SEXYTIME  11:57 am April 30, 2009

Everyone In DC To Die Of Pig Flu, Too

by Jim Newell

Here’s Joe Biden this morning telling us all that we’re going to die if we travel in confined spaces (2:35 in). Hooray! And better yet, the swine flu has finally “come home” to our nation’s capital, Washington, after some slob at the World Bank (*shakes fist at World Bank*) went to Mexico, fucked a pig, and came back to our fairest city with this Pig AIDS. So hey people in DC, liquidate yr bank accounts and buy booze and we’ll hold a big orgy on the Mall tonight before we all die tomorrow. On the upside, this will fix the economy! The death of all humans, that is. [AP]

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StephanieInCA April 30, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Maybe now Amtrak Joe can get Scranton zombie jesus to quit stalking me all the time, forever. JOE!

ManchuCandidate April 30, 2009 at 12:04 pm

We always knew that the World Bank was behind the end of the world.

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:06 pm

They really need to not let him talk. Did he not watch the presser last night? Way to panic everyone, Joe. Jeebus.

(and as someone who is flying to Southern California next weekend, I refuse to be afraid. I will NOT get this shitty illness.)

Serolf Divad April 30, 2009 at 12:07 pm

That’s it. I’m locking myself up in my safe room. I’ve got 50 liters of purified water. 3 months of MREs, and a brand new Xbox 360. I need nothing else.

freakishlystrong April 30, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=304583]Doglessliberal[/re]: You can always come to Florida Dogless!

Terry April 30, 2009 at 12:11 pm

“So hey people in DC, liquidate yr bank accounts and buy booze and we’ll hold a big orgy on the Mall tonight before we all die tomorrow.”

Uh, isn’t that a normal Thursday night in DC?

Cape Clod April 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=304584]Serolf Divad[/re]: Do you need duct tape? I still have five cases leftover from the time Tom Ridge told us to go out and stock up on it.

Terry April 30, 2009 at 12:14 pm

“We always knew that the World Bank was behind the end of the world.”

Yeah, but since most World Bank employees seem to think that it’s too dangerous to live outside of Potomac, Great Falls, or Chevy Chase, I think most of us are fine. Like in Poe’s Masque of the Red Death, this epidemic is going to be right inside those gated communities.

Bruno April 30, 2009 at 12:15 pm

I took 3 buses and 2 trains and made a point of sneezing heavily. For some reason this assured me a seat.

Mustang April 30, 2009 at 12:16 pm

“The man has been treated by a doctor and has made a full recovery.”

What? So he was diagnosed this morning and he’s fully recovered now? This swine flu is lame.

Monsieur Grumpe April 30, 2009 at 12:16 pm

I’m staying safe by slathering myself from head to toe in hand sanitizer gel every hour. It kind of tingles in the nether regions, but not in a bad way.

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:17 pm

[re=304586]freakishlystrong[/re]: those license plates ARE appealing.

Bruno April 30, 2009 at 12:17 pm

Is it time to Duct Tape our windows? (buy duct tape stock – the pig flu is the new chemical biological attack likely to hit small town America)

Country Club Jihadi April 30, 2009 at 12:23 pm

I drive to work, but the valets at my garage are Messican. What kind of invisible pig-spooge in on my steering wheel? Gah-ross.

middlegirl April 30, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Joe is adorable but this is plain dumb.

freakishlystrong April 30, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=304599]Doglessliberal[/re]: Aren’t they? I’m going to buy a new Chrysler to match mine!

Rary Guppert April 30, 2009 at 12:25 pm

[re=304593]Bruno[/re]: not only do i sneeze, i make it a point of saying “swineflu!” with my sneeze, the way some people use sneezes to fake-say “bullshit.” after the next stop i get the whole bus to myself.

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:26 pm

OK, I have a question. All the cases in the US have been incredibly mild except the one kid who died, and he had come from Mexico. For some reason, it is killing Mexicans and no one else.
So, why is it not named the “Tom Tancredo virus”?

Johnny Zhivago April 30, 2009 at 12:28 pm

I see in Egypt they are mistakenly slaughtering all pigs…

Good thing they DIDN’T name this “Mexican Flu”

Serolf Divad April 30, 2009 at 12:31 pm


Or Lou Dobbs Disease.

Min April 30, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Hey, is that yellow stuff covering my car swine flu virus? ‘Cause it sure as hell is making me sneeze.

ManchuCandidate April 30, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Ever took a whiff of Mexico City Air? Don’t.

Lungs, damaged by years of “chewing” on air so polluted that it would turn Sen Inhofe into an environmentalist, and are flooded with mucus from a new flu strain are a bad mix.

Dr Tobias Funke April 30, 2009 at 12:33 pm

fuck fuck fuck those world bank pig fuckers take the same fucking metro stop as me

DustBowlBlues April 30, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Shhhh–Do not tell the House Republicans. And definitely, keep this news from Inhofe and Coburn.

Pig Plague Saves Oklahoma! (To elect two more dickwads).

Hmmmm Going to a dinner tonight where one of their staffers will be. I live in a rural community–I think I’m seeing a secret plot in my future.

I will be so sad if the pig plague actually gets this person and Ken gives me up to the FBI. Talk about being superbanned.

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=304637]Serolf Divad[/re]: yes!

sezme April 30, 2009 at 12:34 pm

What was that odd groaning sound at 1:15? Was that the sound of Matt Lauer coming?

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:35 pm

[re=304639]ManchuCandidate[/re]: good point, but you would think air in NYC was pretty shitty, too, and I KNOW it is around DC. But you are right, not quite to the level where you can cut it with a knife yet.

V572625694 April 30, 2009 at 12:36 pm

The religious crazies in the middle east (Muslins and “ultra-orthodox” Jews)are wanting it called something else because they think people won’t report it if it’s called swine flu. [re=304637]Serolf Divad[/re]‘s suggestion (Lou Dobbs’ disease) seems perfect.

bitchincamaro April 30, 2009 at 12:37 pm

[re=304583]Doglessliberal[/re]: My daughter’s flying to France tomorrow. I reminded her she’s got a Mexico stamp in her passport from spring break. Wonder if they’ll even let her in. Merde.

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:37 pm

[re=304639]ManchuCandidate[/re]: but as to Inhofe, no way. He will be on the Senate floor up to his neck in water, with polar bears floating by, loudly declaiming that global warning is a liberal lie.

Doglessliberal April 30, 2009 at 12:39 pm

[re=304653]bitchincamaro[/re]: They will unless she is hacking away and with a fever. Then they pull her aside and ask some questions and test her spit. The media (and Joe Biden) are the ones raising the panic level here.

DustBowlBlues April 30, 2009 at 12:40 pm

The Egyptians are killing all the pigs and the workers in Mexico City are wondering how they’re going to feed their families with all the businesses shut down. Is it just me, or is there a big win-win in this one?

bitchincamaro April 30, 2009 at 12:40 pm

[re=304593]Bruno[/re]: In the NYC subway, everybody’s sneezing and hacking due to allergies, but if you look remotely Mexican, people scatter like roaches.

groove April 30, 2009 at 12:44 pm

[re=304639]ManchuCandidate[/re]: See, here’s what I don’t get. They CDC and WHO are like “We don’t know anything about this or why it’s only killing Mexicans!” And yet anyone of reasoned intellect can posit that, hey, maybe it has to do with the shitty Mexico City air?

I mean, to me, it’s a reasonable hypothesis, but apparently all these “doctors” with their “years” of “training” in “medicine” are running around completely clueless.

sati demise April 30, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Make your hobo will now.

You can write it on a scrap of newspaper.
list the date-say you are not crazy-sign it!

V572625694 April 30, 2009 at 12:50 pm

[re=304671]groove[/re]: Who doesn’t like chunky-style air?

JamesMichaelCurley April 30, 2009 at 12:52 pm

[re=304584]Serolf Divad[/re]: Get two Xbox 360′s since one will definitely get the “Red Ring of Death” within three months.

picadillythirds April 30, 2009 at 12:58 pm Very informative. I think I will stop watching “The Stand” on repeat now and crying out for Mother Abigail.

Mista Eko April 30, 2009 at 1:10 pm

five….five level…..five level pandemiiiiiiiiiiic

trondant April 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Goddamnit Jim, if you don’t remind us to buy AMMO when we buy our liquor, we’re fucked. We need some leadership here, man.

takes12no1 April 30, 2009 at 1:33 pm

[re=304631]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Win!

DNotApply April 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm

Slaughtering pigs in Egypt? That is so Old Testament.

BlueStateLibtard April 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm

Not fly on planes? Yes,I’m sure the bosses of the poor office-drone class will totally understand. “Of course you can cancel your Tuesday trip to Boise because you might get swine flu.”

Deepthroat April 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Jim Newell’s words are a thing of beauty.

Cranky Little Camperette April 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm

[re=304660]bitchincamaro[/re]: My allergies have been totally out of control this past week and I am completely miserable and even more of a cranky little camperette, and I am goddam sick and tired of everyone on the Metro giving me the Typhoid-Mary-death-glare.

I say, screw ‘em. Let ‘em think I have the Swine Flu. Panic, puny humans! PANIC!!!

Bruno April 30, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Anyone who doesn’t want to die a virgin, give me a call

fraudfix May 1, 2009 at 12:28 pm

OK guys. It was me! I am the PIGFUCKER!!

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