Why Is Sean Hannity Denying Funds To The Troops By Refusing To Agree To Be Waterboarded By Keith Olbermann?

 

Last week sometime, star of MTV’s The Hills Sean Hannity said something or other about waterboarding and how, you know, it is not that bad. And uh, he’d even allow himself to be waterboarded for charity—charity for the Troops.  That is how not bad it is, and besides, shouldn’t Khalid Sheik Mohammed have donated his waterboarding Charity dollars already? Fuckin’ foreigner.

Naturally, Keith Olbermann leapt at the chance to prove his staunch ideological opposition to torture by repeatedly offering to pay upwards of $1,000-per-second to personally waterboard Sean Hannity. “The idea of putting somebody in a position they have volunteered for, for charity, to respond to their own unsupportable claims, is in many ways priceless,” said Olbermann, who managed to remember to randomly throw the clause “for charity” in that sentence while characterizing the experience as “priceless,” despite stipulating that it is worth exactly $1000-per-second.

Olbermann has continued to publicly harass Sean Hannity and Sean Hannty continues to dodge Olbermann’s harrassment. During the course of both these activities, ~$0 have been donated to the Troops.

[HuffPost]

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About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

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128 comments

  1. Come here a minute

    Hannity getting waterboarded “for charity”? Meh.
    Hannity getting shot between the head “for charity”: Priceless!

    Support the troops!

  2. assistant/atlas

    That’s funny because I, too, would pay money to see Keith Olbermann waterboard Sean Hannity. As long as I didn’t have to watch the Olbermann Old-Timey Shouty-Hour to do it.

  3. Rosie Scenario

    Great alt text. But Hitchens’ waterboarding doesn’t count. It was done with scotch.

  4. CivicHoliday

    in all fairness, Olbermann wouldn’t last long, either. He’d be screaming about how the water was ruining his hair after the first 0.05 seconds.

  5. viviangrrrl

    if i didn’t know that that pic had anything to do with torture, i’d think it was kinda sexy. in a dirty sorta way.

  6. Gorillionaire

    When all of this is finally set up for a live broadcast, with Keith standing over Hannity who is straped to the board and looking very worried, they should have an Iraqi war veteran in the room too. A veteran with both of his legs blown off who owes 50 grand in medical bills and is about to lose his house, which his wife and three toddlers live in.
    Keith gets started and looks down at Hannity and says, “now hold your breath a long time, these people really need this money…”

  7. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    Hannity should be called out for more than saying waterboarding isn’t torture, all snark aside.

    He should be called on for not defending American practitioners of this “non-torture”. In his Ollie North fantasies, I’m sure he’d say he’d sling an M-16 if so ordered.

    Conveniently, it never is.

  8. V572625694

    The Bushies’ bullshit argument for torture was that these are really, really bad guys — worse than the Nazis, worse than the Japanese in WW II — so it’s okay to torture ‘em.

    That argument seemed totally bogus to me until I thought about Hannity getting some quality time on the ol’ waterboard. Bring it on!

  9. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    [re=303585]viviangrrrl[/re]: You should watch yourself, you may replace Custerwolf in the male Wonketeer Sweepstakes (non-SKS division).

  10. slappypaddy

    [re=303570]Come here a minute[/re]: “shot between the head” — would that be in his solar plexus, roughly? or if his head’s up his ass, would it be in his truck-nutz?

  11. randomsausage

    [re=303574]Rosie Scenario[/re]: mmmmm….Scotch-waterboarding…..I like your styleeeeeee. Next you’ll be having Richard Simmons order us into some stress positions.

  12. Crab1

    [re=303594]liquiddaddy[/re]: and they’d be all “how do like that, SQUARE!” That’d show ‘em.

  13. Rush

    Wonder how Dick Morris feels about his friend being smothered with wet liquid over his face….

  14. viviangrrrl

    [re=303600]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: wait, i thought custerwolf was a she-wolf. and i KNOW that I’m a she-girl. also, I have no idea what you’re talking about (re SKS). also.

  15. HopeyDope

    Keith is screwing up the rotation. Arlen Specter is supposed to waterboard Hannity as part of his Welcome to the Winners’ Side initiation.

  16. magic titty

    Keith should donate $1000 per second for the time it takes Hannity and Limbaugh to earn a college degree.

  17. mrpuma2u

    [re=303611]Min[/re]: I think what is needed here is pay-per-view, so we can donate even more money to the troops. Hannity won’t do it cuz he’s a wuss and he hates disabled vets. He wished that more of them had died and created martyrs for the cause.

  18. Laika

    How will we be able to tell he’s pissing himself if the water spills on his clothes. Can Olberman up it to $5000/sec if he does it naked?

  19. Nerdalicious

    There will be “special golden water” boarding fer ya Mr. Hannity. This way the monies will be doubled for charity! Everybody wins!

  20. Aloysius

    [re=303599]V572625694[/re]: “The Bushies’ bullshit argument for torture was that these are really, really bad guys — worse than the Nazis, worse than the Japanese in WW II — so it’s okay to torture ‘em.”

    Translation: they aren’t white and we don’t view their women as sex toys.

  21. Bruno

    [re=303623]mrpuma2u[/re]: Or text message votong competition about what questions he must answer during waterboarding (my pick: gay experiences)

  22. Hooray For Anything

    [re=303604]randomsausage[/re]: I actually did something like that in college except with tequilla and instead of calling it “water boarding” we called it “upside down margarita shot.”

  23. Jukesgrrl

    [re=303594]liquiddaddy[/re]: Colmes blew weed smoke in Hannity’s face for years — how else could he have stood being in the same room with him? That’s why he had to quit; weed got too expensive.

  24. CrunchyKnee

    EVERYONE NOWS THAT WATERBORDING DOESN’T WORK ON GREAT AMERICANS LIKE SEAN HANNITY, ALSO!!!1111!!!

  25. Lascauxcaveman

    $9.95 on Pay Per View? Hell yes, I’d watch that. But it would a lot more satisfying to watch it for free on FOX.

  26. Dave J.

    On a non-snark tip, I don’t understand Hannity here. He could accept and thus “prove” (to his viewers) that waterboarding isn’t that bad, and make Olbermann look like a fool. What is he afraid of? The whole point is that there will be doctors and shit there the whole time–he won’t drown! That’s why volunteering to do it is pointless–the whole point of doing it at Gitmo is that the guys you’re doing it to DO NOT KNOW that they will not drown. That’s why they tell you shit–to make you stop.

  27. V572625694

    Sorry, [re=303648]Dave J.[/re], you’re just not deep enough to understand a profound, courageous yet sensitive man like Sean Hannity.

  28. stew

    [re=303648]Dave J.[/re]: Even if you know you’re going to live, it is extremely painful and a chicken hawk/pussy like Manatee shrinks at the thought of even giving a blood sample.

  29. cranky

    [re=303581]CivicHoliday[/re]: “to be fair” Oberwan doesn’t pretend it’s no big deal.

  30. Dave J.

    [re=303663]stew[/re]: Yeah, I actually just went back and read the Hitchens thing, and he says that even though he knew he could stop at any time, and even though he knew he had trained interrogators there who would not hurt him, it still scared the shit out of him and he stopped it about 10 seconds in.

  31. 51dimes

    [re=303639]jetjaguar[/re]: Combine it with the three McCain heads and it would be awesome and nightmare fuel at the same time.

  32. Custerwolf

    [re=303600]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: Bite your tongue. Your tasty, tasty tongue.

  33. El Pinche

    Socialist Sean Hannity spits on our troops and wipes his ass with Madame Blue. He should be tried for treason.

  34. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=303581]CivicHoliday[/re]: I wouldn’t last long either. Then again, I don’t pretend it isn’t torture and neither does Olbermann. If it’s so innocuous, Hannity should man up and give it a shot.

  35. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=303648]Dave J.[/re]: Two reasons:

    1. Hannity knows his crowd and knows they would enjoy watching him suffer (see how Rush’s fans attacked him for supporting the Humane Society).

    2. Torture is OK as long as it is perceived as only being done to brown people (e.g. Arabs, Jose Padilla). Once it starts happening to mainstream whites, the base starts to get nervous.

  36. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=303679]Custerwolf[/re]: Shouldn’t be too hard to find some brave volunteers here…

  37. chascates

    Make it into a online fundraiser. Waterboard Cheney, O’Reilly, Beck, Limbaugh, and Hanity.
    I’ll pledge $100 and I don’t even have a job.

  38. Dave J.

    The important thing here is that Hannity not only knows he does not have the courage to go through this, he knows he does not have the ability to go through it and then lie and say it wasn’t that bad.

    [re=303581]CivicHoliday[/re]: Yeah, I’d last about 3 seconds. The thought of drowning freaks me the fuck out. But that’s the point–I think waterboarding is torture because I realize what it does. Hannity is the one talking shit about how it’s not even that bad.

  39. Custerwolf

    Are the gloves just for effect or are they actually pouring some sort of caustic material on that dude?

  40. AnnieGetYourFun

    I’ll bet my reputation (not much going for me, mind you) that Sean Hannity already pays someone thousands of dollars a second to waterboard him in the privacy of his own home. That kind of self-loathing is almost inevitably present in someone like Hannity. Hence his declaration that it isn’t so bad – it isn’t, compared to what Mistress Darkhorn puts him through every other Thursday.

  41. Custerwolf

    [re=303689]Dave J.[/re]: Since I do not torture myself with a teevee, I must ask you – did Hannity really say that?

  42. Scandinavian Fetus

    What would be be expected to reveal…what resides under Blago’s hair helmet?

  43. viviangrrrl

    [re=303679]Custerwolf[/re]: Hmmm. maybe we should make them have wet’n’wild waterboarding tshirt contest for us. winner gets doubleteam therapy.

  44. smellyal8r

    [re=303681]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: For some odd reason, it was hard for me to read the Hitchens article. It was just such an…awful a thing to do to someone (and I sat near Hitchens at lunch at Daily Grill in DC a few times and that’s NO fun). All these a-holes like to pop off about how “who cares, it’s not so bad”. Let’s waterboard Cheney and Gonzalez 83 times and see what all they confess to (hating Bush, getting high twice a week, trying to suffocate John Ashcroft when they had the chance). Our troops are no less safe than they were before the “torture memos” were released, since we’d made it pretty clear after 9/11 that we’d torture whoever we got our hands on.

  45. Custerwolf

    [re=303700]viviangrrrl[/re]: I think this idea just might go somewhere….yes, yes I do.

  46. Hawaiiexpat

    /

    Let me know when Hannity finally agrees so I can run out and buy a stake in YouTube.

    Couple of other unrelated thoughts:

    1. Back in the early 90s, those of us on the ESPN NBA boards used to call guys like Hannity “ASSFLAKE” (you have to shout for it to be official.) And yup,

    Hannity=ASSFLAKE

    2. Can we also get Bill Kristol, Joe the Plumber, and Rushbo a chance to earn money for military-charities as well? I mean, WTF – do these guys all hate our troops?

  47. Dave J.

    [re=303697]Custerwolf[/re]: Well, I’m paraphrasing, but his whole point is that this isn’t torture, and even if it is it’s not really that bad.

    Josh Marshall made what I thought was a good point, which is that you can’t simultaneously attack people for calling it torture, and then turn around and in the next breath say that the guys we’re doing it to deserve to be tortured, which is what Hannity et al are trying to do.

    Don’t forget, Rush Limbaugh compared the whole Abu Ghraib thing to hazing at a fraternity.

  48. user-of-owls

    Eight years ago, I spent a full, harrowing afternoon walking through a notorious torture center (Villa Grimaldi in Chile) with a survivor as he patiently described a horror show that would make Dante wince. I’ve spent considerable time researching and publishing on the topic of torture. Please forgive the utter lack of snark here, but the bile that rises in my throat when I hear pathetic cowards like Hannity glibly dismiss the perversions that were carried out in our name…OUR NAME…is so powerful that it drowns out my normally resilient sense of humor. I sometimes wish I believed in an afterlife, if only for the comfort it would bring knowing that this vermin and his ilk would be tormented for eternity.

  49. Custerwolf

    [re=303711]Dave J.[/re]: I just had to get confirmation on that before I set to work on a very special session with my Hannity voo-doo doll. Don’t believe me? Stick around and watch what happens….

  50. lulzmonger

    Looks like someone’s big brave piehole signed a check that his weak girly-man ass can’t cash.

    It’s official – Sean Hannity wants teh terrorists to win. Come to think of it, has anybody seen him & Bin Laden in the same room at the same time? Shoop a beard & ‘stache on him, & the resemblance is uncanny.

  51. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Water Boarding Sean Hannity: $1000/sec.

    Watching Keith Olberman boocockey all over Hannity at the same time: Priceless.

  52. cranky

    [re=303695]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: i think he is less “put my head in water” and more “put a lot of water up my ass”

  53. Dave J.

    [re=303724]Custerwolf[/re]: Generally I celebrate the separation of Wonkette from the evil Denton/Gawker media empire, but one change I do not enthusiastically endorse is the loss of checking out a user’s profile for the purposes of sending them sardonically harassing emails IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

  54. americanscandoanything

    so we waterboard hannity until he gives up his debit card PIN number

    then he says “ha ha, I gave you a phoney number”

    then we say “congratulations stupid, you just proved our point”

    (or we all go shopping!)

  55. cranky

    [re=303736]rocktonsammy[/re]: oh please, i could swing $1000 to see hannity waterboarded for a second and i make less than 32 grand a year.

    i think of him as a “Fred”, from scooby-doo, useless and harmelss; overall likable, but not someone you’d fight to keep around.

  56. populucious

    Here’s where my brain gets tied up in knots over sh*t like this: Initial argument of Bushtopia was that these guys are REALLY bad and REALLY evil and we need “strong tactics” like waterboarding, etc, to get the evil bad information from these guys, to keep us safe.

    Now it seems like all the GOPers and FOXies want to make the case that these “strong tactics” are nothing, nada, pleasant, like a trip to the day spa, really, what’s the big deal? I’ll do it myself! To show you how pleasant and not tortury it is.

    Well, if these tactics were really pussy, pleasant, pastimes, actually designed to bore the captives more than anything than WHY DID WE NEED TO DO THEM AT ALL? There are not enough bread crumbs in the world to follow the logic when they start talking about how these things are not a big deal.

  57. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    To make this authentic, Hannity should agree to be kidnapped, held for three weeks in a small closet, held without sleep for four days before the waterboarding, and be told before it starts that the waterboarding will be done by a team of butch lesbian wicans.

    But I bet Hannity wouldn’t agree. Why does he hate our injured troops so much?

    [re=303574]Rosie Scenario[/re]: Does that mean that Hannity’s has to be done with holier than thou water?

    [re=303608]Rush[/re]: Dick would want to be there to suck a toe or two.

  58. Custerwolf

    [re=303745]cranky[/re]: Wait a sec – did you say ShYawn is like Fred? I’m gonna have to disagree vehemently. ShYawn is more like a Scooby fart. Guaranteed to clear the room of any creature with any sensibilities whatsoever. That guy’s got a face that’s just aching to be caved in.

  59. Zadig

    [re=303711]Dave J.[/re]: Also, you can’t reasonably claim that torture is necessary to extract info from these fuckers, and then claim that it isn’t all that bad. If all it really is, is a little water across the face, then how could it possibly be useful for extracting information? These jackasses are arguing four or five incompatible viewpoints simultaneously.

  60. Dashboard_Buddha

    We should all write in on Hannity’s blog/discussion/adoration board. “Keith, please do it if only to shut that faggot liberal’s mouth” or such the like. Really stroke him up with how brave he is, how he’s a leading light of conservatism and such. Pretty soon his ego won’t be able to take it any more and he’ll succumb…ftw!

    I’ll bring the popcorn.

  61. Custerwolf

    I think Hannity is secretly afraid of getting an erection during the process. What say you?

  62. Hooray For Anything

    [re=303695]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: How man Whore Diamonds does Mistress Darkhorn get?

  63. Nerdalicious

    [re=303675]Bearbloke[/re]:
    Of course the “special golden water” boarding for the Honorable Mr. Hannity, (who of course wuz one of those creepy caped characters in some Dickens novel) will NOT be arugula flavored (but yes asparagus flavored), as he is not of the Elite Club, he only makes 50 jagillion dollars a week spewing hate all over the red states (like they need more of that!), but most CERTAINLY he is not an Elitist. Just a regular “Joe The Trillionaire Propagandist”.

  64. sati demise

    [re=303756]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:
    WAR BLOG! blog war, um, undercover operation?
    Be nice to wee Sean, now.

  65. V572625694

    [re=303772]chascates[/re], [re=303756]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Lance Fairskin just emailed Hannity as follows:

    Sean, please let Keith Olbermann waterboard you so you can:

    (1) show him how brave you are, and
    (2) show him and everyone that waterboarding is not torture, and
    (3) force him to support the troops.

    Thanks!

  66. chascates

    [re=303788]Hooray For Anything[/re]: That should definitelydo it.
    Although here in Central Texas there is a ‘Chicken Dance’ that has roots in the Czech & German communities. Which has roots in beer drinking.

  67. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=303767]Custerwolf[/re]: I think Hannity is afraid that he will cry out “Save me Obama, save me!”

  68. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=303772]chascates[/re]: [re=303787]V572625694[/re]: Thank you both…I have now done my bit for sanity. Of course, going to the Hannity website made me reverse waterboard (aka puke) in my mouth, but anything for the cause.

  69. KittyLitter

    Sean Hannity must be waterboarded until he admits he wants Obama to buttsecks him.

    Can we arrange that? Kthanxbai

  70. cranky

    [re=303754]Custerwolf[/re]: ok, i wasn’t clear. i loathe fred, and everyone on earth like him. fred is a bag that contains the remnants of the people around him, which is why i can’t get worked up about him, he is too worthless to be upsetting.

  71. poopface

    I hope that waterboarding replaces dunk tanks at school carnivals. it would be priceless for children to have the opportunity to waterboard teachers and principals. No, wait, it’d cost three tickets, or two dollars and seventy-five cents.

  72. Caitifty

    Make it a live waterboarding where the waterboarding continues as long as viewers continue to donate at or above the $1000 a second rate. That way Hannity will have the real fear of not knowing if it’ll stop before he drowns, just like a real Gitmo ‘interogee’.

  73. viviangrrrl

    [re=303849]Caitifty[/re]: brilliant! maybe THIS is the kind of fundraising npr needs to do, so they can shut up about those pie in the sky “goals” when all i want is the sweet sound of amy goodman’s voice.

    [re=303842]Custerwolf[/re]: i really like what somebody else said about asparagus pee – i think it would really put the whole plan over the top. let’s pencil it in for memorial day (THAT’S how much I love america!).

  74. TeddyS

    I will pay whoever does the Hannity waterboarding a thousand bucks not to respond when he begs for it to stop.
    “What’s that he’s mumbling?”
    “Beats me. Sounds like NEOOHOOYHSDHFPHEBLUB. Or something.”
    “I thought he would have a better way with words.”
    “Can we smoke in here?”
    “Pour on another bucket, then we can all go get a beer while it soaks in.”

  75. mrpuma2u

    [re=303695]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I would put money on Hannity being a bootlicker or scat play type in the BDSM world.

  76. CivicHoliday

    [re=303681]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: haha, don’t worry ya’ll, my critique of Olbermann in no way diminishes the douchiness of Sean Hannity

  77. zhubajie

    [re=303648]Dave J.[/re]: Maybe he doesn’t trust his co-workers not to make a “mistake” and drown him?

    Zhu Bajie

  78. zhubajie

    [re=303682]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: They probably should be nervous, at least if they are poor whites. It could well happen to them in the back room of some police station. The Chicago police can’t be the only one that tortures prisoners into confessing to death penalty crimes.

    Remember, America has the Golden Rule: he who has the gold rules. The average red-neck dreams of being a Robber Baron, but in his heart knows he’s really a sand-blasted n*gg*r.

    Zhu Bajie

  79. zhubajie

    [re=303711]Dave J.[/re]: People sometimes die from fraternity hazing. GW Bush was in deep sh*t for branding his fellow frat bros with a coat hanger, and only his Daddy saved him from trial, jail, etc. His chapter of the Dekes was closed, which is a major thing on any fraternity row.

    What do we know about Limbaugh’s frat days?

    Zhu Bajie

  80. zhubajie

    [re=303747]populucious[/re]: You ever thought there was something like logic involved?

    Zhu Bajie

  81. bloatedwhitetruck

    Oh, I’d pay dearly to see Sarah Palin “waterboard” Hannity with her old tard makin machine. No doubt the first dude would stand by and direct the action while straddling the snowmachine.

  82. billy rubin

    How about Keith Olbermann beheading Sean Hannity for charity? I’d throw a few bucks in.

  83. Crank Tango

    I would like to personally volunteer to pay 1 dollar per second to waterboard dana perino. and by waterboard I mean teabag. and by teabag I mean rub my nuts all over her chin. while I am simulating penetration with her mouth.
    for charity.
    sort of like a walkathon, but more like her giving me a bj.
    for charity.

    but the question is, will anyone sponsor me?

Comments are closed.