Wonkette
So we arrived here late, of course, due to Tories, and scarfed down a few blueberry muffins before departing on a grand tour of George Washington’s farm. We saw a museum under a sheep pasture, where they store George Washington’s skull (pictured above). Did you know the father of our nation was a hologram? Well, now you do.
Also, little-known fact: Martha Washington was a hobbit.
Then we took a little spin around the sheep corral, which was packed to the fence line with dead animals. Or maybe they are sleeping? Swine flu!
At last we and our fellow internees were told by the dead ghost of George Washington (Heath Ledger) which work camp we were going to. We are apparently headed to Monticello, the famous home of Thomas Jefferson’s Koran. Other people — doomed souls in purple, blue, and green Humiliation Garb — are being sent to beaches and stuff for “historic adventure tours” but rumor has it your Yellow Team will get to ride SEGWAYS, just like George W. Bush’s Secret Service detail.
Back in 2000, there was an lady tour guide who yelled at me for not being respectful of “our president” because she overheard my friend and I making jokes about old mushmouth George sneaking into the slave quarters. If that old white-haired lady still has that job, tell her I said to eat a bag of dicks for me, woudlja? Thanks.
Did you get to see the high-tech threshing barn, designed by GW hisself? That’s pretty much the highlight of the tour, especially if the horses are going round in it.
Washing-ton, Washing-TON /
Six foot - Twenty, fuckin’ killing for fun /
Be careful on those Segways. I heard a rumor at summer camp that riding a Segway will reclaim your virginity and you will be unable to lose it again.
Wait a sec - George and Martha didn’t have any kids, I thought. Were they just rounding up random kids off the street for their orgies?
How many times have you had to put Newell in the stocks?
Lascauxcaveman: He had a pocket full of horses, fucked the shit out of bears. Threw a knife into heaven, and he killed with a stare.
Mad Farmer Manifest: He tussled with an alligator, wrestled with a whale. He handcuffed lightning, and threw thunder in jail.
Mad Farmer Manifest: Makes love like an eagle falling out of the sky;
Killed his sensei in a duel, but he never said why.
Mahousu: Them’s the widder Custis’ chilluns from her first marriage.
problemwithcaring: I once saw a tour guide in D.C. yell at someone for sitting on the Nam Vet memorial because it was disrespectful. The doofus got up but then he tried to argue with her, and she did the “you see that lady right there? you could be sitting on her father’s name right there, you disrespectful little prick” deal on him. Got a crowd gathered and everything.
SayItWithWookies: Yeah, or actually, judging by the apparent ages, those may be Martha’s grandchildren - or, as Wikipedia puts it, George’s adoptive children/step-grandchildren (which only sounds mildly incestuous).
“It’s a hologram. From here, Washington, but from over here, he morphs into Adolph Hitler. Washington, Hitler. Washington, Hitlerrrr!”
I was there last week from the West Coast (visiting friends) and wanted to see the new museum there. The George Washington head scares me, but, in the gift store I was able to purchase a tea pot that said “REPEAL THE STAMP ACT” and the tag attached to it said “NO NEW TAXES”.
And be careful at Monticello. I hear they forcibly DNA-test everyone who visits to see if they’re related to the Man.
I abhor the people in the Segways. I just abhor them.
Mahousu: But..they’re BLACK..
Gotta respect Kenny Powers taking a photo of George Washington, though.
Gorillionaire: Yea, back then, we were snarky college kids and I indeed felt totally called out. Hence, the request for her to choke on a bag of ‘em. ‘Cuz now I am a disrespecting old cuss, who no longer gives a fuck about yer blood maps, stolen museums and death memorials.
Lazy Media: Is that where he invented cocaine?
freakishlystrong: You’re right. To make it even worse, Washington was not born in this country. Yep, our first President was a foreigner (British). Probably Muslin, too - Masons and Muslims are about the same thing, aren’t they?
Gorillionaire: Which prompts an inquiry to you D.C. people: last time I was in D.C., I was at the Lincoln Memorial around 11 p.m. one night when some high school kid armed with a six-pack of beer climbed up into Lincoln’s lap and started drinking. The security people didn’t notice right away, but then pulled him down, lectured him and sent him off. Is that some sort of hazing ritual in D.C.? Do people do that frequently? Does that guarantee admission to Georgetown or something?
One Yield Regular: No, that’s American University, not Georgetown.
WagTehGod: This brings back fond memories of the Choke advertisement fun of yesteryear.
i went to both places in january with a guy i thought i was interested in.
turns out both places were much more interesting than he was — so i dumped him.
*sigh* — at least i’ll always have us history!
Mahousu: Martha had kids with her first husband. George was their step-dad. I think the son died in the Revolution, maybe.
One Yield Regular: A guy who lived on my floor freshman year drank about twice that and tried to crawl up into Uncle Abe’s lap. The Park Police were not amused and it took a lot of fast talking to keep him out of jail that night.
Besides, if you go across the street, you can go to the Einstein statue where you are encouraged to climb up on the statue.
Robobot: No, it’s where he invented peanut butter.
The Helvetica Scenario: Is that one of thost Japanese dealies where I have to cross my eyes? I’ve been trying but I just get Washington Death Mask and a Mushroom. I see no Hitler.
These revisionist historians, making Jesus out to be white. Don’t they know the father of our country wasn’t the Aryan god held up by the church.
I don’t get the ‘voice’ of this post. Is SKS referring to herself as “we” or is this an intern project she posted on their behalf?
He once held an opponent’s wife’s hand.
In a jar of acid.
At a party.
You think this swine flu is funny? People are DEAD! Heath Ledgers ghost? Wow that was so disrespectful! Death is NEVER funny! Think of family members related to Heath Ledger,or people who have lost someone to this flu! Plus who the heck cares about Washington and why does this place exist? Giant waist of time and money people!
Hello Wonketteers… are you an artist of some kind? Interested in some way in death? Contribute to this open artist call (exhibition in NYC September 10).
See: http://abookaboutdeath.blogspot.com/
Yes, political is okay. Looking forward to your entries… all details on the blog. Gracias!
he’ll save the children…but not the british children.