WEAPONS  3:30 pm May 5, 2009

Sarah Palin To Shoot Mitt Romney With Fancy Engraved Alaska Gun

by Sara K. Smith

Safety first!Yay, it’s Sarah Palin Tuesday! Anybody who reads that sentence and thinks, “Ugh who even cares about that woman, she is as boring as Meghan McCain” is welcome to just go slobber over Foreign Affairs if they thirst so deeply for knowledge. Everyone else can stick around for exciting Sarah Palin Memorial Gun News.

It is a well-known fact that Governor Palin loves the heavy-duty firearms, for the purposes of shooting furred critters. Millions of Americans find this very charming and masturbate frequently to the thought of Sarah Palin with a gun. And now their fantasies may become even more elaborate, because the NRA is about to give her a large white assault phallus specially designed for her pleasure:

It’s engraved with Palin’s name and adorned with a map of the state on the collapsible stock – made legal after the expiration of the assault weapons ban in 2004. The Big Dipper from the state flag is etched on the magazine well behind a vented barrel guard.

The rifle is chambered in .50-caliber “Beowulf.” It’s the same caliber used by heavy machine guns, which can take down big game, and in war zones “can disable both motor vehicles and assailants with body armor,” according to ammo manufacturer Alexander Arms’ Web site.

Sadly, only TWO of these weapons exist in the whole world, and Sarah Palin gets one of them. The other one will be auctioned off. So save up your lunch munnies, this too could be yours!

Sarah Palin honored by NRA with special Alaska-themed assault rifle [New York Daily News]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Fastest way to make Sarah put down that rifle is to tell her she looks fat in it.

masterdebater May 5, 2009 at 3:35 pm

They might do better with an auction that lets you beat her with it…in the grand tradition of Redneckery which she so dearly loves, of course.

Woodwards Friend May 5, 2009 at 3:36 pm

But does it have a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time?

bfstevie May 5, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Deja vu! I recall reading a discussion of this lovely piece, and also the gun, somewhere else. Maybe in the comments section of some notoriously snarky blog on the intertubes.

It would be wrong to suggest all wonketeers should buy guns now. It could lead to the scorn and reprobation of my beloved fellow readers. Also.

Bronkers May 5, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=308773]Custerwolf[/re]: Oh yayyy, well done.

stew May 5, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Sometimes an AK47 is just an AK47 (but not here–this is definate dick stuff).

ella May 5, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=308773]Custerwolf[/re]: Or that it’s ruining her makeup when she holds it up to take aim.

Serolf Divad May 5, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Christ, this is the sort of gift you give to a tribal warlord in a failed state. Is this relly what we’ve become, or merely how the bitters see themselves?

chascates May 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

The .50 Beowolf is a short round than the .50 caliber used in M2 machine guns and the sniper rifles. It’ll merely kill a grizzly bear whereas the longer round would turn the meat into hamburger all at once.

Lucas Burch May 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Sarah Palin Memorial Gun News?

Did she shoot herself? Also.

Anonymous Office Zombie May 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

.50-caliber? Holy fuck.

That ex-brother-in-law law enforcement dude better start sleeping in a tank.

JesseJB May 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

That gun’s fer shootin’ Putin.

Larry Fine May 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

The gun is very powerful, and while the shooter is still in Alaska can be fired to hit Russians.

ManchuCandidate May 5, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Going for the OBVIOUS: Sarah’s Got A Gun

Dum, dum, dum, Sarah what have you done
Dum, dum, dum, it’s the blast of her gun
Dum, dum, dum, Sarah what have you done
Dum, dum, dum, it’s the blast, it’s the blast…
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah….

Sarah’s got a gun
Sarah’s got a gun
That big big fucking gun
From the gun happy NRA dudes
What did Mitt Romney do?
What did he put you through?

They say when Sarah was arrested
They found him on a bear run
But man, he had it comin’
Now that Sarah’s got a gun
She ain’t never gonna be the same

Sarah’s got a gun
Sarah’s got a gun
Her wolf hunt’s just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell her now it’s untrue
What did Mitt Romney do?

He called her a useless purty dummy
The man has got to be Mormoni
They say the things that he was mocking
The star bursts and the “you betchyas”
Knew that he had to stop the Palin

Run away, run away from the Palin
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Run away, run away from the Palin
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=308773]Custerwolf[/re]: Heh…as I’m walking out of the guest bedroom with Todd’s peter tracks on my leg (hey, you started it, and now my Mojito fantasy has been replaced).

SayItWithWookies May 5, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Wow, what an unsightly piece of crap. And it’s all-white and made by an operation called Templar Consulting? I can only imagine the batshit Aryan Identity neo-crusader bring-on-the-Armageddon mindset behind this. Of course I could be wrong — but that’s not the way I’m betting.

HoboNutz May 5, 2009 at 3:47 pm

If you assholes write one more story about Palin today I swear I’ll burn the internet down

TGY May 5, 2009 at 3:48 pm

What, no M203 grenade launcher under the barrel? Wimps.

twowheeljunkie May 5, 2009 at 3:49 pm


This from you after your rant about looks?

You women are your own worst enemy.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=308792]smartypants[/re]: I’ve added to our Todd discussion on the previous thread.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=308800]twowheeljunkie[/re]: You’re not paying close enough attention.

DC Hates Me May 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Sarah Palin brings a refreshing pragmatism to politics. Kill it, skin it, eat it, wear it .. are universals.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 3:53 pm

[re=308800]twowheeljunkie[/re]: If you were a woman I’d kick you in the cunt.

ManchuCandidate May 5, 2009 at 3:53 pm

With a .50 cal rifle, you don’t need a stinkin grenade launcher.

Crab1 May 5, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Can she end all of her public appearances by firing an entire clip straight up in the air as she makes her exit? Real Americans would love that.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 3:54 pm

My over-Palinized brain has entered a refractory period where I can no longer respond.

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=308800]twowheeljunkie[/re]: [re=308811]Custerwolf[/re]:

And you’d LIKE it.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=308786]chascates[/re]: You know too much about guns. Are you doing espionage on wonkette for Faux News? I hereby do not trust you and do not believe you are an ACORN.

EricSaeger May 5, 2009 at 4:00 pm

As a human who likes to appear savvy with respect to huge guns, I must declare that that is one humunous gun, and I’d love to see her in Dresden Dolls stockings with a giant cock choking her to tears.

TGY May 5, 2009 at 4:02 pm

[re=308812]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hah, you *always* need a grenade launcher for *serious* bidness.

Human-Animal Hybrid May 5, 2009 at 4:02 pm

You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 4:02 pm

[re=308824]EricSaeger[/re]: god I love you.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2009 at 4:03 pm

Please, please Sarah, invite Cheney to go hunting with you. And loan him your big, special gun.

And is Sarahpac really paying for the ad that’s been staring at me or is that just wonkette fucking with them?

JMP May 5, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Damn, the Johnsons really better stay away from Alaska now. Sadly, I’ve got several friends who find Palin hunting to be teh hottest who will really start fapping over this.

What do the gun nuts want these massive weapons for, anyway? Are the moose packing 9mms now?

chascates May 5, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=308817]DustBowlBlues[/re]: No, NO! Just the result of growing up in the Texas panhandle. Unavoidable. The deadliest weapon I own now is my appetite. And I’m off to check my mail and get a Wendy’s Baconattor.

x111e7thst May 5, 2009 at 4:12 pm

They make something besides muzzle loaders in 50 caliber? For the civilian market? Hot damn.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=308835]JMP[/re]: Actually since there are WAY more hunters than moose up there, I’m supposing the extra firepower is for taking out the competition.

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 4:14 pm

[re=308833]DustBowlBlues[/re]: “Sarahpac” is her exotic Mayan name. Last name “Shakira”.

Look it up.

chascates May 5, 2009 at 4:15 pm

[re=308853]x111e7thst[/re]: For the wealthy gun nuts:

bitchincamaro May 5, 2009 at 4:17 pm

With 19 babies in the house, you’d think she’d have had her fill of big-dipper engravings.

azw88 May 5, 2009 at 4:23 pm

[re=308773]Custerwolf[/re]: Maybe, but I bet it is more likely that she would ‘put you down’ with the rifle if you said that..

JMP May 5, 2009 at 4:36 pm

[re=308857]Custerwolf[/re]: If only that were the case; it would thin out their ranks a little. Well, I suppose that is what Cheney uses his guns for.

Maybe Palin figures that her family has to be prepared to fight the Chinese invasion of Alaska of 2066?

TheVeryHungryCaterpillar May 5, 2009 at 4:38 pm

What the fuck is up with those Rhinemaidens? They should stick to rings.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2009 at 4:38 pm

[re=308843]chascates[/re]: So pleased to know you’re not an operative for gun-totin’ teabaggers.

In my county, the local sheriff’s dept is so underfunded they have a raffle every year to raise money. What, you make ask, would a sheriff raffle? A donated shotgun, of course. The tragedy is none them can spell irony, let alone know what it is.

cranky May 5, 2009 at 4:40 pm

[re=308800]twowheeljunkie[/re]: logic fail, do not try this again.

Da Derga May 5, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Of course none of these ding-dongs have read enough of Beowulf to know that Grendel was impervious to weapons.

DangerousLiberal May 5, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Wow, did I just accidentally end up on the Chicks with Guns website?

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 4:47 pm

[re=308880]azw88[/re]: What – and risk mussing her hair?

smartypants May 5, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Mojito time, people….celebrating Sarahpac Shakira Day with a Mayan favorite.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 4:54 pm

[re=308902]JMP[/re]: 20 years ago when I lived in AK and worked for Fish and Wildlife (the feds) they were manipulating every square inch of the wildlife refuge where I worked (all 2 million acres)in order to lower predator numbers (except for the lynx which made pretty coats)and up the moose numbers. Every season, we’d have hunters getting into arguments over who’d actually shot the moose first. And the trees were littered with snowshoe hare carcasses. AK is a real live video game for retards.

Lazy Media May 5, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Man, I hate when reporters write about guns. The .50 caliber heavy machine-gun bullet and the itty bitty .50 cal that Sarah’s gun shoots are completely different rounds. The machine-gun round is literally 10 times more powerful and has 10 times more range than the .50 Beowulf.


The bullet in the middle of the row in the back is about the same size as a .50 Beowulf, kind of a medium-sized rifle cartridge with a fat bullet. The .50 Browning machine-gun round is only slightly smaller than what cannons shoot.

I’m not sure what the point of the .50 Beowulf is. Marketing? It’s similar in power and bullet size to the old .45-70, which was an 1860s invention, and I guess it’s for people who want to shoot a bullet like that out of an assault rifle.

SnarkNotFark May 5, 2009 at 5:05 pm

[re=308799]TGY[/re]: M203 Grenade Launchers are for pussies. What Sarah really needs the ultimate piece of survivalist machismo (femchismo?)- CHAINSAW BAYONET!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ljd_hUxCfI

chascates May 5, 2009 at 5:08 pm

[re=308937]Lazy Media[/re]: I think it’s another to make money off people who already own an AR-15. You can get to .50 Beowolf add-on for a mere $800 or so. And of course they now have the 6.8PPC and God knows what else.
Because you want one of everything available.

szielins May 5, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Strictly speaking, that’s an “assault weapon”, as opposed to an “assault rifle.” (Assault rifles have receivers enabling to fire fully automatic, or at least a short [typically three round] burst at a cyclic rate faster than a person could pull the trigger. “Assault weapon” is a neologism meaning, in essence, “semi-automatic rifle that looks scary.”)

The .50 Beowulf is an interesting cartridge– 12.7mm diameter, and (according to Wikipedia) intended to be loaded to 3160 to 4234 Joules. For comparison, a simple .30-06– which is a bit over a hundred years old as I type this, and is the canonical deer rifle cartridge– is loaded to 3820 to 4495 Joules. So what she’s actually got there is a deer rifle firing a particularly slow, fat, and heavy bullet.

You may wonder why anyone would bother developing a new cartridge in .50 caliber with the same energy as an existing (and long since debugged) deer rifle cartridge. Simple: Alexander Arms intended for it to be used as a light anti-vehicle round. Hence, what the NRA has given Mrs. Palin is an INACCURATE deer rifle firing a particularly slow, fat, and heavy bullet. Although it’s no good for deer– you need a light and fast bullet for that, because in woods where deer are hunted, they quickly get into the habit of staying the hell away from people. Slow, fat, heavy bullets like the .50 Beowulf are strongly affected by crosswinds, and have a nasty tendency to drop and plow into the ground unless one angles the rifle to sort of lob the bullet downrange. So unless the deer have taken to wearing body armor, or Mrs. Palin now considers manning “vehicle checkpoints” a sport– which I would not, of course, rule out– about the only thing she can do with that rifle is order the help to dust it.

Actually, though… Come to think of it, there is a sporting use for the cartridge that occurs to me. Give them to wolves so they can return fire.

Wikipedia article on the .50 Beowulf:

chascates May 5, 2009 at 5:23 pm

Man, any trolls checking us out would figure we’re socialist, gay-marryin’, atheistic, AND violent!

Lazy Media May 5, 2009 at 5:24 pm

[re=308950]szielins[/re]: We probably should take this discussion to alt.rec.guns\Sarapalin\porn.

erectiledisfunction May 5, 2009 at 5:28 pm

Oh JOY! My erectile disfunction is finally cured!!!!! Woohoo!!!!! Uhhhhhhhhh …….. wait ………. false alarm. :-(

problemwithcaring May 5, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=308811]Custerwolf[/re]: Haha!

ManchuCandidate May 5, 2009 at 5:30 pm

“slow, fat, and heavy bullet”

So, what you’re saying a .50 Beowulf is a metaphor for the GOP Party and it’s supporters?

Neilist May 5, 2009 at 5:55 pm


NOBODY who’s ANYBODY uses the old .50 cal. BMG round anymore.

Least not in a sniper rifle.

We’ve all moved on to the .408 CheyTac or equivalent. Better ballistics, longer range, more accuracy.

The kind of thing you need when you’re tasked with taking out a South African bishop with a cold bore shot at over 1500 meters.

The .50 cal. BMG is still good, though, for the right job. Say, gunning down Palestinian school children with the good ol’ Browning Ma-Duce (M-2) from the gunner’s hatch of your IDF M-113 APC.

Equipment designed in America. Made in America. Paid for by Americas!

dijetlo May 5, 2009 at 6:08 pm

50 Caliber?
Her lady bits are liable to bounce off and be stolen by the hungry, homeless polar bears

Bruno May 5, 2009 at 6:56 pm

OK, which one of you in Alaska can file multiple ethics violations about this? (I would recommend leaving the state after you do because if there’s one thing Snowbilly knows how to do is kill stuff)

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=308966]problemwithcaring[/re]: I’m sorry, it looked as though you were going to say something before you were cut off?

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 7:04 pm

[re=309015]Neilist[/re]: You are irresistably drawn to the powerful phermone of gunpowder, I see.

Q2 May 5, 2009 at 8:26 pm

I’d sell that pos and buy an FAL.

Neilist May 5, 2009 at 8:53 pm


Go away, Crustedwolf.

Shoo! Shoo!

Not interested.

Something about “slow, fat and heavy” I find unattractive.

(In bullets, too.)

AKAM80TheWolf May 5, 2009 at 9:11 pm


Snatch me if you can! It won’t be easy to do.

AKAM80TheWolf May 5, 2009 at 9:13 pm


When did Wendy’s start renting out P.O. Boxes?

AKAM80TheWolf May 5, 2009 at 9:17 pm


Is it a requisite to use a browning when mowing down brown people? Just curious.

Custerwolf May 5, 2009 at 9:17 pm

[re=309174]Neilist[/re]: “Something about “slow, fat and heavy” I find unattractive.”

Well I suppose there’s no harm in your writing such a thing since your wife is also no doubt illiterate.

lulzmonger May 5, 2009 at 11:11 pm

Most tasteful heat I’ve seen since the “Hello Kitty” Kalishnikov some years back.

What, no custom Luger for Trig, or maybe a nice pearl-inlaid Gatling Gun for Bristol? Cheapskates.

archaeo-angel May 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm

let’s just hope she looks up the barrel to make sure it is loaded, and an earthquake happens….

Custerwolf May 6, 2009 at 12:10 am

[re=309241]archaeo-angel[/re]: Bristol’s keeping her legs crossed.

NunnaTheSOBs May 6, 2009 at 1:52 pm

More musings about the moose murdering MILF —
many men would love to have her staring down THEIR muzzles ….
that ALONE will keep her politically viable until 50.

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