Congress To Censor Old Man Penis Ads, Maybe

  important legislation

This is a Good Bill, in Congress, this “Families for ED Advertising Decency Act.” It “would force advertisements for products like Cialis and Viagra to only broadcast between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m.” Yes, do that. Every other commercial these days is some pharmaceutical company showing a couple of Olds dancing in their vegetable garden or whatever, the message being, “THIS’LL GET YER DICK UP GOOD.” Vulgar. VULGAR. Also please ban… all other commercials, or at least the ones with “Baby Got Back” in them. Yeah. Uhhh… after the jump, a video of Bob Dole falling off a stage!

This is the sort of comedy you find when you google “viagra bob dole.”

[The Hill]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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104 comments

  1. RoscoePColtraine

    Well it’s about fucking time. Everyone knows these ads are aimed at the young guys who are into taking drugs.

  2. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    If God wanted old men to have sex, he wouldn’t make their penises fall off.

  3. Woodwards Friend

    Cialis is an impressive drug. I mean if it lets you have sex with a lady while she sits in one cast iron bathtub and you sit in another then it must make your dick super hard.

  4. Scarab

    That fall was kinda my fault. I thought he was handing me a pen for an autograph. Sorry.

  5. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Does the bill also cover commercials where mothers and daughters talk about their filthy vaginas? Because that’s 100% associated with my own ED, not that I ever have that problem. *coughs*

  6. tonytonytony

    I just want them to ban the outdoor bathtubs. That is clearly false advertising. Even if old people could drag their tubs all the way out there, I can’t imagine them crawling over to fuck in the middle of their bath.

  7. V572625694

    They’re in separate bathtubs, fer Jeebus sake. Now if the guy was straddling the woman in the other tub, his Viagra-engorged dick in her mouth, and her dentures sitting next to the tub, that’d be offensive.

    Or not.

  8. bitchincamaro

    Network newscasts will never be the same. Come to think of it, ban them, too.

  9. RoscoePColtraine

    Old dudes don’t really need all that blood rushing to one spot, do they? Think about it.

  10. ph7

    Too late – my 13 year old son keeps asking me to drive him to the hospital because his erection lasted the entire school day.

  11. V572625694

    [re=307546]bitchincamaro[/re]: Really. Since Dan Rather “retired,” you don’t get any barnyard similes in yer news anymore. “This election had more shocks than a Texas prison!”

  12. Scarab

    Also, I’m pretty sure Rick Santorum was the ‘Meet Bob…’ guy from the Enzyte commercials.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    CNN and other 24hr newz-nets will freak out. Since the subprime mortgage loan commercials petered out, all they have left is dick pills. It’s going to mean more of those fucking annoying eHarmony commercials.

  14. bitchincamaro

    [re=307542]tonytonytony[/re]: “false advertising”: another one for the Department of Redundancy Department.

  15. Rush

    I like those sex commercials when a guy who’s balls have a combined age of 120 is trying to score.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    [re=307532]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: No, that’s just the ad with all the men jumping up and down excitedly to the tune of Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” The other ones are for straight people, disregarding that warning about doing amyl nitrate in gay discos.

  17. RoscoePColtraine

    I was at this party once, and we ended up needing to call an ambulance ’cause apparently viagra and poppers don’t mix! OK, it wasn’t at a party, it was a bath house. But anyways, the drugs are dangerous.

  18. Bruno

    It’s usually after a really a hard x-tacy night out that around 5:45am I need to be reminded that Viagra will help me finish my business. So the 6am banning is acceptable. Or, viagra just needs just bundle post-it notes that I can put on the lamp next to my bed to remind me.

  19. Custerwolf

    I’d like to censor the hard-on these goddamned Family Focus groups have for censoring anything that might get one the least bit hard or slippery.

  20. KTHXBAI

    I have no idea why they’re freaking out over the airtimes. You can never tell they’re advertising a pill for ED anyways. I can’t tell if they’re selling Kohler faucets or timeshares in Boca.

    Unrelated but can someone please sponsor a bill that allows for the public execution of the Burger King on national television with a rider requiring Aaron Schock to not wear pants while in the Capitol?

  21. Yes You Can Own A Piece of History

    Yes please ban the cialis ad until after I go to bed. One of the guys looks like my friend’s husband and it creeps me out.

  22. FMA

    I’m not saying this has anything to do with it, but it is a coincidence that this appears the same day as Michele Bachmann talking about blowing, or wads, or something like that.

  23. JMP

    Yay censorship; next we’ll have the banning of herpes treatment (no more walking along the beach for you!), period relief & birth control pills. Because Jesus cries if children learn that people sometimes have medical problems with their manparts or ladybits, or that they’re useful for anything but going wee-wee.

  24. Custerwolf

    [re=307556]Scarab[/re]: Bob was the GUY’S name? I thought it was his wife’s nickname.

  25. Advocatus_Diaboli

    I didn’t realize Bob Dole was such a prophet. That was no fall, that was an interpretive dance of Bob Dole’s vision of the Republicanz party 13 years into the future.

  26. JMP

    [re=307562]SayItWithWookies[/re]: There’s others – like the one with the old men in a remote cabin, happily butchering Elvis as they praise Viagra, which you just know ends in an old, gay orgy.

  27. Custerwolf

    “If you’re boner lasts more than 4 hours- get more ladies.”
    (according to Dewy Cox’s bandmate)

  28. mamandesfilles

    What is the deal with the tubs? One tub, I get. A jacuzzi, I get. Two tubs on a platform at the beach makes no fucking sense on any level.

  29. Bruno

    [re=307532]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Well it’s about fucking time. Everyone knows these ads are aimed at the young guys who are into taking drugs.”

    There’s nothing like thinking about Bob Dole’s snatch that gets me really really off.

  30. 102415

    As an old lady I totally don’t want to have sex with some nasty old man jazzed up on the TV drugs. I had to do that when I was young and needed the cash. Now I just want a nice blind 20 year old.I’m happy to blind any one who’s interested. Come on! It’ll be fun.Look for my ad on Craig’s list.

  31. Custerwolf

    [re=307579]mamandesfilles[/re]: Things haven’t changed much with the FCC since the days of Samantha and Darren sleeping in separate bunks.

  32. Custerwolf

    [re=307580]earnestcivilservant[/re]: I was more impressed by his ability to go down.

  33. Custerwolf

    [re=307548]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: As a woman I’ve been thinking about that since puberty and I couldn’t agree with you more.

  34. Bruno

    Bob Dole is a traitor to the Republican Party. How dare he want to get hard, possibly with a woman, possibly immediately after the 5pm seniors dinner special in Tampa

  35. CollegeStudent

    [re=307557]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Maybe they should just save money by rolling them all into one. E-Viagrawide- One pill that gives you girlfriend, a boner and a house within which you can do something about it.

  36. PrairiePossum

    While we’re at it, can we ban the KY jelly ads? I don’t want some old hag on my teevee complaining about her cold, dry twat.

  37. Arthur B. Ablabab

    How bout you knock your TV onto your kid’s head, never buy a new one, and wake up and live the life you’ve chosen?

  38. Not_So_Much

    [re=307579]mamandesfilles[/re]: Teh drugez help them to masturbate in their individual tubs. Underwater. So they don’t break a hip slamming into each other. Also.

  39. 2goats

    Wait! It is only through this kind of edumacational TVs that I learned throwin’ a football through a tire swing makes younger women hot & wet. Now, I’m supposed to cut down my swing and deflate my football to appease the G.D. ‘merican Taliban?

  40. Texan Bulldoggette

    Between 10 p.m. & 6 a.m.? They’re missing their demos viewing hours. Just let them fill ad time during Murder She Wrote, Golden Girls & Matlock because no one under the age of 60 watches that shit anyway.

  41. freakishlystrong

    Can we ban douche ads? That way, we’ll never have to sit through another hysterical, smelling salts, BE AFRAID! GOP ad…

  42. SayItWithWookies

    [re=307579]mamandesfilles[/re]: It’s Victorian imagery. We don’t want to imagine old people getting it on, because we project our parents into that scenario — so instead advertisers substitute nuzzling and the implied-nudity-but-standoffish-contact as a euphemism. It’s like taking a sex-ed course but with all the naugty bits replaced by the lyrics to “Oh What a Night” by the Bay City Rollers — informationally useless, but you feel like something’s been implied.

    Also the bathtub couple is always looking off at a sunset — because at their age, sex always makes them think of death. The man keeps hoping to die in the act, and the woman keeps hoping it’ll be soon and that she’s on top.

  43. snideinplainsight

    Who is this guy ED everyone keeps talking about? Can’t he just go to a doctor and get it taken care of, whatever it is that’s his problem?

  44. MarSF

    Big Pharma would have so much more cash to spend on R & D if they stopped their shitty advertising. I remember the good times, back when I was about 7, when the only time I saw this shit was when I was thumbing through my dad’s American Medical Association journals looking for gross-out pictures. Didn’t this advertising start when Clinton was in office? I blame Mark Penn.

    If Janet Jackson’s shriveled nipple is obscene, then so is being forced to think about crusty old farts getting boners. If America wasn’t so fat and unhealthy they wouldn’t need pills for that, but that’s another topic.

  45. FMA

    [re=307600]Bruno[/re]: Bob gets a pass on this one. I mean, Jesus, have you seen Elizabeth Dole? It would take a lethal dose of Viagra to get it up in her presence.

  46. slithytoves

    They should air the ads between 4 and 5 am. This would be a win all around. The Olds go to bed after dinner at 5:00pm and get up at the crack of dawn, as my phone record showing my mother calling me at 7:00am on Saturday will testify.

  47. Custerwolf

    You guys will have to explain this one to me. You want to fuck, but can’t get your dick hard? So don’t you really want to want to fuck?

  48. SPlaTz

    Me thinks they are in the tubs cause the old dude bruised his schwantz doing the drug induced nasty for 10 hours straight. His old soldier, so big and tender, he gotta soaks it in ice.

  49. Kev-O-Tron

    I have more of a problem with penis malfunction than dysfunction. I think it might have a bad starter.

  50. Dave J.

    [re=307642]Custerwolf[/re]: All I know I want to shoot myself if I ever turn into one of these older folks who talks about how much less they’re getting, but then says “as you get older, other stuff becomes more important,” and then you realize they’re talking about, like, napping, or doing a crossword puzzle, or something. Gah.

  51. Dave J.

    Also, re. Bob Dole falling: holy shit, nobody even tried to catch the dude, he just flat out fell on his face. That should be the litmus test for whether or not you’re going to win an election. If your own partisan crowd runs like hell when you fall off the stage, you will lose.

  52. ManchuCandidate

    [re=307642]Custerwolf[/re]:
    Apparently, it’s a matter of the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

    Also, the peen depends heavily on cardiovascular health. Clogged arteries => soft peen.

  53. JMP

    [re=307648]Custerwolf[/re]: Unfortunately, the men who would know this from personal experience are all too old to know how to read Wonkette on the E-mail machine.

  54. SayItWithWookies

    [re=307648]Custerwolf[/re]: If it was too hard to talk about, they wouldn’t need the Viagra.

  55. Min

    Also please ban… all other commercials, or at least the ones with “Baby Got Back” in them.

    I second the motion and call the question.

  56. Crapola

    [re=307649]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: You could always just hit it with a hammer like I had to do with the starter in my first car. On second thought, nevermind.

  57. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=307632]MarSF[/re]: Madison Avenue really had a challenge here. Market a “boner pill” for old guys who want to talk about having sex (a la “Cocoon”) without giving the rest of us viewers a case of the dry heaves. And it needs to be really clear that this is about old guys fucking old chicks. And it needs to be unoffensive.

  58. Cy_Guy

    @MarSF

    I’d like to the ban expanded to ALL prescription drugs – they simply should not be advertised directly to consumers. However a ban probably wouldn’t pass First Amendment muster, so instead simply require that every word of FDA mandated warning labels must be spoken during any ad for any any FDA approved prescription drug. And don’t allow that exception that that warnings are only needed when the intended effect of the drug is mentions (which resulted in all those ads of bunny rabbits hopping in fields to advertise heart medicine, or whatever).

    This would clearly be a legal restriction, but it would also have the effect of taking the ads off the air since the disclaimers would take too long to read, and often would scare off potential customers. Dropping TV ads would stop the drug companies from wasting our health care dollars on advertising.

  59. risqueclay

    They give Viagra to the old guys in nursing homes so they won’t roll out of bed at night.

  60. LittlePig

    Old Man Penis,
    That Old Man Penis,
    He’s tired of standin’
    But feared of lyin’
    That Old Man Penis,
    It Just Keeps Droopin Along…

  61. LittlePig

    [re=307642]Custerwolf[/re]: High blood pressure meds have unfortunate side-effects, dear.

    And, as noted above, there are lots of crease grease ads out there, too.

  62. badmuthagoose

    God I hate those commercials. Especially the smarmy look on the face of the 50-something woman who has clearly had too much Botox, growling about how her man can satisfy her now.

    Good for you, weirdo. Do I need to know that? Hell no. Shut up.

    I especially hate the new ones for pills that I guess help the guy get it up any time he wants. The oldies are about to do it when their gotdamned kids and grandkids show up. Yeah, that would piss me off, too, but seriously, I don’t need to know.

  63. Custerwolf

    [re=307653]Dave J.[/re]: [re=307661]ManchuCandidate[/re]: [re=307682]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=307784]LittlePig[/re]: I see. Well, let me just say that I completely sympathize with the Viagra-popping dudes who have to wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

  64. SayItWithWookies

    [re=307814]Custerwolf[/re]: Yeah, that’s sorta like going to Disneyworld.

  65. lawrenceofthedesert

    These ads serve a viable function. The drugs allow old guys to get it on with women their own age, thus cutting down on the number showing up at nightclubs to harrass youngsters. You have to think about the ramifications of such things — Prep H, for example. It allows Republican pol’s to look more svelte.

  66. Bruno

    [re=307723]Cy_Guy[/re]: Maybe someone can advertise a suicide drug so we can get this whole murder-suicide thing overwith? I mean if you want to off yourself, OK, but leave your family and co-workers out of the whole thing.

  67. Scandinavian Fetus

    Good. If they advertise between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m., I won’t see them either.

    They are like watching Mr. Burn’s porn.

  68. DustBowlBlues

    Married couples featured on the ads that are making googly eyes at each and playing other Harlequin romance novel moves that don’t exist in the real world, let alone between married couples. You’re married, if you want to go fuck each other, do. Why else get married?

    And no woman I know over the age of 50 wants some old guy with a giant boner chasing her around the house. If you can’t get it up, there’s a reason. I put out when I was young. I had kids. I’m done. Get it, dipshit?

    As someone who lives in rural OK and is retired, I can honestly say that the only reason to have a husband is to help you check for ticks. Other than that and their pension check, they’re pretty useless.

  69. WABishop

    [re=307642]Custerwolf[/re]: Imagine, if you would, being horny but unable to open your vag.

  70. WABishop

    I never got the Cialis ad. Two people, supposedly a couple, in separate tubs, looking straight ahead. The tubs have no plumbing attached. Subtle or just inane?

  71. DustBowlBlues

    [re=307958]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Reading this comment again, I am very glad this is “my” wonkette, not the old fart’s wonkette.

  72. jasper f. krone

    At least the Charmin ads show ACTUAL cartoon bears ACTUALLY wiping themselves with ACTUAL toilet paper. The only thing worse than dick pill ads are those ads that suppose that urine and menstrual blood are actually both thin blue liquids. Okay, well urine, maybe…

  73. Custerwolf

    [re=307996]WABishop[/re]: Now, for me, THAT is the best way someone could have illustrated this problem. Thank you.

  74. sanantonerose

    [re=307772]risqueclay[/re]: Actually, they DO give old men Viagra in the old folks home. But it’s for circulation reasons, not because they want to activate the kickstand.

  75. sanantonerose

    [re=307996]WABishop[/re]: No problem. That’s what my clit is for. Or that spot on the backside of my vag which can be easily reached via anus. Finally, something I can be thankful for as a woman!

  76. Mr Blifil

    What’s cool is that as soon as Dole stood back up again, he had an erection for the next four hours.

  77. WABishop

    [re=308035]sanantonerose[/re]: Ok, imagine, if you would, being horny but unable to remove the thick, padded, canvas coveralls you’re wearing.

  78. Custerwolf

    I was propositioned by a 50 year old man back when I was only 11 – if Viagra encourages these dudes to mingle a little closer to their own age group I’m all for it.

  79. Custerwolf

    [re=308035]sanantonerose[/re]: My well-endowed boyfriend and I find a K-Y laden shoehorn usually does the trick for us.

  80. getoffmylawn

    The war on drugs shall prevail. Do it the old fashioned way: http://www.vacurect.com
    That and a picture of Phyllis Diller in a thong will do it….or maybe a foursome with the Lennon Sisters

  81. Mr. Spanky

    Damn it!

    Why doesn’t that bill include bans on those ads for drugs that make you pee better!?

    Every time I see an ad for Avodart or Flomax, I run to the head and measure the length and PSI of my weakening stream.

  82. Alpha O. Mega

    Why is there a John McCain ad next to this story? Is it because ED is something we associate with non-winning GOP candidates for President?

  83. smashtheduck

    My favorite is the ad for Flow Max. No woman would EVER take a pill named “Flow Max”. Please ban this immediately.

  84. MarSF

    If Focus On The Family doesn’t get behind this legislation it just proves that Dobson can’t quit that weekend Viagra/Meth/Male Hooker habit.

  85. FlipOffResearch

    The only good thing about boner pill ads, from a male perspective, is that they get even with women for years of those gross tampon ads. If there were truth in advertising, the codger would leer at his wife and announce he ate a blue pill twenty minutes ago, as she once again weigh the pros and cons of suicide. Or … hubby’s running around the house yelling “God damn it, have you seen my daily Cialis, it’s missing again.” Which is all better than seeing a mother and daughter seated at a table with flowers on it (god, when you see that you just know a tampon ad is coming) and the daughter says “Have you ever had … a two pad day?” Ban them! Ban them all! If it is something that you have to cover with underpants, I don’t want to see an ad for it.

  86. Custerwolf

    I’m thinking of starting a website based on the concept of an Internet Coffeehouse. That way you could be say sitting in a tub next to your wife who is also sitting in a tub perched atop a hill overlooking a sunlit valley, and you could go online and just pop in to do some light chatting with interesting people for however long it takes a dick to get hard. I just think it would encourage a more productive and creative use of people’s time. Plus it would stimulate – um, ideas.

  87. Custerwolf

    [re=308009]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Have you ever been “making love” to your man when all of a sudden the utter ridculousness of the whole situation – of having this person who sits across the kitchen table from you day in and day out hump away at you like he doesn’t know you from Adam, or in this case (we hope), Eve – just suddenly hits you from out of the blue and causes you to burst out laughing right there in the thick of things?

    Yeah, me neither.

  88. lulzmonger

    Gosh I miss having an idiot-box right now. NOT.

    Yeah, I’m sure the networks are just IN LOVE with the idea of all that sweet sweet drug-cash sprouting wings & migrating away. Heck, what’s a few tens of millions between friends? 2200-0600 is the infomercial ghetto – not exactly Fat City for TeeVee networks. Sorry, ladies & germs: I suspect Congress will remember who runs their campaign ads (& who comments on their wacky hijinx between elections) & act accordingly.

    (Insert Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand making “The Shocker” gesture here)

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