real america

Secessionist Mule-Raping Georgia Governor Candidate Would Also Kill Own Son, For Liberty

Georgia gubernatorial candidate Neal Horsley, a.k.a. “The One,” wants to secede from America because of the liberals. This charming fellow made headlines a few years ago when he got into an argument with Alan Colmes, who simply couldn’t understand why Horsley would fuck the shit out of mules. (“Welcome to domestic life on the farm… If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates, you might in fact have sex with it.”) And now, in an interview with Raw Story Dylan Otto Krider, Horsley says he would kill his son in a secessionist rebellion, because hey, WAR IS HELL (and also he almost killed him once before in a dumb argument, ha).

Asked if he was ready to sacrifice his own son in a national insurrection, Horsley recounts a fight with his son where he almost killed him.

“I was one foot from killing my own son, or hurting him really, really bad,” Horsley told Krider. “If he would have attacked me again, I would have stuck him. Or cut him or sliced him or done something to stop him. That’s the point, you hypothetical has literally already been worked out with me, and that’s what makes me different from the other candidates for Governor. They understand I’m not like no politician they have looked at, ever. I am prepared to do a John Brown. I’m not prepared to do an Abe Lincoln and talk out both sides of my mouth and try to get a majority together. I’m looking for the people who are prepared to go with me and take over the foundry, then set up shop and prepare to fight to the death. I’ll do it.”

And once his son is dead, well… the body’s still warm for about 15 minutes, eh? EH? (PSST: LIKE IF HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH IT.)

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Asked again if he was willing to sacrifice his son, he was even more explicit, telling the interview to read the Bible’s Matthew 10.

“Your own family are going to be your greatest enemy because unless you love me more than you love your father, your son, your wife, your daughter, you’re not fit to be my disciple,” Horsley said. “That’s why there’s a real rift of estrangement in my family,” he says….

Oh, that’s why?

Candidate for Georgia governorship says he’d kill his own son to secede [Raw Story]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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138 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO POST THIS!

    It is Friday. And everyone knows that Friday is Troll-Day.
    We posted this: http://www.shortsshortsshorts.com/?p=2783
    Which leads to the College Republican of the Year nomination page. THIS IS THE TIME FOR ACTION. Being that when you go to their “about” page the quote is “The oldest, the biggest, the best – come join CR’s!”

    YOU GET THE JIST.
    TO ARMS! Nominate your favorites. Mark Foley demands it.

    This is the only way Neal Horsley. GEORGIA NEEDS YOU.

  2. Gopherit

    I don’t know if it was rape. It sounded like he had consent. He who has never seen a fine piece of farm animal tail and not lusted in his heart should cast the first stone.

  3. Capitol Hillbilly

    In Georgia, fucking mules is considered very smart because they can’t get pregnant.

  4. Doglessliberal

    “That’s the point, you[r] hypothetical has literally already been worked out with me, and that’s what makes me different from the other candidates for Governor.”

    OK, so willingness to kill your child is now a requirement for public office? Is this known as the Abraham Rule?

  5. SmutBoffin

    This guy probably thinks that teh geighs are an abomination, also, you betcha.

  6. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=306068]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: It is rumored that Jesus was called the “good Shepard” because he was the only Shepard in his area not fucking the herd.
    Worship him.

  7. Dave J.

    [re=306066]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Wasn’t Philip Markoff a College Republican? I nominate that guy, then.

  8. Gopherit

    [re=306066]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Done, and Done. Mike Stalltrawler of Liberty U. NEED YOUR VOTES!!!

  9. Custerwolf

    I’m assuming the sign he’s holding is for that fundraiser he held recently, reading “a portion of these proceeds will go towards our new halfway house for mule fuckers.”

  10. confederette libtard

    Oh well then, shit. Kill your kid cuz that’ll shut the damn liberals up. And abortion is somehow, bad? Can we just get a southern reality show started? You know, boot them off the country weekly for being retarded assfucks? I live in east Tennessee, wingnut central. Since this stupid ass rapture hasn’t started yet, how do we speed thing up a bit? Should I accidentally knock a candle over at the next tent revival or something?

  11. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Poor mule. No telling what sort of diseases it got from Horsley.

  12. Hooray For Anything

    I think this guy is proof enough of why we should let him get what he wants (without his son dying, of course).

  13. Woodwards Friend

    “I am prepared to do a John Brown. I’m not prepared to do an Abe Lincoln and talk out both sides of my mouth and try to get a majority together.”

    Yeah that was really horrible how Abe Lincoln saved the union and freed the slaves. What a dick.

  14. snideinplainsight

    “I’m prepared to do a John Brown.”

    HA! I’m prepared to do a brown too – I just never give mine personal names.

  15. Custerwolf

    Whoa whoa there Hoss! Let’s say we put down the veg-o-matic, and the industrial-sized tube of K-Y and let’s talk rationally…

    So is is his son still alive? And is there some way of convincing him to have another go at dear ol dad – this time with a gun.

  16. JadedDIssonance

    [re=306087]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: seemed more salmon to me, but then I do suffer from color confusion. Yes it’s real. Look it up.

    [re=306066]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I believe it is time for Ronald Jefferson Revere III to make his Debut.

  17. Advocatus_Diaboli

    This guy is a children’s treasury trove of the crazies.

    He also admits to having teh buttsecks once, too, so he is a qualified gopper.
    Funny thing is he said teh gey sex was gross, but he didn’t mind so much that the mule pissed on him.

  18. El Pinche

    Getting continually dropped head-first onto a double-wide trailer as an infant because daddy’s loading his shot gun does that to man. And the man becomes governor.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    If my son was half mule, I’d probably be okay with killin’ him too. Though I’d probably eat my pork children first.

  20. Anonymous Office Zombie

    In light of the fact that the trend has now trickled down to the level of Southern, redneck psychopaths, I hearby proclaim “literally” to have officially replaced “like” as the most superfluously overused term in English usage.

    Literally this is literally what literally happened, literally.

  21. Gopherit

    Also, did anyone else note the irony of a man who conspires to kill abortion doctors for jeebus would actively consider killing his own son? He likes to exercise his right for choice……just a couple dozen years late.

    Oh, yeah…..he also fucks mules.

  22. mcc

    [re=306087]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: I like it when a guy is brave enough to wear pink.

  23. Custerwolf

    One has to think that all this braggadacio and machismo is simply a fashion accessory to offset that pink shirt.

  24. confederette libtard

    I don’t know man. If he’s about to do the brown, I’m thinking the mule may have had a little fun with him. He looks a little warm and damp, and I bet we could probably get him to vibrate a little too.

  25. UncleTom

    As a Georgia resident my question is: How come the yankees have heard of this nutcase, but no one here has. Where do you people dig these idiots up?

  26. Hart88

    “I am prepared to do a John Brown.”

    Die in a hail of gunfire from Federal troops? I’m sure that could be arranged.

  27. Cape Clod

    That’s why FDR liked to vacation in Warm Springs. They had the finest mule fucking in the state.

  28. freakishlystrong

    “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule,” he said, adding, “You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually.”

    Good Gawd..other than the entire state of Georgia, if he gets elected, what the fuck is he fucking now????

  29. V572625694

    “They understand I’m not like no politician they have looked at, ever.”

    Can’t argue with that.

  30. cranky

    i wanted to post something witty, but by the time i stopped holding my head and rocking side-to-side, it had all been said.

  31. One Yield Regular

    You left out his best line in that article, that “the lives of people become, really, almost irrelevant” [in the pursuit of glorifying God]. Straight outta Waziristan!

  32. Custerwolf

    “I am prepared to do a John Brown”
    All well and good sir, I’m sure there’s lots of them out there, but you may have trouble finding one who’s willing after hearing about your muleskinning days.

  33. TeddyS

    Neal Horsley makes me so proud of my native state. He just has this … magnetism … about him that should instantly propel him into the Republican leadership. Palin-Horsley!

    He really is just like the other candidates for governor of our fair state, in which marriage is a sacred institution between one man, one woman, her mother, a fancy girl on Broad Street, a black hottie, and two farm animals of your choice. A mule can be a mistress, but never a wife (GA361-(a)43(ii).

  34. Custerwolf

    [re=306134]V572625694[/re]: He’s familiar with double shots, not so hip to the double negatives.

  35. freakishlystrong

    I think we can finally work an “ass fucking” reference in to our dear Wonkette today, sans irony!

  36. shortsshortsshorts

    Somebody needs to post this on “Rebuild the Party.com”

    I think I will.

  37. Hooray For Anything

    [re=306132]WeirdInWimberley[/re]: Nope. It’s sort of like rooting for Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann to keep kicking around. Plus, a new poll out has 1/3 of the Republicans in the state wishing for secession so maybe he, Rick Perry, Sanford, and Jindal can go ahead and actually secede. So, go for it Georgians

  38. Custerwolf

    [re=306139]imissopus[/re]: Completely OT, but when I first watched Jaws as a youth, I wanted to fuck the nerdy college dude (Dreyfuss), then later, when I got older, I wanted to fuck Brody (Scheider). Then just a couple weeks back I watched it again, and this time I totally wanted to fuck Quint (Shaw). I’m getting old, alright
    Okay, back to what we were talking about earlier.

  39. freakishlystrong

    [re=306157]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Cannot wait to read the comments, Brava, young Republican miss…

  40. H. Duck

    I meant “he never spoke ill” of man-on-fruit sex. At least with watermelon fornication, preborn babies are not murdered.

  41. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=306117]Custerwolf[/re]:
    I literally expected that retort from someone.

    Literally the most irredeemably annoying thing on the planet would be a Twitterfying twat who is a serial “literally” offender.

  42. Joey Ratz

    If you’re this guy’s son, death probably doesn’t seem like such a bad option.

  43. slappypaddy

    [re=306155]Custerwolf[/re]: when you get old enough, you’ll be jumping the shark

  44. Cape Clod

    [re=306157]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I call Warblog. Go to Rebuild the Party through the link and vote for Shorts post. It currently ranks 260. It needs to go to number one.

  45. Georgia Burning

    The repugs should check out the SPCA database of animal fuckers- could be a whole lot of future candidates. Or good wingmen for a fun evening.

  46. Crankenstank

    Wow. I think this is the first time I’ve seen the term “mule raper” used on Wonkette and been literally true.

    Gonna have to watch out for future metaphors to make sure they aren’t literally true (e.g. muslin communist, probably about a cloth-making kibbutz…)

  47. TeddyS

    [re=306157]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I voted for your sage comment on Rebuild the Party, and will do so often.

  48. Custerwolf

    [re=306236]slappypaddy[/re]: Just like that scene where Brody’s absentmindedly tossing bait overboard…I never saw it coming.

  49. Scarab

    Are all mule-rapers required to sport that Wilford Brimley/John Bolton mustache?

  50. PerhapsSo

    [re=306157]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: One of your supporters is “Mule_Love.” Bravo, sir!

  51. crapistani

    [re=306145]freakishlystrong[/re]: What makes my brain hurt is the idea that “ass fucking” is the sinful act of teh gayz, but “mule fucking” is just rural Georgia on a Friday night.

  52. pdiddycornchips

    [re=306182]Joey Ratz[/re]:

    Word. ‘Cause you’d have to figure he explored other options before f*cking that mule.

  53. JMP

    [re=306157]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Voted! After the TruckNutz incidents, it’s hard to believe that it’s still so easy.

    Also: the College Republican of the Year has to be the scary-black-guy-carved-a-backwards-B-in-my-face girl.

  54. bricks

    I bet this is why Eeyore was so depressed; what, with THIS yokel fucking him every time he turned around

  55. JMP

    [re=306262]S.Luggo[/re]: “Education is a personal choice for the individual.”

    So that explains the Palins; also Horsely.

  56. One Yield Regular

    [re=306195]Gorillionaire[/re]: Indeed. Is this not another classic case of someone so completely oblivious to his own pathology that he feels no embarrassment parading it around the internets, so completely unconscious of his own conflicts that he just can’t wait to violently act them out on others? *Seriously* closeted ex-military/”ex-hippie” who found his Jesus “path” through drug rehab? Sheesh. Go to a meeting already, guy.

  57. friendlyskies

    When you’d kill your own son and lots of other innocent people, for the chance to overthrow democracy in the USA, that’s when it’s time to go turn yourself in.

  58. RoscoePColtraine

    Okay, for those of you who for whatever reason do not wish to read the interview, here is the jist:

    To get a mule to let you fuck her, you give her an ear of corn. After it was over he says the mule pissed on him. It was embarassing. Later, while in the Air Force he fucked a dude. It was gross. Got that? Fuck a mule who then pisses on you, embarassing. Fuck a dude, gross.

    I’m not even making that shit up.

  59. shortsshortsshorts

    HAHAHA it is ranked “30th” right now.

    [re=306262]S.Luggo[/re]: Turn the department of education into the department of homeland security, or the terrorists have won.

  60. as the world burns

    [re=306303]friendlyskies[/re]: lunatics like this mule-fucker are precisely why i’m going to stock up on ammo as well. wingnuts aren’t the only ones who know how to shoot….there’s no way i’m going to allow myself and my family to be taken out by this jackoff and his friends.

    bachmann/horsley 2012 !!!!!!11!!!1

  61. Edywin

    See this story would be wonderful snarky satire in any other context. As truth however it is just sad. No funnys from Edywin on this one. Back to the blow up sheep and Mr. Ed reruns.

  62. WIld Turkey

    It would appear he might me right about the ubiquity of Man-Mule Love in Georgia:

    http://www.caironet.com/MULE.htm

    I particularly like that there is a “beauty pageant” and an award for “Best Riding Pleasure Mule.”

    Given that Horsley appears to be correct about the Georgia mule fucking phenomena, maybe he is also right about the advisability of killing his son – it can’t hurt.

  63. 19kevin8

    This boob couldn’t get elected head nutjob of the insane asylum he’ll soon be calling “home”.

  64. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Shorts’ post is now #30. And rising like Horsley’s dick at the sight of, erm, anything warm and moist.

  65. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=306325]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Hahaha something seems to be lacking there.

  66. DustBowlBlues

    [re=306337]19kevin8[/re]: Not so fast, Buster. The Republican party of certain state is probably in the process of recruiting him for when Jim Inhofe retires. (Or chokes on Chesapeake Energy’s dick).

  67. AnnieGetYourFun

    That’s a faded red shirt, folks. That’s how you know he’s a man of God.

    I added my feedback, Shorts. Bless you.

  68. Capitol Hillbilly

    shorts, it was a close call between your idea and legalizing drugs. so i split my votes.

  69. JMP

    [re=306325]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Actual honesty from the Republicans at once, who’d have imagined that? Also: hah!

  70. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=306362]SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild[/re]: That makes it EVEN BETTER AND EASIER to get Horsley into office.

  71. zenferret

    [re=306145]freakishlystrong[/re]: Wouldn’t being a mule make it half assed fucking?

  72. sezme

    I mastery of the conditional tense (or really, any grammar at all) should be a prerequisite getting elected as governor. And only then should your willingness to murder your own offspring or fuck livestock be considered a benefit.

  73. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Alright, which one of you suggested that the gop replace the elephant with a mule?

    Bravo!

  74. TeddyS

    Now, Wonketeers, revisit the Rebuilders and “flag” the subjects above as inappropriate. Those offensive topics and comments need to be removed! And Shorts moves up.

  75. Dean Booth

    Stranger: Who’s that guy in the field fucking a mule?
    Young guy: Oh, that’s my dad. Heeee Haaaawlways does that!

    [/aristocrats]

  76. zenferret

    Yay! I voted for the GOP to secede from the GOP or the Union!

    That ought to be amusing to watch happen.

  77. S.Luggo

    [re=306354]Showbiz Kazy[/re]:
    “TIME TO STOP THIS ENTRUSIVE BOONDOGLE!!! ALL IT DOES IS LET THE LIBDONKS OVERCOUNT MINORETYS AND STACK THE CONGRES AND SENATE WITH MORE LIBDONKS!!!!”

    And rebuildtheparty.com helps libdonk hippies count mouth-breathers & illiterates.
    So it’s win-win.

  78. Hooray For Anything

    [re=306354]Showbiz Kazy[/re]: Seriously, what does it say about a party that one of the leading ideas is “Embrace Science.” And then what can you say about a party who’s supporters write comments like this: “Why should the republican party embrace LIES about science? Evolution is an atheist lie for which there is no evidence.”

  79. yellowdogdem

    [re=306415]sezme[/re]: Misplaced your quotation marks. Should be “A mastery, dickhead.”

  80. PlanetWingnuta

    i went over to that site (rebuild the party) and suggested that we put buttseks on the plate to rebuild the party. I’m giggling myself to death here.

  81. LittlePig

    [re=306331]WIld Turkey[/re]: Not just the men:

    Best Riding Pleasure Mule (walk, trot & canter) Ladies

  82. Odin Nite

    “If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates”,

    what does he mean that it vibrates? Thats what really jumped out at me.

  83. Czn939

    [re=306085]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: I think Horsely might be patient zero should there ever be a pandemic of mule-flu.

  84. JMP

    [re=306157]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: 20th place – it’s now made the front page!

  85. Czn939

    [re=306533]JMP[/re]: And there, at the bottom, is Ted: the token wingnut who doesn’t get it.

  86. Lazy Media

    Meh. He’s no J.B. Stoner. I asked J.B. (the Birmingham church bomber, who later ran for lt. gov. of Georgia) over the phone what he thought about another candidate refusing to share a stage with him, and he said thought the guy was “a race-mixing fanatic.” No nutjobs like the old nutjobs.

  87. hobospacejunkie

    For those voting at Rebuild the Party you can vote as many times as you like if you are using Google Chrome. Just keep opening Incognito web pages (Control + Shift + N) and voting, voting, voting.

    This method probably also works in other browsers but goes by another name. Figure it out. Fight to elect Neal Horsely needs you!!

  88. Cold War Unicorns

    How can he talk out of either side of his mouth when both sides are chock full of mule dick?

  89. katrina

    So this guy might just plant the governor’s mansion lawn chock full of watermelons
    should he win, eh.
    Wow, irony can be so ironic.

  90. zhubajie

    I’m pretty sure John Brown did not kill his children. Jesus didn’t kill anyone!

    Zhu Bajie

  91. zhubajie

    [re=306067]Gopherit[/r[re=306067]Gopherit[/re]: A non-consenting mule would probably kick him to death.

    Zhu Bajie

  92. zhubajie

    [re=306097]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Didn’t you always suspect the conservacrooks wanted to bring slavery back? My definition of liberal: doesn’t want to be a slave!

    Zhu Bajie

  93. zhubajie

    [re=306266]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Probably the family chickens. Only do the hens and your’e not queer!

    Zhu Bajie

  94. wildturtlelove

    [re=306155]Custerwolf[/re]: ask for a wetsuit for your next birthday, it’s gonna be the shark.

  95. zhubajie

    [re=306119]Hart88[/re]: I think Brown was captured and hanged. He did kill quite a lot of southerners when he was a settler in Kansas.

    Zhu Bajie

Comments are closed.