Wonkette
Bob Dylan will have to write his next album about the terrible mice plague sweeping the nation of Australia, and by “the nation” we of course refer to “a single nursing home in Queensland.” Still, we must ask the important question: if the pig AIDS doesn’t kill us, will the mouse plague do it instead?
Probably not! Turns out this one nursing home, which hosts about 70 elderly people including one 89-year-old war veteran who got his ears severely chewed by the horrible mice, just has a mouse infestation. Health authorities are appalled, the government is appalled, the nurses are appalled, and the residents aren’t very happy either. So maybe the home will shut down, because of the mice.
In essence, the problem is more of a “swarm” of mice than a “plague” of mice, so no need to cancel your travel plans to or from Australia. Unless your plans involve visiting your elderly relative at the Karingal nursing home, in which case, wear a helmet.
Mice ‘chew pensioner’s ears’ [ABC News]
Nurses ‘devastated’ at mouse-infested nursing home [ABC News]
Why the fuck is a hamster apologizing for what the mice are doing?
What? They don’t have cats in Queensland?
When the dude was complaining about having his ear chewed off they should not have assumed he was referring to a boring roommate.
How many ears must a mouse chow down
Before you call them a plague?
Yes, n how many olds must white mice make ill
Before the gov removes it’s head from the sand?
Yes, n how many times must the people complain
Before they’re forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.
Min: Australia’s been down that road before. Don’t mention cats around them.
This whole getting-diseases-from-animals thing has gotta stop. I say a good start would be to not let this literal mule-fucker become the governor of Georgia.
(For serious, though, who has sex with a donkey then RUNS FOR PUBLIC OFFICE?)
Can we send some BBQ sauce to these mice?
Again,a horrible plague fortold by a Stephen King novel/short story. This time we are talking about “Graveyard Shift”, where a simple mouse/rat infestation turns out to be something much more ominous. Please keep your eyes open for upcoming stories about plastic army men coming to life, an alien spaceship controlling peoples thoughts or a mist overtaking the land. Stephen King is the new Nostradamus. And just to be safe, everyone please stay the hell away from Maine.
Slow news day?
And hey, these nursing home residents are still Australian! Shouldn’t they be able to deal with the mouse problem themselves, by killing the mice with their bare hands, then eating them raw?
Custerwolf: Rodentia apologists. They’re a cabal.
SmutBoffin: Jesus Christ - I’ll bet that mule still gets embarrassed whenever he sees that picture. Beast of burden indeed.
SnarkNotFark:
What about “Everything Floats down here” talking sewer clowns/demons?
Actually mice are most deadly when inserted into the anus.
My cat, Aldous Huxley, keeps leaving me mouse asses on the back porch. (all explained on shorts x3 blog) At first I was just insulted. Now I realize the bastard is trying to kill me.
I’ve learned that giving flowers to my girlfriend as an apology loses its effectiveness if I’m pantsless at the time, so I’ve stopped apologizing.
Wait till they see my new Tin Cat Repeating Mousetrap. Gnawty little bastards.
SmutBoffin: (For serious, though, who has sex with a donkey then RUNS FOR PUBLIC OFFICE?)
More like, “who runs for public office AND ADMITS HAVING SEX WITH A DONKEY?”
Monsieur Grumpe: I hope that really is your cat’s name. I must steal it for my next feline companion. I thought of going with Hobo’s ‘Big Balls’, but I already have a dog named ‘Dickens’ - and that’s a name which must be abreviated to one syllable when one is yelling for the poor deaf bastard. People within earshot must think I really hate my boyfriend.
DON’T BLAME THE MICE. Elderly Queenslanders are just so yummy.
(Something about being marinated in Fourex all their lives…)
Australia seems to have hordes of feral cats, frogs, rabbits, and God knows what else. And I hear people there are complaining about boat people showing up. What else do you expect from a penal colony?
That’s not a mouse…THIS IS A MOUSE!, also.
Is Obama going to apologize for this, too?
SmutBoffin: i need him to look crazier.
What the hell’s going on?? Mice used to be such pacifists. Back in the days of the Plague they just let their fleas do all the killing for them.
SmutBoffin: I have a list of 17 donkey “lovers” in Congress.
I thought mice came in “exhaltations,” like larks.
chascates: hardened attitudes?
gjdodger: No it’s more like breathy sighs.
Min: Queensland is a weird place, and Cane Toad licking is not the only reason!
Zhu Bajie
suchsweetthunder: We actually had a case her in WA where a guy was fucked to death by a horse. True story. So of course, the danged libruls had to pass a “Please Don’t Fuck the Animals’ law. Goddamned reactionaries.
SmutBoffin: A very experienced sex tourist/sailor once assured me that sex with a Shetland mare is pretty good.
Zhu Bajie
SmutBoffin: I saw that about our mule fucking gubernatorial candidate. He also has a fantasy about killing his son a la Isaac/Abe. I have got to get the fuck out of Georgia, even the drag queens here are conservatives!
SmutBoffin: Probably more than you might think, amongst those who grew up before the Sexual Revolution.
Zhu Bajie
chascates: Toads, cane toads, hallucinogenic when licked! I think they ought to invite stoners to lick them to death, but Q’land is OZ’s Bible Belt!
Zhu Bajie
McDuff: I remember that interview - funny[er] thing was, when the host (Colmes maybe? I don’t remember) was all shocked and asked “wait, did you say you fucked mules?” after his admission, Horsley was all “yeah, of course; hasn’t everybody?”
Old people smell like cheese. If old people would stop thinking they can “skip a day” when it comes to showering, this would not be a problem.
Custerwolf: Yes, the guy that got fucked by the horse was named “Mr. Hands.” Google him and watch the video if you don’t want to eat for the next few hours
Naked Bunny with a Whip: I didn’t know raccoons even paid attention to that sort of thing. I figured they’d just eat the flowers and move on.
chascates: ‘Australia seems to have hordes of feral cats, frogs, rabbits, and God knows what else.’
Cane Toads. They were brought to Australia to eat the Cane Grubs and without any domestic predators they started multiplying like crazy.
@SayItWithWookies: Hey now! Raccoons are filthy whores. I only date upscale squirrels. Mmm, fluffy tails.
Cape Clod: “Cane toad,” is that slang for old people?
I read that wolverines feed on mice (amoung other things). Sic Hugh Jackman on them.
Custerwolf: I’m pretty sure “relations” with a horse is illegal in Oregon. Also.
Do we really want to be feeding Hugh Jackman?
suchsweetthunder: Yeah, and there you can’t even throw shit at them.
Cape Clod: When I was growing up, my next door neighbors brought a feral cat back from Australia. It was the coolest cat. It instantly became soul mates with my little brother — who was six at the time — because he would try to kick it using his Tae Kwon Do skillz. If you tried to pet it, it would just get bored. But a roundhouse to the side of the head, it’d get this little smile on its face, and grab on to my little brothers leg (never hurting him, mind you) and roughhouse. It was more of a dog, really.
suchsweetthunder: Sounds like a cat we had when I was a kid. Casper (because he’s a ghost, not because he was white) used to chase my sister and I around the bedroom leaping halfway across the room to try to nail us with those daggery claws of his. I still have a scar on my arm where he actually connected once. He was a very cool kitty, though. Loved that boy.
Custerwolf: Now the mice have Hanta Virus.
In the SW you have to wear a haz-mat suit to clean up mice droppings.
Those mice have not changed one bit since the days of the black death.
They gave that black death franchise to the prairie dogs after they developed a new method of mass destruction.
Custerwolf: No, but now I’m going to start using it that way.
ManchuCandidate: That is either perfectly ambiguous or ambiguously perfect. +1+1
Joe Biden says do NOT go to Australia if you are planning to travel in an enclosed space such as a commercial airplane or cruise ship. Maybe a biplane?
Is the mice problem as bad as their dingo problem?
sati demise: Do those adorable little picket pins (or rather, their fleas) now carry the plague? This I did not know. Well, the poor little guys need some means of fighting those assholes with the AK-47s.
A mouse ate my baby! Or, as my neice and nephew say: A baby ate my mouse! (mouse…dingo…it’s all the same)
Custerwolf: My sister has a dog named Tequila. The neighbors all think she’s a crazy drunk.
pondscum: At least once during a shift my boss will say, “The dingo ate my baby! The dingo ate my baby!” and I NEVER get tired of it. She’s one of those people who can make you laugh with anything she says.
Thank you all for a truly delightful Friday read. The End Times are going to be a hoot with all of you around; at least I assume none of you will be going anywhere…
Sorry - “none of US.”
Just to put this in context. Queensland is where we keep our bitters (and I’m not referring to Fourex which I’ve always found unpleasantly sweet). Imagine a weird state made up of Florida attached to Georgia and Arizona, and bits of West Virginia (ie blue-collar backwaters that used to vote for Communists 60 years ago but are now into Pentacostalism) the only difference being that the capital city has a genuine lefty/bohemian subculture in a permanent state of siege as its surrounded by vast acreages of mindless suburbia and the bitters beyound. And, yes, the place is overrun with giant hallucinogenic toads.
So, to sum up: carnivorous mice? Not really surprising…