WE HAVE DOCUMENTS  6:19 pm May 5, 2009

Whoa Hey, The Mormons Baptized Obama’s Dead Mother Last Year, Whoa Hey

by Jim Newell

Here’s a terrible story about insanity and perversion and other things that are just SO DISTURBINGLY BIZARRE that you wonder why Jesus & God ever created humans, other than to be pets for the important dinosaurs. From AMERICAblog: “A reader contacted me last week, saying that last year, in the heat of the presidential campaign, the Mormons had posthumously baptized Barack Obama’s mother, Stanley Ann Dunham.” And the Internet confirms! WHY WOULD TAGG ROMNEY DO THIS?

Yesterday, AMERICAblog’s John Aravosis received a document.

Then yesterday, I received a document.

After John Aravosis received the document then John Aravosis opened the document and then John Aravosis looked at the document.

It’s allegedly a screen capture of the registration-only section of the Mormon-run Web site, FamilySearch.org. In that screen capture, excerpted above, is clearly the name and correct date of birth and death of Barack Obama’s mother (Stanley Ann Dunham, born 29 Nov 1942 in Kansas, died 07 Nov 1995) and the date of her alleged post-death baptism by the Mormons.

John Aravosis then looked at other documents and John Aravosis concluded that the documents were authentic documents. Then Ben Smith received the documents and looked at the documents and e-mailed the Mormons about the documents and the Mormons are ashamed of the documents.

“The offering of baptism to our deceased ancestors is a sacred practice to us and it is counter to Church policy for a Church member to submit names for baptism for persons to whom they are not related,” said spokeswoman Kim Farah in an emailed statement. “The Church is looking into the circumstances of how this happened and does not yet have all the facts. However, this is a serious matter and we are treating it as such.”

Hmm, “serious matter,” doesn’t really get to the heart of it here, the question is, why do you people — YOU PEOPLE — create situations where a few nuts can officially baptize famous peoples’ dead mothers into the Mormon faith? Not that this has many “practical effects,” except to creep Barack Obama out to the point of vomiting.

Did the Mormons baptize Obama’s mother, after her death, without his knowledge or consent? [AMERICAblog]
Mormon Church investigates baptism of Obama’s mother [Ben Smith]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 165 comments }

danadevin85 May 5, 2009 at 6:24 pm

now thats just wrong

facehead May 5, 2009 at 6:25 pm

What do you expect, she’s a total MILB.

AxmxZ May 5, 2009 at 6:26 pm

If they’re going to write RPF about Barry’s mom, they should at least put a disclaimer at the top of the page.

WagTehGod May 5, 2009 at 6:28 pm

He’s a SECRET MUSMON!!1! Wake up sheeple!!1!

Scandalabra May 5, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Someone should baptize Brigham Young’s mama into the Blue Oyster Cult.

rambone May 5, 2009 at 6:31 pm

This is the first time I’ve heard of Mormons doing something wacky.

Tommmcatt May 5, 2009 at 6:33 pm

Geez, what a bunch of liars. I did theatre in Southern Utah, and it was well know that they would take the programs and baptize you Mormon while you weren’t looking. Sneaky, soul-saving bastards.

facehead May 5, 2009 at 6:33 pm

[re=309057]Scandalabra[/re]: by the time you read this I’ll still be giggling.

Bruno May 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm

I always had a deep suspicion of Mormons, but to dig up poor Obambi’s mommy’s rotting corpse, dip it in the Provo river or something, force it to wear magical underpants then re-bury it is just wrong.

Well, at least she’s no longer muslin.

charlesdegoal May 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Not just baptized but endowed. Creepy ceremony:

“Brethren, you have been washed and pronounced clean, or that through your faithfulness you may become clean, from the blood and sins of this generation. You have been anointed to become hereafter kings and priests unto the most high God, to rule and reign in the house of Israel forever.

Sisters, you have been washed and anointed to become queens and priestesses to your husbands.”

(More details, though not all, at http://www.ldsendowment.org/proper.html)

dijetlo May 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Okay, so now he’s a Nigerian Islamo-fascist Marxist revolutionary…Mormon? Isn’t he going to get thrown out of his crazy pastors liberation philosophy church for this?
If the Mormons convert your dead relatives against your will, don’t they owe you three wives and a mule or something?

Lord Growing May 5, 2009 at 6:35 pm

They know she married a Lamanite, right?
Must be a different Stanley Ann Dunham.

Bearbloke May 5, 2009 at 6:35 pm

Do the Mor(m)ons make magic underwear for corpses?

chascates May 5, 2009 at 6:36 pm

Like all religions The Church of the Latter Day Saints is made up. But instead of evolving over centuries it was thought up over a period of a few months not much more than a century ago.

Which makes it all that much more ridiculous. My religion, The Sacred Bleeding Heart of the Cosmic Squirrel [The Gnawer, blessed be his name], has been unbaptizing Mormons for almost a decade and we’ve been making them into Hindus (via dīkshā).

Suckers!

WadISay May 5, 2009 at 6:36 pm

[re=309057]Scandalabra[/re]: Next time I am in Iowa I am going to gay-marry Mitt Romney’s daddy to Mussolini.

LittlePig May 5, 2009 at 6:36 pm

Sounds like the Church of Beelzebub (Unreformed) needs to start up baptizing dead Mormons post haste.

SayItWithWookies May 5, 2009 at 6:36 pm

This is why churchgoers tithe — so they can do stupid pretend shit to the souls of dead people and feel like they’ve accomplished something. Absolutely no different from giving the local wine-and-boy-sodden priest a thousand bucks so grandma can get out of purgatory a few years earlier. Jesus, had you been real, you’d've been disgusted with the syphilitic madness into which your followers have gleefully descended, starting with that homophobic bullying circumcision-obsessed control freak Saul of Tarsus and running straight through history to the present layer of pondscum choking the precious oxygen out of a world starving for reason. And fuck the fictional Allah too, in case there was any doubt.

helaste May 5, 2009 at 6:38 pm

Didn’t they also posthumously baptize Hitler? And other Nazis? So it’s a serious matter for them to baptize non-Mormons, but only if they aren’t responsible for genocide?

LittlePig May 5, 2009 at 6:39 pm

[re=309061]Tommmcatt[/re]: Any restriction on the Mormon’s part is news to me – I thought their stated goal was to baptize everybody.

Sounds like somebody’s bearing false witness. It’s the lake of fire for you, Kim Farah.

Texan Bulldoggette May 5, 2009 at 6:39 pm

I blame Mittens for this somehow.

[re=309064]Bruno[/re]: Maybe the magic underpants are made of muslin … no, muslims. Yeah, that’s it.

Bearbloke May 5, 2009 at 6:40 pm

[re=309067]Lord Growing[/re]: Not a problem – the Mor(m)ons just lurve the Lamites…

rambone May 5, 2009 at 6:41 pm

I’m gonna posthumously baptize every Mormon with my jizz.

Well, no time like the present, I guess so . . . (masturbating furiously)

dijetlo May 5, 2009 at 6:42 pm

[re=309075]SayItWithWookies[/re]: but you have a friend in Jebus…
He just wont lend you money…
So he’s a lot like your other friends in that regard…also

LittlePig May 5, 2009 at 6:42 pm

[re=309076]helaste[/re]: Hey, if they want to baptize W, it’s their business.

lovekills May 5, 2009 at 6:44 pm

This is what they do, day in and day out inside the temples. What did you think they did in there?

Leopolt May 5, 2009 at 6:45 pm

It’s only a serious matter because they got caught. And because it is the evil Obama’s mama. They don’t want to appear soft on the Antichrist.

Dave J. May 5, 2009 at 6:47 pm

[re=309076]helaste[/re]: Yeah, that happened when I was living in Salt Lake City. (Ugh, btw.) Some guy baptized BOTH Hitler and Anne Frank, on the same day. Stay classy, Utah! Of course, Utah is also the state that (again, when I was there, which was 1997-99) would let girls as young as 14 get married, but wouldn’t let girls younger than 18 get tattooed.

The sad thing is, Utah is the most gorgeous state I’ve ever seen, I mean, it is just spectacularly beautiful. Most states have nice areas and then a lot of “meh,” but virtually every corner of Utah has got something to recommend it. However, virtually every corner also has a boatload of Mormons, hence I am no longer there, and enjoying my > 3.2 beer.

Accordion-o-rama May 5, 2009 at 6:50 pm

Do you suppose they did Barack’s father too? And if not, why not?

rdale May 5, 2009 at 6:52 pm

It’s what the little old retired Mormon people do, they put on their Temple Duds (all white clothes, top to bottom) and go down’ta the TEMP-uhl, as we say here Behind the Zion Curtain, and get dunked all day every day, baptising off of lists they get from the Family History library. Why do you think Mo’s are the tops in the world on genealogy? That’s why. Not only did they do Hitler and Stalin and Idi Amin and Genghis Khan and who knows what other dictators, they started doing Jews who were killed in the Holocaust. That raised some hackles! The Mo’Betta leaders swore up and down they had stopped it but that was just noise, it’s still going on. You can go down by the Tower of Power (the LDS Church Office Building) and watch the baptisers going in and out all day; or you can watch the brides shuttled in and out of the TEMP-uhl grounds every ten minutes. Or go listen to the MoTabSound (Mormon Tabernacle Choir). It’s what we do here!

Loves ya, Wonkette!

Dave J. May 5, 2009 at 6:52 pm

Someone should just baptize Barack as well, and then when the wingers ask him for his birth certificate, he can send them the URL to his baptism record. FTW, also.

Crab1 May 5, 2009 at 6:52 pm

[re=309057]Scandalabra[/re]: She’s already been baptized on Bangbus.com.

Bronkers May 5, 2009 at 6:53 pm

… interesting for a ‘faith’ that has been astonishingly racist, not to forget founded on wacky randiness so that Jos. Smith could boink as many women as possible.

They also somewhat clandestinely record the names of non-LDSers in the Mountain of Names. I know this from a family member who had a work colleague doing this on his work computer; it was discovered by the employer who tried to shut that activity down… with only fitful success I believe.

Doctorb May 5, 2009 at 6:54 pm

Where is the vault copy of Obama’s dead mother’s posthumous magic underwear certificate? WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?

Bronkers May 5, 2009 at 6:55 pm

[re=309090]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Color’d be my guess….

Crab1 May 5, 2009 at 6:56 pm

[re=309072]chascates[/re]: I would like to join your religion. Where can I sign up?

Min May 5, 2009 at 6:56 pm

It’s not the baptizing that so creepy. It’s the grave robbing.

Pop Socket May 5, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=309087]Dave J.[/re]: Salt Lake City has the cleanest, best groomed homeless people in the country.

V572625694 May 5, 2009 at 6:58 pm

So did you just guess my name last night, [re=309063]smartypants[/re]?

WIDTAP May 5, 2009 at 7:02 pm

So let me get this straight – Romney and Obama’s mother are going to have their own universes in the next life, but Obama himself just gets to be President – what a rip off.

shortsshortsshorts May 5, 2009 at 7:05 pm

At least we know she’s saved now.

sati demise May 5, 2009 at 7:05 pm

[re=309091]rdale[/re]: not just raised some hackles,
baptizing Jewish victims of the holocaust also raised some damn fine legal proceedings.

lovekills May 5, 2009 at 7:06 pm

[re=309106]WIDTAP[/re]: No, only men get to have universes. Women just serve.

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 5, 2009 at 7:06 pm

I’m still trying to figure why anybody would give a flying fuck if the Mormons fill out paperwork about them.

chascates May 5, 2009 at 7:07 pm

[re=309101]Crab1[/re]: Until I get the initiative to publish His Gnawerness’ Holy Writ [referred to as 'The Nut Things'] I refer you to:
http://www.venganza.org/

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 7:07 pm

[re=309049]facehead[/re]: I believe that’s DMILB.

El Pinche May 5, 2009 at 7:09 pm

Next we’ll find out they put Toot on the roof of their car and drove muthafuckin Salt Lake city for 22 hrs.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 7:10 pm

[re=309111]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Believe me, it’s not figureoutable.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 7:12 pm

[re=309110]lovekills[/re]: In Hooters uniforms.

El Pinche May 5, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Mike Pence is on a retard media tour. But he just got ass-raped by Matthews .

Aurelio May 5, 2009 at 7:26 pm

What are you pussies complaining about? Stanley Ann Dunham will now have the opportunity to be the primary wife of the god of a WHOLE PLANET. She will get to produce endless spirit babies who will be conceived in fleshly form and grow up to be wives, and later, goddesses of THEIR OWN PLANETS.

How could anyone deprive Stanley Ann of such an exalted, golden future?

nader paul kucinich gravel May 5, 2009 at 7:27 pm

Just the tip of the Mormon iceberg.
Read more about ‘it’

glamourdammerung May 5, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Of course they wanted to baptize the mother.

She was white.

JoeSmithHomo May 5, 2009 at 7:31 pm

And she gets to spend all eternity dressed like a fucking clown! Hopefully some righteous priesthood holder will use his super magic powers to raise her from the grave. Maybe if she’s lucky she can be gay married to Brigham Young.

wickedlittledoll May 5, 2009 at 7:42 pm

Mormons are good for more than just banning the gays from saying “I do!”

http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/

northernbassist May 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm

[re=309072]chascates[/re]: What with his fascination for teh greyz and teh nuttsecks, I’m ASTOUNDED that more Wonketeers are not devoted to The Gnawer.

Bearbloke May 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm

[re=309123]Aurelio[/re]: But will her sister-wives also be the mothers of Presidents, heghnn? Will Rose Kennedy still get to wear her rosary?

shortsshortsshorts May 5, 2009 at 7:50 pm

The irony of this is that despite most of your saying it’s easy to be baptized Mormon— it ain’t. There is an amazing amount of work involved. And yet every dead U.S. President gets baptized. What the hell? I’m so glad Jesus was born in Missouri though. Driving to Bethlehem would sure be a pain in the ass.

In fact, it’s nearly impossible to be baptized LDS— its like trolling Malkin’s site. FEW SUCCEED.

hobospacejunkie May 5, 2009 at 7:55 pm

If you could hie to kolob would you jizz on its face?

Makeithurt May 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm

Those fucking ignorant no helmet havin’ tards. They’re so fucking desperate for members — those holy uterii can’t spit ‘em out fast enough for the assholes. So the ghouls worship dead bodies. Yikes. Why don’t the goddamned right wing extremist bomb those mother fuckers?

chascates May 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm

[re=309136]northernbassist[/re]: Well said, sir!
‘For it is written, even a blind squirrel can find nuts on occasion.”

choinski May 5, 2009 at 8:01 pm

So Obama’s mom is sitting in Mormom heaven, looking at her watch, while a clock ticks in the background. Mormon St Peter doesn’t know what to do, and her luggage is in Muslin Heaven.

Makeithurt May 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm

Mittens strapped his dead grandmother onto the roof of the family station wagon and drove across country so he could baptize her in Salt Lake. Did you know that?

MzNicky May 5, 2009 at 8:07 pm

Um, EXCUSE ME, but how does one go about BAPTIZING someone who’s DEAD? Blergh??

And also: Holy fucking cow, I thought the dang-burned BIBLE BELT was full of nutzoballs. Southren Baptists ain’t got nothin’ on these Mormonese.

skutre May 5, 2009 at 8:13 pm

In a related story, while investigating Swine Flu, Innerside Radio discovers that God and the Crypt Keeper are the same guy!

http://acksisofevil.org/audio/inner222.mp3

or download from
http://acksisofevil.org/innerside.html

I’m a Mammal and so are You – artist unknown
Cooking MonkeyBird Swine Flu with God and Jebidiah Scooter tales from the Crypt!!
Piggies: music by the Beatles
Blackbird: music by the Beatles
Alex the Jones: makes things up for radio
Audio from 12 Monkeys
Monty Python expecting the Spanish Inquisition
The usual bed wetting audio fear from the ever-trembling Michael the Weiner
Sucker Feat: music by Peeping Tom
I was a Communist for the FBI- vintage radio with Dana Andrews
Little Box of Magic: music by Githead
Soundbed throughout was Valvogoth by Just-John
music director this week-John K Fitzpatrick

Hopey dont play that game May 5, 2009 at 8:15 pm

If you are in Utah, try a Polygamy Porter. A good little beer with a great slogan: Why have just one?

http://www.wasatchbeers.com/polygporter.html

JMP May 5, 2009 at 8:17 pm

[re=309090]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Of course not; black people can’t get their own Mormon heaven-planets.

cranky May 5, 2009 at 8:39 pm

mormonitis isn’t just crazy, it is vile. it seems like precisely the kind of thinking stan-ann would have been deeply offended by, especially given what it thinks of her and her bi-racial children.

mookworthjwilson May 5, 2009 at 8:40 pm

That’s it…I am baptizing George Romney into the 1st Church of Satan…

NYNYNY May 5, 2009 at 8:44 pm

[re=309072]chascates[/re]: “thought up as an excuse for an especially long outhouse wank more than a century ago.” Fixed/?/

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Smoking pot is illegal in this country.
Being a Mormon is not.
That is what is wrong with this country.
Period.

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=309104]V572625694[/re]: John boy?

June Cleaver 2.0 May 5, 2009 at 8:50 pm

I hope they don’t try to give Obama three wives who wear those lilac dresses along with those fabulous hair styles.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=309166]smartypants[/re]: Stanley?

sati demise May 5, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=309162]cranky[/re]: sure Stanley Ann already told them, um, she has her own path.
But yea, it is too much.
Mormons trying to get publicity from Obama connection= shameless promotion?
tehy ur doin it rong.

chascates May 5, 2009 at 8:51 pm

[re=309164]NYNYNY[/re]: Thanks, good fix.
[re=309165]Custerwolf[/re]: Overgrow the government.

NYNYNY May 5, 2009 at 8:55 pm

[re=309087]Dave J.[/re]: I’ve never visited Northern Aztlan, but from your description of it, it almost makes wish the Mormons could somehow keep back the coming Reconquista. Which side will Romney fight on, being part Mexican?

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 8:56 pm

[re=309171]Custerwolf[/re]: Livingstone, I presume.

Tommmcatt May 5, 2009 at 8:58 pm

[re=309139]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

And yet the brave and noble try, Shorts. They…keep…trying….

Tommmcatt May 5, 2009 at 8:59 pm

[re=309165]Custerwolf[/re]:

Win-o-win-o-win-o-WIN!!!!!

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 9:03 pm

[re=309179]Tommmcatt[/re]: Quite a gauntlet thrown, there…

NYNYNY May 5, 2009 at 9:06 pm

[re=309154]JMP[/re]: HA ha! Imagine a black person with their own planet! No thanks!

doloras May 5, 2009 at 9:06 pm

I think we’re all overlooking the obvious. Look at the date. This was attempted electoral voodo. The LDSers were trying to get Ms Dunham’s ghost onboard to act against her son, somehow.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 9:08 pm

‘Endowment’? For fuck’s sake, did they give her posthumous breast implants as well?

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=309173]chascates[/re]: Weed out the infidels.

nyhfrog May 5, 2009 at 9:30 pm

Does she get her own planet now? ‘Cause that would make it cool.

SayItWithWookies May 5, 2009 at 9:34 pm

[re=309170]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Church doctrine can change per divine revelation — but dowdy coiffure is set in stone. Though to be fair (excuse me, I’m feeling a little woozy) that awful hairstyle is usually sported by the unreformed polygamists. Regular Kolob-fearing Mormons can walk among us without giving away their true identity.

Alldat May 5, 2009 at 9:38 pm

[re=309184]doloras[/re]: If the election results speak to their success rate, then go do that voodoo that you do so well, say I!

OzoneTom May 5, 2009 at 9:40 pm

[re=309165]Custerwolf[/re]: This is one of my favorite documentaries on one our wackiest cults to date.

That and the movie “September Dawn”…

ifthethunderdontgetya" May 5, 2009 at 9:43 pm

[re=309165]Custerwolf[/re]: I think you’re on to something, there.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 9:53 pm

[re=309201]OzoneTom[/re]: Wow. I laughed. I cried. I threw up in my mouth a little. Showcases some of the finest animation to date, I believe – although Jessica Simpson looked a bit heavy in that scene with the baby.

Lazy Media May 5, 2009 at 9:57 pm

As a confirmed skeptic (atheists are too dogmatic for my taste), I would LURVE for the Mormons to baptize me. Strictly as a hedge; I could be wrong, y’know, but I’m not going to actively pretend to worship a sky magician.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 10:04 pm

[re=309207]Lazy Media[/re]: Worshipping anything besides ice cream is blasphemous.

Mista Eko May 5, 2009 at 10:07 pm

Everybody queue up to be Obama sister wives!

thwanger May 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm

wait. barry’s mom’s name was stanley?

did she have a purple crayon?

shortsshortsshorts May 5, 2009 at 10:29 pm

[re=309208]Custerwolf[/re]: Even ice cream is blasphemous when you bring Bob Barker into the right context.

lulzmonger May 5, 2009 at 10:35 pm

It’s official: Jesus IS coming back, straight from Cloud 9 to Salt Lake City – & She’s going to have a chainsaw in one hand & a flamethrower in the other, not to mention a hardcore case of PMS.

Way to go, Church Of Latter-Day Fail. We’ll rename Wormwood “Brigham’s Gallstone” in your honor.

Bowdoin May 5, 2009 at 10:38 pm

Well, as a child of Cain, or one of them, at least Obama won’t be shanghaied into that cult except as a waiter.

SayItWithWookies May 5, 2009 at 10:39 pm

[re=309217]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Remember to always spay or neuter your ice cream.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 10:40 pm

[re=309217]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’m not going to touch that one -even with my ice cream glove.

Bearbloke May 5, 2009 at 10:49 pm

[re=309206]Custerwolf[/re]: Then try the Remixed version…

V572625694 May 5, 2009 at 11:03 pm

[re=309166]smartypants[/re]: I’m here. Howdja know? I’m a little scared. Which has its virtues at times.

meyotch May 5, 2009 at 11:04 pm

[re=309139]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Gotta disagree Mr. cubed-shorts. It’s easy to convince a Mormon to baptize you. It will only take about 40 hours of your time over a 6-week period. You may have to make a token tithe to convince them that you will be be a good source of residual income.

The hard part is keeping a straight face through the condescending 6-part discussion series, pretending to be be amazed by the theological gyrations of your new friends, the ability to act cool during three-hour church services without needing to sneak out for a smoke break, a willingness to stand waist-deep in luke-warm water with a 20-year old farm boy in front of beaming simpletons (that one might not be so bad, depending).

Anyhow, what was I talking about? I think I just disproved my point. Nevermind.

V572625694 May 5, 2009 at 11:06 pm

[re=309221]Custerwolf[/re]: [re=309177]smartypants[/re]: And honestly, all this Mormon “theology” talk is sooo boring. Let’s talk tax policy! And woodworking!

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 11:14 pm

[re=309223]Bearbloke[/re]: Well, I had to stop the video 5 seconds into it in order to come back here and thank you. I will now be replaying it over and over again for the next hour or two.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 11:15 pm

[re=309227]V572625694[/re]: Then we can talk wood.

shortsshortsshorts May 5, 2009 at 11:16 pm

[re=309226]meyotch[/re]: Congratulations on becoming my new favorite person on Wonkette, with a bullet no less (BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT IS LIKE SO FUCKING IMPORTANT FOR ME TO SAY AND STUFFS).

That was the a win you had there, god dammit. You and custerwolf should battle to the death, for glory purposes, of course.

V572625694 May 5, 2009 at 11:22 pm

[re=309231]Custerwolf[/re]: Honduras mahogany. Andaman padauk. American black walnut. Zebrawood. Hawaiian koa. White oak, red oak, pin oak. Brazilian rosewood.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 11:26 pm

[re=309233]V572625694[/re]: Are those hard?

V572625694 May 5, 2009 at 11:29 pm

[re=309234]Custerwolf[/re]: Rock maple, like all of the others.

“Hardwoods” come from broad-leafed trees; “softwoods” come from narrow-leafed (evergreen, pine) trees. Sitka spruce, nominally a softwood, is in truth very, very hard. Balsa wood, such as they make toy airplanes out of, is a hardwood.

Many are the mysteries of the forest. Let’s explore them.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 11:34 pm

I just found out Dom Deluise passed away – which would have me feeling really really sad right now except that I thought he had died already.
R.I.P. to a wonderful comedian.
May the Mormons never realize you have gone.

shortsshortsshorts May 5, 2009 at 11:38 pm

[re=309235]V572625694[/re]: “Balsa wood” is derived from “salsawood,” which was a failed Argentinian strategy to bring more people to Buenos Aries. While a wonderful city, their abundance of Balsawood kept people from staying alive in the event of a building collapse. Case in point: no more salsawood.

archaeo-angel May 5, 2009 at 11:56 pm

[re=309165]Custerwolf[/re]:
“Smoking pot is illegal in this country.
Being a Mormon is not.
That is what is wrong with this country.
Period.”

In a nutshell (pun intended) you are right.
*bows*

Scottie May 6, 2009 at 12:00 am

[re=309058]rambone[/re]: I bet they got stand-ins to marry for his mom and dad too!

azw88 May 6, 2009 at 12:02 am

The Mormons make this whole baptism of the dead thing a big deal for their youth. The kids get to be baptized for famous people. I suspect it is all a scam, I mean, how many times does Elvis have be baptized? I know he lead a pretty sin-filled life, but getting dunked in water by proxy year after year???

azw88 May 6, 2009 at 12:04 am

[re=309076]helaste[/re]: they also get dead-baptized for Jews killed in the Holocaust.

I guess they want Hitler and his henchmen to have some people to kick around in the afterlife too.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 6, 2009 at 12:09 am

Does this at least mean that Obama is an American now?

Custerwolf May 6, 2009 at 12:12 am

[re=309235]V572625694[/re]: I used to be a plant community organizer.

El Pinche May 6, 2009 at 12:30 am

I have to admit that of all of the mythologic horseshit out there, mormonism is the most interesting and even scifi-ish:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_7nJ5wM7QQ

Intergalactic sex! Apparently some space asshole came down and buttseksed the “virgin” mary to shit out jr.

However, apparently my galactic ancestry were indecisive motherfuckers, hence my dark latino skin.

Bearbloke May 6, 2009 at 12:51 am

[re=309236]Custerwolf[/re]: Well, according to this BBC News post from a few days ago, maybe Dom will soon make a reappearance…

hobospacejunkie May 6, 2009 at 12:51 am

[re=309252]El Pinche[/re]: I have to admit that of all the mythologic horseshit out there, mormonism is the most retarded and even cultish.

Though that video, also referenced earlier by OzoneTom, kicks some righteous ass.

I’m guessing most Mormons don’t spend a lot of time contemplating the planet they will be god of when they go to Mormon heaven, though. From the ones I’ve met, I’d say most of them tend to concentrate on being as square as possible and also nice to other people. Though being a suspicious sort, I might think the being nice part is a red herring to divert our attention from their church’s bizarro history and the fact that it was created by a con man with a gift for taking advantage of weak-minded simpletons.

El Pinche May 6, 2009 at 1:24 am

[re=309255]hobospacejunkie[/re]: yeah, i escaped from catholicism after my first communion (and I was 12 or something). I can’t figure out why my officemate, a full-blown moroni, who’s a very sharp fellow, doesn’t see through it. Maybe he’s a polygamist, i don’t know.

NYNYNY May 6, 2009 at 1:28 am

[re=309236]Custerwolf[/re]: It makes me sad knowing he’s been alive all this time.

heroinmule May 6, 2009 at 1:32 am

This makes me want to poop in Mitt Romney’s mouth.

sezme May 6, 2009 at 1:40 am

“…[makes you] wonder why Jesus & God ever created humans”
We were supposed to be lion food. God just fucked up bigtime on people in general (and likewise, people in general have fucked up bigtime on god).

schvitzatura May 6, 2009 at 1:46 am

ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS, JOE & BRIGHAM, EXCEPT EUROPA.
ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE
USE THEM TOGETHER
USE THEM IN PEACE

Canuck13652 May 6, 2009 at 2:02 am

[re=309139]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Actually it’s sort of not. I got baptized by a friend while drunk at a gay pool party–he was still a non-excommunicated member of the melchisedek (sp . . . ) priesthood, so it was technically valid. Then three gay friends (also non-excommunicated) confirmed me a while later. I’ve told the story to other mormons and ex mormons who were scandalized because the baptism was technically valid.

Of course, they never let me get the secret underwear, but that might be because I told them they had to be sort of sexy and package-enhancing with a cool design . . .

SayItWithWookies May 6, 2009 at 2:37 am

[re=309265]Canuck13652[/re]: Yeah, but aren’t you supposed to read a bunch of pamphlets and such first? There must be some bylaws where you can’t just get baptized without reading some of the body of tedious literature on what the religion is about. And if some don’t exist already, one of the high priests can come up with a revelation whereby he can kick you out on a retroactive technicality. Religion is like Calvinball in that respect.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 6, 2009 at 4:06 am

We are all Mormons now.

gurukalehuru May 6, 2009 at 6:25 am

Way OT, but just go to YouTube, Ken Lee. Susan Boyle is old news.

SlipperyDick May 6, 2009 at 6:27 am

I am Mormon, hear me roar.

meyotch May 6, 2009 at 6:31 am

Crap, I got a win from this triple-short guy and I was off “working”.

Anyhow, Mormons! Hilarious. Treat them nice and please be sure to let them taste the good drugs and show them the right rooms to go to at the various parties. Poor kids don’t know about the green room.

Be careful, though. They do have an inner narc.

bago May 6, 2009 at 7:54 am

[re=309265]Canuck13652[/re]: All your wives are belong to us!

Vartan84 May 6, 2009 at 8:33 am

They have been doing this for years. They baptized a bunch of Armenian saints from a couple thousand years ago and got the official Armenian church all up in a tizzy since according to the Mormon church, their saints belonged to them now! Mwhahaha what a diabolical scheme it sounds like.

zhubajie May 6, 2009 at 8:46 am

So, he’s not a secret Muslim but a secret Mormon!

Zhu Bajie

TGY May 6, 2009 at 9:30 am

HANDS OFF PEOPLE’S DEAD MOMS, YOU COCKSUCKERS! For the love of Plastic Jesus.

TGY May 6, 2009 at 9:33 am

[re=309280]zhubajie[/re]: They both begin with ‘M’ and hence are easily confused. If one uses the correct spelling: ‘Muslin’, they both end in ‘N’, which doesn’t help.

loudensspam May 6, 2009 at 9:53 am

[re=309066]dijetlo[/re]:

I think the only conclusion one can logically draw from this, is that Barack Obama is NOT a US citizen.

Custerwolf May 6, 2009 at 9:54 am

[re=309260]NYNYNY[/re]: If your arms were here I would have collapsed into them weak with laughter.

Custerwolf May 6, 2009 at 9:55 am

[re=309271]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Huh, I thought my world looked smaller, stupider, and homelier when I got up this morning.

snideinplainsight May 6, 2009 at 9:57 am

Mormons! Ooooh!

See, this just gets me ABSOLUTELY TICKED OFF, because I had that women posthumously baptized a Lutheran, just last month.

Custerwolf May 6, 2009 at 10:19 am

[re=309314]snideinplainsight[/re]: You think you’re pissed, I almost had her resurrected when they pulled this shit.

Prommie May 6, 2009 at 10:26 am

[re=309233]V572625694[/re]: Black Walnut, it cuts like butter.

smartypants May 6, 2009 at 10:34 am

Oh fuck me naked I missed the hard wood sexin talk. My family seems to think I am supposed to spend time with them at night. What is wrong with them?

Also, you people are all diseased and too young to remember the Waltons.

[re=309225]V572625694[/re]: If your name is John Boy then I love you more than my rabbit.

And I STILL want to hear about prop 13 as I am an ignorant goddamn slut about tax law.

However…

I will be intermittent at best since I am now being stalked by people trying to surprise me with some sort of perverted gift/vacation perpretrated by the Hallmarkz Institute for the Permanently Brain Damaged.

I suspect that I am being shuttled off to some sort of Re-education Camp/Resort Hotel where I will be plied with exotic poisons and made to feel Good About Capitalizm.

I’m pretty sure that my husband is a clone–he’s too ‘happy’ and ‘loves’ me too much….just like in that movie where Arnold was married to the Fabulous Sharon Stone except she really was just trying to keep him from destroying the Evulz.

My children are also clones right now….they are stalking me with a gift card.

Send the ransom. Hurry. I think they’re taking me on Friday..tchhhh, of COURSE!!

RoscoePColtraine May 6, 2009 at 10:39 am

Hey, I know what let’s do. Let’s say that we weren’t “torturing” people. We were “baptising” them. The Moron way, where they get baptized without consent. Yay!

arclight May 6, 2009 at 10:40 am

That’s it….I’m going to posthumously induct George Romney into my Order of the Trapezoid of Satan.

RoscoePColtraine May 6, 2009 at 10:50 am

We baptise some of the muslins hundreds of times. In case the others didn’t work – in the sight of the Lord. Amen.
(Always say amen at the end, so the authorities know you weren’t torturing.)

snideinplainsight May 6, 2009 at 11:10 am

And what does that mean, she married a ‘laminate’? I don’t believe in engineered wood products, personally.

AnnieGetYourFun May 6, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Hey, if the Mormons want to spend their time and money baptizing people who have been dead for years, who am I to care? Keeps them from doing other shit, like working at my office and being the most annoying people in the world.

KingofQueenAnne May 6, 2009 at 12:20 pm

I’ve got to say, as an ex-Mormon faggety fag fag, there was nothing more eye-rollingly boring than baptizing 20-30 of my dead ancestors on a perfectly good Saturday afternoon. The best part, however, was the lecture we’d get from the Temple President (basically an administrator) who would take us to this hallway in the Los Angeles Temple on Santa Monica Boulevard (like Scientologists only with more tasteful landscaping) and shows us a picture of the Founding Fathers coming down to Wilford Woodruff in the St. George Temple looooong after their deaths and asking to be baptized post-humously. Never mind the fact that they were pretty much deists and not very interested in organized religion.

Y’all *think* you know weird shit ’bout Mormons…

Bearbloke May 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm

I wonder what my speed- & pot-dealing/taking Mormon college roommate (the one who did his mission in Ibiza, scoping out chix on his bike by day so he could later hook-up with them at the Foam parties) would’ve thought about all this… he once told me that “there’s a lot of this stuff I don’t believe, but some of it’s ok, and it keep my parents happy”), he never tried to push that Mor(m)on stuff on me, and he asked me to be his roommate after he found out that I’m a Bearbloke… a good guy on balance…

Timmy'sinthewell May 6, 2009 at 12:33 pm

All your dead mamas are belong to us.

Rachel May 6, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Ummm…being Mormon, I’m surprised at some of the ignorance here that is being talked about. For one thing, we don’t dig up dead people to baptize them:) We act as proxy’s i.e. we are baptised for them. We do this because we believe that every one should be offered what we view as blessings and not everyone has had the opportunity or chance to accept baptism in this life. Basically we believe baptism is important and want everyone to have that chance…but if we are baptized for them, that doesn’t mean they are automatically Mormon. They still have the choice to accept or reject it. So, if I baptism my grandpa, he can still choose to reject that baptism. Therefore, they can still consent or not consent to this ordinance. It may sound strange, but we are not trying to take away choice, but to extend it.

Now, for someone to be baptized for Obama’s mom…well our church really teaches that we should only be baptized for our relatives. But that obviously is not always followed by individual members.

Anyways, it seems to me like most people who are reading this probably could care less about getting their facts straight, but I thought I’d write this for those who do care.

And just in case anyone cares, I did vote for Obama:) and am a very religious mormon..shouldn’t be stereotyping people too much.

RoscoePColtraine May 6, 2009 at 1:22 pm

[re=309579]Rachel[/re]: Oh dear, Rachel….tsk tsk. You came here to Wonkette and read and believed everything to be divinely inspired inerrant truth, didn’t you? See, here’s how it’s supposed to work: I say something, hopefully outrageous, scandalous and above all giggle worthy. Then someone tries to come back with something even more outrageous, scandalous and fucking hilarious! Then we all pause to reflect on our wit and insight into the world. Sometimes we think, “I can’t believe he/she actually said that. Dear God!”

I am enjoying learning about html insertion, also. The End.

SayItWithWookies May 6, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=309579]Rachel[/re]: It’s a corpse, not a choice!
And no, I don’t care about getting my facts right. When arguing about religion with the religious, I’ve found that sticking to actual facts is a handicap against people who can just make shit up about whatever they want. Like how dead people can exercise choice.

engulfedinflames May 6, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=309579]Rachel[/re]: “you really have no problem with the concept of extending choice of religion to the dead? i may be ignorant but i don’t have a little oompah band in my head telling me everyday is october-fest.

chaircrusher May 6, 2009 at 1:42 pm

The LDS Church has been feverishly baptizing dead people for a long time. Given that it’s something a faithful Mormon is required to do as part of being LDS, that there are millions of adult Mormons around the world, and the limited supply of dead people, they’ve long since baptized everyone they could. In fact the strenuously denied (by the LDS Church) rumor is that they’ve been recycling lists of names for many years.

Not to mention the fact that you don’t have to go back very far for ancestors to overlap between seemingly unrelated families, so in trying to baptize their ancestors, they’re baptizing other people’s already-baptised ancestors as well.

And even more ridiculous, some Mormons (including some to which I’m related) have done such a good job on their geneology that they claim they’ve traced back into the bible, and therefore have geneologies that go all the way back to Adam and Eve. Add to that the fact that if you go back more than four or five hundred years the geneological records get pretty fanciful. Result? The Mormons have been baptizing make-believe people.

I’m what they used to call a “little lost sheep” back in Mormon Sunday School, so I don’t have access, but I’m willing to bet good money they’ve baptized REAL fictional characters, like Barney Rubble, Andy Griffith, Barney Fife, Sherlock Holmes, etc etc. All it takes is for someone doing their geneology to submit the name with a straight face.

Bearbloke May 6, 2009 at 1:54 pm

[re=309664]chaircrusher[/re]: So does that mean you’re gonna burn in whatever the Antipode to Kolob is?

smartypants May 6, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=309615]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: That was very civilized of you.

[re=309579]Rachel[/re]: Rachel, I love you even if the rest of these motherfuckers don’t. We’re a BIG tent of LOVE here at Wonkette.

Custersdeadhorse May 6, 2009 at 2:25 pm

With over 9,000 page views on Wonkette on this thread alone, Barry Obama really is the Magical Negro. By allowing the morons to baptize his dead mother, in abstenia, he has provided economic development to Wonkette and no doubt more than a few blogs of the wingnut variety. The Mormons, Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Alaska should keep Wonkette editors in ameros for the rest of the decade–oops it’s 2009!

How much buttsekks occurs in these Morman baptistries with the 20 year old farm boys?

Bearbloke May 6, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=309741]Custersdeadhorse[/re]: I lost my virginity with a Mormon, but we were both in high school…

IonaTrailer May 6, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Those fuckers in Utah tried to include my dead Jews in their delusional system until I told them I would sue their asses if they didn’t remove the names immediately.

Did you know that when a good Mormon dies he gets his own planet, populated by all his “spiritual” wives? And their idea of Heaven is to be perpetually pregnant?

This could only have been thought up by a horny teen-aged boy.

What’s next? The Scientologists?

Custerwolf May 6, 2009 at 4:15 pm

[re=309579]Rachel[/re]: I was with you all up until that point where you said “anywayS.” You see Rach, I just can’t abide folks who put an ‘s’ on the end of that word. I feel deeply that only a retard would do such a thing. Therefore, I must throw out this whole idea of baptism as well, being that it was espoused by the selfsame trollop who dared to use the godless word “anyways.” You’re headed straight for hell now, missy, there’s no turning back.

smartypants May 6, 2009 at 5:16 pm

[re=309947]Custerwolf[/re]: I think we scared Rachel away. Love the name, though. So Biblical.

DangerousLiberal May 10, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=309091]rdale[/re]: Yep. For some reason, a few Mormon olds in Utah are related to about 6 million jews. So it’s all OK, also.

Hagar77 May 11, 2009 at 12:26 am

“Lucy Harris smart smart smart. Smart smart smart smart smart. Martin Harris dum de dum.”

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