About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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136 comments

  1. V572625694

    Shackles! Chains! An orgy! Sweet bleeding Jeebus, can they say it more clearly?

  2. Cicada

    Bachmann is crying class war during a massive recession. She’s so in touch with the zeitgeist.

  3. RoscoePColtraine

    You don’t have to do anything to make it funny. Just sit back and enjoy.

  4. arewethereyet

    i love you bachman…the gift that keeps on giving. now excuse me while i clean off my monitor of ice tea!!!!

  5. Mad Farmer Manifest

    /Rubs forehead, sighs, and tries not to yell at retarded child from Minnesota

  6. Lorax

    Stimulus, spackage, orgy, wad-spending…pretty much par for the first 100 days of our Democratic administration. Gahd bless us each and every one.

  7. Cicada

    [re=307449]rambone[/re]: The money shot is Bachmann railing against taxing the wealthy as “evil”. I’m sure the ghost of Milton Friedman blew a load watching that.

  8. kthxbai...also

    bukake is actually quite a standard way to talk about budget issues, fyi Jim.

  9. SmutBoffin

    Poor Michele. So many words in her head, so little ability to put them together into coherent, syntactic sentences.

    Did I say “Poor Michele”? I meant “I hope your functionally-retarded azz gets recalled soon.”

  10. AliBabaInBA

    She certainly has a propensity to jut that right hand out.
    I find it disturbing but, then, she’s not performing for me.

  11. RoscoePColtraine

    It wasn’t that long ago when the Conservatives couldn’t stomach the idea of a woman president. Now they’re holding signs Palin/Bachmann 2012??? What. The. Fuck.
    Do they not get it by now that every goddam time they open their mouth and speak ‘truth to retards’ we libruls get a whole shitload of new material to scoff at.

    She said ‘impovering’ also.

  12. Scarab

    “Teabagging?” “Orgy?” “Wad?”
    The GOP is repositioning itself as the wild sex party. It’s brilliant!

  13. SnarkNotFark

    Why is Michele Bachmann in a one-woman production of Beckett’s “Play.” Beckett gets very testy about his stage notes being followed and it specifically says three people are to be in urns up to their necks.

  14. nobar

    I’m from MN and this just sickens me. The republican party has turned into the extremists they hate so much and really just gone fucking nuts.

    Not to mention the salute to the third reich she does at 0:36.

  15. TwinPeaks

    Did Michele do a little Heil Hitler salute during her rant? I think she is definitely giving coded signals to her base.

  16. randem

    “…when Arlen Specter decided he was going to make a decision…”

    Rhetoric you can believe in!

  17. snideinplainsight

    Who is funnier – Steele or Bachman? I just can’t tell.

    I just sit all day, at my mirror-topped desk, my fingers shaped into a little tent in front of my face, for contemplation, and the short-skirted asian woman standing behind my shoulder says “What are you thinking about all day, with that big brain of yours?” And I tell her, “Who is funnier – Steele or Bachman? I just can’t tell.”

  18. Dave J.

    [re=307482]TwinPeaks[/re]: Seriously, that looked too-textbook-to-be-accidental to me.

  19. Gun-toting Progressive

    Too… much… comedy… potential… I did notice that she caught herself doing the Heil Hitler salute too much at the start and resorted to random arm windmilling.

  20. ManchuCandidate

    As someone in an earlier Bachmann rant mentioned, with her new hair cut she does look a lot like MTM. Updated from an earlier post…

    Who can pile the crazy on with her rants?
    Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem insane?
    Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
    With each rant and every W french kiss you show it

    Insanity all around, no need to save it
    Always off to Crazy town, we know you don’t fake it
    You’re gonna make it after all
    You’re gonna make it after all

    How will you make it on your own?
    This world is awfully sane, girl this time you’re all alone
    But it’s time you started ranting
    Yeah girl, you know to do some crazy talking

    Insanity all around, no need to save it
    Always off to Crazy town, we know you don’t fake it
    You’re gonna make it after all
    You’re gonna make it after all

  21. bitchincamaro

    Setting a record for the most vetoes ever; what the fuck kind of leadership qualities do you need for that? Pawlenty is a stool sample.

  22. proudgrampa

    [re=307482]TwinPeaks[/re]: Yes, she really did! OMG, I thought she was going to start screaming, “Seig, Heil!”

    I laughed til I cried…

  23. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=307463]SmutBoffin[/re]: Notes on index cards? Tellyprompters? Hell, a device in your ear so someone can feed you your shit?

  24. SayItWithWookies

    The surreality of Michele Bachmann peeping out from behind that giant lectern, backed by a Big American Flag, and screeching that the Founding Fathers meant for us all to be unified and not pitted against one another — these same folks who gave us the 3/5 compromise and the electoral college — is just your normal level of conservative derangement. What’s amazing is that she manages to come out with crap like this every single day.
    There must be a certain logical consistency to the mind that perceives funding for day care as a Big Brother intrusion while warrantless wiretapping is fighting foreigners — but damned if I’m going in there to look for it.

  25. user-of-owls

    [re=307484]randem[/re]: “There’s no teleprompter up here! The utter lack of coherence and sanity is all me!!”

  26. user-of-owls

    [re=307494]bitchincamaro[/re]: Pawlenty is a stool sample.

    That’s not fecal transcendence!

  27. Gob

    “part of the genius of our country was uniting us, not pitting one economic sector against another”

    Have you read the Federalist 10? You don’t even have to read them all, just that one. The genius of our country was pitting one economic sector against another. Madison explicitly says so.

    Also, Palin-Bachman 2012 would be brilliant.

  28. Scarab

    The guy carrying the ‘Palin/Bachmann 2012′ sign underscores the fact that by 2012, one quarter of their current political base will be either be dead or in assisted living.

  29. Giant Robot

    where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the crazy spreads faster than the swine flu…

  30. Custerwolf

    [re=307492]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: hahahahahhahahahahhahahaha……!!!!!!Thanks. I need that.

  31. RoscoePColtraine

    (Spoken in the same voice used to talk to your puppy when she’s being adorable):

    Who’s my crazy girl? Who’s my crazy girl? Awww, that’s right. Who’s my crazy girl?

  32. Hebrewzzi

    I really hope someone got a still shot of her “Seig Heil” at 00:36…it will come in handy for her re-election campaign. I would say that, no George Bush was the greatest divider in US history, but I think in the end we were all united in our hatred for him. But with a 70% approval rating, I think a 70/30 divide isn’t so bad…I say to hell with the other 30% ;-)

  33. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    I’m not really looking forward to Michell Bachmann’s inevitable appearance on Fleshbot.

  34. Hebrewzzi

    *I meant a 70% approval rating for President Obama, btw. Just in case there was confusion…

  35. Custerwolf

    Why didn’t the camera pan the audience? I wanted to see how a crowd of five or six people could manage to make all that racket.
    Bachmann- chest twat this cuntry kneads.

  36. SnarkNotFark

    “AL FRANKEN IS A FART HUFFING FREAK”
    Pro or con or a subtle dig at Arianna Huffington/inhalant abuse?

  37. pat robertsons personal trainer

    (1) greatest uniter = greatest divider? did she give this speech in 2002?

    (2) she really likes doing the “heil Bachmann” with her right hand (notice, no teleprompter here). unf., if she had one it could read “Stop saluting the Nazis in the crowd.”

  38. Scarab

    [re=307520]SnarkNotFark[/re]:

    AL FRANKEN IS A FART HUFFING FREAK

    Not really Lincoln/Douglas level discourse is it?

  39. Bruno

    No Teleprompter but she’s using a PodIUm and MIcrOpHonE!!!11!!

    No log cabin republican needs that shit

  40. NegativeZero

    Al Franken is a fart huffing freak? Americans are the prostitutes for the government pimp?

    That had to be one of us out there trolling, right?

  41. One Yield Regular

    [re=307482]TwinPeaks[/re]: She did indeed. One of you people with computer skilz beyond my own (i.e. ability to type into a comments box) should put that Seig Heil salute on an endless video loop.

  42. V572625694

    [re=307513]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Sieg Heil! Seig Heil! Es war immer eine Hohlung!

    Nicely captured. I hope our Wonkette overlords use that image for all subsequent Bachmann stories…and there will be many.

  43. Bruno

    This ad serving software is awesome. Looking above, I see numerous references to shooting loads/wads, stimululs, orgies etc. What ad do I get?

    filipinaheart.com: find your filipina beauty today.

  44. x111e7thst

    [re=307482]TwinPeaks[/re]: If you watch her lips carefully they are forming:

    Die Fahne hoch! Die Reihen fest geschlossen!
    SA marschiert mit mutig-festem Schritt. (or ruhig-festem I can’t tell)
    Kam’raden, die Rotfront und Reaktion erschossen,
    Marschier’n im Geist in uns’ren Reihen mit.

  45. Woodwards Friend

    [re=307523]DanRad[/re]: She does it a couple times actually. Poor gal is like the reincarnation of Unity Mitford and just can’t help herself. Hopefully Bachman will unsuccessfully shoot herself in the head like Unity.

  46. AxmxZ

    [re=307485]snideinplainsight[/re]: Steele isn’t the same level of batshit. I actually kind of like him. He said he remodeled his RNC office, because it was “way too male” for him.

  47. engulfedinflames

    every right-thinking american (right-thinking, get it? get it? it’s a joke!) must call michelles’ office (202)224-3121, and complain about her filthy talk. try to use the terms smegma, sperm, sputum, and man juice as often as possible. thank you for you anticipated support.

  48. Hooray For Anything

    That speech reminded me of “the Office” episode where Dwight had to give a speech to some Dundler Mifflin sales people and Jim tricked him into doing one of Mussolini speeches with appropriate hand gestures. I think somebody tricked Bachmann into doing the same thing.

  49. Egregious

    I.am.at.a.loss. How does she do it every week, without fail?

    ‘cuse me whilst I reload my wad.

  50. wonderboom

    No TelEprompterZ for the illiterate? Makes sense, I s’pose…

    Also: Didn’t Michael Jackson promise, “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” about 10 yrs ago? Then he gave “Jesus juice” to little boyz? And now the GOP is trying for a “face lift?” Holy shit! Michelle Bachmann is Michael Jackson!

  51. DC Hates Me

    The editing reminded me of the dueling banjos from Deliverance, building up to a frenzy of inbreeding.

  52. A Harlequin Bromance

    After the election there was a notable lack of hilarity, then Michelle Bachmann decided to start doing stand-up comedy. At first I found way too much pleasure in her witty banter (because who is really that crazy, right?). But now, I realize my mistake, she is absolutely fucking hilarious because she really means it. Where can I contribute to the campaign to re-elect Bachmann?

    I think at this point I’m just waiting to find out she grew up on a farm in rural Georgia.

  53. TwinPeaks

    [re=307513]Woodwards Friend[/re]: That is it the money shot. The revolution has begun and she is the glorious leader.

  54. A Harlequin Bromance

    She never said that being part of an orgy was wrong, or that she wasn’t part of it. Just saying.

  55. onefingersnapping

    Right after the “teleprompter” line she looks down at her NOTE CARDS. She is good.

  56. Rascalcat

    Congratulations Rep Bachmann! You have just surpassed Gov Palin on my list of GOP women I would like to give a hate-facial to. That really took some work.

  57. Come here a minute

    “The government spent its wad” and now Michele Bachman is stuck sleeping in the wet spot.

  58. facehead

    She was later heard saying “I’m going to keep teabagging every Democrat until my lips turn blue!”

  59. dijetlo

    Republicans head for splooge like a pigs to truffles…on a related note, if she wasn’t eating a mayonnaise sandwich, what’s that stuff on her chin?

  60. Rascalcat

    “The government spent its wad” and now Michele Bachman is stuck sleeping in the wet spot.

    ROFL, “Come here a minute”. Thanks for making me snort coffee all over my keyboard.

  61. pat robertsons personal trainer

    [re=307576]wonderboom[/re]: and really, we hadn’t seen nothing yet when jackson made that promise. but what’s left for the republicans? they got the pedophilia and/or gayness down pat. how crazy can they get? will mitt romney bite Barack’s ear after Barack kicks his ass in the 2012 debates? slow white bronco ride with Boehner & McConnell (“what do you mean ‘mitch mc. who?’ this is mitch. dammit. you know who i am!!”)? Will Scalia & Thomas fuck each other silly on the steps of the S.C. after state gay marriage discrimination laws are struck? (seems most likely of all these.) Will Bachmann steal Palin’s youngest son (or oldest grandson) and demand the state of MN pay her like with all those other foster hostages? (maybe that’s even more likely than Scalia & thomas publicly fucking.) maybe Palin will dangle little Trapp, Trigg, Twitt, Twatt(?) off a 3rd floor balcony (tallest building in AK)? really the possibilities are endless.

  62. Bearbloke

    [re=307510]swgm[/re]: I’ve been to her district several times… it’s hard to believe such a nice-looking place has so much of teh crazys in it…

  63. LittlePig

    Gotta love it when a Bachman Jizz thread pulls up the SarahPAC ad.

    Guess the Google boys haven’t worked out that snark filter yet (aka The David Denby Memorial Filter)

  64. Joey Ratz

    [re=307638]Hooray For Anything[/re]: The cadence gets a little awkward, but it could actually work:

    I’m Representative Michele Bachmann
    My lizard eyes can never frown
    One day I’ll be President

    Obama power will soon go away
    I will be Führer one day
    I will command all of you
    Your kids will pray in school

    Minnesota!
    Über alles!
    Minnesota über alles!
    Über alles!
    Minnesota!
    Über alles Minnesota!

    I’ll leave the rest to ManchuCandidate, who’s much better at this than me.

  65. Lazy Media

    Too bad that’s such a crappy video, otherwise because her little Ave Adolph at :37 would make a hella animated gif.

  66. Prommie

    I started to ponder who would provide one with the most fulfilling and entertaining sexytime experience, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, or Katherine Harris, but its really not a question that will keep you occuppied for long. Its gotta be Kittie Harris, I mean, seriously, the rich ones, they can do the fucking so good. The other two are strivers and achievers, they spent much of their formative years being serious, even if dumb, getting elected to student counsel and entering beauty pageants and all that. But Katherine Harris didn’t have to do anything but ride her horsie through the orange groves the size of Rhode Island that her daddy owned. Yup, spent years straddling a big, strong animal.

    Plus she has those fabulous Mogambos, also.

  67. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=307519]Custerwolf[/re]: That reminds me of a favorite quote of one Lewis Carroll, “flamingoes and mustard both bite, and the moral of that is birds of a feather flock together.”

  68. FMA

    [re=307737]Prommie[/re]: As I have stated in the past, I think all three would be fun because crazy is a lot of fun right up to the moment she’s standing over you in bed holding a chef’s knife and speaking in tongues. Then, it’s not so much fun.

  69. Prommie

    [re=307745]FMA[/re]: Well of course all three would be fun. Oh, you meant one at a time, sorry. Still think la Harris would be the funnest of them all.

  70. momus

    She and the Gov are founding an astroturf organization called “Americans United Against America” the AUAA.

  71. chascates

    [re=307803]Czn939[/re]: That’s exactly what I was thinking when I saw that.

  72. chascates

    [re=307676]Bearbloke[/re]: I had to send her this:
    “Please continue to speak out on these issues as no one else will! And please consider the higher office that will be available in 2012! You and Sarah!”

    What a team they would make.

  73. chascates

    [re=307668]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I actually sent that out to Kevo but I haven’t started drinking yet so I’m a little out of shape.
    Did you get a job, Kev-o?

  74. the problem child

    I think she was trying to say something about white slavery? Am I nutz or is she?

  75. El Pinche

    [re=307668]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: oh no! please don’t tell me that. now i have to go waste more work-time to tell her how much i want to give her a “hate facial”[re=307645]*[/re] via my immigrant cock….of course, in a courteous and respectful manner.

  76. lawrenceofthedesert

    I’m sure the cause of this is some new mosquito-borne illness that CDC will soon bring under control — malaria-induced Tourette’s, or something like it. My command of medical terms may be too impovering to fully describe it. It’s also good that these victims have found one another and can offer support; I found their verbal flounderings entertaining in a Cuckoo’s Nest kind of way.

  77. El Pinche

    But seriously, I’m tired of watching Nobachmann saying God Damn America in her own unique way.
    And no, Michelle, you don’t need a teleprompter. The voices in your head are crystal clear.

  78. Czn939

    I just cannot possibly imagine the kind of person(?) who thought to themselves: “Ya know, I think voting for this person is a good idea!”

  79. Czn939

    and btw….
    NEALZ @ no.8!
    Electing Neal Horsley is better than stepping away from the Religious Right, embracing science and Sarah Palin!

  80. Scandinavian Fetus

    She reminds me of some of my less-gifted special education students.

  81. One Yield Regular

    [re=307927]Czn939[/re]: Outstanding service! I’ll recommend you highly next time I need an instant animated GIF.

  82. RightLies

    “Most devisive President ever” – personally, I think President Lincoln still holds that title.

  83. DangerousLiberal

    NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
    times 1000.

    Look, I just broke the record for most vetoes. Where’s that Guiness book? Of course, these were all vetoes of my kids’ requests to tivo Skinemax between midnight at 6 am.

  84. Mr Blifil

    Get me seven WHISKEYS before I go impover myself.

    WHOOOOHOOOOWOHOOWOWOOOOOO!!!!!!!! IMPOVERING!!!!!!!!!

    IM-PO-VER-ING!! IM-PO-VER-ING!! IM-PO-VER-ING!! IM-PO-VER-ING!!

  85. BadKitty

    Kev-o-Tron: 1- Did you hear about the job? 2 – shortsshortsshorts is aware of Bachman’s blog, right? RIGHT??

  86. pfft..nah

    That little hitler salute she does (at 0:36); can we make that the default image for anything about her?

  87. DangerousLiberal

    [re=308099]pfft..nah[/re]: Totally. I saw that too. Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Bachman.

  88. MrsNateSilver

    [re=307481]nobar[/re]: Yah, I noticed that hile Hitler shit, too. Not so subtle. Was it on purpose, do you suppose? A subliminal message? Or do you think it’s just part of her nature?

  89. Custerwolf

    [re=307738]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I shall be working on that koan for an eternal breeze of blue.

  90. lulzmonger

    *CZN39 @ 4:25 – FUKKEN SAVED*
    A++++++++, WOULD LOL AGAIN

    Adults usually have an internal editor that prevents them from sounding utterly insane on a more or less constant basis … luckily for us, hers is missing.

    Michelle Bachmann = the GG Allin of the GOP.

  91. Czn939

    [re=308168]Adolf Bachmann[/re]: I was just waiting for someone to use that name!

  92. off-white working class

    seriously nothing scarier than a woman with a minnesota accent sayin “you ain’t seen nuthin yet, baby!” sooooo scared.

Comments are closed.