Wonkette
Why, who’s that dashing young gent sitting up in a tree? Dr. Hunter Holmes McGuire, of course, the famous Civil War surgeon. Also spotted in Richmond: for the first time ever, somebody actually recognized your editors in public. We were leaving Amici and this perfectly nice-seeming, non-degenerate couple walked by and said, “Hey are you Sara Smith? … AND ARE YOU JIM NEWELL?” and goodness, what a thrill. Wonkette readers, apparently, though you wouldn’t know by looking at them. They had teeth and everything! So we killed them, to keep our location a secret. Oh, and Richmond Times-Dispatch columnist Jeff Schapiro was allegedly seen at the Amici bar, but probably just by somebody who wanted to get him in trouble.
“non-degenerate couple”….that’s exactly what Dick Cheney wants you to think.
First, it’s “hello”…next thing you know, you’re waterboarded 83 times.
Huh. I guess wearing those T-shirts with your names printed in bold-faced type wasn’t such a bad idea, after all.
This post is totally made up. Bloggers don’t leave their basements!
If you are still in Richmond go to Hollywood Cemetery near I-95. Buried there next to each other are US Presidents James Monroe and John Tyler. It’s my goal to visit all presidential graves and am sure Wonkette joins me in this dream/endeavor/obsession. Also buried there is President Jefferson Davis of the good old Confederate FreeRepublic!!
Did you two get seagulled?
Mild Midwesterner: Their PARENT’s basments..
Wait. People actually read in Richmond?
Weren’t you two supposed to be going to Monticello?
And now that you are famous, you will have to start using bodyguards and have people to carry your umbrellas for you. It is just a few steps then to having peopel take pics of you in the bathroom or eating somewhere or blowing your nose and emailing them to tabloids. Your life as you knew it is over, kids. The price of fame.
Teeth? I woulda been impressed by tooth.
Vartan84: Why?
But is the Confederacy alive and well, SKS? That is the important part.
So when’s the wedding planned, Jim and Sara?
Did they ask for money?
That’s very impressive to be recongnised ’round those parts. (I’d keep mace on both of you at all times).
Where you both wearing those orange t-shirts & that gave you away?
Internally valid: Because I’m morbidly bored. Where else can you say you’ve been within 6 feet of your favorite president?! I think it’d make an amazing series for Wonkette- we can call it “All the Presidents’ Graves”.
Voice: ZOMG, it’s Sara K. Smith…and Jim Newell.
SKS: Bearers, lower the sedan chairs!
JN: Do not gaze diretly upon us.
OK. Who are the suck-ups/stalkers?
…AND ARE YOU JOHN GALT?
I’ve also seen the T-D’s movie reviewer, Daniel Neman, at several baseball games. Not anymore though, since baseball’s gone and all we’re left with is some primitive pastime called soccer. Also, Sara is a two-fisted water drinker.
Dr. Hunter Holmes McGuire, of course, the famous Civil War tree surgeon.
Your first fan encounter! Did you give them an autograph and buttsecs?
It’s all down hill from here on out so enjoy.
assistant/atlas: No, just anal poisoning.
Newell Mania strikes again!
Can we get back to government and politics, news, and current events soon?!!
Why is the Civil War surgeon in a tree? Was he a tree surgeon?
thefrontpage: Agreed, esp. because Jonah Goldberg has written something that is monumentally stupid, even for him.
First fan encounter. Was his name, Ken?
Vartan84: I’ve never considered the 6 feet away part. This is getting into Sarah Vowell territory. Have you read Assassination Vacation?
Doglessliberal: Body doubles will be much more effective, and allow them privacy in the potty, at the table and while blowing their noses.
queeraselvis v 2.0: He posted that yesterday in the L.A. Times, which, despite the fact that they are losing money hand over fist, pays Jonah Goldberg to write for them.
Cape Clod: Jonah the whale then uses that money to pay NRO to use that 15-year-old picture of him from before he became morbidly obese.
bitchincamaro: That’s the win.
So we killed them, to keep our location a secret.
Jimmy, Sara. *sigh* See? I told you that no good would come from posting your pictures up on that internets thingee.
You two need a “Brangelina” name now.
cal: Sadly Jim Newell and Sara Smith fail in the department of having letters that easily blend with ‘mania’. Jimania is the best I can come up with.
But thinking about it, I’ve decided the ‘K’ in Sara K. Smith stands for Kremlin. Because she’s a communist.
SayItWithWookies: Jesus, Wookster. Surely you took more than one picture of our pal Jim. Why’d you have the post the one that makes him look like Baron Harkonnen’s least favorite nephew? That was pretty fucking mean.
Sara looks like she could the twin of my 13-year-old daughter’s best friend; ergo Sara, you may rest in comfort I’ll never think another lustful thought in your direction.
sanantonerose: I’ve heard that Sarah Vowell might be into similarly crazy things but haven’t actually read anything of hers. Perhaps it is time for a Wonkette book club? You know, like Oprah’s, but only 5000 times more popular!!!!!!!!!!!
So do I feel a groundswell of support coming on for “All the Presidents’ Graves”?
Oh and we can have a bonus feature on their assassins, I know a guy who cares for a few pieces of Charles Guiteau (the one who shot Garfield). There’s also a little box containing a little bone or something from J. W. Booth (that sure beats the Lincoln chick’s alleged piece of bark from his cabin a few months back!) which was securely tied up in a sealed box in 1865 which has never been opened.
All the Presidents’ Graves (and Little Pieces of Their Assassins!), coming soon to a Wonkette near you!!
Lascauxcaveman: Jim was a little disheveled from his long journey, but in good spirits. And I would’ve taken more photos, but my camera’s batteries up and died shortly after those — I have a very dark grainy pic of the three of us, but you wouldn’t be able to tell who it was, unfortunately.
Also, in that pic Jim is distracted by our waiter who, being terribly bored, decided to spend about half the evening with us. That’s a Tuesday night in downtown Richmond for you.
Vartan84: Charles Guiteau (the one who shot Garfield)
ZOMG Garfield’s been shot!?!? Who’s going to break the news to Jennifer Love Hewitt? Oh the huge manatee!!
queeraselvis v 2.0: “Blah blah blah blah zombie Reagan will save us all blah.” I am disappointed by the lack of teleprompter.
hobospacejunkie: Comments like that are how America got to where it is right now, hobojunkie.
queeraselvis v 2.0: So, basically he’s saying “Boo-hoo, the Dumbocrats are acting as bad as we did!!”
TWO-PART REBUTTAL: A) No, they’re not. And B) What does it say about your party that the *absolute best* argument you can muster is not “we’re better” but “they’re just as bad”?
Richmond folk do love their second place trophies.
hobospacejunkie: I love the phrase ‘morbidly obese.’ I wonder what Jonah thinks of the new Cheetos magnums?
Vartan84: My brother’s trying to play golf in every state of the union. Your deal sounds similar, but way more fun.
SayItWithWookies: I haz a jellus.
hobospacejunkie: true, and it could provide people with no skills other than looking like Jim and Sara, so good for the economy!
They didn’t start humping your legs? Odd, cuz that’s what I would do.
SayItWithWookies: ZOMG. You CALLED me. Thank you. Just got the voicemail, because Verizon is teh awesumz.
Tra: Zadig: Arrogance, thy name is Joberg, obvs.
AnnieGetYourFun: Yeah, I had thought about calling you beforehand, but then realized whenever I do that, my plans always fall through. So I figured surprise was better than disappointment.
That guys’ not the ONLY one sittin’ in a tree. Jim and Sara, etc.
From the menu: “Penne al salmone, piselli e funghi.” The Eye-Ties have such a colorful way of describing anal poking. I wonder if Newell asked for seconds.