For dinner last night on our Wonkette Travel Journalism Tour through Virginia, we went to the best Italian restaurant in the South! Unfortunately Arlen Specter had shown up earlier to vomit all over the floor, earlier. But that made for good eatin’! What else is here, in Virginia? Just some Muslins.

Here’s Sara at Richmond’s “greasy spoon diner,” Purley’s, with ghosts! All of the food down here is made of gravy and cheese grease, and chicken, and Brownies.

We went to the Jefferson Vineyards around 11 a.m. this morning to get drunk. The entire local Charlottesville press corps from important newspapers and television stations was there, filming us for Internet videos.

Chugged all of this, made a scene.

Whoa hey it’s the brand new Visitors’ Center at Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s mosque!

Thomas Jefferson’s spoiled frat boy son, “Tanner.”

They didn’t have the “real” Thomas Jefferson Muslin Bible there, but there was this thing with raining question marks on the teevee screen. “Alcoran,” the snob called it.

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson’s work was greatly influenced by the homosexual nation, France? Look at all of those French things, like flowers.

Sara literally had third-bases with this bronze French mastiff, in front of everyone.

The Michie (pronounced “Choire”) Inn, right down the country road from Monticello, is an 18th-century Dining Tavernne, and features a delicious buffet with stewed tomatoes and the colonial libation Root-Beer.

And then Sara peeled off the skins and used them to wash her armpits.

In case we do not write any other posts about this, thank you to the wonderful people from the Virginia Tourism Corporation, the Richmond Metropolitan Convention & Visitors Bureau, Mount Vernon, Monticello and the Thomas Jefferson Foundation, the Charlottesville Albemarle Convention & Visitors Bureau, and all of the other folks who worked so hard to give us free stuff for the last two days. We encourage everyone to visit Virginia’s many things, truly. They did not pay us to say this. Except for maybe all of the free stuff. But Virginia is great and everyone — these overworked folks — were too nice, the end.

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  1. Sorry you had to have a lousy culinary experience. Next time you’ll have to patronize Mama’Zu, one of the best Italian places on the east coast. They didn’t take you there because they take no reservations and parties of four or more eat family-style because they have two four-burner stoves for the whole place. I had lunch there with my friend Mike once and we just decided to kill the afternoon. We were drinking cheap wine when this waitress comes up from the basement with a rockfish as big as she was hanging from a bicycle hook and split open from chin to tail. Sitting in a corner was Dirt Woman, Richmond’s answer to Divine (I swear I am not making this up) who peels garlic for them and does about a twenty-pound bag every afternoon. I had just had a huge bowl of penne gorgonzola and was practically incoherent with wine and food and early spring. At that moment I knew I was going to die happy, no matter what else happened.

  2. The second picture shows just how much faster a typical Southerner is, compared with those Northern elite liberal types.

    The problem is, when Southerners slow things (like their speech) down for the benefit of Yankees, they tend to overshoot. So they get this undeserved reputation.

  3. Mkay, but what I want to know is, why is “Tanner” trying to feel himself up, top side outside? At least that’s what it looks like he is doing to me.

    Also. I will never look at fried chicken skins the same way again. also. ew. also.

  4. [re=304245]Brendan M.[/re]: I’m sorry. That last part was mean.

    And completely untrue. SKS does not have the crazy/frantic Bachmann monstrosities. Those are a sign of borderline psychosis. That and the crazy shit that comes out of her brain.

  5. [re=304283]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: You know you’re in for a great dining experience when the “Pardon Our Mess” sign is prominently displayed. Purly’s, alas, is sort of a local institution — been here forever, the place burned down a few years ago and they rebuilt. It’s the sorta place Mary Richards would always go to even if she couldn’t stand the food. But I’m just kidding the place — hell it’ll be here long after I’m gone, probably.

  6. Why is Tanner feeling himself up when he could be having hot secks with the slave hanging upside down behind him? You know, upholding the Jefferson family honor and all?

  7. [re=304250]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Good God, is Dirt Woman still around? I haven’t seen s/he since the summer of ’92 when I spent a month in Richmond for some playwriting workshop. I spent three straight summers at that workshop with other teenagers and we always got such a kick out of the fact that Dirt Woman even existed. You have to remember we had all grown up around Virginia and transvestites were simply not seen outside of the VCU campus.

    Now that I’ve lived in L.A. for twelve years my horizons, needless to say, have expanded.

  8. [re=304310]imissopus[/re]: Yeah, he’s still around, though he pretty much goes by Donnie now and only dresses in drag once a year for the Ham-a-Ganza (that’s a food bank benefit).

  9. I love Virginia! It’s my fav trip ever also! I’m a Revolutionary War buff. Williamsburg is the best (& most romantic) trip ever (everything is by candlelight, & they come & sing at your table, songs from 1776! Cool! I’m sorry I never went to Monticello, although my friend went to U.VA, & I visited often. Shenandoah Mountains are also fantastic, as is Virginia Beach (very clean)

  10. Hey, I was over yonder masturbating (talking to myself), about the Goonies, & all of the sudden it was me, myself & I. I really know how to clear a room!

  11. [re=304327]grevillea[/re]: “Why does she have this Twitter account? Because there are so many lies and distortions in the media, that she needs a way to counteract those things quickly.”

    The horror, the horror. Michele Bachmann will be next, I just know it.

  12. [re=304332]chascates[/re]:
    Hey, I was telling Custerwolf about this non toxic flea shampoo where the fleas ingest the shampoo and implode, if you are interested.

  13. Well nite everyone. (Funny I slept thru most of the Press Conference!) It was nice sharing about our lil darlings. Also, I’m glad to be alive, as I was choking on a salad crouton..whew! Custerwolf, Hobo, Chas etc…later :).

  14. [re=304333]Nerdalicious[/re]: Using Revolution once a month seems a lot easier than trying to shampoo one of my cats. And have you heard about using nematodes in the yard to kill fleas? I have a catalog that has that and other organic gardening things as well somewhere.

  15. [re=304333]Nerdalicious[/re]: And merely trying to clip the old Siamese’ nails (she has arthritis and can’t scratch anything) is enough to make me buy 1.75Ls of liquor rather than 750mls.

  16. [re=304336]chascates[/re]:
    Oh yes I have thanks! If you think of the name of the catalog let me know. I’m so weary of chemicals, but I see your point. BTW, how does the Revolution work? I’m assuming they are outdoor kitties.

  17. [re=304337]chascates[/re]:
    Haaaaaaaaaaa! I grew up with a house full of Siamese! I know exactly what you mean. The howling! One got Alzheimer’s, well you can imagine the howling then! I looked this up, they are one of the most long lived breeds, & of course you know how intelligent they are. They are great cats, I nursed a paralyzed one back to health after getting hit by a car. I never gave up, everyone told me to put her to sleep, I refused. I dragged her around on the floor for months, did everything for her & one day she got up & walked! No one could beleve it. She was only 2, & she lived to be like 20 or something. I think I am most proud of that than anything I’ve done in my life. I guess you can see why I’m in the medical field.

  18. [re=304338]Nerdalicious[/re]: I have one outdoor (mainly) and two indoor. Revolution works great for me and kills ear mites as well. One application a month does it. Greatest thing since clumpable litter.

  19. [re=304342]chascates[/re]:
    Fresh Step with Carbon (lavender scent) is the greatest litter ever. If my one wasn’t such a wire chewer I would get the auto kitty pan.

  20. I have trod the portals of this Eastern province of Virgin-ia you speak of as a lad. Its mountains beckoned me and its cities were filled with marvelous inventions and resources ( the auto-mobile and tobbaco, God’s gifts to mankind). I found the populace educated, erudite, and quite obsessed with the God of Jesu, the Messiah and founder of the Papist religion. The inhabitants loved fowl meat mostly imbrued with flour and dipped in what the French call “au-jus”. It was a marvelous time, and the travelings you speak of in this wonderful land beyond the great Appalachian mountains make me yearn to hitch up the carriage and journey to this “land that time hath forgotten”. Bless you for your journal of great electronic speed that hath made me yearn to leave America’s great prairie and search for American civilization’s bosom, and or bosoms, again.

  21. [re=304279]hockeymom[/re]: They can’t post those, or there would be proof that SKS transported a minor across state lines for immoral purposes.

  22. Of course Monticello is French. It even wears a beret. And Thomas Jefferson invented the library there, which he would have called “lieberry,” except that English was not his first language.

  23. [re=304354]Custerwolf[/re]:
    She’s Baaaaack! The juxtaposition between Edywin’s gorgeous prose & my kitty litter post, made my head explode. I thought you choked on a salad crouton like me! Now I can’t sleep because I slept thru most of the Press Conference.

  24. [re=304261]Mahousu[/re]: I met a man from the South recently and noticed he only had one shoe.

    “Pardon me,” I said, “did you lose your shoe?’

    “Nope, found one!” he replied.

  25. Too bad y’all didn’t head over afton mountain to augusta county, where men are men and sheep are afraid. Them republicans over there could should you a thing or two about snark, after they got through beatin’ the crap out of you.

  26. Wonkettes! No, this is NOT satire! At there is a lead story about some loony who is writing a song about ye olde Bubonic Plague Part Deux! She assigns notes to amino acids in the flu! Best story since Larry King twittering. (Although, I do believe in Music Therapy, still how hilarious is this!)
    P.S: I don’t think I want to see any more giant microscopic cells thank you. Jeez.

  27. “The breadth & depth, of your untamed cells furrowing into my marrow.
    How I wish I could quit you with a vaccine.
    But, nay there is none, only thee
    And even the Prez said I have to wash my hands of you.
    I weep.
    The only respite is Tammy Flu.
    But, I want you.
    Waterfalls of tears
    And nasal mucous.

  28. [re=304369]hobospacejunkie[/re]:
    Ahhhhhhh! Scary pic! Welcome. Yes, I never gave up on her & she lived with only a slight limp 12 more years. Yeah, Siamese are amazing. That’s interesting half Tabby.

  29. That couldn’t be authentic Southern fried chicken; there isn’t any gravy on it (is Virginia too fussy for gravy?). Sounds like a fun junket, though. One thing about a junket: the price is right.

  30. [re=304373]BB[/re]: no. We in West Virgnia didn’t screw up. We left Virginia cause they suck. check out the way in which West Virginia became a state, its quite hilarious. Basically, they created a new capitol of Virginia since it ‘left’ the Union in what is now WV, created a whole new state, and then after the war was over, we kept our lovely coal filled mountains for us to dig into like a warm chocolate pudding.

  31. Being a lifelong Virginian, is this where I wave my hand dismissively and say, “Eh, seen it”?

    No, really. Good show. There’s a lot to like about my fair Commonwealth, in spite of Virgil Goode and our bassackward marriage laws.

  32. [re=304369]hobospacejunkie[/re]: What beautiful children you have! I especially like Butters, but they are all amazing. Great photos.

  33. [re=304273]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I know, I know. But if it were true, that would cause HoboSpaceJunkie to be more attracted to her, for some reason. I was trying to trick him, to get at the root of his bizarre attraction to ole “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann.

  34. Please tell us more about the SWAG so we can live in vicarious glory. I would love to hear about the t-shirts, pens, and keys to the city bestowed upon you.

  35. [re=304493]Custerwolf[/re]: [re=304546]frumious_bandersnatch[/re]: Thank you both, you’re very kind. I’ll tell Butters he has an admirer. If it doesn’t scare him (he’s very shy) it should make him purr. He’s of the type that purrs as soon as you say his name. He is FIV+. He hung around our house for about a year & I could never get close enough to him to grab him. Then he got fairly ill & slow and I grabbed him. He still bit a huge hole in my hand. There was much blood. We left him with our vet for over a week as they pumped him full o’ antibiotics and neutered him. He survived and is now the sweetest little (well, he’s pleasingly plump) guy you could ever hope to have, though it took him a few years to not run every time we looked at him. He bathes the girls, never fights with anyone, and is always first in bed at night. Our vet recommended we not keep him since he’s FIV+ but we knew it would be OK because he’s not a fighter, and you can only transmit through blood & sexy time. He’s 7-8 years old & going strong!

  36. [re=304559]Brendan M.[/re]: My attraction is not bizarre!! Check the archives — there have been many more “I’d hit its” and “I’d hate fuck that” referring to Ms. Bachmann than, say, Meghan McCain. Certainly more than Michelle Malkin (shudder.) Sure, she’s a baby farmer, dumb as a post and crazier than Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde but since when did that make a woman unattractive (don’t answer that.)

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