Wonkette
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Bristol Palin appeared on the TODAY show with Matt Lauer, all holding her cute sleeping baby and smiling serenely with her long shiny hair and talking about what hard work parenting is. Really? Because it looks … kind of awesome! All you have to do is fuck some sexy dunderhead once and boom, a year later you are on national teevee looking great with your adorable child and asking teenagers to “learn from your example.” Teenage pregnancy rates are going to skyrocket. [MSNBC]
“Learn from my example.” That’s what I keep telling the judge, but it never works.
Trigonometry scores are going to skyrocket.
She’s still the darling of the right//
and everything’s O.K.//
It doesn’t matter what you do//
Only what you say
When does this Bimbo’s 15 minutes end? She and her entire extended ‘family’ should have had only about !7 minutes and 12 Seconds.
Hey Bristol - don’t forget to mention that other added benefit of teen pregnancy aside from the massive amounts of attention one gets.
HUGE TITS. For free.
What does it take to get people outside of SF interested in Glitch Mob?
Matt L: “Bristol, although your child is a gift, a bundle of joy, don’t you sometimes wish you could abandon it an icy ravine (perhaps close to Russia) and return to the buttsecks with Levi?”
Yes, because without her example, teens will never know that repeatedly fucking your boyfriend without a rubber may get you knocked up-
Thank God she said so; I have a date tonight (brag)
That little fucker’s already in Carharrts isn’t he? Goddamnitt this country has shot straight to the top in terms of imbecility.
Thanks for the lesson, Bristol, I’ve renamed my two children “Falll and Plummettt”, torn up my high school diploma, and divorced my wife. Can I be a part of America’s Family now, too?
At first I was just going to leave a snarky “MILF” comment. But then I watched the video and realized that Bristol is better spoken than her mother, so it looks like we’ll have another Alaskan GILF in just about 15 - 20 years.
Teh sex is for procreations. Abstinence only applies to teh “having fun” sex.
What’s this nubile thing going to do when Mother Nature calls again and she’s all horny and shit? Abstain? Hasn’t she learned it’s a raging fire? She’ll go straight for the hose.
I can’t wait for Cheney to start his worldwide campaign against torture.
Learn from my example: have a rich, powerful parent and teen motherhood is a walk in the park.
I suspect that the only outcome will end with a Meghan McCain vs Bristol Palin catfight.
There can be only one (talentless, semi attractive, fame whoreing daughter of a GOP politician)!
she’s a neglectful parent. she neglected to point out that buttseks is the sure-fire preventer of all pregnancies, wanted, unwanted, teen, olds, milf, gilf, and what-not. also.
You know if Bristol really wanted to be an effective speaker for her target audience she would have gone ahead with my suggestion of saying the little bugger just fell out of the sky as a gift from Jeebus for all her abstinationizing.
My only concern………………..is she breastfeeding? can I watch?
RoscoePColtraine: Okay, that just made sense to me. My evul family is brainwashing me with this mother’s day shit. I need help, Wonkette!
le petit mort: I am thinking that if they had stuck to teh buttsecks that little non-retard baby wouldn’t be in carhartts right now.
And I would like to be the first to offer Bristol the opportunity to “set an example” for teens that buttsecks does not cause babiness. By inserting my penis in her wrecked’em. For the children.
ManchuCandidate: I’d buy tickets to that gun show!
“[Natalie Morales] … and today is the eighth annual National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, and hundreds of thousands of teens are expected to participate.”
By not having sex? By not getting pregnant? Abortion-poloza? At least Levi doesn’t kiss and tell, but ejaculate and tell is okey-dokey.
Sarah is pimping out the baby mama again!
I’m going to cosign on what Editor SKS just said. This Bristol person is perfectly happy with her child and regrets nothing, so. . .that’s her warning against teen pregnancy?
Goddamn these fucking people.
She did it wrong. Yer supposed a) get knocked up as a teen, b) get married right quick once you figure out yer preggers and don’t just have the stomach flu, and c) a few months later have an 8-pound ‘premature’ baby.
At least that’s how all the teen girls in my family have done it.
I would also also like to rescind every single “Heh” that I have uttered on this site. Some Snowbilly Motherfucker on the Mayan Sarahpac Conservative #4 Site has stolen my “heh” and there WILL be consequences.
BTW–Bristol is NOT, I repeat NOT Sarahpac’s child…Bristol is genuinely attractive, speaks in complete sentences and appears to have perfect reflexes–no winking, lip-licking or thumb thrusting.
Custerwolf, don’t you have something you’d like to share with us (that tour of Alaska a while back…hmmmmmm???)
At the school where I worked, it was all the rage to get knocked up by your ugly zit faced boyfriend. The reason to do this from what I could tell was then you got to bring the barely born kid to school to show it off. More responsible teachers would tell the young mothers to hit the road. I always imagined these dumb little girls after they got back to their mom’s basement and looked down at the kid and thought “What have I done?”
Bristol Palin–the Ambassador Of Abstinence. The old brainwash (or her mamma threatened her with something from her extensive arsenal).
This shit reminds me of ‘Juno,’ the movie that everyone else adored but which left me thinking of silverware and Susan Atkins.
magic titty:
“Goddamn these fucking people.” - as in people who like to fuck it would seem.
Maybe she and Joe the Dumber can practice abstinence together, so’s not to have a teh gey bebe…
Custerwolf: You always get to the heart of the matter, as it were.
Each and every day I pray that Bristol suddenly realizes her deepest inner truth and becomes a lesbian. A very public, very amorous lesbian. I hereby volunteer for evil seductress girlfriend duty–I promise to take her and baby Tangleweed or whatever his name is *at once* over to JTPs children for a play date. Also.
CONDOMS. CONDOMS EVERYWHERE.
How hard of a concept is this?
Bristol as the poster child for Abstinence Education makes about as much sense as the GOP presenting itself as the party of fiscal responsibility.
And yet… it’s all true.
It’s so great when Levi says, “Larry, I’m a gentleman. I don’t kiss and tell.” Which is true, because what he’s really doing is fucking and blabbing. These are also not characteristics one would term “gentlemanly,” but hey, it’s Alaska.
Serolf Divad: Life imitating Onion.
smartypants: Well, there was that time I picked up a dude at the Gold Spike Saloon and we had sex out in the parking lot in the back of an International. Had we known who owned the vehicle we probably would have thanked him and asked hiim for a ride home.
Wasn’t she on a talk show a few months ago with the Alaskan anger bear, talking about how abstinence only was unrealistic? I think she must have gotten hauled backstage and given a slut whupping by Mommy Dearest.
Custerwolf: Well, I was thinking more of some sort of immaculate thing. That would explain her (seemingly) irrational insistence that abstinence is realistic.
Like, “You CAN have a baby without having sex…my mother did it!”.
I did some Chris Hanson investigative reporting (since my boss is traveling)and this is what they said back in Sept. during the campaign:
“Bristol and the young man she will marry are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of our entire family.”
I assume their opinion on all this has evolved but then again, they don’t believe in evolution. Small minded on so many levels.
The hypocrisy… it is AWESOME!
Levi: Poster Child for Safe Sex
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/06/levi-johnston-bristol-pal_n_197659.html
And the MSM wonders why we laugh at them.
And can we please, please, puh-leez never let that baby daddy near another suit. Did you see him at the Republican convention? Ugh. I lost my boner for him, sure did. Luckily, I was able to google the hockey uniform Levi each night.
frumious_bandersnatch: Great — and then she’ll be crusading against the homosexual lifestyle, premarital sex — and why not just throw in gay marriage for the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do trifecta, and make the insanity complete.
And I’ve barely watched the video, but if Bristol is as articulate as some of you are saying, it wouldn’t surprise me. That child’s been nothing but insubordinate, and learning the rudiments of speech is just another way of getting back at her mom.
And girls, don’t forget to book your honeymoon flight for when you’re eight months along! If you go into labor at 35,000 ft, it’s God’s will, and he should know, his only son was a child of rape.
smartypants: I just think girls that age should be more interested in things which go INTO their vaginas.
FUCK abstinence.
Bristol - if you want people to learn from your mistakes, you should be on TV eating fistfuls of birth control pills while having your tubes tied. Don’t show up with the sleepy little baby and feed it. When the kid is a raging brat, and you need the nazi TV nanny to show up at your house and beat him with a stick, then you can put him on TV.
Matt: “How involved is Levi in raising and caring for Momma’s Lil’ Hockey Stick, here?”
Bristol: “I’m not here to talk about my personal life, Matt, goddamn it. I’m here to talk about all the fucking (protected by Jeebus, that’s what we mean by ‘protected’, right?) I did with my boyfriend back in 2007 and early 08, and maybe 2006, and the kids we had and how it’s hard and you shouldn’t do it because it’s a blessing but it’s also hard. Also, Matt, understand this: abstinence is not realistic. Damn, Matt, how fucking hard is that to understand? Next fucking question before my Daddy rips your arms out of your shoulders.”
By the way, you know who should be giving advice as to how to avoid teen pregnancy? Lindsay Lohan (pre-lesbian days, of course). A child actor who grew up fucking and drugging with god knows how many random dicks. She could write a fucking book. Scarlett Johannson could write the forward. If I had daughters, I’d buy it, stand in line to get it signed and then start reading it to them at bedtime starting at age 6.
“So we were leaving Spago and Mario Lopez pulled me into the men’s bathroom and locked the door. No condoms and Mario’s a catholic. Here’s the secret . . .”
or maybe, I dunno, a mother who actually raised a kid on her own after getting pregnant as a teenager.
OK I meant this to be one comment but come on, this video has TWO Palins talking, this is the minimum amount
1) Hahaha oh god, I totally forgot that Todd Palin is a moron (that attracted fellow-moron Sarah).
2) “If I can prevent just one girl from getting pregnant, I will feel a sense of accomplishment.” Uhhhh how are you going to evaluate this?
3) “Learn from my example.” Usually the word is MISTAKE when stuff like accidental babies happen; *example* is more often the diction for when someone does something GOOD.
4) When asked about Levi, she says “I’m honestly not here to talk about my personal life.” On NBC News. Talking about abstinence. With her baby. The baby that she is holding. In a segment on abstinence where she only has this role for failing to be abstinent (AND not practicing safe sex). After just saying “learn from my example.”
5) The woman who narrated the segment said it’s the national day for pregnancy prevention and that hundreds of thousands of teens are going to participate. How, by not having sex?
6) Hey Bristol you’re looking good wanna have sex?
pat robertsons personal trainer: Stop. Stop. Stop. You’re making WAY too much sense here.
Crab1: Exactly. However, I cannot help but like her. Reminds me of a student I had once: young, mildly bright, loved her kid, had a deadbeat dad. She to had an awful mom. Hmm, think I’m being overprotective.
Custerwolf: You know, I’d love to say “Heh” right now. But I can’t.
Why do Republicans steal everything?
Sort of Madonna and Child-ish. An immaculate conception, without the licking of suggestive vegetables and fishnet stockings. ‘Learn from my mistake’, indeed. Je m’ennuie à mourir.
SayItWithWookies: “starting with that homophobic bullying circumcision-obsessed control freak Saul of Tarsus and running straight through history to the present layer of pondscum choking the precious oxygen out of a world starving for reason. And fuck the fictional Allah too”. You are my new hero. When I grow up I want to be just like you! Would have mentioned this yesterday but C de M = doing some lines off a ‘zillian strippers ass.
Good God, did they give that baby Nembutal or what? He looked like part of the set!
Breaking News: Trig just fathered a child!
Custerwolf: I also really enjoyed the part where Matt asked her about education and she said something to the effect of hoping to start college classes in a few weeks [presumably online or at one of her mom's 17 alma maters] so she could “get her basic education out of the way.” Ringing fucking endorsement for smartin’ yourself up. Just like her momma, that one. SP certainly got whatever education she had right the fuck out of the way so she could just start L-I-V-I-N (Also, apostrophe.) and doin’ pageants–the way God intended women to spend their young adult lives.
I want to know why our adorable young editors haven’t been putting up the hotter Candies ads? For like, hmmmm, thirty years they have been the strippers choice of foot wear. These are the people BTW who brought the young slut out here to NYC along with baby Trippy and God knows who else to promote shaking yer ass as you walk down the street but not fucking or whatever abstinence means to the fertile these days.I totally wish I had not had my baby with the Mr.and had instead had a loving family of rich grifters to take care of me and the kid for ever.
She actually talks purtier than Meghan McCain. Less valley girl. I’d still hit them both of course.
Had McCain won the election and then croaked, we would now be watching the President’s daughter on teevee smiling down at her illegitimate child and praising the virtues of not havng children. I can see why they wrote that scene out of the first Idiocracy script.
Enough with he fucking snowbillies already. Do we really need Bristol Palin to remind us that sexually active teenagers can get pregnant?
TGY: Bored to tears, is that right? Well, just think how the Florida License Plate Jeebus feels….hanging there for eternity so that the Palins can parade around banging a drum about abstinence and yet somehow NOT.
“Learn from my example…” What, that she’s a twit? Jebus.
What a planet.
pat robertsons personal trainer: She already got the ‘pumpin out the kid’ out of the way, so edumacation is next, then maybe marry herself up to some hockey playin oil worker to get that out of the way.
frumious_bandersnatch: Heh, as a straight male (whose mind has been slightly twisted by the almost completely unavoidable displays of lesbian porn on the internets), I gotta say that would be awesome beyond belief. If just for the expression on Levi’s face.
OReillysVibrator: in response to 5, they’re going to participate by having the buttseks, of course. Also facials….or hand jobs…oh and of course blow jobs. How else do you prevent teen pregnancy but by killing millions and millions of potential babies? They’re doing it for their children, but not their children’s children because children shouldn’t be having sex.
There’s the media taking advantage of the candidate’s kids again by forcing Bristol to appear once again on national television and make a fool of her, and picking on the baby, too. The media are a low bunch.
Other girls should learn by my example? What example is would that be, you hot-humping little high school dropout out-of-wedlock, fame junkie mommikins? Really, what example of anything worthwhile do you bring to the table?
Harummph, indeed.
Having children is hereditary.
If Sarah hadn’t had children, then neither would Bristol.
Who is the genius that decided the way to go with the abstinence campaign is by putting an unwed teen who got the abstinence memos & got pregnant anyway out front and center?
Bristol: If only someone had told me to abstain from sex, why, I wouldn’t be here holding this beautiful baby who I love with all my heart.
(pssst: I don’t think it’s selling.)
SnarkNotFark: My thought exactly! Maybe they’ll participate simply by having sex. Which would make this day different from all other days how?
Hey Wonkles, just wanted to congratulate you on being NUMBER 1 in a Google search for “sexy dunderhead” (quotes included; otherwise you get some whore) right above some years-old forum post about Brad Pitt getting naked or something.
x111e7thst: Ha ha, thank you. And I’ll try to get the extra kick to Allah in there as well so I don’t come off as just some anti-Christian stereotype — any faith-based nonsense will get it sooner or later — though the Xtians, due to cultural saturation, will usually get it more.
So did I mishear, or did she tell Matt that the babby wasn’t a mistake, only to have PawPaw Todd refer to “her mistake” later in the interview? Way to jump on that Lauer.
Vowel hog.
it’s a baby… god, i can’t believe i’m commenting on this.
I, for one, will be taking a few seconds in honor of “Prevention of Teen Pregnancy Day,” to PUT ON A FUCKING CONDOM, before I have sex with a teen. I presume, or hope that’s how hundreds of thousands of others will honor this most august and holy of Saint’s feast days.
So if Rush Limbaugh announces he’s cancelling his next bit of sex tourism in Puerto Rico because of Bris, she can call herself a success?
Limbaugh doesn’t like teh girlz.
Just imagine the reaction from the lunatic right if it was one of Barry’s daughters who got knocked up…
Have there been any prominent D politicos whose daughters whored out and got preggers? Cant think of any off hand
RoscoePColtraine: For that matter, who’s the genius who thought that there’s any way in hell to keep hormone engorged, permanently erect/dripping wet teens from fucking at the first opportunity? Holy shit, when they turn 11 dip them in latex and poke nose and mouth holes in it. Forget the ears - they wouldn’t listen anyway.
Role model:
For those of you NOT in her situation, she’s a role model - do as I say, not as i do.
For those of you in her situation, she’s a role model - look how I can’t even talk about the boy’s father…
I can only expect that she’ll continue to be a role model for single mothers… I think it’s only a matter of time until she’s driving with a baby on her lap…
“If I can prevent just one girl from getting pregnant, I will feel a sense of accomplishment.” Cockblock in 3-2-1…
bristol? i think yer baby might be dead. check on that.
When I was in high school I was subjected to abstinence “education.” Twice actually. Once in heath and once in civics, because the teacher was an Un-Reconstructed Jesus Goblin.
They brought in this 19-yr old douche, who had actually graduated from the very same high school the previous year to give us a talking-to about the importance of not having sex. That was an error. Just like that old saw about prophets and their hometowns, because we all knew the guy and we knew him to be a jackass who couldn’t have gotten laid in high school if he tried and college was clearly not going any better for him. The piety, virtue and pedantry he used to cloak his own personal shortcomings was painfully obvious to all of us, icing on an already very mockable cake.
It wouldn’t have been so bad, had the entire process not been such a parade of lies. “Abstinence the only sure way to avoid pregnancy.” Ugh. Anal, oral and manual are all pretty sure-fire, but God help you if you brought that up to Christy McNosex. The pill has been around for almost 50 years and condoms, a centuries old technology, available free to anyone and everyone who might possibly want one. What an unbelievable, disingenuous crock of shit. I hate these people.
Gallowglass:
what
Exactly SKS! Teen girls love attention, and sometimes they don’t care how they get it. But my middle schoolers know they have to come back to see me when they’re in high school honors English, or AP Bio, or bragging that they got a scholarship to a college. They hide from me in the stores if they haven’t lived up to my demands. They know I take their failures personally, and so coming to see me pregnant and not married is not cute.
Well, at least Levi hasn’t thrown the baby out of a moving car.
Yet.
http://news.aol.com/article/baby-thrown-from-car/463968
Great the “My Little Mistake Tour”.
When the kid grows up he’s gonna need 40+ years of therapy after seeing his baby video appearances on every station in the country.
“Parrentin is hard.” “Gurls shld larn frm ma mistakes”
Maybe it’s just my slow-ass computer, but this goddamned video is forcing me to wait a maternity while it’s busy loading.
The Baby Daddy weights in:
“Abstinence is a great idea,” he said, “but I also think you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don’t just think telling young kids, you can’t have sex, it’s not going to work. It’s not realistic.
” … It’s a great idea and a great message she’s trying to send out to the world and all the young kids. It’s not easy raising a baby. But I do think there’s more things to it than just not having sex.”
And the always wise Washington Times weighs in:
“Because despite the left’s pro-abortion, birth-control pill pushing efforts, new teen pregnancy and illegitimacy rates paint an alarming and dismal picture for our country. One that should not be lost on what experts agree result in the BEST outcomes for children: a two-parent home with a mom and dad. Single parenthood has been the single biggest contributor to increased alcohol and drug abuse, crime, poverty, and dropout rates among the nation’s youth. It’s another consequence that goes hand in hand when talking about abstinence and teen sex.”
pat robertsons personal trainer: Lindsay Lohan’s book could be a pamphlet. A flyer, really, in size 24 font. Get an Abortionist on Speed Dial.
Gallowglass: I just always assumed the abstinence ed included the stuff on buttsecks and BJs, or what is the point.
smartypants: Close. ‘Bored to death’. ( Mots du jour: mourir et secourir) Alas, Plastic Jesus is so used to hanging around like that, he seems to have grown to like it.
Can someone tell me WTF a cause is? I mean, when does a feeling graduate into a cause? When you get on a talk show?
I’m trying to imagine the moment Bristol looked up from the shitty baby diaper to exclaim, “I’m going to embark on a worldwide media campaign to bring awareness to this cause.”
Never happened. Bunch of shellacked PR hacks from the 2012 campaign thunk this all up in the back of an Arby’s. Just like God did, when he made the universe.
Agreed with Magic, June, SKS, etc. This a teenaged girl’s attentiongasm wet dream. And her mother’s.
chascates: So lets put more money into abstinence education instead of teh lefty birth controls? w.t.f.
sati demise: I think they believe Jesus trumps hormones. Despite all the evidence.
OReillysVibrator: (2) on her 20th birthday, she’ll announce “see i couldve had three kids.” mission accomplished.
Ok, who wants to get her knocked-up next, for the lulz? Line forms to the right…
Oh, brave, BRAVE Brisket!!!
Abstinence is the arbitrary.
TGY:Thanks…and I guess he was bored to death, too. I’d ‘heh’ myself, but I CAN’T. Fucking Sarahpackers.
Filthy breeders.
I’m moving to Maine.
Crank Tango: That’s what happens when you’re taking bio in AK schools, I guess.
Anyone else love the classic “the birth controlz FAIL” excuse from Levi? If teen parents were to
be believed the fail rate is 99%.
Originally, she was going to go on a Trojan Condom Listening Tour, but Rush told her mother she couldn’t. And then Candies, that bastion of morally upright footwear*, offered Bristol a lifetime supply of slutty shoes. And now we’ve got Bristol on the couch with Matt and Cuomo Jr, talking up the anti-condom approach.
*Hey, how cool and ironic is this: that other shining example of motherly goodness and family values - Britney Spears - is Candies’ online girl.
RobPetrified: Whoa. How unbearable is that? What’s weird is I was still reeling from that soul-crushing story, when I went on to read about the blind guy falling down the elevator shaft and for some ungodly perverted reason I could not stop laughing.
Okay, now I’m sad again.
Oh yeah. Now that she has a brand new baby cock blocking her cooch, suddenly it’s easy to abstain.
What a crock of poop.