Wonkette
So no less than three (3) Richmond people told us that we just HAD to go visit the Hollywood Cemetery, where Jim Morrison is buried, because nowhere else will you see such an outstanding specimen of pastoral cemetery design. Of course we had no time to visit this ghoulish wasteland of cadavers, so we saw the next best thing: a monument to George Washington, located just outside the Virginia State House. This monument included a little door in the bottom to put Washington’s corpse in, but then obviously Washington was too big to fit through it (he is at the top there). Plus he was already dead and buried up at Mount Vernon, so now they use the little hobbit-door for storing wine and ripe cheeses.
We also heard there was a nifty tunnel you could visit, wherein rests a train that was crushed when the tunnel collapsed a million years ago. The six people killed in the accident were removed, and historical re-enactors replaced their bodies with the exhumed bones of random dead people found around Richmond. (Ha ha that is a joke, do not come after us Richmond Tourism Authorities!)
The point is, look at these terrible dorks on Segways. Riding a Segway is a singularly humiliating experience, but hot damn once you get over how insanely queer you look it is the funnest thing in the world. In this sense it is basically like sex, but in public, with a helmet on.
There’s a way to have sex, in private, without a helmet?
It seems that the only person who could make a Segway “cool” was Will Arnett aka “GOB” Bluth.
You know the hardest thing about riding a Segway? Telling your parents that you’re the ghey. Also.
We would prefer pictures of you two having sex in public, helmet or not. Insanely queer or not. Because that would be the funnest thing in the world. For us.
Did they make you wear those ridiculous tee shirts, or was it just a very regrettable group decision?
What, no fanny packs and insane, airbrushed denim jackets? What kinda tourists are you?
Wait a minute, that’s you and Newell. If I remember right, last week would refute your alt-text.
A ginger with a helmet! Can synchronized clog dancing be far off?
magic titty: if by “helmet” you mean a quorum of government sex cops secretly watching you, no.
You mentioned Hollywood Cemetery!!!!! Just like I wanted you to visit!! I almost had an aneurysm when I came to the blog and saw that name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This proves my letters to Wonkette begging them to visit really were read, Wonkette Claus is real and dreams really do come true! Does this mean Wonkette’s forthcoming series “All the Presidents Graves” has been approved and is at hand?! Let’s start a teabag protest of support for it here in the comments section!!
You guys look so cute! No. That’s not the right word. Stupid. That’s it.
What’s Newell looking at?
Splurgos: The bright, Segway-filled future. A place where no one ever has to walk more than twenty feet and the rivers flow with nacho-cheese.
Ummm…Oh dear.
nice jorts.
Wow. I hope you got some really great swag for this.
When you’re done riding around on that large penis, I would respectfully request that you help rid the world of the following horribly annoying words, list of which includes (but by no means limited to):
Meme
Segue
Inchoate
Cloture
They’re everywhere and they’re being abused, mispelled and mispronounced (Hell, I think I might have mispelled segue).
I can’t take it anymore and I’m going to eat a Smithfield if something isn’t done about it.
You’re lucky that whoever posed you for the Segway picture didn’t tell you, oh yeah, you need to wear these big long shoes to ride these, little round rubber nose protectors, and Newell needs to wear a Cat-in-the-Hat hat on top of his helmet.
Okay, I told you to visit Hollywood Cemetery, but I told you to do it drunk, so there’s a quantitative difference — it’s much more authentic. Here, alcohol and death go together like puppies and chainsaws.
smartypants: Also, misspelled. Smartypants.
Theory: If anyone can look cute riding a Segway it is SKS.
Result: No one can look cute riding a Segway.
SayItWithWookies: Oh,GODDDDD. It’s the brain seeeerrruuummmmmm……
SayItWithWookies: Heh.
SayItWithWookies: We must be soulmates. Care to join the underground Wonkette project I suggested “All the Presidents’ Graves”? I think it’d be a lot more interesting if we coupled the original idea with your innovation to do it all drunk. We will win a Pulitzer.
Splurgos: I don’t think he’s looking at something, I think he got caught up in that Army green helmet of his and tried to salute someone. Beats bowing to a Saudi king, I suppose.
I still hold out the thin hope that Newell and SKS will fall in love and get married, the end. They’re so cute.
It’s not the Segways that make you look dorky. It’s the matching yellow T-shirts.
Dorkasaurus Erectus. Also.
Min: No, it totally is the Segways that make them look dorky. And the matching t-shirts. And those lame helmets. And their faces.
Please–enough with the dog and pony show!
Let’s get back to the real news!
Vartan84: I would actually be down with the presidential grave thing. Cemeteries don’t freak me out, I’m too poor for a normal person’s vacation, and I’m a nerd.
thefrontpage: I hope this is sarcasm.
Brendan M.: Hey now, not all Segways are an embarrassment . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9fb45nYVFs . . . okay, yes they are. Still, with some TruckNutz, these could actually be kind of fun to ride.
PerhapsSo: Haha I’m too poor for a normal vacation too AND I am writing to you from an office which is (almost) literally burning down as I type! Layoffs are flying fast and furious and we are all gathered around the huge windows watching the tsunami of failure barreling towards the office. So off to Presidential cemeteries for me! For example did you know Millard Fillmore is buried in Buffalo. BUFFALO?! Same cemetery as Rick James though so truth IS stranger than fiction!
Vartan84: If it is burning down, you may want to consider leaving the building by way of the stairs.
I will know if I still have a job within the next couple of months. yay, budget time.
Of course Washington wouldn’t fit in there. He’s 6 foot, 20, fucking killing for fun.
PerhapsSo: Don’t worry PerhapsSo, I am waiting for the before-mentioned tsunami of trouble to hit us as to extinguish any remaining flames of ferocious failure. You still have a job? That means you get to pay for the gas as we drive the country blogging for “All the Presidents’ Graves”.
Vartan84: Can we hit up Ben Franklin’s, too? Not a president, but he’s local for me.
Vartan84:
Blogging all the Presidents’ graves…I’m on that shit already: http://www.presidentialgraves.com/graves/virginia
PerhapsSo: Ben Franklin is the only President of the United States who was never President of the United States. He runs a good 5 and 10 store, too. Also.
PerhapsSo: Well imagine that, I was just down in Old City a block from B. F. two weekends ago. I’m not actually a DCer I just play one on the internets. Everyone knows Philadelphia is better, where else can you stumble by the ORIGINAL White House in a drunken stupor but in my hometown Philadelphia!?
P.S. what is this indestructable Philadelphia job you have because I desperately will be needing one soon.
frailamerica: Good Lord frailamerica why you gotsta go and steal my thunder, wtf mate?! But I see that your blogging of their graves doesn’t seem to come with any sort of wittysnarky Sara Kremlin Smithesque humor, so there is still hope for my project!! Also the pics must be on flickr or something because the WebSense filter here at work doesn’t let me see them.
SKS: Too cool to use the chin strap.
frailamerica: I think that you just broke Vartan’s will to live.
Vartan84: City government job. We’ll see about indestructible. The threat of losing my job should probably motivate me, but instead it’s put me in a wonkette-lurking malaise. Finished my lunch now, though, so I should probably do some work. Bah humbug.
Attention TRAILBLAZER Burris - this is how you do it. Style, class, elegance, no zombies. Lear from example.
Every person in that picture is thinking “Zoom zoom!”
I love both of you, but I have to admit there is nothing more frightening to a troubled child than bloggers on Segways. I hope the Segways were given to you for free following use of them (bizness expense)
Jim has the right idea, transitions lenses - you 2 should follow his lead. I am a strong advocate,after sitting through many meetings with Arabs wearing mirrored sunglasses. If they can get away with it, so can we.
Vartan84: The images are hosted via flickr. I wasn’t aware companies block the flickr! That’s just wrong.
Anyway, I plan to add commentary for each grave, but I just haven’t had the time. Though I don’t know how snarky it could possibly be. You know, out of respect, or whatever.
Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!: WIN
frailamerica: Oh I didn’t mean snark the presidents, just be snarky in general. It’s much easier being vague and indistinct when you are pitching an idea than actually carrying it out, which is why I intend to forever pitch and never follow through.
But please never add commentary because that would complete the endeavor and leave me completely devastated. Please Wonkette, pick up “All the Presidents’ Graves” soon so I can get to work before frailamerica beats me to it!
Vartan84: Bad move making it a competition. That only makes me want to do it more.
I have suspected that riding a Segway would be totally fun, but after seeing how retarded the tourists look on them in DC, I haven’t been able to bring myself to rent one. They should have special one-person-at-a-time rentals, in secluded rural areas, at midnight.
Look at this, two questions spring to mind:
How drunk were the tourism people when they thought this was a good idea?
And how drunk were you two when you agreed to wear the matching shirts?
Someone explain the joke to me. Jim Morrison is buried in Paris (as the link suggests) not Richmond. I hate not getting the joke… except those segway people– they really do look like dildos.
In this sense it is basically like sex, but in public, with a helmet on.
Um…there’s other kinds of sex?