television is not your friend

Falling TVs Are This Week’s Swine Flu

Kill her television.OK so President Obama may have weathered his first hundred days, a pirate attack, the pig AIDS, and the collapse of our financial and automotive sectors, but can he stand up to the nation’s latest Great Menace? We refer, of course, to an epidemic of falling televisions.

As anyone who has lugged an old CRT television into the living room of their fourth-floor walkup can attest, those things are heavy. And they become no less heavy when you perch them on top of a high dresser and let them lurk there waiting for their next child victim.

Researchers at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, analyzed federal data on injuries. They estimate as many as 14,700 children are injured at home every year by falling TVs and other heavy furniture.

The solution is simple: shoot it. Shoot your goddamned television dead. Just like Elvis did.

Related video

Falling TVs: A Growing Threat For Young Kids [NPR]

Related

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

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75 comments

  1. bureaucrap

    Better yet, let’s turn falling TVs into a TV show: “America’s funniest smooshes”.

  2. ChernobylSoup

    God put children on earth to show us the futility of materialism. First thing my kid did after learning to crawl was open the liquor cabinet and pour a brand new bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel all over the floor. Since then it’s been lamps, vases, my truck’s paint job, and yes, a TV – all destroyed. Add to that a few attempt on the dogs’ lives and the mechanical well-being of the dishwasher and I’ve learned that a) there’s no such thing as child-proofing a house and b) keep the Jack Daniels locked in the gun safe, where it belongs (and has the added benefit of having all the ingredients for a fun night out on the town in one convenient location).

  3. Mild Midwesterner

    This wouldn’t be a problem if the fat kids wouldn’t watch so much damn TV and would go outside to play every once in a while.

  4. Guppy06

    Obviously the solution is for the government to save us from the CRT menace and buy us all flat panels.

  5. Beef Supreme

    If only Congress would have approved the $1.3 billion for television harnesses in the stimulus package…

  6. SmutBoffin

    TVs don’t kill people; gravity kills people. When will Barry and our Federal Gov’t step in to regulate the curvature of space-time?

  7. Larry McAwful

    In America, TV is on you. In Soviet Union, KGB puts you on TV! Боже мю!

  8. Bruno

    The only way to remain safe is to buy a digital viewing/mind control/CIA listening device box. This will safely tether the TV to wall and prevent any and all child injuries.

  9. Bruno

    [re=307236]SmutBoffin[/re]: Gravity? Why are you getting scientificals on us. If God intended there to be the Gravities, it would be written about in the Bibles, probably on page 7 or 9.

  10. Bruno

    [re=307242]Mustang[/re]: Growing up on the farm, a bloody piece of meat is the first girlfriend you have. It’s warm, moist and bloody. And no one should be ashamed of this, or nearly killing your children.

  11. Larry McAwful

    [re=307242]Mustang[/re]: It’s making me want steak. Seriously. I’m going to email my wife and tell her I’m going to pick up some steaks on the way home. We already have an excellent wine that will go with steak. I think I want spinach, too. I love spinach.

    That ad has never worked on me. I was a vegetarian for a few months, back in 1990, when it was still cool. Now I’m an omnivore again. I like fish more than red meat, but I still like red meat. I want steak right now. It’s 10:19 in the morning, and I want steak. That is a very persuasive ad!

  12. Larry McAwful

    [re=307246]Bruno[/re]: I killed a chicken once. Then I roasted it over an open fire, and ate it. It was the best poultry I’ve ever had. Now I understand cats better.

  13. mookworthjwilson

    If this somehow doesn’t have anything to do with Neal Horsley, I don’t want to hear about it…

  14. ph7

    Stu in my neighborhood climbed on top of the Coke machine they put at the 9th hole on the golf course, and it fell over on his head. Stu was never the same afterward. But my point is – having a coke machine fall on your head is a much better explanation for stupidty than a TV.

  15. freakishlystrong

    I’m guessing that these Teevees were all tuned to Fox News at the time…

  16. Mustang

    I’ve devised a method to actually determine the real danger quotient of certain disasters and diseases. When I hear of yet another horrible thing to worry about, I ask myself “Do I know anyone with this disease or problem?” If I do, it’s a real threat, especially if I know more than one person. If not, “Do I know anyone who knows anyone?” Then, it’s still a threat but not as big. Then, “Do I know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone?” If the anwer to that is “No”, then it’s a minimal or imaginary threat.

    In this manner I have determined that swine flu and plane crashes are not to worry, while computer viruses and cancer are real possibilities. The point is that my very own daughter required stitches from a TV falling-related accident at a friend’s house, so I believe that this thing is huge, and I’m starting a movement that will require children to wear helmets at all times.

  17. Mustang

    [re=307247]Larry McAwful[/re]: I love steak and spinach salad with a baked potato or roasted vegetables. It’s just that particular bloody meat. They photoshopped it to make it sort of purple and diseased looking and that bone in it looks really odd.

  18. Larry McAwful

    [re=307252]x111e7thst[/re]: благодарить! I knew something looked wrong…

  19. Mr Blifil

    How better to prevent the chilluns from wanting to gay marry than to drop televisions on their little developing bodies.

  20. SmutBoffin

    [re=307228]ChernobylSoup[/re]: Please tell me that this is your child, ’cause that would totally make up for spilling whiskey. . .

  21. PsycGirl

    [re=307262]Mr Blifil[/re]: Actually it’s a great advertisement for gay marriage. Gay marrieds are less likely to produce children that get TVs dropped on them. Therefore gay marriage is environmentally conscious as it results in less TV replacement and less carbon footprints of parents rushing their kids to the hospital for TV squish disorder.

  22. Custerwolf

    [re=307258]Mustang[/re]: Why do folks feel compelled to assert their love for flesh? Are you that frightened of the possibility of someone depriving you of a steak? C’mon, this is America for chrissakes, you can still kill your whole godddamn family if you feel like it.

  23. Mustang

    [re=307268]Custerwolf[/re]: Hell no. There are very few comestibles I do not like to shove down my face. If steak were gone, I’d say fine let’s move on to the next food.

  24. FMA

    [re=307245]Bruno[/re]: Gravity is just a theory. It’s God’s way of saying you had too much tequila.

  25. Custerwolf

    [re=307271]Mustang[/re]: That’s my guy/gal, you’ll survive the coming shitstorm. I’m just worried where I’ll find enough good dressing to choke down my grass salads.

  26. x111e7thst

    [re=307260]Larry McAwful[/re]: пожалуйста

    (and that’s about as far as almost forgotten college russian will take me)

  27. Roger the Shrubber

    Of course, flat screen teevees cause no damage whatsoever when they fall on people. So replace your stupid old deadly crt Now.

    I never knew Robert Goulet was such a putz.

  28. Custerwolf

    [re=307275]FMA[/re]: I thought puking was? Or maybe that’s God’s way of saying you’re pregnant and shitfaced.

  29. Custerwolf

    [re=307232]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Or if their parents didn’t set their feeding troughs right in front of the teevee.

  30. Larry McAwful

    [re=307277]x111e7thst[/re]: You’re probably better at it than me. I know six or seven words and the alphabet.

  31. The Church of Realism

    My boys, 2 and 3 and a half are like a drunken band of marauding midgets, hell-bent on carrying out their merry coup on our unsuspecting household every chance they get. They also sing the Handy Manny theme song while destroying things, which is quite ironic…

  32. Prommie

    Its not that anyone gives a shit about the cretinous trailer trash spawn who manage to pull down the TV stack on themselves and die (the working TV, of course, sits atop the non-working TV, as Foxworthy says). Its the need to appear to give a shit. If you buy a wal-mart chinese particleboard TV stand these days, you will find within the box a flimsy nylon strap and a single screw, with instructions for you to strap your TV to the wall to prevent it from toppling onto your wee bairns. Noone thinks that even an intelligent person will actually use the strap, let alone a toothless tattooed fucktard walmart shopper, but thats not the point. Its a charm, a talisman, a magical charm, which actually works, too; it wards off lawsuits brought by the John Edwards of the world on behalf of those cretinous fucktard children who suffer the fate worse than death by toppling TV, which would be paralysis by toppling TV.

    And every Coke machine these days bears the “Homer Simpson” warning, advising people not to tip it over on top of themselves, lest it cause a booboo.

  33. Johnny Zhivago

    As bizzare as it sounds, I actually believe this. I bought and put together an Ikea shelf system in my basement, rated for holding at least an aircraft carrier. One day we heard a crash, ran downstairs and the shelf was in splinters, with a Sony 27″ TV sitting 3 feet in front of it.

    No doubt our cat would have been crushed if he was watching TV – and allowed in the basement, which he isn’t.

  34. Come here a minute

    [re=307311]Prommie[/re]: I thought the Homer Simpson warning was because they didn’t want me to have that bag of chips that is still hanging from the spiral thingie. Bastards. Give me my fucking chips! I WILL rock this machine and I don’t care who sees me!

  35. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=307247]Larry McAwful[/re]: Larry, Mrs. Caveman and I would like to come over for dinner tonight. I make this mushroom apetizer thing that you’re gonna love with those steaks. Should we bring more wine?
    ____

    Also, anyone who thinks flat screen TVs are so lightweight, they ought to try hanging a 46″ Vizio on their wall by themselves. I did this, and it damn near broke my back. If that thing ever falls off the wall, its gonna make a hell of a crash. Fortunately, I won’t be under it, can’t sit closer than 8 feet or you’ll go blind.

    ____

    [re=307311]Prommie[/re]: Oooh, someone calling out John Edwards for his ambulance-chasing past? A rare moment of moral clarity in our Wonkette. I did this a couple years back; everybody was “meh, he’s purty.”

  36. Prommie

    [re=307368]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I have been a lawyer for 20 years, and I have come to really see the degree to which the fear of lawsuits is destroying our society.

    It is 90% of the cause of the excessive cost, and decreasing performance, of our education system.

    It shapes the landscape. It encourages tearing down old buildings and putting up pole barns with facades.

    And it has brought about the complete disappearance of see-saws.

  37. Mustang

    [re=307276]Custerwolf[/re]: No one can afford the really expensive ones anymore, so they just sit on the shelves. Yesterday, I was able to buy Annies Organic for 2 bucks a bottle

  38. DustBowlBlues

    [re=307268]Custerwolf[/re]: Of course, many of us have family members who deserve to die a terrifying death far more than a innocent cow, chicken or pig does. Or maybe that’s just my family.

  39. DustBowlBlues

    [re=307287]Custerwolf[/re]: Advice to all of you who have very young children from a pro: When they hit adolescence and scream “I’m leaving and I’m never coming back!” get it in writing and have it notarized.

  40. One Yield Regular

    When I was a kid, I had a dream that my family’s new color TV fell into the bathtub. The colors ran out into the water, and the image on the TV became black and white. I think “Mannix” was on at the time, at least until the thing sank to the bottom of the tub and was extinguished.

  41. sati demise

    [re=307247]Larry McAwful[/re]: I only eat grass fed beef now. teh NYT had an article that eating red meat will shorten your life and increase your chances of cancer….but they do not say that ‘red meat’=factory farmed shit meat we have been eating for 20 years.

    ‘eat grass fed or you’re dead’ is my motto now.

  42. DustBowlBlues

    [re=307393]Mustang[/re]: So this is what it comes to: Celebrating sales on fancy salad dressing. Between not being able to afford to replace the old killing machines I use to watch the commies on MSNBC and buying generic food, this recession is quickly turning me into a hobo.

  43. Joey Ratz

    [re=307241]Larry McAwful[/re]: [re=307252]x111e7thst[/re]: If English was good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for you too, you filthy foreigners.

  44. cranky

    [re=307268]Custerwolf[/re]: because no one eats meat and the few people who do are tormented once every fiver years by the knowledge that it is a choice by someone, or sometimes just a thought. everyone is mean to them and you can’t buy it anywhere. the four people who eat meat are the toughest people on earth, and lonely. vegetarians control the world, and the vegan cabal will soon bring down the food production. cling to your steaks, the vegans are coming for your dinner!

  45. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=307227]FMA[/re]: That’s some serious blowback. We need to fight the TVs over there or we’ll have to fight them over here.

    NEVAR FERGET!!!!!11!

  46. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=307381]Prommie[/re]: The private school playground half a block from my boyhood home used to have the most awesome teeter totters; 40 feet long and made of massive old-growth timbers. You were interfering with low-flying aircraft on final approach when you rode that sumbitch. The slide we had was as tall as a cell tower. If it wasn’t for the damn lawsuit, our school could have rented the slide structure out for that very purpose, thereby ending forever its mostly chronic shortage of funds.

    When I was in 6th grade, they replaced those with a fucking geodesic dome, with safety sawdust on the ground. Now they have an even lamer low-lying plastic and metal play structure. *sigh*

  47. SayItWithWookies

    [re=307444]cranky[/re]: Thank you for that image of a hopeful future.

  48. Scandinavian Fetus

    Isn’t this the logical culmination of “trickle down” theories?

    Aren’t Repubfucktards supposed to bless the beasts and the children?

  49. Custerwolf

    [re=307537]facehead[/re]: It’s an expensive and overly heavy object designed to crush the small minds of children.

  50. Custerwolf

    [re=307271]Mustang[/re]: “comestibles.” Dear god that’s a cute word. Where on earth did you ever find it?

Comments are closed.