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Everyone In DC To Die Of Pig Flu, Too

Here’s Joe Biden this morning telling us all that we’re going to die if we travel in confined spaces (2:35 in). Hooray! And better yet, the swine flu has finally “come home” to our nation’s capital, Washington, after some slob at the World Bank (*shakes fist at World Bank*) went to Mexico, fucked a pig, and came back to our fairest city with this Pig AIDS. So hey people in DC, liquidate yr bank accounts and buy booze and we’ll hold a big orgy on the Mall tonight before we all die tomorrow. On the upside, this will fix the economy! The death of all humans, that is. [AP]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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47 comments

  1. Doglessliberal

    They really need to not let him talk. Did he not watch the presser last night? Way to panic everyone, Joe. Jeebus.

    (and as someone who is flying to Southern California next weekend, I refuse to be afraid. I will NOT get this shitty illness.)

  2. Serolf Divad

    That’s it. I’m locking myself up in my safe room. I’ve got 50 liters of purified water. 3 months of MREs, and a brand new Xbox 360. I need nothing else.

  3. Terry

    “So hey people in DC, liquidate yr bank accounts and buy booze and we’ll hold a big orgy on the Mall tonight before we all die tomorrow.”

    Uh, isn’t that a normal Thursday night in DC?

  4. Cape Clod

    [re=304584]Serolf Divad[/re]: Do you need duct tape? I still have five cases leftover from the time Tom Ridge told us to go out and stock up on it.

  5. Terry

    “We always knew that the World Bank was behind the end of the world.”

    Yeah, but since most World Bank employees seem to think that it’s too dangerous to live outside of Potomac, Great Falls, or Chevy Chase, I think most of us are fine. Like in Poe’s Masque of the Red Death, this epidemic is going to be right inside those gated communities.

  6. Bruno

    I took 3 buses and 2 trains and made a point of sneezing heavily. For some reason this assured me a seat.

  7. Mustang

    “The man has been treated by a doctor and has made a full recovery.”

    What? So he was diagnosed this morning and he’s fully recovered now? This swine flu is lame.

  8. Monsieur Grumpe

    I’m staying safe by slathering myself from head to toe in hand sanitizer gel every hour. It kind of tingles in the nether regions, but not in a bad way.

  9. Bruno

    Is it time to Duct Tape our windows? (buy duct tape stock – the pig flu is the new chemical biological attack likely to hit small town America)

  10. Country Club Jihadi

    I drive to work, but the valets at my garage are Messican. What kind of invisible pig-spooge in on my steering wheel? Gah-ross.

  11. freakishlystrong

    [re=304599]Doglessliberal[/re]: Aren’t they? I’m going to buy a new Chrysler to match mine!

  12. Rary Guppert

    [re=304593]Bruno[/re]: not only do i sneeze, i make it a point of saying “swineflu!” with my sneeze, the way some people use sneezes to fake-say “bullshit.” after the next stop i get the whole bus to myself.

  13. Doglessliberal

    OK, I have a question. All the cases in the US have been incredibly mild except the one kid who died, and he had come from Mexico. For some reason, it is killing Mexicans and no one else.
    So, why is it not named the “Tom Tancredo virus”?

  14. Johnny Zhivago

    I see in Egypt they are mistakenly slaughtering all pigs…

    Good thing they DIDN’T name this “Mexican Flu”

  15. Min

    Hey, is that yellow stuff covering my car swine flu virus? ‘Cause it sure as hell is making me sneeze.

  16. ManchuCandidate

    [re=304625]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Ever took a whiff of Mexico City Air? Don’t.

    Lungs, damaged by years of “chewing” on air so polluted that it would turn Sen Inhofe into an environmentalist, and are flooded with mucus from a new flu strain are a bad mix.

  17. DustBowlBlues

    Shhhh–Do not tell the House Republicans. And definitely, keep this news from Inhofe and Coburn.

    Pig Plague Saves Oklahoma! (To elect two more dickwads).

    Hmmmm Going to a dinner tonight where one of their staffers will be. I live in a rural community–I think I’m seeing a secret plot in my future.

    I will be so sad if the pig plague actually gets this person and Ken gives me up to the FBI. Talk about being superbanned.

  18. Doglessliberal

    [re=304639]ManchuCandidate[/re]: good point, but you would think air in NYC was pretty shitty, too, and I KNOW it is around DC. But you are right, not quite to the level where you can cut it with a knife yet.

  19. V572625694

    The religious crazies in the middle east (Muslins and “ultra-orthodox” Jews)are wanting it called something else because they think people won’t report it if it’s called swine flu. [re=304637]Serolf Divad[/re]‘s suggestion (Lou Dobbs’ disease) seems perfect.

  20. bitchincamaro

    [re=304583]Doglessliberal[/re]: My daughter’s flying to France tomorrow. I reminded her she’s got a Mexico stamp in her passport from spring break. Wonder if they’ll even let her in. Merde.

  21. Doglessliberal

    [re=304639]ManchuCandidate[/re]: but as to Inhofe, no way. He will be on the Senate floor up to his neck in water, with polar bears floating by, loudly declaiming that global warning is a liberal lie.

  22. Doglessliberal

    [re=304653]bitchincamaro[/re]: They will unless she is hacking away and with a fever. Then they pull her aside and ask some questions and test her spit. The media (and Joe Biden) are the ones raising the panic level here.

  23. DustBowlBlues

    The Egyptians are killing all the pigs and the workers in Mexico City are wondering how they’re going to feed their families with all the businesses shut down. Is it just me, or is there a big win-win in this one?

  24. bitchincamaro

    [re=304593]Bruno[/re]: In the NYC subway, everybody’s sneezing and hacking due to allergies, but if you look remotely Mexican, people scatter like roaches.

  25. groove

    [re=304639]ManchuCandidate[/re]: See, here’s what I don’t get. They CDC and WHO are like “We don’t know anything about this or why it’s only killing Mexicans!” And yet anyone of reasoned intellect can posit that, hey, maybe it has to do with the shitty Mexico City air?

    I mean, to me, it’s a reasonable hypothesis, but apparently all these “doctors” with their “years” of “training” in “medicine” are running around completely clueless.

  26. sati demise

    Make your hobo will now.

    You can write it on a scrap of newspaper.
    list the date-say you are not crazy-sign it!

  27. JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=304584]Serolf Divad[/re]: Get two Xbox 360′s since one will definitely get the “Red Ring of Death” within three months.

  28. trondant

    Goddamnit Jim, if you don’t remind us to buy AMMO when we buy our liquor, we’re fucked. We need some leadership here, man.

  29. BlueStateLibtard

    Not fly on planes? Yes,I’m sure the bosses of the poor office-drone class will totally understand. “Of course you can cancel your Tuesday trip to Boise because you might get swine flu.”

  30. Cranky Little Camperette

    [re=304660]bitchincamaro[/re]: My allergies have been totally out of control this past week and I am completely miserable and even more of a cranky little camperette, and I am goddam sick and tired of everyone on the Metro giving me the Typhoid-Mary-death-glare.

    I say, screw ‘em. Let ‘em think I have the Swine Flu. Panic, puny humans! PANIC!!!

Comments are closed.