Congress Will Buy Your Crappy ‘Ride’ For $4,500!

  autopia

Someone take the wheel ...Do you own some terrible old car? Probably not! But you might be making payments on some terrible old car. Communist Premier Nobama and his Duma-Politburo (the House and Senate) have got a great deal for you: Just trade in your gas-guzzling sticker-covered crapmobilie full of McDonald’s bags for a shiny new better-mileage-getting Automobile of the Future, and you’ll get $4,500. That is, what, equal to about a year’s worth of unemployment?

Combined with the $8,000 first-time homebuyer cashback government rebate, you can go from you current income (zero) to $12,500 just by signing your name on some financing paperwork. DING DING DING. We do not have a lot of fancy calculators sitting around, but we bet this is more than a grand a month for doing nothing at all but promising to pay for shit you will never ever pay for, ever — what could go wrong?

Congress Close on ‘Cash for Clunkers’ [NYT]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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49 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    The Lobby Group Hooptie Owners of US America is not impressed and will fight it tooth and nail by driving to DC as soon as they can jimmy open the passenger side door with the “key” aka coat hanger.

  2. HoboNutz

    How can I invest my 5 Hobo Bean Dollars into the re-po industry? I sense a boom..

  3. Johnny Zhivago

    Does it have to be a Green Car??? I’d really rather have a gray mettalic one.

  4. V572625694

    “A bill sponsored by Rep. Betty Sutton, Democrat of Ohio, also required that any car purchased with vouchers be assembled in North America. That provision appears to have been dropped, which means imported vehicles could be bought as well.”

    Wow, I’m gonna get that new 911 now. Thanks, Barry!

  5. Chickensmack

    [re=309527]HoboNutz[/re]: if a tough, burly repo dude gets soft on the job, and suddenly finds himself unable to make the payments on his Harley and his wife’s new boobies, is he likely to get tough with the next repo guy who comes out to his place to swipe the Harley and boobies?

  6. Terry

    I hope this counts for any cars bought this year. Two weeks ago, I traded in a 15 yr old car for a new little Chevy. Happy as a clam, but I’d be happier with that $4,500 to put toward the loan.

  7. twowheeljunkie

    I knew I should’ve waited before trading in my 1993 Mazda protégé for my new Prius.
    Doh!

  8. V572625694

    [re=309537]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=309533]Custerwolf[/re]: They were both dicks, reportedly.

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    This is great, finally a way to get rid of my wife’s fucking Saab 9000 once and for all. And get a new, I dunno Toyota/Pontiac Vibe out of the deal? The stars are aligning.

  10. boatapple

    Does this mean I have to trade in my Subaru Lesbian for a “new” car? I don’t think anyone in my family has ever done that before.

  11. Custerwolf

    “Wherever you can look – wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready, and when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise and livin’ in the houses they build – I’ll be there, too.”

    Commence to blubbering…..

  12. prototype

    I just traded in my old Pontiac and bought a new Honda Civic (because I hate America). I want monies please.

  13. magic titty

    [re=309537]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You mean Bridget Fonda.

    If people get a divorce from an old, crappy, used-up spouse, can they also be given a government rebate for some 23 year-old sex machine?

  14. Lascauxcaveman

    Or better yet, if I can get my 1973 Chevy 1-Ton running again, (more rust, than truck, really) and $4500 for it?

    (Ooops. Need to change my undies.)

  15. trondant

    [re=309539]Chickensmack[/re]: Take the Harley, leave the boobies.

    Ken Layne: And we’re fighting again, in some fucking land.

  16. proudgrampa

    Jebus. That printing press at the Treasury Department is going to break down if they don’t stop this nonsense.

  17. Chuckie Jesus

    Trailers for sale or rent
    Rooms to let, 50 Cent (is probably still rich)

    My husband’s out selling the PS2 and all the games. He’s getting The Special tonight for being a big boy and helping with the bills.

  18. Chuckie Jesus

    Oh, and my 1995 Honda Civic eats tapes. There goes the last place I could listen to my outdated media. But, who buys tapes anymore?

  19. KAR

    It’s going to take more than $4500 for me to trade in my 20mpg, 20 year old Jaguar that’s PAID FOR and costs me $150 a month in gas. If I have this right, I get $1500 for a trade-in, $4500 rebate from the feds and voila, walk out the door with a $400 car payment on some new “green” car and still have to pay $100 in gas? Sounds like a fuckin’ screamin’ deal to me! Look how much I would “economize” going from $150 a month in operating costs to $550! Let alone the fact my current car is fully depreciated.

    Think before you buy, folks..!

  20. SayItWithWookies

    In the compromise plan, cars would have to have a combined fuel rating of 22 miles a gallon.
    Do these fuckers even know what fuel efficiency is? My damn ’89 Honda Civic gets 33 mpg, and that’s without having changed the air filter in years because the damn screws are rusted shut and I forget about it for long periods of time.
    I’m calling my congressman and getting a rider attached to this bill that says anybody who’s been driving a fuel-efficient vehicle this whole damn time gets a voucher to kick three Hummer owners in the nuts.

  21. Custerwolf

    [re=309565]Chuckie Jesus[/re]: If I told you how many hours I’ve spent driving and staring blankly over at my empty CD player would that answer your question?

  22. Baseproduct

    Texas already pays $3000 for cars older than 10 years… does this mean various governments will pay me a total of $7500 for my 15-year-old Ford? Fuck, maybe I ought to go crass consume.

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=309568]KAR[/re]: Cripes! You have an ’89 Jag and you can actually make it run?

    I bow down at your feet, and worship you like a god.

  24. Mustang

    Can I have my money even if I have been responsible about not purchasing a gas guzzler? I promise I’ll be bad from now on.

  25. KAR

    [re=309583]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I have two actually. An ’87 and an ’89. Both run fine. Much of the Jaguar reputation is greatly overblown- in fact they top quality surveys these days. If you can keep an old Honda on the road, you can keep an old Jaguar on the road, parts are just a little more expensive- though not terribly so.

  26. sati demise

    [re=309563]proudgrampa[/re]: They already broke it with the Bush SUV tax credit, so no worries.

  27. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=309570]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, that’s a bit of a catch, isn’t it? Sort of punishing those of us who bought efficient cars to start with. (Disclaimer: my daily driver is an old shitbox Camry that gets 28/35) Kind of like the homeowners getting assistance for their $500K McMansion mortgages.)

    Also funny: the EPA rating on our Saab 9000 Money Pit is 17/25 which squeaks under that “22mpg combined” rating as an official Gas Hog, worth $3500 at trade in. Who am I to tell the Govt that it actually gets 25/34 in daily driving when it’s actually running (not so often).

    Also funny: go to Craigslist, by $500 big shitmobile pickup truck (less than 18mpg, which is all of them) that nobody wants, trade it in for a Honda Fit, you still come out making $4000 on the deal.

  28. sati demise

    [re=309570]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The American car companies have to have a ‘level’ playing field in this fuel efficiency game. whatever.

  29. JadedDIssonance

    Why spend more money propping up the Auto-Highway-Lobby when better public transportation is the answer to all the problems? Our nation’s roads are a collective mess. Congestion is at an all-time high. RIP: The Car. I Can Haz PUMA?

  30. proudgrampa

    [re=309568]KAR[/re]: Precisely. I can buy a LOT of gas for my old pickup truck (Paid For, of course) for the $400 a month it would take to buy a new freakin’ car.

  31. S.Luggo

    [re=309557]Custerwolf[/re]: Pinkette, is that from your personal copy of The Internationale or from Barry’s book, “Socialist Poors’ Jihads of My Father”?

  32. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=309583]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I know, I was just Jaggin’ you off, mostly. I love Jags and will probably look at a used XJ8 (the aluminum one) after they start getting to the sub-$10000 range, which wont be long.

    Either that or a metal-bumper XJ6 with an LT1 stuffed in it.

  33. The Rev. Yevot

    But how much will the give us for our Truck Nutz, is what I wants to know.

  34. Kingbee

    [re=309537]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Henry Fonda in a Ford — @ the same thing, no?

  35. imissopus

    [re=309533]Custerwolf[/re]: No way is that Henry Ford. He’s not wearing a swastika armband or heil-ing Hitler.

  36. Kingbee

    [re=309560]magic titty[/re]: Only if it’s a Made in America sex machine. (Not an import!)

  37. Cape Clod

    [re=309531]V572625694[/re]: I want to by a couple of cars from that Indian car company. I just want to be able to say, “Look at my new Tatas!”

  38. Cape Clod

    [re=309559]Scarab[/re]: “Apparently you get $14,000 if you agree to take a Pontiac Aztek.”

    I would get to work on a pogo stick rather than be seen in that 4 wheeled abortion.

  39. One Yield Regular

    Since I haven’t owned a car for the last 19 years, and the average lifespan of a car in America is 17 years, can I get $4,500 + a pro-rated portion of another $4,500 for the extra two years?

Comments are closed.