• May 26, 2012
STATISTICS PROVE IT

April 24, 2009

2008 Election Rendered Invalid, Due To Campaign Heavyweights’ Lack Of College Degrees

by Sara K. Smith  

Plouffe before his first cup of coffee.Steve Schmidt and David Plouffe are both shiftless, do-nothing losers who will never make a dime because they did not spend the requisite four-plus years drinking cheap beers and having awkward sex with people they did not particularly like at “college.” Both of them in fact dropped out of the University of Delaware, in the process sealing their fate as unemployable hobos. And this is why you must stay in school, children! Because otherwise you might end up pursuing a tawdry life in “politics,” which is basically just “prostitution for ugly people.”

Delaware is, so to speak, the two politicos’ Almost Mater. Schmidt attended the University from 1988 to 1993 and Plouffe attended from 1985 fall [sic] 1988. Both were – and, in fact, are – political science majors: A spokeswoman for the university, Andrea Boyle, said one part of the day’s visit had been a meeting with school officials to hash out the details of finishing their respective degrees.

Plouffe, who dropped out to work on Tom Harkin’s presidential campaign and caught the political bug and never returned, will do some on line work “via distance learning” and “will come back to campus to finish some in person, while he works on his book, she said.

Schmidt, who is just one math class short of his degree, will complete it online, Boyle said.

These two doomed, futureless sad-sacks believe that finishing college through a goddamn correspondence course will save them from their fate, when in fact it guarantees they will become housebound sociopaths who spend their days writing long ranting emails to every news source on the planet, ending each incoherent screed with “PhD”, to prove that they are “educated.”

Schmidt, Plouffe on long-shot McCain [Politico]

{ 47 comments }

lovekills April 24, 2009 at 11:51 am

I never get enough of that picture!!!!

Texan Bulldoggette April 24, 2009 at 11:55 am

Schmidt, when not surrounded by Snowbillys & douche bag Rs, is probably fairly agreeable. I do question that he went for 5 years & still managed not to graduate, but at least he didn’t school shop technical, beauty & community colleges in 6 states until they cried Uncle & gave him a degree. (Wink, wink at you, Snowbilly!)

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2009 at 11:56 am

“…the requisite four-plus years drinking cheap beers and having awkward sex with people they did not particularly like…”

I don’t know — looking at the pic of both of them in Politico, I can’t see how the sex would be anything but awkward. Plouffe usually looks better in photos, but Schmidt — oh, dear. God gave us night for a reason.

jodyleek April 24, 2009 at 11:56 am

Da maths eez hard. I haz a brayn fartz.

SmutBoffin April 24, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Schmidt, who is just one math class short of his degree, will complete it online, Boyle said.

Great Reagan’s Ghost, what kinda half-assed math class is this that you can finish online?

Question #3: In a Tweet of 140 characters or less, demonstrate that the compactness property implies a locally differentiable structure for a manifold M.

Canmon (the Inadequate) April 24, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Steve Schmidt is three years younger than David Plouffe!? Seriously, Schmidt wishes he looked like the guy in that picture.

Bruno April 24, 2009 at 12:02 pm

PhDs are not for the edumucateds because they are only recognized in one country. Only “Grand PhDs” count which are recognized globally:
http://www.widu.be/demands_to_phd_grand_phd

ManchuCandidate April 24, 2009 at 12:03 pm

I can’t wait for Schimdt’s profs to grade his 4th Year Thesis: Why Sarah Palin.

The schmuck will never graduate.

jodyleek April 24, 2009 at 12:05 pm

[re=298773]Bruno[/re]: “Grand Doctor of Philosophy”? Does Grand Wizard count?

TimeCubist April 24, 2009 at 12:05 pm

[re=298770]SmutBoffin[/re]: You’re talking about Jell-O sculpture, right?

Uncle Glenny April 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Shouldn’t Plouffe, as one of those hippy-commie-socialist types, be staying up at night arguing philosophy and drinking cheap red wine?

Or am I showing my age?

Uncle Glenny April 24, 2009 at 12:11 pm

[re=298770]SmutBoffin[/re]: There really isn’t an M, because Twatter actually is using 256-byte chunks, minus a short header, and stealing your brain waves, encoded using steganography.

srsly, I think all sorts of stuff can be done completely online now, although I’m very curious as to how they manage certain things given the purported rise in cheating and plagiarism over the last few decades.

memzilla April 24, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Here’s another reason we need universal military service. I guar-an-freakin’-tee that if the Vietnam War had still been happening in 1985, they would have STAYED IN SCHOOL for teh defermentz.

II-S YES, 1-A NO WAY!

They would have still had degrees in Epic Fail, but they would have been more productive members of society writing for Stars & Stripes.

TimeCubist April 24, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=298773]Bruno[/re]: For the decision of global problems the specialists must have fundamental grounding in many areas of a science, techniques, and humanitarian disciplines in a complex.

Yes? Pray, continue.

hailripley April 24, 2009 at 12:21 pm

I dropped out of college way before those guys, and what do I get?

SmutBoffin April 24, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Also, if Plouffe or Schmidt wanna experience the awkward sex thing, they could just as well turn on the Bob Marley, empty half a pitcher of Natty Lite over their heads, wrench on their testicles really hard, then get the dumbass from next door to interrupt the whole process in order to borrow a bong.

Suds McKenzie April 24, 2009 at 12:23 pm

so they wont need a bailout?

magic titty April 24, 2009 at 12:23 pm

I found college to be more ‘awkward beers and cheap sex’, but that’s just me.

WadISay April 24, 2009 at 12:25 pm

“The McCain campaign, Schmidt said, was “the strategic equivalent of throwing a football through a tire at 50 yards…”

Six months of working with McCain must make it pretty tough to get the Viagra ads out of your head.

BTW, so, are we in an armistice of expediency with Politico now, or was there a surrender on the deck of the Missouri and I missed it?

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 24, 2009 at 12:27 pm

So, we can all agree, the University of Delaware sucks.

norbizness April 24, 2009 at 12:35 pm

They should have taken the Palin route and combined their degree-seeking with an eight-year crawl around the various unaccredited universities in the Pacific Northwest, before finally settling on a major in Eyeliner at Couer d’Alene Upstairs Cosmetology College.

Bill_TX April 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Unless you’re going to be an engineer or doctor or
some such, college is just a waste of time.

Lascauxcaveman April 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm

[re=298786]Uncle Glenny[/re]: I think all sorts of stuff can be done completely online now, although I’m very curious as to how they manage certain things given the purported rise in cheating and plagiarism over the last few decades.

One way is to have your students’ hand in their papers on disc or flash drive, then cut n’ paste anything that looks fishy in teh Googles.

Bearbloke April 24, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=298762]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You forgot to mention Bible Spice’s credits from Clown College (aka the 2008 GOP campaign)…

SmutBoffin April 24, 2009 at 12:45 pm

[re=298827]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Heh, they never learn, do they? Whenever the semi-literate scrawl magically transforms to coherent, polysyllabic English, it’s a dead giveaway. Srsly, just put a fukkin’ footnote in there and voila you have turned plagiarism into good scholarship.

chascates April 24, 2009 at 12:47 pm

I’m still not convinced Delaware exists at all. I’ve never actually meet anyone from there and you practically never hear of it in the news. I think it’s just a scam.

Cape Clod April 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Although Schmidt is talking like a reasonable person now and nixed the idea of snowbilly getting to give her own ‘concession’ speach,(has anybody ever learned the content of that historical document?), that shouldn’t give him a pass. He realized Senator HENGHHH! was a lost cause and ran a campaign designed to fire up the most despicable elements of the voting population. Furthermore, he found their king in that contemtible ass, Joe the shit poker, who inexplicably has yet to completely disappear from the national conciousness. Good luck, trying to convert the knuckledraggers to thinking reasonably, you twat.

american mutt April 24, 2009 at 1:04 pm

shit… i gotta still finish my mfa.

Gurkman April 24, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Well, actually, Karl Rove attended the same Poli-sci school as me… but did so well with the D.C. internship that the RNC hired him on the spot and he dropped out.

Crab1 April 24, 2009 at 1:05 pm

[re=298770]SmutBoffin[/re]: I took all my college math classes online except for multi-variable calculus. Most math is done on computers anyway.

Hooray For Anything April 24, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=298848]chascates[/re]: Delaware is basically a rest stop on the drive between between New York/Philly and DC.

Lazy Media April 24, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Overeducated Projecting Girl is Projecting.

jagorev April 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Didn’t Biden go to Delaware as well? Weird.

Lazy Media April 24, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=298880]Crab1[/re]: Compared to comprehending recent-Asian-immigrant teaching assistants in labs twice a week, I think the Internets would make math easier for most kids. I never had a problem, because I have a natural ear for accents, but some of the Georgia natives at Georgia Tech spend most of their math labs saying, “Do whut now?”

LittlePig April 24, 2009 at 1:30 pm

[re=298770]SmutBoffin[/re]: has TeX been ported to Twitter yet?

SmutBoffin April 24, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=298923]LittlePig[/re]: Lawlz! Although. . .I wonder if students might find it useful to collaborate on problem sets using Twitter. God knows it’s not really useful for anything else.

IslandGirlFL April 24, 2009 at 1:52 pm

They should go ahead and give Plouffe his degree based on the number of emails we all got from him during the campaign.

Uncle Glenny April 24, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=298840]Bearbloke[/re]: Did she get credit for that or just audit it as a refresher for 2012?

bitchincamaro April 24, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=298823]norbizness[/re]: Win.

Mr Blifil April 24, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Plouffe is a poof and Schmidt is a shit. The end.

bitchincamaro April 24, 2009 at 2:35 pm

[re=298893]Lazy Media[/re]: Got my advanced meth degree at Wasilla College.

assistant/atlas April 24, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=298848]chascates[/re]: Yea, Joe Biden just made it all up:

Joe Biden: Hey, my train was late coming in from Wilmington, but I’m here now, where’s my office?
Senate Sergeant: Uh…who are you?
Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden, I’m the new Senator from Delaware.
Senate Sergeant: Delaware? Never heard of it.
Joe Biden: It’s uh, wedged in there between New York and Pennsylvania.
Senate Sergeant: Oh….are you sure that’s not a county or something?
Joe Biden: No! I mean, uh, actually it was the first state to ratify the Constitution. Yeah, the “First State”.
Senate Sergeant: Really, I would’ve thought it was Massachusetts or something.
Joe Biden: Yeah, no, um, Delaware.
Senate Sergeant: Huh, how ’bout that…well, you can take John Kerry’s office. We had to set him up on the lawn, his chin wouldn’t fit indoors.
Senator Joe Biden: Thx!

daisy chain April 24, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=298876]american mutt[/re]:
correction: Shit! I still have to finish my M.F.A. or Shit! I’ve still got to finish my M.F.A.

You’ve got a lot of work to do, I see. Unless your M.F.A is not in writing, in which case, carry on.

A Better American Than YOU April 24, 2009 at 2:47 pm

I love the phrase: “dropped out to work on Tom Harkin’s presidential campaign.” Where would it look better, a resume or an epitaph?

yosoy April 24, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Joe Barton isn’t fooling anyone. I recognize him even with the beard.

Pop Socket April 24, 2009 at 8:09 pm

Red State Blue Hens.

Bruno April 24, 2009 at 8:27 pm

[re=298791]TimeCubist[/re]: Every single picture of the Grand PhD recipients deserve alt-text:

http://www.widu.be/news

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