REPUBLICANS IN THE NEWS  4:43 pm April 28, 2009

Michele Bachmann Learns of Serious Flu Scare, Decides To Speak Anyway

by Ken Layne

It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.America’s joke, Congresslady and full-time lunatic Michele Bachmann, woke this morning from her barbiturate-wine cooler stupor, crawled on her hands and bloodied knees to the AM-only radio permanently tuned to the local wingnut talk station, and happened to catch the national news bulletin: An influenza pandemic! It sounded pretty serious, whatever “pandemic” meant. Michele Bachmann needed to craft a response — you know, something that would, uh, blame a swine/bird/human flu virus on, uhm, LIBERALS, right?

Bachmann, speaking on Pajamas TV, noted: “I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

So that’s what Pajamas TV does. Anyway, as Glenn Thrush notes at The Politico, the 1976 swine flu freakout was pretty famously an event during Gerald Ford’s presidency, with the semi-crazed response being a pretty famous reason why Ford lost his re-election campaign, and why there was a new president in 1976, the Democrat Jimmy Carter.

Somebody hurry up and ship another sack of “WORLD’S DUMBEST CLOWN” trophies to Bachmann’s office. Watch out for the dog!

Dems in power during flu, Bachmann notes [Politico]

 
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{ 93 comments }

jgrn307 April 28, 2009 at 4:48 pm

1976? I thought republicans believe the world started Jan 20th, 1981. MB IS A RINO

Doglessliberal April 28, 2009 at 4:49 pm

she IS the poster child for “Idiot Wind”.

choinski April 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm

She’s breathing because her mouth is open.

magic titty April 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm

I will decapitate her with the serrated edge of my new Jesus license plates.

StephanieInCA April 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm

I kind of expected her to just gag on her own tongue by now.

Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin April 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Jimmy Carter is history’s greatest monster.

AnnieGetYourFun April 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Please never ever take this woman for us, Blue Zombie License Plate Jesus, I beseech thee.

Custerwolf April 28, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Of course, Michelle also finds it interesting that corn appears in her stool when she clearly does not recall having eaten any.

StephanieInCA April 28, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Also, EVERYBODY KNOWS the libruls invented this “pig pox” to spread teh socialismz.

Can we feed MB to the angry furries now?

chascates April 28, 2009 at 4:52 pm

One of Politico’s commentors:
“I note that the three deadliest hurricanes in U.S. history occurred during Republican administrations- Galveston 1900- McKinley; Florida 1928- Coolidge, and of course Katrina 2005, our dear W. Coincidence? I think not.”

SPlaTz April 28, 2009 at 4:52 pm
EnBuenOra April 28, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Yeah, but the 1976 swine flu virus knew Jimmy Carter would be the next president, and it was trying to save America from Jimmy Carter surrendering to Iran and forcing all banks to give free CRA homes to black people. Alas, it failed, and Jimmy Carter launched the greatest genocide in all of history, exceeded only by Bill Clinton.

Red Zeppelin April 28, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Shine on you crazy diamond!

Any word on her reaction to Spector? What does she think about convicted murderers becoming Demorats?

dementor April 28, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Michele was issued timed-release brain cells, and the fizz is pretty much gone from her batch.

Bruno April 28, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Every Wonkette reader in the world knows as of last night Ford’s evil in the whole deal. But I never expected Miche-LE to read Wonkette, given its place in the Mainstream Media ‘n’ all.

Nerdalicious April 28, 2009 at 4:55 pm

[re=302311]jgrn307[/re]:
Walt Disney (Ronnie Reagen) was frozen to be thawed out for North American Union Commie uprising. Bachmann’s crazy blue eyes make me sad.

Jukesgrrl April 28, 2009 at 4:55 pm

I’m convinced she’s the latest Christopher Guest creation.

choinski April 28, 2009 at 4:55 pm

OMG she’s right – Spanish Flu broke out under Wilson! A Democrat! In 1918! 1918 has a nine and three other numbers! 9! 9+3 = 11! 9-11! (okay, its twelve, STFU, Jesus rules!)

sevenrepeat April 28, 2009 at 4:56 pm

she is two chromosomes away from being a baked potato.

JMP April 28, 2009 at 4:56 pm

Big on the Dylan references today, aren’t we?

Anyway, Bachmann needs none of your facts. She knows that Jesus the Cracker would only let a pandemic in his chosen country, America, when there’s a socialist-muslin in charge.

gurukalehuru April 28, 2009 at 4:57 pm

I guess what she’s saying is that Jimmy Carter was a president during the 70s, and there was an outbreak of Swine Flu in the 70s (pandemic? eh, not so much), therefore, Jimmy Carter loves the swine flu. Next thing you know, they’ll try and blame him for disco.

rachelv April 28, 2009 at 4:58 pm

maybe Ford pulled a Specter from beyond the grave??? (the best place from which to pull a specter, btw).

SayItWithWookies April 28, 2009 at 4:59 pm

So let’s review: Terrorist, weather and economic disasters that happen while Dubya was president — totally not his fault.
Swine flu outbreak in Mexico while Obama is president — completely his fault.

proudgrampa April 28, 2009 at 4:59 pm

Can I beat her with a stick now, ma?

Prommie April 28, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Wow! She’s the Grand Canyon of stupid. When you stand at the rim, as it were, and gaze across the silent vastness of your stupidity, you simply cannot believe the immensity of what you behold, it is simply awe-inspiring, your senses so lack the perspective to take it in that it actually looks two-dimensional, like a painting, it is so incomprehensibly enormous; and then, a sightseeing airplane flies into the Canyon, and suddenly you have something to compare the scene with, something to supply perspective, and in a shocking instant, you are struck dumb with the realization that it is vastly larger than it seemed before, that the breath-catching enormousness that had been captivating you and filling you with awe just am moment before, was just an illusion, a trick of the eye, and that it is far more incomprehensibly vast than you thought it was.

Yes, she is the Grand Canyon of stupidity. She is like a great big giant crack. Or crackwhore. Or something.

Blender April 28, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Wait, I thought Rumsfeld created swine flu to get Ford elected! WTF?

Anyhooze, I want to make sweet, sweet love to Bachmann as she shrieks various forms of insanity into my ears.

bitchincamaro April 28, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Meatfuck.

ManchuCandidate April 28, 2009 at 5:02 pm

You connected the Dots, Michelle!

We’re through the looking glass now.

Jimmy Carter, a white Christian nookular enjunear peanut farmer from Georgia, had a secret son during his time in the Navy when his nookular Submarine visited Africa. Later that son came to US America on a Soviet plane and was placed with a proper REAL WHITE woman extremely loyal to the Dummocommunistsocialistracist party along with vials of a Soviet developed germ warfare weapon known as Pig Flu. Jimmy Carter spread it in 1976 with the help of the Reverse Vampires at Fort Dix to destroy Gerry Ford.

Thanks to some documents obtained by Italian forgers, we just found out that Jimmy Carter’s secret African son’s name was Kwayame Carter, but you know him as Barack Obama. Now you know the rest of the story! Also!

Red Zeppelin April 28, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Wait, here’s the connection: Arlen Spector worked for Gerald Ford on the Warren Commission, which established the NWO and ACORN. So Spector had some of the swine flu virus left from the 70s, which he released this month, in order to draw attention to his defection from the Repugs, and to quarantine freepers in remote parts of Texas, where they will be infected by Mescans. Airtight, no?

Red Zeppelin April 28, 2009 at 5:03 pm

[re=302366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Total jinx!

Custerwolf April 28, 2009 at 5:04 pm

[re=302359]proudgrampa[/re]: Yes you may. And hard.

Crab1 April 28, 2009 at 5:09 pm

Swine flu is still not as bad as that time Reagan invented AIDS to kill the fags and the blacks.

Gopherit April 28, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Every time she decided to say something, can’t we ball gag her? She might be tolerable that way.

NoSoupForYou April 28, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=302325]StephanieInCA[/re]: Win.

The Rev. Yevot April 28, 2009 at 5:15 pm

[re=302366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Just… I mean… fucking… WIN!

Mustang April 28, 2009 at 5:16 pm

“And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

Interesting becuzzzz? Oh! I get it. Because they are both homosexual girlie men!

Okay I got one too. I think it’s interesting that when the Twin towers were destroyed a republican was president.

Oh I’m not blaming this on President Bush. I’m just sayin’ is all.

PrairiePossum April 28, 2009 at 5:17 pm

Calling her stupid is an insult to stupid people.

Blender April 28, 2009 at 5:18 pm

No, Arlen switched parties so Barry would pardon his cousin Phil for that 2nd degree murder rap out here in CA.

nyhfrog April 28, 2009 at 5:22 pm

[re=302362]Prommie[/re]: The only thing that makes it better is to get to her before the sun rises. When the light slowly dawns on her stupidity, It’s like you describe plus this immense darkness appearing out of darkness. GAWD! There are tears in my eyes!

nyhfrog April 28, 2009 at 5:24 pm

[re=302363]Blender[/re]: I have to admit such thoughts have crossed my mind. Although I have the feeling that the imagined event is full of wonder, while the memory of such an event would be just too full of cringe-seizure shame.

RoscoePColtraine April 28, 2009 at 5:25 pm

I find it interesting that BACHMANN and IS A BITCH each have eight letters. Not blaming her, just think it is an interesting coincidence.

madtowngooner April 28, 2009 at 5:26 pm

[re=302362]Prommie[/re]: That was beautiful.

Min April 28, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Dumb as a bucket of hair. Which is apparently what her brain has been replaced by.

randomsausage April 28, 2009 at 5:30 pm

I’d love to tea-bag that hot crazy bitch

assistant/atlas April 28, 2009 at 5:31 pm

I would hatefuck this woman soooooo hard.

[re=302354]gurukalehuru[/re]: Well, I think we can pretty much agree that disco IS the fault of drug-sniffing, party-hearty, buttsecs-havin’ creative types (gays).

KittyLitter April 28, 2009 at 5:35 pm

It would really be a horrible low down dirty shame if a wave of Democrat Swine Flu swept through Bachmann’s compound, causing her five children, 23 foster kids, her 7 sister-wives and the Prophet to spew bloody diarrhea from all their orifices until they were dead, the end.

That would give me a sad.

No really, I just express my sad by dancing the Pee-Wee to “Tequila.”

theo April 28, 2009 at 5:40 pm

It’s the Evillution. If the Democrats weren’t always promotin’ it, none of this would of happened.

Biden Time April 28, 2009 at 5:43 pm

1977, in fact.

WendyK April 28, 2009 at 5:45 pm

[re=302346]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Win.

She cannot be real. We do not live in a world where this person actually exists. It’s a long, elaborate April Fool’s joke that will be revealed in five or six years, right?

[re=302424]assistant/atlas[/re]:

I’d hate fuck her too, with your dick.

j6n April 28, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Every time I see her I think of the exploding head in Total Recall.
“Get ready for a surpriiiiiise!”

Serious April 28, 2009 at 5:52 pm

I’m only commenting right now because I want to see my avatar. So, uh

Fivetree April 28, 2009 at 5:52 pm

[re=302348]sevenrepeat[/re]: Ka-CHINGGGGGG! Round over. WIN!

jgrn307 April 28, 2009 at 5:52 pm
WadISay April 28, 2009 at 5:53 pm

In 2005, the year Bachmann took office, I came down with a massive case of the trots.

Blender April 28, 2009 at 5:54 pm

Jesus help me, my evil muslin brain just pictured Bachmann and Kathleen Harris nudie wrasslin’ in a kiddie pool filled with lowfat yogurt.

Time for vicodin.

hobospacejunkie April 28, 2009 at 5:56 pm

[re=302363]Blender[/re]: [re=302424]assistant/atlas[/re]: I don’t want sloppy thirds so can we divvy up the sexy time with Shelley? Say rotate days. Everyone gets her for a day then passes her on, making sure she has showered & douched before the exchange? Personally I will be wearing a seat belt, because the Crazy Train is sure to buck like a fuckin’ bronco.

RoscoePColtraine April 28, 2009 at 5:59 pm

[re=302454]Blender[/re]: Throw in Snowbilly and you’ll need a Thorazine chaser.

Johnny Zhivago April 28, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Look for Obama to give away a major canal soon.

Gopherit April 28, 2009 at 6:15 pm

[re=302454]Blender[/re]: You can go to hell and die for that image.

thefrontpage April 28, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Michele Bachmann should resign from office, effective immediately.

The new administration is trying to hire sane people, and get sane people into Congress.

Bachmann just doesn’t fit the new, sane reality!

Itsjustme April 28, 2009 at 6:22 pm

She farts question marks.

DangerousLiberal April 28, 2009 at 6:26 pm

christ, she’s dumber than I thought. Not as dumb as a sack of hammers. Dumber. Q.E.D.

Servo April 28, 2009 at 6:27 pm

[re=302346]Jukesgrrl[/re]:
“Peanut. Pistachio nut. Macadamia nut. Wing nut.”

kth April 28, 2009 at 6:49 pm

“Speaking on Pajamas TV” is the equivalent of barking at passing cars, also.

Bruno April 28, 2009 at 6:55 pm

Do they have republicans in mexico? Someone has to be fucking those pigs to make this horrible world-as-we-know-it ending flu.

Bruno April 28, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Wow. Joe the Plumber really delivered for Pajamas TV. His ‘reporters and muzzies are bad’ reporting captivated Michele enough to realize they weren’t MSM or bloggers, making them as acceptable as AM radio

R-dawg April 28, 2009 at 7:06 pm

What a great news month:
-teabaggers run amuck.

R-dawg April 28, 2009 at 7:09 pm

What a great news month:

-Teabaggers run amuck.
-Spector defects.
-Levi meets the media.
-And now this lake-billy spouts off — again.

Does get much better than this..

SmutBoffin April 28, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Mike Steele on why the GOP fought the inclusion of pandemic preparedness funds:

Why should you try to be ready for something when you don’t know it will happen?

HAHAHAHAHA(deep sigh).

Scandalabra April 28, 2009 at 7:24 pm

When a wingnut finds something “interesting” my bullshit detector starts beeping.

Nanigonenuts April 28, 2009 at 7:26 pm

Hey. I’m here. what’s the question again?

Bentpost April 28, 2009 at 7:34 pm

She’s becoming Kabuki. Actually can we call her Kabuki Bachmann?

RabidHamster April 28, 2009 at 8:17 pm

[re=302589]Bentpost[/re]: Bukkake Bachmann has a nicer ring to it.

Mr Blifil April 28, 2009 at 8:18 pm

It would ONLY be interesting if you could demonstrate that Obama SHOULD be blamed. Otherwise it’s just more twat waffling from the crank sucker championess.

azw88 April 28, 2009 at 8:38 pm

wow, Dems have time machines!! First, Obama was able to go back in time to get his fake birth announcement in the paper in Hawaii, Carter who became president jan 20th, 1977 went back in time one year to spread the virus.

Moral of the story, Dems got cool gadgets but waste them on stupid shit. Me, I’d go back in time and buy a shitload of stock like microsoft, et al, jump forward sell, the use my ill gotten gains to bag Jessica Alba!

Hawaiiexpat April 28, 2009 at 9:49 pm

Honestly, for the life of me, I can’t figure out who the biggest assflake is;

Bachmann or Krisol.

PerhapsSo April 28, 2009 at 9:53 pm

[re=302347]choinski[/re]: Or, in the alternative, 1918 can be reordered to 9, 1, 1, and 8. An 8 is infinity on its side. So clearly the Spanish flu was a precursor to 9/11 FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

katrina April 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm

It’s Michelle’s Malaise Speech.

phineas_bounderby April 28, 2009 at 10:31 pm

I contributed mucho dinero to Tinkerbell, or Tumbleweed, or Twinkieberger, or whatever her opponent’s name was thinking that defeating Bachmann would be a good thing. In retrospect I think my dear friend Michelle is a precious gift to the Democratic Party, almost effective a sleeper agent as our other agents provocateur Rush Limbaugh and David Vitter.

Rush April 28, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Is disco music making a comeback, also?

momus April 28, 2009 at 10:45 pm

She makes Ahmadinejad look sane. She added don’t eat pork as a precaution.

momus April 28, 2009 at 11:24 pm

Besides swine flu is a lifestyle disease, it would go away if we simply refrained from contact with people that have swine flu.

qaf April 28, 2009 at 11:30 pm

It be fair, a pandemic sounds like it should have pandas involved.

Monsieur Grumpe April 28, 2009 at 11:34 pm

She’s a black hole of stupidity. Nothing intelligent will ever come out of that hole.

Czn939 April 28, 2009 at 11:55 pm

[re=302576]SmutBoffin[/re]:
“Uh uh! Uh uh! Don’t you be comin back and makin this link! Don’t go there! You don’t know me!”
Also.

Snerdley April 29, 2009 at 12:31 am

“That belongs in the hardball nutbag”–chris matthews

Lascauxcaveman April 29, 2009 at 12:45 am

[re=302703]PerhapsSo[/re]: I like the way you think.

Er, no, waitaminute. I’m terrified by the way you think.

[re=302362]Prommie[/re]: Wow. Please accept me as your disciple.

[re=302366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hey! That would explain those big ears, wouldn’t it?

AngryAtheist April 29, 2009 at 7:32 am

Can someone please scrape off the MN 6th Congressional district and toss it into the sea?

It’s kind of like having a small bit of dog shit lodged into the tread of your shoe…a bad lingering smell.

Get a stick or the hose.

archaeo-angel April 29, 2009 at 7:55 am

I am predicting that Michelle Bachmann will one day win a Darwin Award. She will die trying to blow-dry her hair in the shower to save time in the morning, or by lighting a match to see if her fuel tank is low. Then Jerry Falwell or someone will nominate her for a redneck sainthood, she will forever be known a the Patron Saint of Stupid People. the end.

Jewdishoowary Square April 29, 2009 at 8:49 am

[re=302348]sevenrepeat[/re]: The Potato-American League demands an apology for your slanderous comparison to Michele Bachmann.

Traveler April 29, 2009 at 9:21 am

[re=302362]Prommie[/re]: I bow before this extended metaphor of awesomeness.

McDuff April 29, 2009 at 9:32 am

[re=302576]SmutBoffin[/re]: Apparently, Mikey was never a Boy Scout.

Rajul April 30, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Look at those lips. I bet she can really suck a dick. She could totally do geriatric porn.

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