moar smarts

Joe ‘Stumper’ Barton Has A New Thought About The Future, See?

Holy shit, he's an opossumTexas Rep. Joe Barton has been harnessing all of the momentum he built up the other day when he kicked the everlasting fuck out of that Chinese science fag, “Choo Choo,” with his mind powers. According to the Sierra Club hippies, Barton followed up yesterday with this uber-pwnage: “Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) says Americans will only drive hybrids under military force: Barton not only said that hybrids don’t pay for themselves over time, which isn’t true, but he said that Americans will only drive them when forced to do so by the government, ‘backed by the army.'” It’s hilarious how close Joe Barton pushes the limit but always stops just before shouting “I LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE OIL COMPANIES TELL ME TO DO.” And yes, the military will make us drive gay robot cars, for Gaia. [Sierra Club]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • kthxbai…also

    he’s right 4 sho

  • Custerwolf

    Jesus christ, Barton, does your face hurt? Because damn, boy – it is KILLING me. Srsly.

  • chascates

    And you people thought Tom DeLay was the only bat-shit crazy from Texas (he never met a pesticide he didn’t love)! We have a 20-year supply and in most parts they are see as TRUTHTELLERS and PATRIOTS. Smokin’Joe says not only is there no global warming there is no pollution neither.

    Meghan, make a road trip and try to ‘modernize’ these goobers.

  • ChernobylSoup

    He’s right. There an exception written into posse comitatus act for the very eventuality that the feds want to force us to drive gay cars.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I guess Barton has never noticed that transmission fluid is pink. Don’t tell him.

  • Min

    Texas…it’s like a whole ‘nother country. A really, really stupid country.

  • DustBowlBlues

    “I LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE OIL COMPANIES TELL ME TO DO.”

    Which is why Senator Inhofe (R–Phillips/Conoco) has more integrity. He’s willing to just step right up and admit it.

  • rambone

    I don’t see what he’s complaining about.

    Once Barry drops “don’t ask don’t tell” and allows gays to serve openly, the army will be full of poofters and we can all ignore anything the government says. Well, anything except stuff dealing with fashion, interior decorating, and possibly tea-bagging.

  • Sussemilch

    [re=299123]Min[/re]: They’re building that border fence on the wrong border.

  • memzilla

    Rep. Joe Barton (R-Exxon): Don’t worry, sir, in the Ninth Circle of Hell, you won’t notice the global warming at all. Oops, sorry, in Texican, that should be “a tall.”

  • bitchincamaro

    So we’ll all be driving Willys Jeeps soon? Huh, wha?

  • sati demise

    sheait, the government forced my boyfriend to buy a SUV with a fuc*in tax break.

  • Uncle Glenny

    Is he jealous that he didn’t get the deal where you strap a propane tank on your SUV and the gummint pays for a lot of it?

  • chascates

    And with a face like that you just expect to hear “Yuk, yuk, yuk” come out of his mouth. Gomer Pyle was really a brainiac compared to this guy. I’m embarrassed for most of our Texas politicians (excepting Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards, Jim Hightower, “Mickey” Leland, Henry B. Gonzales, Ralph Yarborough) but this strain is now the majority.

    I say now, but believe me folks, give us another 5-6 years and things will turn around. They’ll be conservative Democrats in charge but you have to start somewhere.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Americans won’t do the sensible thing unlessed forced to under pain of death? That sounds accurate to me. Anyone who disagrees with that can talk to a creationist for fifteen minutes.

  • magic titty

    But can we cum in his hair?

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Hey Joe,
    How ’bout a 2010 model Pontiac, with a trunk full of dicks.

  • Custerwolf

    [re=299119]Jukesgrrl[/re]: He like’s tranny fluid that’s more whitish in color.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Yeah, laugh libtards. It is all fun and games until some young punk Marine is kicking your ass into a damn jap car at the end of his M-16.

    You have been warned!

  • Brendan M.

    I watched most of the cap and trade/global warming hearing today, with Al Gore talking slowly about science and all that queer/Jew stuff to stupid fucktards from Texas like Barton and Burgess. It was painful. Barton also said global warming and higher C02 levels are good for coral reefs and Dubya’s accountant, Rep. Burgess, tried to claim that scientists don’t really agree on all that “science” stuff. There was also some stupid asshole who tried to accuse Al Gore of being in league with zombie Ken Lay to steal all the money from white Christians with a “light-switch tax,” to which Al Gore responded that he wasn’t the one who knew Mr. Lay as “Kenny-boy.”

    UGH! These assholes are driving me crazy! I’m making myself a Tom Collins, turning off C-SPAN and the internets, and doing a little gardening/morel hunting.

  • freakishlystrong

    Newell, see you rally CAN do alt text!

  • Min

    [re=299127]Sussemilch[/re]: Yup.

    I keep saying we ought to give it back to Mexico. Doing so would send the Republicans into a very satisfying fit of apoplexy, and the Mexican government could use the influx of weapons to fight the drug cartels.

  • Paterlanger

    If those smarty-pantses at Sierra Club are so sure that Hybrid cars do pay for themselves then maybe they can explain why my Salad Shooter never did pay for itself with the time it save.

  • Red Zeppelin

    [re=299157]Custerwolf[/re]: [re=299151]magic titty[/re]: Oh! Maybe a tranny already came in his hair?

  • Tommmcatt

    He’s looking a little inbred, don’t you think?

  • Pat Pending

    I say that Texas can secede if we can treat it like a penal colony. Like England with Australia. We could send all of ‘teh stoopeds’ down to the Lone Star State so they can hang out with their own. Cuz this fucktard is a classic example.

    Yeah, yeah, we’ll keep Austin and wall it off, like Berlin…

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Why doe Joe Barton hate the military so?

  • Uncle Glenny

    [re=299158]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Rough trade?

  • CorkPopper

    [re=299175]Tommmcatt[/re]: His eyes look stoned. But just thinking that makes me want to apologize to smart, productive marijuana users everywhere.

  • Mustang

    They can have my semi-haulin’ front ended Hemi V-8 dick-swingin’ truck nutz wearin’ pickup when they pry it off my cold dead flabby butt.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Never you mind that Exxon executive behind the curtain. You put your eyes on my lips a flappin and my hootin and hollerin

  • Min

    [re=299178]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Tiny ordnance.

  • proudgrampa

    I hope he’s not what they mean by “Lone Star State of Mind.”

  • Red Zeppelin

    What’s with the weird smile? Is he sitting on a sybian?

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    When Texas secedes, it will make Joe Barton its King.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=299151]magic titty[/re]:
    Texas hair gel?

  • PrairiePossum

    If we hang a gun rack in the back window and attach a big pair of red, white and blue truck nutz to the hybrid, I’m sure Joe would find it acceptable.

  • rachelv

    [re=299175]Tommmcatt[/re]:

    http://www.destgulch.com/movies/deliver/deliv01.jpg

    he done growed up real big!

  • Hooray For Anything

    Sometimes I feel sorry for members of the Republican Party who are actually intelligent and moderate, like those who see conservatism as a legitimate philosophical construct, for having their views and party represented these days by a bunch of know-nothing redneck buffoons who revel in being know-nothing redneck buffoons. And then I realize that they’ve basically put let the buffoons run the party because they, until recently, won elections and then I channel Nelson Muntz and say ha ha, followed quickly by “suck it.”

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Heh. I guess all those snobby Prius drivers aren’t smug after all.

    They’re merely relieved that they managed to fend off a military strike.

  • Hedley Lamar

    Was it really such a good idea to keep the south from seceding lo those many years ago. Think of all the shit we could have avoided if those goobers had their own feckin’ country.

  • threeb

    Is it just me, or do most of these wingnuts resemble Greys from Zeta Reticuli? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Alienigena.jpg

  • McDuff

    The other day, someone noted that old Joe has a Master of Science degree (in engineering, I think). Can we petition the company whose cereal box his degree came in to revoke it due to Joe’s case of the stupids?

  • 19kevin8

    [re=299194]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: There will be a bloody Texas civil war then… Chuck wants to be King ‘O Tejas, and I’m sure ol’ Georgie wouldn’t mind another go ’round as head-a state.

  • randomsausage

    Hahahahahaha — this dude is comedy gold. The Bachmann ‘o The South.

  • Come here a minute

    [re=299274]McDuff[/re]: The masters is in management, but his BS is in industrial engineering. He only worked in the field briefly, though, before getting into the dadburn gummint.

  • Georgia Burning

    Can they puhleeese secede again? Under the circumstances the Russians will happily make a one-time exception to the nuclear test ban treaty.

  • Harvey Birdman

    Laura Bush is looking rough with the butch cut.

  • Scandinavian Fetus

    Don’t people usually try to avoid having pictures taken when recovering from a screaming hangover?

    His eyes look like the ass-end of a female baboon in heat.

  • Scandinavian Fetus

    Also, is it just me or are there only “49” stars visible on the flag behind his drunk ass?

  • Baseproduct

    [re=299194]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: No, no, no. I’m not saying we’ll have sane leadership, but Barton is from the part of Texas most people only know exists because they have to drive through it on their way to somewhere civilized. His district is basically a giant highway corridor from Houston to Dallas; the people who don’t follow the highway to one of those cities are the people who end up on camera at Sarah Palin rallies. Also.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    It’s killing me – he looks EXACTLY like some woman that I saw on the intertubes a few months back, replete with that odd, smug expression. But I can’t for the life of me recall who.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Looks like the military has really been kickin’ butt recently:

    http://www1.eere.energy.gov/vehiclesandfuels/facts/2008_fotw514.html

  • Bruno

    Master Barton really turns me on. If only I were old enough to be a congressional page. Just the way he speaks and uses such sexy words, wow, I guess I’m finished

    Master Barton for Prezident 2012!!!1!!

  • OzoneTom

    [re=299231]Hooray For Anything[/re]: They are a dwindling force and keeping a low profile.

    I’ve met a few — so I know that, like leprechauns, they exist. But their numbers are insignificant even in a diminished party and are easily siphoned-off to fringe lobes like ronpaulism, and shamwowism.

  • urrca

    [re=299230]rachelv[/re]: That’s hysterical and nauseating.

  • Servo

    This swine (pig-eyed sack-o-shit) obviously has the flu.

  • Kidshowbusiness

    Man, if the oil companies spent as much money on developing clean alternative energy sources as they do on buying up politicians their monopoly would be secure for generations to come. Just as well they’ve chosen to do it this way I guess.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=299532]Bruno[/re]: I support any measure that leads to more Master Barton.

  • grandcooliedamn

    Barton will have the last of the V8 Interceptors… a piece of history!

    Texas is already a white line nightmare…bring on the Schweinvogel-Menschengrippe!

  • chascates

    Shit-eating grin in 3-2-1 . . .