Wonkette
Mormon crickets: If you live, say, anywhere in the American West, you know these horrifying animals as a persistent cannibal scourge that can form a phalanx a mile across and two miles long, marching through the desert in search of food. If you are a senator “from” Arizona who grew up in Virginia and spent most of his life in Washington D.C., they are a punch line to a terrible joke.
Towns across Nevada and Utah are bracing for swarms of Mormon crickets to invade this year, and will use everything from poison to loud music to repel the “blood-red, ravenous insects” who fucking eat each other, for food, in their inexorable march across the desert.
Sometimes the bodies get stacked so high that municipalities hire in snowplows to get them off the road. Oh and also, they will get into your house and just sit on your forehead while you sleep, looking at you and wondering how they are going to cram over a hundred pounds’ worth of human flesh down their gullets.
John McCain should act like a True American Hero and volunteer to serve as Mormon cricket “bait” this spring.
Against Insect Plague, Nevadans Wield Ultimate Weapon: Hard Rock [Wall Street Journal]
No, John, crickets are what we hear every time you tell a joke.
Well, we all saw how useless those volcano monitors were…oh, wait..
John McCain as bait? I think much better as a repellent.
I will be twitching over this until roughly 3PM Mountain Time today.
You know what we could use to fry those crickets? An OVERHEAD PROJECTOR.
Git yerself a good ‘cricket’ dog. Mine has a 100% kill rate.
Is WALNUTS still muttering on and on about ‘ear marks’?
Megan, you need to have a little talk w/ yer Dad.
Do they wear little bity white short-sleaved shirts and dark ties?
So crickets are beating out polygamy as the new in-sect?
The least he could have done was try to make a crack about the crickets wearing magic underwear.
Is that the kind of cricket that returns every FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN?
Custerwolf: Best zinger I’ve read this morning!
So Mormon crickets are basically the Glanton Gang in Blood Meridian? I like it.
$1 million? At four quarters per dollar and five bees for a quarter, that’s 20 MILLION BEES.
lightninglouie: Forget the projector - I hear the USDA’s idea is to build a gigantic magifying glass.
Custerwolf: Go straight to bad pun jail.
This invasion consists of one male cricket, his 300,000 bonnet wearing wives and 6 million children
Is it too late to change my vote? I can’t believe this country passed up a chance to have another know-nothing asshole as president. And in these trying times, too!
I bet those crickets won’t even drink coffee. Do they
have magical insect underwear?
SayItWithWookies: McCain is neither cute nor funny enough to get away with that much stupid.
Oh and if someone could please reach up and put an ‘n’ on that “magifying” up there, I’d be much obliged.
Custerwolf: Oh SNAP!
Bypartizoa: Not unlike Jacob Zuma, eh?
Also, didn’t McCain grow up in the Monster Island District of the Panamanian Free Zone, meaning that the only menaces he’s concerned about are H.G. Wellsian dinosaur-types?
Our Hero
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/87531485-INSANE-IN-THE-MEMBRANE
Can we give this asshole back to the VC?
norbizness: Whoa, whoa…calm down bro. No need to unleash the gay, Jewish, AIDS bees all over the SW… http://wherethebeesat.blogspot.com/2007_09_01_archive.html
“Yo, Angel Moroni! Where’s the hell’s my damn seagulls, already?”
That ad there to the left of my screen … is sad with the little undershirt and all. I didn’t see the “re-elect” and I thought he was looking for someone to help him to the senate today
Juan Mahcain always proves an ass. Always. When will he learn that whenever he makes a joke about some outrageous government spending the thinks he’s uncovered, it’s actually for something good and he looks like an old man yelling at a cloud. Also. Proof he never lived in Arizona.
I hear that wearing the magik underwear helps you bowl a wicked googly. Which is Mormon for “teabagging,” also.
I’m getting really tired of this Twitter bullshit. Someone needs to come up with a virus that not only causes it to exist but inflicts great pain on its users.
and will use everything from poison to loud music to repel the “blood-red, ravenous insects”
Sorry, an honest mistake there — that’s just a Christian rock band playing at a church picnic.
In all seriousness, the communists in China raise huge armies or chickens to eat their locust infestations. I don’t suppose we could take a page from their notebook, because of teh soshulizms.
Nerdalicious: Thank you.
“… you know these horrifying animals as a persistent cannibal scourge that can form a phalanx a mile across and two miles long, marching through the desert in search of food.”
Wait, is that the crickets or the Mormons?
Did those crickets say they are Mormon? Have little t-shits proudly proclaiming the word of the prophet Jed or whatever his name is? No? My money is on Scientologist crickets. They’re not just in Hollywood anymore, you know.
Sorry for bringing up an ollllllllllllllld tirrrrrrrrred argument (but it’s John McCain so it’s fitting) but $1 million is also 10 minutes spent in Iraq.
AnnieGetYourFun: real american chickens don’t eat crickets, they eat the burned corpses of other diseased “food animals”. and the last thing we need is illegal asian chickens doing the work of real american chickens, that we don’t allow them to do because they are american chickens.
Speaking of Jammacain…in all this “does torture work” talk, how come nobody brings up the confession to war crimes he signed, under torture? Now that the election is over, seems to me that’s 100% fair game when pointing out that the information elicited using these methods might not be, you know, actually helpful in any way.
Sorry, not funny. Buttsecks.
chascates: Amen. I don’t give a shit what most of these twits have to say in long, thought out passages; why should I care about their hourly revelations?
johnnyrocket94158: I’ll second that, but I’m so sleepy from getting up with chickens (a lie–I don’t have chickens) that I can’t remember what custerwolf said. Just that it made me laugh out loud.
freakishlystrong:
Welcome :). Haven’t we just about had enough of the old guard not just going away? Cheney, McCain on & on just stfu already.
I always hear a silent HENGHHH!? at the end of his tweets.
Won’t he EVER go away??? I’m just sayin’.
CorkPopper: McCain’s never been on the Bushie team when it comes to torture. One issue he’s on the right side of.
We can’t let this pork barrel spending to continue!
Lazy Media: Yes, I know, he’s been honorable on that one. But I just think he should be Exhibit A in the argument against Darth Cheney saying that these methods get great intelligence.
Someone taught old Walnuts to use one, simple new technology and he’s been a prime player in making Twitter the most annoying application on the planet. Pray that no one ever teaches this dementia-addled old fart how to use the internets’s webtubes.
I hope the assholes who created Twitter never, ever, figure out a way to sell ads on their crappy little invention so it will float away on a sea of venture capitalists’s lost moneys.
BTW–Surprising lack of trucknutz references lately. Gald to see CorkPopper got one in on buttsecks, or I might think that taylor guy who loves Texas had altered the entire wonkette universe. I’d had to see this turn into KOS.
It’s not legal for these crickets to immigrate into Utah - that’s the existing law. I don’t see what the problem is here - the law is on the books - just enforce the law!
Somewhat off topic, but I was just wondering whether Walnuts, as enamored as he is with his tweeting his every little thought, lets his public know whether he has a good sit down in the morning.
No offense meant to Sen. McCain (R–Batshitcrazyland) of course.
Lazy Media: McCain has an annoying habit of railing against the torture program and then wimping out whenever somebody tries to do anything about it. Just yesterday, he said that if we did investigate the Bushie’s torture tactics it would make us look like a “banana republic.”
no, John, the very fact that the word MORMON describes the crickets would lead any reasonable individual to conclude no one is talking about Brits. or a game.
anyway, should McCain alienate one of the few states Republicans currently win elections?
“Michael Steele gonna have to choke a bitch?!”
ChernobylSoup: Perfect.
Nerdalicious: They’re akin to the Jason Vorhees of politics..
CorkPopper: I agree. He confessed to all kinds of shit under torture. Who wouldn’t? Hell, three minutes in a dentist’s chair and I’m ready to tell him where the troops are landing.
Custerwolf: Lose!
I think this is just Walnuts’s not-so-hidden hostilities towards Mitt manifesting itself. Walnuts hates Mitt’s guts so anything for Utah, the Osmonds or the human or insect forms of Mormons is a no go for Walnuts.
Texan Bulldoggette: To be fair to McCain, who doesn’t hate Mitt, Utah, cricket infestations, or the Osmonds?
ChernobylSoup: It’s those little cute bicycles that get me.
Hooray For Anything: I really don’t get the Banana Republic references the Repubtards all make. (WTF? Does Karl Rove still give them early morning updates on the phrase to overuse that day?).
Isn’t the fact the Bush/Cheney admin ordered torture make them the Banana Republic dictators? In the aviator style mirror dark glasses, to quote the rest of the daily Repubtard talking point.
Hooray For Anything: I don’t know why he’s worried about that. Chimpy and Darth had been making us look like a Banana Republic for years.
ChernobylSoup: Oh, snap. That was perfect.
Hooray For Anything: Yeah, I wasn’t saying he was wrong–just psychoanalyzing him! I miss the Mittens/Walnuts slapdowns. Sigh…so long until 2012.
Hooray For Anything: I’m with him and Hopey on the “Don’t prosecute the former most-powerful-people-in-the-world” front. That’s why Rome became an empire instead of staying a republic, because the shitbird Republicans in Rome were gonna prosecute Julius Caesar for whatever as soon as he relinquished his legions. So he said, “Hey, I got these here legions, let’s try another way to handle it.” I think there should be a VERY high bar against prosecuting guys for anything other than personal corruption (a la Nixon).
ChernobylSoup: “Do they wear little bity white short-sleaved shirts and dark ties?” Yeah, you can spot them 100 miles away. Around here they also ride bicycles (with bike helmets) because driving cars hurts Jesus’s feelings.
Cranky Old Batt: Come and listen to my story ’bout a prophet named Jed
with sixty billion Gryllidae he had to get fed
Sent ‘em out West to eat everything in sight
and sit on people’s heads in the middle of the night.
Black bugs. Eighth plague.
Well before too long the bugs were everywhere
Riding little bikes and wearing magic underwear
Folks got hungry and without food-buying means
so they cooked up the bugs in a batch of Hobo Beans.
Nice and crunchy. Extra fiber, too.
DustBowlBlues: It’s the idea of the Ins prosecuting the Outs, which mainly happens in countries where the change of power occurs because of a coup. As awful as the Bushies were, I can see Hopey’s desire to avoid that sort of precedent, which very quickly can become a tit for tat every time the party in power changes.
Also, it’s just weird for the winners of a war to be prosecuted for war crimes. Kinda like PETA rescuing lobsters: intellectually consistent, but a bit out of touch with reality.
Cranky Old Batt: “Have little t-shits”
Jeez, that’s gonna be a tough one. Sometimes they come out looking like the letter ‘J,’ but this sounds a bit more complicated.
Cranky Old Batt: Scientologist crickets wouldn’t eat anything, they’d just hang out at shopping malls doing personality tests on the roaches in the food court. Now, those muslim crickets, that’s another thing!
No money for Utah mormon crickets until there is funding for every state along the Mississippi to dig out of the piles fish flies every 17 years.
Buzz Feedback: I see it playing out like Ruthless People. Only with nap-time and apple sauce. I like it.
Texan Bulldoggette: Wait, I thought everyone hated Mormons? It’s like the one thing that teh gheyz and teh Baptists agree on, right?
NebraskashireGentry: Dear God what I wouldn’t give to hear Michael Steele say that. Of course, knowing him, he’s probably a week or two away from saying it in some urban-suburban hip-hop setting. Or on the teevee.
Georgia Burning: I think Scientologist crickets would also only hang out in Hollywood. And they’d probably be gay but trying really hard not to be.
I’m going with faith-based insect control initiatives or maybe seagulls to prevent teen pregnancy.
73 posts, and not ONE Buddy Holly joke? This is the day the music died.
bitchincamaro: In Lubbock, we used to go through a bad part of town and drink beer at Buddy’s grave. Shit, we used to drink beer lots of places in Lubbock. I thought about “Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.”
Banana Republic? Walnuts should know that we are Old Navy at best, maybe the Gap on a good day…
Towns across Nevada and Utah are bracing for swarms of Mormon crickets to invade this year, and will use everything from poison to loud music to repel the “blood-red, ravenous insects” who fucking eat each other, for food, in their inexorable march across the desert.
The trick is to get them to start eating each other earlier, rather than later. I recommend a judicious use of honey mustard.
I don’t tweet. Does anyone know if Walnuts has any 140 character comments about the fact Ireland, whose economy he touted less than a year ago as a business-friendly model the US should emulate, just declared a five year austerity plan because of the disastrous condition of their economy? Anything? No?
DustBowlBlues: *crickets*
The Republicans are becoming the Beevis and Butthead of our national discourse. Crickets…heh… heh…heh Volcanos…heh…heh…heh New Orleans..heh…heh…heh… WhatEVER you LOSERS who live, like, near the outside.
A Better American Than YOU: And the good old drive out to Pinkie’s. I miss those fried chicken livers & gizzards.
chascates: God totally hates me, so I spent seven years there. That was two decades ago, and I’m still getting the dust out of my hair.
You know the thought of Meghan covered in swarming crickets is really turning me on.
I’d also like to spank/tourture Walnuts with a cricket bat. That would make me real Hard.
Okay, this is really fucking gross. I had no idea what a mormon cricket was, so I got all wikipediafied.
“When a large band crosses a road it can cause a safety hazard by causing distracted revulsion on the part of the driver, and by causing the road surface to become slick with their fluids.”
I’m going to vomit all over John McCain.
Just as my lizard is going into hibernation. He don’t know what he’s missing.
Custerwolf: AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!! Win! I nearly suffered a WRI (Wonkette-related Injury) snorking hot coffee into my sinuses from that one.
Sometimes I can manage a sort of “C”, as well as the traditional “J” and “I”, and, occasionally, even something that closely resembles an “@” sign, or, very very rarely, an “&”.
But yeah … no “T”. Not without shifting my orientation across the seat, anyway.
I’d also recoiled (hmm) at that typo, but hadn’t thought of anything funny to say about it. Thanks for stepping up to the plate … or bowl, as it were.