Fag Patrol.Hey didn’t you secede or something? “AUSTIN — Gov. Rick Perry today in a precautionary measure requested the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provide 37,430 courses of antiviral medications from the Strategic National Stockpile to Texas to prevent the spread of swine flu. Currently, three cases of swine flu have been confirmed in Texas.” [San Marcos Record]

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  1. Rick Perry just thinks of the feds as a booty call. During the day, when he’s sober, he doesn’t want anything to do with that whore. But after the bar shuts down, he’s too drunk to drive home & he’s horny, guess who the first person is he calls.

  2. Monday: “You guys hate me! I’m outta here!!” *doorslam*
    Wednesday: “Mom?… I’m hungry, and my car is out of gas. Can I have two months’ rent money? Also, can you do my laundry?”

  3. So taking DRUGS from the federal government is OK? You just can’t take money from them?
    Like in the olden days when you could sleep with a darkie but you couldn’t eat with them.

  4. Now is NOT THE TIME to waste valuable American assets on unstable foreign nations like The Holy Sovereign Christian Republic of Texistan – besides, aren’t all those folks down there believers in snake-handling and faith-healing? Let ’em call Benny Hinn!

  5. Since I’ve been taking a beating as the okie on the Flaming Lips thread, I’ve got to point out that it’s Baja OK that’s got the pig flu. But take comfort, Texans: God doesn’t really hate you. She’s just getting even with Iowa for making everyone gay marry. (Get it? Lots of hog farms in Iowa? I really like this joke I made up, but fear it doesn’t make funny sense to anyone but me).

    The real thing is, OK and Texas being very much alike in the number of fundy ‘tards, I know how he’s thinking. Neither Perry nor any of the teabaggers in Texas or anywhere else have the mental acumen to get the conflict that you want to secede but first, send us another batch of help, stat. It’ wacky, I know, but trust me. The same people who bitch about taxes are just as vocal when our bridges fall in and there’s no money to fix them.

    They’re not called ‘tards for nothing, you know.

  6. [re=299891]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Hey, they got them pig farms up in the Panhandle near my old hometown of Spearman.
    And unlike cattle feedlots they DO NOT smell like money!

  7. [re=299889]Bearbloke[/re]: There’s not enough videos of Benny Hinn farting.

    And regarding my governor…ahem…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And hurricane season is on its way. As I remember correctly, Perry became a socialist when Hurricane Ike destroyed Galveston.

  8. [re=299878]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Ohhhhh. That is too fucking good a metaphor not to have published in every goddamned newspaper from here to there! BOOTY CALL.

  9. Well I hope everyone is happy ’cause poor Matt Drudge is just beside hisself:

    Possible Outbreak At NYC Prep School…
    8 Students Test ‘Probable’…
    Mexico City residents staying at home…
    Calderon Declares Emergency; Power to Quarantine…
    WHO declares international concern…
    2 cases found in Kansas…
    New swine flu likely widespread…”

    As this is not related to teh ass fucking I hope any of you that have piggy relations simply die and let him have his moment in the sun. Or darkened, sticky room as the case may be.

  10. [re=299920]Joshua Norton[/re]: The weirdest thing is there’s few places in Texas you can have hair like that. In the Panhandle and West Texas the wind blows most of the time, in the south and east parts of Texas it’s so humid any hair longer than an inch (man or woman) has to use lots of spray.

  11. I’d love to see the look on Perry’s face when the CDC says “Gee, we’d love to help ya, but unfortunately we’re all outta swine-flu vaccine. Where did you think your tax dollars went?! Now, would you rather be alive and a few-thou shorter each year, or dead? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

  12. Urk! I’m in Houston… I can feel the swine flu swirling around me. Don’t let your computer mouse drift too close to this message or you might catch something.

  13. [re=299891]DustBowlBlues[/re]: One of the really annoying things about stupid people like Perry (and his ilk) is they don’t know when today’s stupid contradicts yesterday’s stupid.

  14. I’m sorry where did you say you were calling from…TEX-AS? Um, I’m sorry I don’t see TEX-AS on our list of recognized states. Are you sure you sent in your annual renewal form? Oh, I see, you DIDN’T send it in? But you were hoping you were still covered? Yeah…oh-kay…sure I see why you’d want to check on that but I’m afraid we can’t help…You guys are pretty close to Mexico, right? I hear they have pretty good drugs over there…maybe they can…oh, I see, you’re not speaking to Mexico. Well, I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you today Mr..uh..Perry. Buh-bye.

  15. Haha Rick Perry apparently wants to model Texas’ succession after a kid who moves out of his parents house and then returns each night to eat dinner and each weekend to have his mom do his laundry. Wait ’til the end of the month when the utilities are due. What a wanker, also.

  16. I’m worried about Gov. Perry’s health. I just put into his office that I would like to volunteer to apply the rectal thermometer.

  17. [re=299883]Spiro Agnew[/re]:
    Herbal TEABAG Home Remedy for Swine Flu for the Secessionists:

    2 tsp Libertarian Fairy Dust
    1 Cow Chip
    1 Cactus Needle tinged with Hemlock.

    Wingnut Health Care Policy: “Pray you don’t get sick”

  18. I’m looking forward to Rush’s (silent) take on this. I’m guessing he’s going to emphasize the MEXICAN part about it, kind of like the AFRIKANIZED KILLER BEEZ

  19. He can get the Federal assistance, but only on the condition that he step aside for the next two months and let Ray Nagin be governor. If anyone deserves to see what it’s like to have a federal government that helps you when you need it the most, it’s him.

  20. What? The Great Republican Nation of Texas doesn’t have its own CDC and anti-viral supply/production? And no money to buy it at market value? Well, they don’t sound like much of a country at all. They sound more like an administrative district of a much larger, more effective country, to which they are appallingly ungrateful. But that can’t be right. Rick Perry, your thoughts?

  21. This was after unsuccessful attempts with the TCDC (Texas Center for Disease Control) which consists of black magic, alchemy and religious prayer.

  22. [re=299908]yanquilandia[/re]: “I thought tea was good for the flu…”

    Youre right and now the Dems in DC have a monopoly on all the tea in America. I’m sure no tea bagger will object to capitalist forces at work

  23. Here’s your flu meds, Governor Hairdo:

    “Teabag. Apply directly to the forehead. Teabag. Apply directly to the forehead. Teabag. Apply directly to the forehead. Teabag is available at groceries and coffee shops near you.”

  24. [re=300013]BobLoblawLawBlog[/re]: I think that calcium hates him too because it looks like he has a screaming case of early-onset osteoperosis.

  25. Did you hear the one about the Texas Governor who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die?

    When he finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, his doctor leans over to hear him sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’

  26. “Where’s your God now, Moses”
    Divorce is liberating and empowering. No inhibitions to say “Go fuck yourself!” It just rolls off the tongue so easily.

  27. [re=299990]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It looks like Gov. Hairdo’s mission accomplished pose he did at Camp Mabry for his taped speech at the RNC.

  28. [re=299920]Joshua Norton[/re]: actually, have you noticed that you NEVER see Gov. Perry and former Gov. Blago at the same place at the same time??? I’m just sayin…

  29. I’m in Dallas. All Wonkettes just got the swine flu from reading these words. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!

    Ok but seriously Perry is a twatwaffle.

  30. I have an idea!!!!
    Let’s set the defense line just North of Texas.
    Texans can declare a Republic and fight the virus at the Alamo.
    George W. Bush could lead the troops. Or Tommy Franks> He’s from Texas and a loser also.

  31. [re=299890]Scandalabra[/re]: Number 2: The widow Sekula-Gibbs… Wouldn’t stop talking about her dead Latino husband… Very disturbing!

  32. [re=299890]Scandalabra[/re]: And I’ve always often wondered about Governor Perry’s thoughts about Cohen Bros.’ screen adaptations of works by Cormac McCarthy. And Hillcoat/Penhall screenplays of works of McCarthy, in general.

    Would love to know, friendo:

    Just how dangerous is he?
    Compared to what? The bubonic plague?

  33. Somehow I imagine that the guy behind Gov. Perry, the one who appears to be pissing on the airplane, is humming that “Highway to the Danger Zone” song.

  34. What kind of pussy is afraid of a germ? If Rick Perry were a REAL TEJAN he’d just shoot the fuckers away cause that’s what guns are for right? All your problems can be solved by just fucking shooting. Flu? Kill it with bullets. Ebola? Bullets. Financial problems. Bullets.

  35. [re=300046]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Damn right, Manchu. At least SOMEBODY understands that the real problem is ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

  36. [re=300046]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Sheeeeit, that’s not how Perry’ll go at ’em. Why waste bullets when you can string those Mexi-viruses up as a warning to the others? The Gov’s gonna git hisself a posse and some flexible fullerene nano-rope and have a good ol’ fashioned Texas tree decoratin’.

  37. [re=300050]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Lou Dobbs is probably already on it. Count down to the “Swine Flu would never have reached us if ’tweren’t for the sneeeeky Messicans disregardin’ our border” rant. Right before the old man comes in his pants and Jesus weeps.

  38. there the federal government goes again, it just can’t help being horribly oppressive with its stupid aid for epidemics. one day texas will be a sovereign nation, and won’t have to put up with oppressive bullshit like this anymore.

  39. [re=299936]OReillysVibrator[/re]: It’s a fact that a Texan has sex with a pig every 15 seconds. 37K doses aren’t nearly enough.

  40. [re=300081]liquiddaddy[/re]: It’s only dangerous if you don’t use protection. Oh wait … they’re against birth control aren’t they? ‘Splains a lot. OINK! OINK!

  41. What did it take, two weeks for Texastan to become a diseased,third world shit pit?
    You got wait in line with the rest of the furriners, Rick, put your application in with Hillary Clinton, since it’s the State Department that handles the USAID program, she’ll call you when she has a minute.Oh, and it helps if you hire a lobbyist and contribute to the political action committees of US politicians…but I think you probably knew that.
    Vio Con Dios, Amigo!

  42. My guess is that this Mexico’s revenge for all of their gangs being able to sneak across the borders and buy their guns in Texas. Call it Montezuma’s Revenge II: Día del Juicio Final

  43. [re=300050]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Michelle Malkin is on it. Wouldn’t you know some illegal who walks across the dessert and then coughs on you on a construction job is the reason this spreads.
    Not that people legally travel to and from Mexico.

  44. Perry is such a hypocrite – undoubtedly a closet Liberal. (And Reublicans thought they got rid of the last of them with Chris Shays.)

    Ten days ago Perry was in a closed-to-press meeting with state religious leaders getting a jump start on the goober-natorial primary; next, he is at the tea parties talking about state succession from the Union.

    We do not want Washington’s help. Perry fails to recognize that the swine flu pandemic fulfills Biblical prophecy: the End of Days is upon us.

    Texas gun stores are out of ammunition. But our larders are brimming with canned goods and our armories already fortified.

  45. Bearbloke: I see Ohio and New Jersey cases on that map. And deaths, unfortunately. And France? Israel?

    I thought it was just a Mexico, Texas, sort of California thing.

  46. As the lead singer for Journey, surely Rick can call up some of his Rock Star freinds for a benefit concert. Lets call it “Tard Aid”.

  47. [re=300135]badmuthagoose[/re]: ???

    No cases in Jersey (get closer their all from NY City, including Queens), and one in Ohio. No deaths there.

    Wha Chu talking about?

  48. Easy answer: Texas must lead the call for faith-based initiatives to fight the flu. It works so well with teen-pregnancy, it should be carried over to other (air quote/unquote) “scientific” applications. Use faith-based groups to fight Mormon crickets, monitor volcanoes, and a loaves-and-fishes approach to world hunger.

    What’s the matter, Texas? Your faith not strong enough?

  49. [re=300046]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Freakin Bullets? Grow up, these aren’t 4 Somali pirates we are dealing with here. Only increased and enhanced F-22 can solve this problem. If only Obama had re-prioritized the blessed F-22 program, then we could kill those pig-fuckers good and dead.

  50. YESTERDAY: Down with the federal government, all it does is waste money on volcano monitoring and steal our hard-earned munniez!

    TODAY: A plague sweeps through Texas! WHERE IS THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT???

  51. WTF…so now he’s advocating ‘socialized medicine”????
    Here it is Rick, and it’s oral. I mixed it in with this bag o’dicks just for you.
    Pig dicks that is.

  52. [re=299890]Scandalabra[/re]: Gabriel Garcia Marquez left Swine Flu a few years back, but he’s been known to sit in with Brave Combo when they’re in Austin. I’ve never heard of Perry commenting one way or the other.

    FYI, I got three orders of Tamiflu at the Sonic in Lucas this morning and, for what it’s worth, the girl there said Auto Zone was having a sale. Kind of weird since pig fucking is as popular as ever here in North Texas.

  53. [re=300121]Bearbloke[/re]: Y’all keep that shit down at your end of the country, k? I live just off the end of I-35 in northern MN. We’re setting up roadblocks in Iowa. Ain’t no pigs gettin in.

  54. Now the ass-breathers want Federally funded SCIENCE to come in and save their sorry nostrils? From a MUTATED virus? There ain’t no such thing. Can’t even see um anyway and even so, you ever see a monkey give birth to a Texan? I’ll believe in mu-fukin-tashun when I see THAT.

  55. [re=300211]BadKitty[/re]: I’m with ya buddy! But fortunately I’m far away from the Plague Zone (PZ) now. I say set the Quarantine Line at the SD/IA/WI souothern border, the ND/SD western border and seize the UP before it’s too late!

    All that said, be sure to save me a good stock of Walleye, 100 lbs. of venison sausage from Steve’s Country Foods in Browerville & a few kegs of Hamm’s from the bar & grill next door, ’cause I’m coming to visit this fall…

  56. Perhaps Gov. Guy Whitey Corngood will send out his Fag Patrol to cordon off cities to save whitey. Can’t have the best & the brightest destroyed by the pigbird plague. If he doesn’t save the good, pure white people then Texas will be in danger of becoming majority brown in the very near future.


    Oh, right. Never mind.

  57. Okay people!! Not all of us Texans play with snakes on Sunday and sing praises to the Republican Facists pigs in power down here! In fact, some of us are trying to start a movement, if any Texan is interested! Switch your voter registration to Independent…..then you can vote in the Repug primaries and start to pick off the morons and looney birds one at a time!!! Texans want to secede from Republican insanity; Gov. Perry should be put in a straight jacket and heavily medicated….he’s just plain insane!

  58. [re=299961]Mr Blifil[/re]: Would ya use one of them thermometers that you can sometimes find outside banks? Nice and big enough to easily read and all?

    There is one about hunert feet tall along I15 between LA and Vegas…

  59. As a native Houstonian, I am appalled at Rick Perry and quite a few of the jerks that call themselves Americans all the while constantly giving the President the finger. I will hope that Texans see that Perry would be willing to let us all hang for his own political benefit and vote his ass out. If I could find a job in either the west coast or the east coast, I would move my family out of this god forsaken place. Believe me, there is no one more sick of Texas and the Texas mentality than I. These people are still racists, and bigots. They hate the “e-le-guls”, and have no desire to accept anyone that thinks differently from them and their faux christian values. As a black person, I experience and know many that experience the bias daily. The Republian party is played out. Hopefully they will succeed in their need to secede. I say good riddance!

  60. [re=301293]102415[/re]: Wait! No! I love my new virual vacation avatar.
    Thank you Edit Profile. Now some day you will fix my too too long pass word too. Yes?

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