Look everyone, a wacky sentence: “WASHINGTON — Federal bank regulators plan to release the much-anticipated results of their ‘stress tests’ on the nation’s 19 biggest banks next Thursday, several days later than they had originally expected, in part because some of the banks continue to disagree with the government’s initial conclusions.” You do remember these things — the banks, the government bailouts, the stress tests, YOUR LIFE, and that thing that ties them all together, the Economy — right? They’re still “big deals” even if they aren’t so much in the news, because now the issue of whether or not we should throw a few dumb ex-government lawyers in jail has become ALL THAT MATTERS, while people continue to starve.
So anyway, for a modest distraction, here’s what’s happening with the government’s plan to give arbitrary amounts of money to banks based on empirical data from the future. It looks like some banks would “disagree” with the government’s conclusions if, say, those conclusions are “YR BANK IS SHITTY,” and the government had to become a majority shareholder.
Senior officials at the Federal Reserve’s regional banks, especially the New York Fed, are expected to be in discussions with bank executives throughout this weekend and into next week, according to government officials and bank executives.
The goal of the tests is to determine how much additional capital each big bank would need if the economic downturn proves to be worse than expected. Many analysts expect that several major institutions, including Citigroup and Bank of America, will be ordered to come up with billions of dollars in additional capital.
Banks that do get such marching orders will be required to submit a capital-raising plan within one month and will have six months to actually raise the money. In practice, the banks will be under pressure to line up the new capital immediately, and several are expected to announce specific plans on the same day that the results are released.
Bank ‘Stress Test’ Results Due Next Thursday [NYT]
Read More:
- Oversight Panel Offers Common-Sense Suggestions For Bailout, Will Probably Be Ignored
- Geithner Plan May Lose Remaining $1.21 In American Wealth
- FDIC Might Need A Bailout Soon
- Tim Geithner Outlines Plan For Digitally Remastered Deluxe Edition TARP
- Financial Reform/Communism Passes Senate, America Rich Again!
{ 49 comments }
Considering how well the banks have been acting so far, I’m sure this will go over well. I’m just hoping Hopey still has that cricket paddle available for the moment BofA says they can’t do it because it’ll interfere with their ability to reward their CEOs for sending the economy down the shitter.
Requiring banks to become as stable as they claim to be obviously is socialism at its worst.
Couldn’t we just hang a few bankers- pour encourager les autres (as used to be the fashion)
Throwing lawyers in jail is so last week. It’s all about the pig sniffles now.
[re=306375]x111e7thst[/re]: We could, but the Chinese piano wire would kill us from lead poisoning.
hear hear! i’ll bring the rope.
[re=306380]4tehlulz[/re]: Clearly we need a domestic piano wire industry. This is a national security issue.
Why doesn’t the government just let them say they have the money? If there’s one thing I’ve learned during this recession, it’s that the finance industry runs on confidence, not actual stuff. So if they say they’re doing fine and everyone believes them, problem solved.
In other words, ordering even basic checks will now incur a $400 “service fee.”
Isn’t it great that Hopey keeps moving on all fronts at once? It’s driving the punditocracy crazy trying to keep up. “He’s doing too much!” they cry, when what they really mean is, “My Rolodex is out of experts to call! I might have to fall back on the ‘one seasoned observer says’ trick for my next column.”
I realize we don’t want to start a fucking banking panic, but it seems America is mature enough to handle a little bad news without going batshit crazy. I mean, just look at the way we’ve handled this whole flu cris…
Er, pardon me while I run to the bank and take all my money out.
but … but … but … I thought the banks were all “we don’t want your filthy socialist greenbacks if it will in any way prevent us from richly rewarding all the incompetents we have on our staff. if we don’t stuff their shorts with money, they might leave us and what would happen then? huh? we might go belly up and would cry. so there.” or something like that. And now they might be going belly up anyway? wow. i’ll bet the Board will be looking over their managers reports very carefully. hahahaha just kidding. they won’t see any problem in it at all.
[re=306387]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Agreed. Bring back commercial paper!
Joe Biden Vindicated! We luv you Joe!
http://www.thebostonchannel.com/cnn-news/19343617/detail.html
Good thing Mercury, which rules communication, goes retrograde next week. This will add to panic and chaos and a few more mass murders when people think they are going to lose their life savings and die of pig jizz influenza.
why do the banks hate america so much?
[re=306387]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That is an unacceptable argument against homosexuality, and I beg you to retract it, Wookies.
[re=306400]Country Club Jihadi[/re]:
Really? That is serious business. Sheeples get your affairs (documents, business deals etc..) in order beforehand, it will be a month of hell in the country & your personal business dealings (don’t sign any contracts that month!)
[re=306400]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: You do know there are a LOT of people out there who really believe that shit.
[re=306400]Country Club Jihadi[/re]:
Mercury turns retrograde May 7th, 2009 at 2 Gemini- 12:55 am EST =bad
Mercury turns direct May 30th, 2009 at 22 Taurus – 9:18 pm EST = good!
From May 7th 2009 thru May 30th 2009. Chaos. Seriously, especially with all this bank, legal, corporation, real estate nightmares going on in this country. Things will be on the upswing & positive between June 1, 2009 & September 7, 2009. Then oh wells, September 7 will bring on another bout of Mercury in retrograde for a month (just in time for my Birthday, thanks universe!). Great summer anyway. Albert Einstein believed completely in Astrology!
“Astrology is a science in itself and contains an illuminating body of knowledge. It taught me many things, and I am greatly indebted to it. Geophysical evidence reveals the power of the stars and the planets in relation to the terrestrial. In turn, astrology reinforces this power to some extent. This is why astrology is like a life-giving elixir to mankind.” ~Albert Einstein
O/T threadjack, but you really should check out Shorts x3′s beautiful work here:
http://ideas.rebuildtheparty.com/pages/5641-general/suggestions/179880-fight-to-elect-neal-horsley
wake up SHEEPLES! you don’t even need a login to vote!!1!!
more info here: http://wonkette.com/408277/secessionist-mule-raping-georgia-governor-candidate-would-also-kill-own-son-for-liberty
[re=306411]Nerdalicious[/re]: Goody. My birthday is May 30. I expect to have awesome sexytime at 9:19 PM.
[re=306408]rev_matt_y[/re]: After watching it for about 15 years, I believe there is “something” to it. Don’t know the science, but more planes seem to crash, or more people kill their families and shoot up the neighborhood McDonald’s during these times. Computers crash like a motherfucker, and my commute goes to Hell. In any event, I will not be surprised by whatever I hear on the news for the next few weeks. It seems like it is mainly miscommunication that wrecks havoc. But at least we’ll have each other. Until one of us snaps, dons a pig suit, and guns the rest of us down.
[re=306414]Nerdalicious[/re]: Argument from authority. Logical fallacy number three.
http://www.theskepticsguide.org/resources/logicalfallacies.aspx
To be fair, I don’t believe in economists either.
[re=306400]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: I wonder if Mercury was in retrograde the entire length of Dubya’s presidumcy. That would certain explain many things. Also.
This is socialism. In a capitalist system, the government gives out money with no strings attached or oversight.
You know what I do when I’m stressed? I drink and masturbate, simultaneously.
See if that works, banks.
[re=306422]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
Happy Birthday you wonderful Gemini! John Kennedy was a Gemini! (One of the funniest signs, no wonder you’re entertaining us here).
So, a sick pig, an incompetent banker, and a torture lawyer walk into a bar…
[re=306438]Nerdalicious[/re]: JFK and I share a birthday.
Here’s to being shot dead in Dallas!
The banks are all like, “Dude, yr stressin me out, quit harshin my buzz!”, and the fed is all, “SERIOUSLY dude, yr bank is SHITTY.”
[re=306426]Cicada[/re]: Yeah but, EINSTEIN!
To relieve stress, vote early, vote often:
http://ideas.rebuildtheparty.com/pages/5641-general/suggestions/179880-fight-to-elect-neal-horsley
[re=306429]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
I’ll do some research & get back to you. It would make total sense. Truthfully, the 21st Century didn’t actually start until Prez’s Presidency began. You should see the alignment in his 12th House at the moment he was Inaugurated! Aquarius to Aquarius! (Age of Aquarius). This is why he is moving very quickly on his Social Programs. These planets will only be in his 12th House for a few short months (House of Social Issues, Healthcare, helping the less fortunate etc…). I predicted all his Cabinet problems & that he would push Social Issues quickly, BEFORE he was even Inaugurated. Like Einstein said, it’s all in the Math. P.S. Prez’s connection to the Financial woes in this country will end in 2012, I can actually look up the date. That will be around the time when the economy etc issues will be aleviated & he will then move on to more global issues.
[re=306429]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Mercury is your ruling planet, so “don’t try to comb your hair in the windstorm” should be your mantra for this period of time. I think GWB is a cancer, so you were close!
[re=306454]magic titty[/re]:
All Gemini’s are extremely intelligent & very, very funny. I bet there are a lot on this site. I have 2 Planets in Gemini, me & Prez share Moon in Gemini. This is where his “coolness” comes from, but he is also very kindhearted (Venus in Cancer).
[re=306400]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: You’re not my crazy neighbor, are you? (I should say: ONE of my crazy neighbors)
The only astrology I’ve ever been able to stomach was that done by the late Sydney Omarr. I always pictured him at home in a smoking jacket in the evening, the fifth drink of the night in his hand, preparing himself to write the next day’s column. He’d wearily wave his houseboy over and say, “James! Fetch me a card from the box for Sagittarius for tomorrow. Something romantic. No, no. How about we go with the ‘Good day to buy an art object’ we used for Virgo last week. And while you’re up, could you refill my glass?”
[re=306459]Come here a minute[/re]:
Also, Benjamin Franklin & the Founders, this Country was initiated by a group of Astrologers (Franklin etc..) & yes, July 4th, 1776 was chosen by Astrology (Franklin). Many of our Presidents, relied on Astrology! Washington, Jefferson, FDR, Nixon, & Reagen, probably much more.
Benjamin Franklin: “Courteous Reader, Astrology is one of the most ancient Sciences, held in high esteem of old, by the Wise and the Great. Formerly, no Prince would make War or Peace, nor any General fight in Battle, in short, no important affair was undertaken without first consulting an Astrologer.” He also selected a date for Washington’s inauguration by means of an astrological Election, in his 1733 Poor Richards Almanack, named after an Astrologer-physician, Richard Saunders, who in 1677 published a textbook on medical astrology.
[re=306472]Country Club Jihadi[/re]:
Yeah, Dumbya & O.J. Simpson!
Teddy Roosevelt too!
Many US presidents/Governments have consulted Astrologers, not just Reagan. Theodore Roosevelt, speaking of his Horoscope said: “I always keep my weather eye on the opposition of my seventh house moon to my first house Mars.” He was ten years old when his first horoscope was drawn for him by the father of Li hung Chang. In an article on “Roosevelt and astro-science, Dudley Clark relates that Col. Roosevelt had his horoscope mounted on a chess board which always stood on a table in his room in the White House.
[re=306404]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Ah, if I had a dime for everytime someone asked me to retract something. I probably wouldn’t have this long record of indecent exposure arrests either.
[re=306481]One Yield Regular[/re]: I know, it sounds kooky. I’m totally normal otherwise. I’m a logistics person, so I just like to know when others will likely have meltdowns so I can adjust things accordingly.
[re=306495]Nerdalicious[/re]: A+ trolling, would LOL again.
The Bankers said: “We don’t like your stress test results”
So the CPAs can just clam-up.
The Zombies march on.
Pump ‘n’ Dump!
[re=306495]Nerdalicious[/re]: Hitler consulted astrologer’s, too. Worked out well for him.
I often disagreed with the results of tests in High School. My objections, by and large, were brushed aside.
@advocatus diaboli, sluggo and, of course, triple shorts…
O.K., I gave Horse Boy 3 votes and put in my own suggestion (raise money by selling Jesus Action Figures, inspired by Florida Governor Charlie Christ)
Actually, i feel a bit guilty since I think that they are actually doing a good thing by asking for suggestions from the public, but they are republicans, so I guess this is the equivalent of the proverbial crossing the street to piss on them while they are on fire, and voting is actually an act of compassion. The fact that we get our jollies by pissing on republicans is gravy.)
I know that I may need additional funds in the future, and since banks are all just hoarding the TARP money, why the fuck are we giving them any more? We could give the same two or three trillion directly at citizen level and have far less actual corruption and predatory fraud. Strapped citizens will immediately need to spend the cash. (Investment tip: WalMart.) A trickle-up economy.
Basically the same stimulus plan, except without the proven-incompetent and overpriced black hole of bankgster middle men.
Banks need to go bankrupt. Then the government buys the assets at actual, minimal value, cleans out all execs and board members, and starts over. Eventual sale back to private market – with strict conditions.
But no, we’re gonna shovel cash at hogs in three-piece suits because they’re self-styled captains of industry. Swine flu indeed. Barbecue the porkers until they’re well-done. Then put the survivors on a tight, short leash. It’s the best way to prevent further infection.
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