• May 27, 2012

Richmond Remainders: Washington’s Would-Be Tomb!

by Sara K. Smith  10:00 am April 30, 2009

Washington really WAS bigger than other peopleSo no less than three (3) Richmond people told us that we just HAD to go visit the Hollywood Cemetery, where Jim Morrison is buried, because nowhere else will you see such an outstanding specimen of pastoral cemetery design. Of course we had no time to visit this ghoulish wasteland of cadavers, so we saw the next best thing: a monument to George Washington, located just outside the Virginia State House. This monument included a little door in the bottom to put Washington’s corpse in, but then obviously Washington was too big to fit through it (he is at the top there). Plus he was already dead and buried up at Mount Vernon, so now they use the little hobbit-door for storing wine and ripe cheeses.

We also heard there was a nifty tunnel you could visit, wherein rests a train that was crushed when the tunnel collapsed a million years ago. The six people killed in the accident were removed, and historical re-enactors replaced their bodies with the exhumed bones of random dead people found around Richmond. (Ha ha that is a joke, do not come after us Richmond Tourism Authorities!)

These people are all virgins.
The point is, look at these terrible dorks on Segways. Riding a Segway is a singularly humiliating experience, but hot damn once you get over how insanely queer you look it is the funnest thing in the world. In this sense it is basically like sex, but in public, with a helmet on.

{ 55 comments }

magic titty April 30, 2009 at 10:04 am

There’s a way to have sex, in private, without a helmet?

ManchuCandidate April 30, 2009 at 10:05 am

It seems that the only person who could make a Segway “cool” was Will Arnett aka “GOB” Bluth.

rambone April 30, 2009 at 10:07 am

You know the hardest thing about riding a Segway? Telling your parents that you’re the ghey. Also.

hobospacejunkie April 30, 2009 at 10:07 am

We would prefer pictures of you two having sex in public, helmet or not. Insanely queer or not. Because that would be the funnest thing in the world. For us.

magic titty April 30, 2009 at 10:09 am

Did they make you wear those ridiculous tee shirts, or was it just a very regrettable group decision?

SmutBoffin April 30, 2009 at 10:11 am

What, no fanny packs and insane, airbrushed denim jackets? What kinda tourists are you?

Noonan April 30, 2009 at 10:11 am

Wait a minute, that’s you and Newell. If I remember right, last week would refute your alt-text.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 30, 2009 at 10:14 am

A ginger with a helmet! Can synchronized clog dancing be far off?

facehead April 30, 2009 at 10:15 am

[re=304423]magic titty[/re]: if by “helmet” you mean a quorum of government sex cops secretly watching you, no.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 10:17 am

You mentioned Hollywood Cemetery!!!!! Just like I wanted you to visit!! I almost had an aneurysm when I came to the blog and saw that name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This proves my letters to Wonkette begging them to visit really were read, Wonkette Claus is real and dreams really do come true! Does this mean Wonkette’s forthcoming series “All the Presidents Graves” has been approved and is at hand?! Let’s start a teabag protest of support for it here in the comments section!!

Cape Clod April 30, 2009 at 10:19 am

You guys look so cute! No. That’s not the right word. Stupid. That’s it.

Splurgos April 30, 2009 at 10:21 am

What’s Newell looking at?

Cicada April 30, 2009 at 10:26 am

[re=304442]Splurgos[/re]: The bright, Segway-filled future. A place where no one ever has to walk more than twenty feet and the rivers flow with nacho-cheese.

freakishlystrong April 30, 2009 at 10:27 am

Ummm…Oh dear.

sleepy April 30, 2009 at 10:28 am

nice jorts.

pondscum April 30, 2009 at 10:29 am

Wow. I hope you got some really great swag for this.

smartypants April 30, 2009 at 10:30 am

When you’re done riding around on that large penis, I would respectfully request that you help rid the world of the following horribly annoying words, list of which includes (but by no means limited to):

Meme
Segue
Inchoate
Cloture

They’re everywhere and they’re being abused, mispelled and mispronounced (Hell, I think I might have mispelled segue).

I can’t take it anymore and I’m going to eat a Smithfield if something isn’t done about it.

WadISay April 30, 2009 at 10:40 am

You’re lucky that whoever posed you for the Segway picture didn’t tell you, oh yeah, you need to wear these big long shoes to ride these, little round rubber nose protectors, and Newell needs to wear a Cat-in-the-Hat hat on top of his helmet.

SayItWithWookies April 30, 2009 at 10:41 am

Okay, I told you to visit Hollywood Cemetery, but I told you to do it drunk, so there’s a quantitative difference — it’s much more authentic. Here, alcohol and death go together like puppies and chainsaws.

[re=304452]smartypants[/re]: Also, misspelled. Smartypants.

MisterLoki April 30, 2009 at 10:42 am

Theory: If anyone can look cute riding a Segway it is SKS.

Result: No one can look cute riding a Segway.

smartypants April 30, 2009 at 10:47 am

[re=304464]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh,GODDDDD. It’s the brain seeeerrruuummmmmm……

smartypants April 30, 2009 at 10:48 am

[re=304464]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Heh.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 10:51 am

[re=304464]SayItWithWookies[/re]: We must be soulmates. Care to join the underground Wonkette project I suggested “All the Presidents’ Graves”? I think it’d be a lot more interesting if we coupled the original idea with your innovation to do it all drunk. We will win a Pulitzer.

WagTehGod April 30, 2009 at 10:59 am

[re=304442]Splurgos[/re]: I don’t think he’s looking at something, I think he got caught up in that Army green helmet of his and tried to salute someone. Beats bowing to a Saudi king, I suppose.

darbyogill April 30, 2009 at 11:02 am

I still hold out the thin hope that Newell and SKS will fall in love and get married, the end. They’re so cute.

Min April 30, 2009 at 11:02 am

It’s not the Segways that make you look dorky. It’s the matching yellow T-shirts.

Prommie April 30, 2009 at 11:12 am

Dorkasaurus Erectus. Also.

Brendan M. April 30, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=304503]Min[/re]: No, it totally is the Segways that make them look dorky. And the matching t-shirts. And those lame helmets. And their faces.

thefrontpage April 30, 2009 at 11:41 am

Please–enough with the dog and pony show!

Let’s get back to the real news!

PerhapsSo April 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=304485]Vartan84[/re]: I would actually be down with the presidential grave thing. Cemeteries don’t freak me out, I’m too poor for a normal person’s vacation, and I’m a nerd.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=304557]thefrontpage[/re]: I hope this is sarcasm.

RabidHamster April 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=304533]Brendan M.[/re]: Hey now, not all Segways are an embarrassment . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9fb45nYVFs . . . okay, yes they are. Still, with some TruckNutz, these could actually be kind of fun to ride.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 12:17 pm

[re=304588]PerhapsSo[/re]: Haha I’m too poor for a normal vacation too AND I am writing to you from an office which is (almost) literally burning down as I type! Layoffs are flying fast and furious and we are all gathered around the huge windows watching the tsunami of failure barreling towards the office. So off to Presidential cemeteries for me! For example did you know Millard Fillmore is buried in Buffalo. BUFFALO?! Same cemetery as Rick James though so truth IS stranger than fiction!

PerhapsSo April 30, 2009 at 12:24 pm

[re=304600]Vartan84[/re]: If it is burning down, you may want to consider leaving the building by way of the stairs.

I will know if I still have a job within the next couple of months. yay, budget time.

Joehoya April 30, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Of course Washington wouldn’t fit in there. He’s 6 foot, 20, fucking killing for fun.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 12:29 pm

[re=304615]PerhapsSo[/re]: Don’t worry PerhapsSo, I am waiting for the before-mentioned tsunami of trouble to hit us as to extinguish any remaining flames of ferocious failure. You still have a job? That means you get to pay for the gas as we drive the country blogging for “All the Presidents’ Graves”.

PerhapsSo April 30, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=304633]Vartan84[/re]: Can we hit up Ben Franklin’s, too? Not a president, but he’s local for me.

frailamerica April 30, 2009 at 12:44 pm

[re=304633]Vartan84[/re]:

Blogging all the Presidents’ graves…I’m on that shit already: http://www.presidentialgraves.com/graves/virginia

Prommie April 30, 2009 at 12:44 pm

[re=304646]PerhapsSo[/re]: Ben Franklin is the only President of the United States who was never President of the United States. He runs a good 5 and 10 store, too. Also.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 12:45 pm

[re=304646]PerhapsSo[/re]: Well imagine that, I was just down in Old City a block from B. F. two weekends ago. I’m not actually a DCer I just play one on the internets. Everyone knows Philadelphia is better, where else can you stumble by the ORIGINAL White House in a drunken stupor but in my hometown Philadelphia!?
P.S. what is this indestructable Philadelphia job you have because I desperately will be needing one soon.

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 12:48 pm

[re=304673]frailamerica[/re]: Good Lord frailamerica why you gotsta go and steal my thunder, wtf mate?! But I see that your blogging of their graves doesn’t seem to come with any sort of wittysnarky Sara Kremlin Smithesque humor, so there is still hope for my project!! Also the pics must be on flickr or something because the WebSense filter here at work doesn’t let me see them.

Origami April 30, 2009 at 12:56 pm

SKS: Too cool to use the chin strap.

PerhapsSo April 30, 2009 at 1:09 pm

[re=304673]frailamerica[/re]: I think that you just broke Vartan’s will to live.

[re=304675]Vartan84[/re]: City government job. We’ll see about indestructible. The threat of losing my job should probably motivate me, but instead it’s put me in a wonkette-lurking malaise. Finished my lunch now, though, so I should probably do some work. Bah humbug.

Bruno April 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Attention TRAILBLAZER Burris – this is how you do it. Style, class, elegance, no zombies. Lear from example.

Gallowglass April 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Every person in that picture is thinking “Zoom zoom!”

Bruno April 30, 2009 at 1:21 pm

I love both of you, but I have to admit there is nothing more frightening to a troubled child than bloggers on Segways. I hope the Segways were given to you for free following use of them (bizness expense)

Bruno April 30, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Jim has the right idea, transitions lenses – you 2 should follow his lead. I am a strong advocate,after sitting through many meetings with Arabs wearing mirrored sunglasses. If they can get away with it, so can we.

frailamerica April 30, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=304679]Vartan84[/re]: The images are hosted via flickr. I wasn’t aware companies block the flickr! That’s just wrong.

Anyway, I plan to add commentary for each grave, but I just haven’t had the time. Though I don’t know how snarky it could possibly be. You know, out of respect, or whatever.

Dr Tobias Funke April 30, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=304434]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: WIN

Vartan84 April 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm

[re=304770]frailamerica[/re]: Oh I didn’t mean snark the presidents, just be snarky in general. It’s much easier being vague and indistinct when you are pitching an idea than actually carrying it out, which is why I intend to forever pitch and never follow through.
But please never add commentary because that would complete the endeavor and leave me completely devastated. Please Wonkette, pick up “All the Presidents’ Graves” soon so I can get to work before frailamerica beats me to it!

frailamerica April 30, 2009 at 2:18 pm

[re=304792]Vartan84[/re]: Bad move making it a competition. That only makes me want to do it more.

Lazy Media April 30, 2009 at 2:34 pm

I have suspected that riding a Segway would be totally fun, but after seeing how retarded the tourists look on them in DC, I haven’t been able to bring myself to rent one. They should have special one-person-at-a-time rentals, in secluded rural areas, at midnight.

assistant/atlas April 30, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Look at this, two questions spring to mind:

How drunk were the tourism people when they thought this was a good idea?

And how drunk were you two when you agreed to wear the matching shirts?

secretagentgirl April 30, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Someone explain the joke to me. Jim Morrison is buried in Paris (as the link suggests) not Richmond. I hate not getting the joke… except those segway people– they really do look like dildos.

TheVeryHungryCaterpillar April 30, 2009 at 8:35 pm

[re=304423]In this sense it is basically like sex, but in public, with a helmet on.[/re]

Um…there’s other kinds of sex?

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