Wonkette
On Monday night your two Wonkette associate editors attended a Dinner Party thrown by the digest The Week, called The Week Opinion Awards, and we’re only posting about it now because hey, shut up. It was somewhat “A-List,” meaning (a) why the poo were we invited and (b) why the poo did we go? Because after only four seconds at the opening cocktail party, your male associate editor was begging Sara to leave. But two full glasses of gin over the next four seconds changed that attitude into “LET’S GO FUCK WITH LINDSEY GRAHAM” and we stayed for the dinner after all.
Oh that guy up top is Michael Calderone, one of the 94 Politico staffers who were there, including Really Bad Ones like Mike “WIN EVERYTHING” Allen and Jonathan “Flowers” Martin. See if you can spot Lindsey Graham in the photo, too! BECAUSE HE WAS THERE, as was Sen. Ben Nelson and John Dingell and a few other elected wieners.
See there’s Ben Nelson on the right, from behind, the one with the hair. CHUG CHUG CHUG GIN.
The Dining Room! Yes, the dining room. Who is Famous in this foto? The baldy on the left-center there with the dark hair, we think that is Josh Marshall’s new Internet slave Matt Cooper, the one who was supposed to be in jail with Judy Miller a million years ago. The guy at the podium was like the editor of The Week or something and he was praising the important members of Congress in the room. Apparently Israeli spy Jane Harman was there! The editor guy announced her name and your male associate editor laughed loudly, bringing shame to his table.
David Axelrod gave the keynote address without a Telly Prompter, and so it was incomprehensible. His keynote address was “Why David Brooks is great and I love him,” and then he gave David Brooks an award. Apparently they were teenage lovers, in Chicago.
CHUG CHUG CHUG.
After dinner there was a terrible panel with Joe Scarborough, Eugene Robinson, Claire McCaskill, and gay old Lindsey Graham (who has a mohawk?). They talked about torture and shit and Lindsey Graham pretended to be a moderate. They took questions from the crowd, too! We wanted to ask something about Truck Nutz but Chris Matthews, who was in attendance, kept grabbing the microphone and shouting slurred nonsense at McCaskill.
Your favorite Morning Mika was the one picking questioners, arbitrarily. Wtf? THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR FUN IN WASHINGTON.
Look we don’t know how to use cameras, okay? But here is some blurry amateur pornography from outside.
Only another week until the White House Correspondents’ Suicide Festival!
What?!?! No pics of SKS in a slinky black dress?
Was the food at least good, or were you too pickled on the juniper juice to notice?
When I saw Scarbourough, I thought “Nobody deserves an Onion Award more than Douchebrurough”. Then I realized it said “Opinion Award”. WTF?
And why is there a picture of Robert Picardo wearing glasses? He’s a journalist now?
Doglessliberal: Yeah it wasn’t bad, filet mignon (although it tasted a bit airplane-y, like it had been frozen a while.)
“THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR FUN IN WASHINGTON.”
No, this is what people do for fun in RICHMOND.
I think scrubbing the grout in my bathroom sounds more interesting than this party.
Seeing David Brooks win any award apart from a football thrown by Brett Favre to the groin would have caused me to throw a PCP’ed-up Gilbert Gottfried into the ballroom and then lock all the exits from the outside.
Whoa! Whos’ the dude to the right and behind the guy with the huge head and glasses? It looks as though he needs somethig to do with his hands…..
Look, I don’t care who was there, how was the food?
Custerwolf: jeezus, I got so excited I’m dropping my letters.
norbizness: Indeed and also a rabid racoon.
Who the fuck sends out invitations and goes “Lindsay Graham, sure, Chris Matthews, why not, he’ll probably show up anyway… hmm… Sara Smith and Jim Newell from Wonkette… sure!”?
Y’all had Douchebourgh and Halfway Out Graham in your sites and didn’t hurl anything? And by that I mean barf.
Also, is that New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez behind Calderon in the first picture?
So let me get this straight - they are now handing out awards for opinions? Is it the most popular opinion that wins, or the most innovative? I don’t get it. Obviously it must be the most popular opinion - because that one gets the most votes. So now WHY are they handing out awards for this? Please?
Jim Newell: Can you actually speak to the Immortals such as Graham or Nelson or are the Lessers kept in a ‘press area’?
…and there was much back-slapping and jocular ho-ho-ho’s, and everyone went home and kicked the cat.
The End.
Jim Newell: Uh - I think they call that filet mastadon.
I must move back to DC immediately the bar for what passes as ‘attractive’ is so astonishingly low.
What’s happening to you two? Next we’ll hear about you attending a cocktail party at Dean Broder’s and you’ll be on MTP suggesting a capital gains tax cut will end the recession. Plus, maybe we should torture after all.
Gorillionaire: That assumes that GG and a raccoon can work together, rather than just tear each other apart.
And I don’t want to say anything about the guy in the first picture, although I am strongly reminded of the intro to the Fight For Your Right to Party video. In the interest of full absolution, I originally misused this observa-joke on the Chuck Todd post a few weeks ago.
Custerwolf: Good to see you back on form.
I admire our editors’ restraint in not rushing to the podium/lectern and bashing in David Brooks’ skull with his own award.
It might be the blurriness, but it seems like that valet in that last photo is giving you the “I’m gonna kill all you motherfuckers,” look.
StephanieInCA: DC’s always been “Hollywood for fuckin’ ugly people”.
Who is “Wolverine” in the pin stripes? I must know.
StephanieInCA: Come to Oregon. I moved here from Florida and the bar is astonishingly low by comparison.
Jim and Sara: I am very disappointed that you two were hobnobbing with this pack of riffraf. I understand why, out of shame, you didn’t post this story until Ken Layne made you do it.
It’s sad that in the last pic the valet turned over the car to a Dutch driver.
InsidiousTuna: So, in other words, Hollywood without Hollywood’s only redeeming feature.
Jim Newell: It was free, so that helps.
Whoa…you know you’re fugly when your self-portrait cartoon caricature on your blog is nicer looking than you are in real life. (See Mike Calderone.)
How did Jim & Sara refrain from jumping on top of their table & calling everyone useless, humanoid bags of flop sweat? (See Mika Brezinski or however the fuck you spell her name.)
chascates: “…are the Lessers kept in a ‘press area’?”
Isn’t that called a “Freedom Cage”?
I want to know what Tweety said. Was he trying to make Scarborough cry? What does he have against faux-award-dinner-opining-panelists anyway?
StephanieInCA: If you are just looking for some sexy time no need to move to DC. I’m sure there are plenty of low bar attractive men who would be happy to help you out. However, don’t sell yourself short. I have not seen photos of you, but if you look anything like the photos we saw of Custerwolf & Nerdalicious yesterday, your bar should be set rather high.
where are the pics of Lindsey’s bathroom trawling?
Kinda looks like Michael Steele parkin’ cars in the last pic.
Fucking with Lindsey Grahm was probably not as much fun as you make it sound.
calderon? where are the other six dwarfs? where you really disappointed as i was the first time i went to maxs kansas city?
*fapfapfapfapfap*
j/k …or am I?
Country Club Jihadi:
I thought he looked like a giant Oompa Loompa.
So Jim fucked Lindsey Graham?
hobospacejunkie: we should all post unlabeled photos of ourselves and play ‘match the wonkette commenter to his/her photo’ FUN.
StephanieInCA: The Wonkette Facebook group has a thread where everyone admits their Wonkette name…just FYI.
StephanieInCA: It could be but where would we find all the Segways, matching yellow t-shirts, and helmets? Except for Nerdalicious who would be nude.
WP’s Jizzinmypants version here:
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/reliable-source/2009/04/rs-pundits29.html
Texan Bulldoggette: There’s a Wonkette Facebook group? WHAT IS FACEBOOK? Mexican Pig Death. also.
YouTube Red Carpet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03CPVR55g50
Ha! David Brooks really does look all crushed out on Axelrod in that photo.
StephanieInCA: It’s on Ted Stevens’s ’series of tubes’. Check it out–some regulars are on there. If I recall correctly all the Tunas are differentiated & a lot of the people I thought were dudes turned out to be gals…go figure.
I’m a total lesbo for Mika.
Texan Bulldoggette: There are only two tunas. And I was here first.
This sounds every bit as bad as it was two years ago, when I was forced to receive an award from these people due to Pareene’s trickery:
http://wonkette.com/247893/wonkette-party-crash-the-week-magazine-opinion-awards-07/
The problem with the photos is that you’re using a Sony CyberShot, and using Auto mode at that. Pony up for an entry level Nikon or Canon DSLR and your photos will be much better. Crank up the ISO to max (it’s the Internet, no one will notice the grain), get a $90 low light lens with a nice sized aperture and you’ll be the coolest kids in class.
InsidiousTuna: Are you the male tuna or female tuna (female tuna lives in Waco, I believe).
hobospacejunkie: Okay, I believe I located one of my tits for your viewing pleasure. Hurry up before Joe comes back in the trailer.
http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo336/brontie2/smyt.jpg
Might I just add that Michael Calderone looks like the monsignor nobody invites back to their house because he always says creepy things to the children?
Texan Bulldoggette: Believe it or not, Calderone is like 30. I don’t want to know what 40 will bring…
What kind of SWAG did you get? THE WEEK t-shirts? That would be awesome!
Custerwolf: Well fap done.
heroinmule: You have good taste. Just keep away from the flannel shirts.
How many thermo-scanners did you have to pass thru before you could brush against the imporant people?
Advice for next time: AFTERPARTY!!1!
Spend $1000 on coke, weed, and bongs and you can get some great papparazi revenue. Hopefully of the Michael Phelps variety rather than than lil’ miss biden variety.
Re: The First Picture
For a minute there I thought Nate Silver went bald.
Bruno: No coke - Pepsi.
Custerwolf: Are you able to get broadband in the Washington wilderness?
chascates: I just rid of dial-up 2 months ago. Most folks round these parts are looking to get lapband.
Country Club Jihadi: did you notice that Sally Quinn seems to think that “a year and a half” is either 101 or 500 days?
Custerwolf: Almost enough to make me want to Go Galt.
That was a pleasant surprise.
“The editor guy announced her name [Jane Harman] and your male associate editor laughed loudly, bringing shame to his table.”
Fuck that! You’re a hero in my book, Jim Newell, because I would’ve laughed aloud on purpose and then cough-spoke “Israeli pwn” under my breath.
Come to think of it, this is probably why I don’t get invited to fancy things, but still! HERO!
Texan Bulldoggette: I am the male tuna, aged twenty, live in Waco and attend Baylor University. Other tuna is aged twenty-three, lives in Los Angeles, is a USC grad, and works for LA’s transit authority.
Get on your Wonketteer trivia.
Mr Blifil: It’s not so bad once you learn how to cut your own hair, shower with the dog, and wear your roommates clothes.
Josh Fruhlinger: HAHAHA no way. You used to be famous!
Country Club Jihadi: “Ana Marie Cox, Wonkette.com”
Fucking murder me…
InsidiousTuna: Sorry, I will commence storing that into my memory bank pronto. Sorry, I knew one of you was in Waco & went to Baylor. I just assumed it was the chick because I don’t know a lot of men (unless they were RW fundies, W-loving, pretend cowboys, full-time rednecks & goat fuckers) who could put up with, well…living in Waco.
Texan Bulldoggette: It ain’t easy. The Tea Party was particularly unpleasant, but every day’s a struggle.
Custerwolf: You are my hero. And your photo is definitely for my viewing pleasure (unlike that photo of the horribly prematurely-aged Calderone up above.)
But let me state for the record that I never did ask for a photo of you naked or semi-naked. I am happy that you decided to share, don’t get me wrong, but it was others egging on you & Nerdalicious (mmm…also delicious) yesterday.
Or maybe this is my reward for not egging you on yesterday. I’m not gonna overthink it. But if I weren’t happily married I’d share your trailer with you (and your menagerie of critters) any day.
Jim Newell: can’t find the video (3-4 yrs old) of the reenactment of an Eric Alterman - AMC dispute. Done by two women which gave it an unusual look.
InsidiousTuna: Those pics were hilarious…Jesus, I don’t know how you do it! I feel like I should bake you a cake or something, poor dear.
hobospacejunkie: Actually, I realize now it was Lascaux - nonetheless, thank you and my critters thank you. While my house got smaller - my playground is getting bigger. We cleared some land (almost all down or dead timber so I didn’t murder too many trees)and it’s absolutely gorgeous out there, with the horses, the dogs, kitties - EVERYBODY lounging in the beautiful warm sun.
Jim Newell: HA HA HA HA HA! Did you guys chat or are you ENEMIES, for some reason?
I think my favorite part of living in DC is that I’ve got fairly good odds of getting to drunkenly hit on Sara.
Custerwolf: Sweeet!
OzoneTom: Aw, thanks OT. Not so bad for a broad pushing fifty, I suppose.
Josh Fruhlinger: I just want her to help out sometimes if she apparently works for Wonkette, you know?
Jim Newell: Uh - oh.
Jim Newell: Did you ask her?
Custerwolf: You suppose right, I’m amazed. Must be all of the fresh air.
Country Club Jihadi: Schuster - faggy accent, hair like a ridgeback
Tucker - wants to out-Beck Beck so that he can get a decent job and stop living off his woman like some pimp. But I mean that in a good way.
Todd Harris - nice scalp.
While the Wonkette crew was busy getting its drink on, they failed to report that:
Beast from the X-men was there! (Ck. pix #2: the guy on the left with glasses and the Mafia pinstripe suit!)
Country Club Jihadi:
Dude, it’s Beast.
Custerwolf: I’ve always loved the 80s.
S.Luggo: As in- the days of say, Flashdance,or you mean you really dig octogenarians? Not that I could blame you for the latter. Being able to remove one’s teeth whenever the situation called for it would be a huge plus I suppose.
I think that Bald Guy following you is CIA or NSA. Please keep changing your routes to work everyday and periodically stop to check who is behind you. I fear for your safety. Rove and Cheney still have people embedded in the gubberment. And 9/11 is an inside job.