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Ain't no depression in Heaven.It’s official for Sad America: As the economy shrunk another 6.1% in the first quarter of 2009, the total GDP loss for this recession (so far!) is 3.3%, making this the worst recession since the legendary “Elvis Downtown” of 1957-58. And there’s only one economic collapse larger than our current horror: the Great Depression of 1929-c.1940. We sure hope Obama’s 100th Fireside Chat tonight is a doozy! [Bloomberg]

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75 COMMENTS

  1. Never fear, forthcoming Wonkette series “All the Presidents’ Graves” will single-handedly save the economy AND rescue us all from the clutches of birdswine flu! Do I hear an amen?

  2. …worst recession since the legendary “Elvis Downtown” of 1957-58.

    Even worse than the “Petula Clark Downtown” of the early seventies?

  3. “Elvis Downtown” of 1957-58

    I always wondered why Elvis joined the service; just couldn’t find a real job in those troubled economic times.

  4. “Johnny’s in the basement
    Mixing up the medicine
    I’m on the pavement
    Thinkin’ about the government
    The man in the trench coat
    Badge out, laid off
    Says he’s got a bad cough
    Wants to get it paid off!”

  5. These stories are all part of an intellectual experiment…how many depressing news bits does he take to keep the average man from fapping?

    Not enough but getting closer.

  6. “Friends, is it a coincidence the last time a recession was this bad, a Democrap, peace-loving beatnik named Dwight D. Eisenhower was in office? Just saying! Makes you wonder . . .”

    Michele Bachmann

  7. [re=303066]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Heh. You and I often post slightly different comments on the same gags. We should get together for a webcam conference and show Ken and that Sicha guy how its done.

    We could even make sure we’re each properly lit, and in the center of the camera’s viewing area.

  8. unfortunately, all those central valley farms that used to offer picking jobs for 3 cents a bushel are now covered by foreclosed subdivisions. Sigh…

  9. Where did Ken Layne get a picture of the vehicle that’s at the center of General Motors’ big reorganization plan? The plan isn’t due for another month.

  10. …chief U.S. economist at Morgan Stanley in New York.”

    What the hell does that even mean?? Is he on the fed payroll? And why would we believe anything coming from MS, regardless?

  11. [re=303055]Vartan84[/re]: I’m looking forward to visiting (and spitting and shitting on) the graves of our last pair of (vice) president and trained monkey.

    Can Wonkette make them die so we can all visit their graves?

  12. After teh black plague of the 1300s, the survivors enjoyed a period of great prosperity and cultural flowering, which eventuality resulted in the Renaissance. So, we got that going for us. Which is good.

  13. “I won’t believe we’ve hit rock bottom until a young woman offers me her breast.”

    Bravo. Comment of the year. Awesomely awesome. Its huge.

  14. [re=303086]zenferret[/re]: Sorry zenferret but while our obscure 19th century presidents were ok with being buried out in random regular cemeteries with the regular folk, the tradition for presidents graves are now totally restricted to being on the grounds of their presidential libraries. Every president out of office plans their library, and their grave there as a result. This means Bush’s would likely be at his library, and as an extension be government group (right? maybe?) and defiling it would be like a felony or something, not to mention watched by guards and stuff. VPs haven’t died in awhile but they don’t get libraries so who knows where they’ll end up but knowing Cheney it’ll be deep in some crypt lair which is blurred out of Google maps… and reality…

  15. [re=303088]Come here a minute[/re]: I know we’ve hit rock bottom because I was in a Target today and an associate asked me if she could help me in any way. During the last ten years that has rarely if ever happened. I’ve been in fast food restaurants and convenient stores during that same ten years where the cashiers actually did not speak at all except to mumble the balance due in a surly tone. That’s what you get for minimum wage, right. “I’m here to take the cash and hand you the bag, asshole” But in this economy the fight for minimum wage tightens up and soon it’ll be the epoch of Lit-major retail. Prepare to be politely engaged. “Is there a particular brand of Hobo Beans I can help you find?”

  16. Nature continues to try and dump some chlorine into the gene pool, but we keep pushing back. She’s going to get pissed soon and then it will be a WHOLE can of whoop ass. I am thinking zombies. WW Z for sure.

  17. “Is there a particular brand of Hobo Beans I can help you find?”

    At which time the employee will be anally crucified because everybody knows that “Hobo” is the brand of the “beans”. Sheesh.

  18. [re=303109]Paterlanger[/re]: I know. It’s getting ridiculous. Some of them are so servile, I expect them to roll over to have their bellies scratched. Except Costco. They’re still rude assholes.

  19. [re=303107]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well, it is hard to tell us apart in that poorly lit, off-centered videoconference.

    Here’s how you can tell, PRommie: I’m the one with the extra bushy mullet and facial hair; Wookie is the one who looks like a wookie.

  20. Since the Republicans always vote, “No,” they must enjoy the economy. Waiting for their Free Market Capitalism to right itself is like waiting for the Titanic to pump out some water and get on with the voyage.

  21. [re=303080]bfstevie[/re]: Everybody knows that the Examiner’s Opinion section is absolute bullshit, and should probably be used for picking up dog-shit, only.

    That is why they have renamed “General Motors” to “Government Motors.” ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS HARR HARR HARR THE EXAMINER IS A REAL HOOT.

  22. [re=303124]AfghanVet[/re]: Ha ha. I keep sounding the immanent zombie alarm, but no one listens. I will cry as I blow their zombie heads off. Then we feast on hobo beans.

  23. [re=303158]Custerwolf[/re]: Look at Ms. Fancy Pants here with her bandana and a stick. I sold those long ago to buy that iFart app on my iPhone.

  24. [re=303077]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Ha, we FAILED mightily there. Because goddamned Choire insisted that he had some way to do actual split screen, but instead he just put both full screens side-by-side. I am in charge this week … which either means, I will not do it at all, or I will make it 3 minutes long and filled with puppetry/sound effects.

  25. Michele Bachmann would point out that it’s interesting that both this recession and the Great Depression began under Democrat presidents. Just saying.

  26. [re=303109]Paterlanger[/re]: “I find Green Mountain Hobo Beans to be exceptionally fine, with a strong maple start and a lingering vanilla finish. These Upper Valley beans are a bit roguish, but the initial sassiness soon gives way to a fresh taste reminiscent of morning on the Connecticut River…”

  27. [re=303067]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: So, you never heard of the draft? Mandatory selective service, ran from 1940 to 1974? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

  28. [re=303200]Ken Layne[/re]: Allow me to be your screenwriter. By which I mean, here’s a quick suggestion: Pick out a few topics you know you can make the funni on and keep it fairly brief.

    (Can’t wait for those royalty checks to come rollin’ in. Yeah!)

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