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Butterstick Takes It Up The Hindquarters For Science

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The life of Butterstick the National Zoo panda follows an all-too-common trajectory: we’ve seen him grow from adorable infant to teenage crack-whore to compulsive leg-humper and now, to a middle-aged adult with irritable bowels.

Butterstick had to get a colonoscopy as part of his yearly checkup. Apparently he developed an “inflammatory bowel condition” last summer and lost 30 pounds, so vets wanted to make sure his colon was OK.

Oh but fear not, America! The exploration revealed a thrivingly healthy colon, plus two gerbil skeletons and the ghost of Rod Stewart.

Even pandas need colonoscopies [NBC2 News]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ManchuCandidate

    I thought it was Richard Gere.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Finally! A panda I’ve got something in common with.

  • agentstinky

    Remember that time Bush got a colonoscopy, and Cheney was technically President for a few hours, and he used the power to secretly invade every country, for Oils?

  • El Pinche

    I thought this story was about Rush Limbaugh. That’s his nickname because he’s a fat fuck and that’s what he uses for lube when he accepts forgiveness.

  • Rush

    So animals now have health insurance?

  • JMP

    [re=308264]El Pinche[/re]: And he’s a crack (OK, Oxy) whore and compulsive leg-humper with bowels so irritable it kept him out of ‘Nam. Hmm… has anyone ever seen Rush and Butterstick at the same time? But then, the ‘stick is so much more intelligent.

  • Bypartizoa

    Evidently this panda is a Republican.

  • freakishlystrong

    Fuck the tags! “Homeless” though?

  • HoboNutz

    Why do pandas get better health care than me?

  • WadISay

    Everything so far looks very good…

    …considering you’re looking up a panda’s asshole. If I reach this point in my career development, kill me.

  • TGY

    Many scientific investigations involve an anal probe, albeit perhaps peripherally. There’s some law or other, possibly Sturgeon’s. Or Cartman’s.

  • El Pinche

    i can’t stand pandas.
    overrated, stupid, and boring (black and white , oooooh, exciting!). FUCK PANDAS.

  • TGY

    Also, I ain’t watchin that video. I feel I can do without the Panda Butt Probe experience, thanks. I have an imagination, after all.

  • Cape Clod

    So the Chinese raccoon on steroids got a colonoscopy. Big deal. Call me when they do the rhinos, that’s got to be a more interesting procedure.

  • Tron Stuart Mill

    Has the estate of Marlon Brando been notified of this copyright infringement?

  • Mild Midwesterner

    It’s like the Washingtonienne all over again! Why is Wonkette so obsessed with Asians who take it in the ass?

  • snideinplainsight

    OK but on the plus side, which video is likely to be better – her craziness Grand Moff Bachmann with her speechifyin’ and godderdammurung gesticulatin’, or being up a panda’s a** for a little bit?

  • JadedDIssonance

    [re=308279]El Pinche[/re]: ‘Ey now, this ain’t “pandas,” this is BUTTERSTICK! Respect Teh Butterstick!

  • GIJoeIce

    Woah, Jesus Christ!

  • Come here a minute

    [re=308279]El Pinche[/re]: Fucking a mule is one thing, but fucking pandas is just distasteful.

    ”Welcome to domestic life in China… If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates and it’s black and white, you might in fact have sex with it.”

  • x111e7thst

    Off subject. I understand that the ghey mafia is releasing topless pix of Carrie Prejean. Someone should look into this outrage.

  • ALIVE!

    Nice ad for Phillips Colon Health today….

    [re=308288]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Comment o’ day.

  • Larry Fine

    After the procedure, the Panda asked Katie Couric for marriage.

  • prophet1195

    Butterstick Rove loves to watch this video. It brings a satisfied smirk to his lips.

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=308286]Tron Stuart Mill[/re]: They made an offer he couldn’t refuse.

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=308288]Mild Midwesterner[/re]:
    It’s that damn yellow fever. You gots the yellow fever, dude!

  • hoosiermama

    ugh — I thought the panda cam would be cuter.

  • jbd

    Good god they grow up fast. Hell, I remember back when he was a wee lad: I was just acquiring my blackout-on-scotch habit, employed, and studying for the GRE. Two out of three were mistakes, but I’ll leave it to the imagination which.

  • freakishlystrong

    Wait, so they stuck a stick of butter up Buttertick’s butt? What?

  • Custerwolf

    Mom, can I have please a panda bear like Butterstick for my next birthday?

  • snideinplainsight

    How is this for Science, by the way?

  • LittlePig

    [re=308324]snideinplainsight[/re]: I think it’s the “Where No Man Has Gone Before” part.

    At least assuming Butterstick hasn’t met Mr. Horsely.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Today’s technology is amazing — it allows a simple veterinarian in DC to travel to the deepest nether regions of China in a heartbeat.
    Oh, you know what’s probably blocking Tai Shan’s colon is a few billion in T-bills. The Chinese are running out of places to store that stuff.

  • randomsausage

    [re=308279]El Pinche[/re]: I’m with you bro, Pandas sold out years ago. Fuckin’ bamboo-eatin’ part-time bears. I hear they shit in their burrows. Dirty fucks.

  • proudgrampa

    Damn. Is this story really necessary?

  • FastMovingCloud

    [re=308329]LittlePig[/re]: Mr. Horsley never met an animal he didn’t like. Of course, that’s before he found God.

  • FastMovingCloud

    Hey, what happened to my Avitar?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=308274]HoboNutz[/re]: Why do pandas get better health care than me?

    That’s easy. Would people pay $12/head to watch you loaf around in a carefully prepared pseudo-natural habit? I think not.

  • FastMovingCloud

    [re=308352]FastMovingCloud[/re]: oh, there it is. Never mind.

  • S.Luggo
  • S.Luggo

    [re=308274]HoboNutz[/re]: For the same reason John Cornyn always gets better health care than you. It’s called being a government employee, you socialist hippie girlie whiner.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Technician is bored. Watching “Mars: The Red Planet” on TV during the procedure.

  • TeddyS

    Neal would never take advantage of Butterstick or any other Panda that has been drugged. Mutual consent is what makes aminal secks so sweet and lovely. Some cats, however, need downers prior to intimacy because of their claws. At his favorite trout stream, our candidate uses a strict catch, fuck and release policy.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=308274]HoboNutz[/re]: Because they taste better than you do!

  • facehead

    How dare you use Rod Stewart’s name in vain!

  • Vulpes82

    No Lemmiwinks? He must have passed the Raven King’s test.

  • PsycGirl

    [re=308349]FastMovingCloud[/re]: Mr. Horsley never met an animal he didn’t like. Of course, that’s before he found God.
    And God made all those animals just for Mr. Horsely’s pleasure, so the “finding God” was sort of like a thank-you note. It all comes together.

    Shouldn’t he be named Mr. Muley?

  • Guppy06

    Sodomy and pandas on Wonkette at once, at the same time? I think this is Wonkette’s version of turning on the Large Hadron Collider.

    I’m going to go hide in my bomb shelter now.

  • brown_recluse

    I think it’s really sweet that you refer to Butterstick’s ass as ‘hindquarters.’

  • El Pinche

    [re=308347]randomsausage[/re]: THATS RIGHT.


  • EggplantParm

    All hail the triumphant return of teh Butterstick…takin it up the ass. Sigh, sometimes I miss the Wonkette of yesteryear. Now just hold on ban-hammer wielder I wouldn’t want to go back but sometimes I just… miss them. Lost innocence and whatnot.

  • PrairiePossum

    Proof that a diet high in vegetarian bamboo isn’t good for you. He should have stuck with beer and pizza.

  • JadedDIssonance

    Butterstick got Butterstuck.

  • Gopherit

    [re=308348]proudgrampa[/re]: New here? Wonkette was built on pandas and assfucking.

  • Gopherit

    [re=308556]Guppy06[/re]: If Jessica Cutler were the colonoscopy tech, we woulda had a trifecta.

  • El Pinche

    We built this city on pandas and assfucking.

  • NunnaTheSOBs

    It was a typo! When I asked for a peek of “bear” ass on an
    upcoming post, I meant BARE ass !!!!