Wonkette
Many blame last week’s Chrysler bankruptcy on the fact that Chrysler is a shit company. They are wrong! It was really a group of hedge funds, holding large swaths of Chrysler debt, that rejected the administration’s settlement offer of a 33 cents-on-the-dollar payout and thus threw the company into its current quickie “nooner” of a Chapter 11 filing. These twenty-ish hedge funds — who call themselves, retardedly, the “Chrysler Non-TARP Lenders,” making them Moral — are trying to score a better deal in bankruptcy court. These terrible people! SO TERRIBLE are these people that they filed a motion in court to have their names sealed, because apparently, what’s this, the public is mad at them for bankrupting a massive company out of greed? They’ve received death threats! And as the Non-TARP Cocksuckers’ court motion reveals, the threats have come from… dumb slob commenters on the Washington Post website.
While “some people dislike these awful greedy bastards” is not much of an argument to keep counterparties’ names sealed in a massive public bankruptcy case, the hedge funds’ lawyer argued that the court should make an exception, because — as with most things — this is all Barack Obama’s fault.
Thomas Lauria, a lawyer for the dissidents, told [Judge] Gonzalez yesterday that the group has been exposed to “undue reputational damage, and threats of violence.” He said criticism of the group was exceptional, because it came from U.S. President Barack Obama.
And who are these mastermind serial killers Barack Obama is paying to assassinate the hedge fund managers? They call themselves “The Internets.”
Robert W. Hamilton, a lawyer for Chrysler, said that the threats couldn’t be taken seriously, as they were postings on an Internet message board affiliated with the Washington Post.
“The only evidence they have provided is a series of four or five anonymous rants on a Washington Post Web site,” Hamilton said. “Anyone with a passing familiarity with the hyperbolic rants on such boards on the Internet would not take such comments seriously.”
For example, an anonymous commenter who signed himself “jerkhoff” wrote, “These aristocrats should be lined up against the wall and executed.”
Despite “jerkhoff”’s use of a popular venting phrase on an Internet newspaper comment board in between bouts of furious masturbation, Judge Gonzales dismissed the motion, because hey, stop whining.
Hey everybody, let’s celebrate the occasion! Time to send your personal greetings to the cocksuckers on this very thread! You could end up in a “legal document” some day!
Chrysler Lenders Must Reveal Identities Today, Judge Rules [Bloomberg]
Chrysler Hedge Funds Denied Motion For Protection From — Anonymous Internet Commenters? [TPM Muckraker]
So, wait…my dumb internet comments do, in fact, matter?
In all seriousness, these aristocrats really *should* be lined up against the wall and executed, but slowly.
Are they going to go all “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” on us by hunting us down and slapping us with their white gloves while wearing a monocle?
Can we have Method Man sew their assholes shut and then keep feeding them and feeding them?
Hahahahah …. I am drunk with power.
Crab1: er. don’t like that one. http://www.shortsshortsshorts.com/?p=2898
I want to bitch-slap them… that is to say, line them up against a wall and kick them hard hin the nads!
Dear Hedge Funds:
Eat a bag of uncut dicks.
Love,
Tommmcatt
Fuck yur muther on muther’s day, you fuck.
IS IT DOUBLY THREATENING IF I WRITE IN ALL CAPS THAT THEY REALLY SHOULD BE LINED UP AGAINST THE WALL AND EXECUTED, BUT SLOWLY?
JadedDIssonance: Can we hit their nutsacks with a hammer? Or slam their nuts in a drawer over and over?
I guess my thoughts for a “greedy fuckhead”-fueled tractor are out of the question, then. The basic idea is to burn hedge fund managers in a giant boiler to power farm machinery. The machine would excrete nitrogen and phosphorous rich fertilizer. Re-power America! Peak oil! and so on.
i will seal their names with my wangus while i ball their special ladies, who will call me “your honor”, while the hedge fund nerdz watch. boom.
“jerkhoff”, bitch, please. At least go with a classic like Dick Gosinya…
Crab1: Blow them up with an ICBM of dicks.
I thought Chrysler should’ve gone down anyway, so I’m thrilled to see these wankers waste the last of their inheritances on this legal dead end…
Jer K. Hoff is a personal friend of mine, and should not be messed with.
Still, this is silly. Obviously, counsel does not remember the flame wars on Usenet when Mike took over from Joel.
Some of those posts were brutal.
Shall we blame El Niño while we’re at it?
Hey, they’re rich bastards — they should stop their freakin’ showboating and just lobby Congress to declare “privileged assholes who gamble with other peoples’ money and whose blantantly self-interested pursuit of short-term gain at all costs makes them look like unethical incompetent clowns who might deserve the tender mercies of a 30-foot-long anaconda” to be a protected class. Then saying such things would be a hate crime.
Bearbloke:
It will eventually now that the union will own about 50% of the company. No offense to my UAW brothers, but that is not exactly a “well oiled” organization either.
HEY HEDGIES! SLEEP POORLY AND GET A MILD RASH
I’m bad at this
Too bad they didn’t see what the dumb slob commenters on Wonkette said, they would have gotten drunk and had all varieties of sex, and caved in to whatever Chrysler demanded, from the hangover.
Walls are overrated. Being put in a pit and shot removes all dignity from the ceremony.
Set one foot in Canada, hedge fund cocksuckers, and you’ll be lined up against the wall and … gay married (or straight-married, if that’s worse for you). Also, we’ll baptise your ancestors for good measure.
Jim Newell: oh my god. That was a true laugh out loud at my desk one.
Huh, so when some of my brother-in-law’s relatives screamed “terrorist!” when I suggested that waterboarding was maybe a bad idea, was I due some sort of legal protection? Since the President at the time had pointed out that whoever wasn’t with him was against him and all that?
Crab1: I recommend stabbing their tongues with a rusty screwdriver. Or the thing with the wire hanger on the stove for half an hour, also.
Crab1: I think forcing them to eat a roll of nickels for breakfast every morning would suffice.
If you haven’t been threatened with death on the Internet, you’re doin’ it rong.
A lawyer who represents hedge fund managers who states the phrase “undue reputational damage” should be the new replacement for smelling salts or a defibrillator. Because if that doesn’t elevate your heart rate or cause explosive anger shits you are clinically dead.
Dear Hedge Fund Overlord:
BUTTERSTICK.
- Shorts
shortsshortsshorts: rofl.
Rush: If I were your Socialist Muslin Overlord, I would enact some of that hopenchange I heard about: I would’ve established a New Deal-type org that would’ve bought 50.00001% of GM & Chrysler, then ordered FULL audits, moved ALL the overseas production back here, examined all the patents (especially the hidden ones) to discover just how soon the companies could produce good inexpensive domestic hybrids, then issued small-denom stock (like those WWII war-bonds) to US citizens to meet a legistlative requirement that the US Govt completely divest itself of all direct ownership within 10 years. In the meantime, any underused production capacity would be turned over to doing public-transport and solar-infrastructure work…
There’s yer Socialism for ya - enjoy!
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I love you. Have my teh gay buttsech babies.
mrcrimmins: That’s a win. especially if you have butt secks with their wasp-y skanks.
Crab1: I would guess that their nuts are still very tired from Teabagging Day.
PS: Bearbloke for President of the UAW.
ManchuCandidate: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We’re gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches.
Love,
The Chrysler Hedge Funds
Lay off the Jerkhoffs, willya? My great, great, step grampa was a Jerkhoff, although back in Russia, (what a country!) it was spelled “Yerkov”.
The Jerkhoffs are a proud and noble clan. Starting with patriarch Willie Jerkhoff and his wife Ivana, down throgh the generations as Will, Peter, Lotta, Dixon, Oliver, Ivan, Hugh, Constance, Dick, Earl E., Betty, Amanda and Excusemeihaveto all made their mark on the world.
Jim Newell: Considering that Cerberus likely is one of those funds, does the ICBM of dicks need three (war)heads?
Jim Newell: Can we at least turn the oven on and stretch out a coat hanger and set it on the oven and let that shit heat up and then take the coat hanger and slowly slide it up their ass and hear it sizzle as it touches their rectum?
Hahaha, well, whaddayouknow, I, er…IM NOT JERKHOFF!@!!
mrpuma2u: straight up. wasp = white anual secksin pwnage
Bearbloke 2016!!!!
martinette: You forgot Uncle Hugh…
I don’t wish death on them, I just wish they would lovingly lick my balls.
I think the hedgefundies should get a tax adjustment since they work soooo hard and have to tolerate these ‘internets’ insults, too.
Lets just set their taxes at the same rate that the average auto worker pays, 25%.
Hope that helps all you hedgehogs.
arclight:
…“Thank you, my fellow Merikins… I welcome your support in my 3-way race with Truknutz Palin (R-Mistake) and David ‘Dingbat’ Denby (I-Asshat)”…
But guys, can we really blame these guys for being so soullessly greedy? Teh monies iz YUMYUMZ! Gobblegobblegobble!
Here’s what gets me: these people are whining because people hate them for what they’re doing. STOP. DOING. IT. If you don’t want to be called douchebags, don’t be douchebags!
It’s like when Tyson bit Holyfield’s ear, he claimed he did it because he was getting hurt. You’re in a fucking boxing ring. If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t enter.
Why these people don’t think that cause and effect apply to them is beyond me.
Cape Clod: Call me a traditionalist but decapitating them and placing their heads on pig poles around the capital building just seems to send the perfect message.
“as they were postings on an Internet message board affiliated with the Washington Post.”
Good God, their posting on the WaPo and they expect to be taken seriously? The paper of Hiatt, Will, Gershon and Kraphammer? People if you don’t want to be confused with the clowns, then don’t stand next to them!
Dear Hedgefundies:
Get your “securities” any where near my mortgage and I’ll sic my two attack cats on you. I swear I will. Don’t make me wake them up! Good kitty, good kitty.
PrezO tried to tell them the administration is the only thing standing between them and the pitchforks but they dint lissen. So amazing what cowards rich people are.
Impalement. Nobody dies well on the stake.
They’re on the Internets so they can be taken seriously! Just like all those deposed Nigerian princes!
really
the WAPO trolls can’t even kill off George Will……what chance do they have against over-inflated yuppies armed with cigars?
Come here a minute: Too bad they didn’t see what the dumb slob commenters on Wonkette said,…
to say nothing about walking around with TruckNutz hanging all over them.
So these bestest and brightest maroons lend a jillion dollars to a company that makes shit cars and now they want their money back but don’t mention any names.B slap em with a bag of gangly green dicks,please mommy judge.
Jebus. You guys are MEAN. But anal crucifixion seems like the right choice…
I’d just like to say…neener, neener, neener!
Why stop with these fuckbags? In addition to them why not also execute the CEOs & board chairs of the Fortune 500, redistribute their munnies to the poors, and sell their extended families into slavery. It’s really the only fair thing to do. After publishing the hedgehogs’ names & addresses on the internets, just for starters.
Yes- the proverbial wall lining and such.
But it shall be a mighty wall of Trucknutz!
The early Virginia settlers from Britain feared being caught by the native women, for the way they would be treated with sharpened seashells over a period of days.
Are they really listening in on the chatter of the Wonke-ban-laden underground?
Is that what ‘Ken Layne’ does all day?
“In his owen grese I made him frie”
is Eva Rodriguez among those “anonymous ranters”? Probably not, since I know her name. She should be nominated to the list of Washington Post Editorialists Who Have No Idea What They’re Talking About. Or to the list of Reasons Why The Washington Post Does Not Deserve To Exist Any Longer. I’m sure Eugene Robinson will be able to find work somewhere.
Let us skullfuck them, until they cannot remember their own names!
In related news, I am now seeking legal protection from that guy who was camping me in World of Warcraft.