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House Republicans Want Dat Dere Nippletini Woman At DHS Fahrred Fur Good

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House Republicans now want Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano fired after her department released that memo warning of the “fertile recruiting environment for right-wing extremists” that America has become due to the loss of all national wealth, the black president, shitty immigration policy, and the general idiocy of many American citizens. While the memo was initiated during the Bush administration and followed the release of another memo in January warning about left-wing extremists, Republicans are claiming that Napolitano wants to arrest them all — the entire conservative wing of the country — for some petty partisan non-issue grounded in no factual evidence whatsoever. As Tex Rep. John Carter says above, dadgummit, FAHHR DAT WOMAN. And after the jump, a familiar Congresswoman gets her say as well…

Michele holy shit it IS insane that Barack Obama wants to arrest those who don’t agree with his non-existent tax hikes on white people! (Says the woman who is constantly calling for Revolution.)

Napolitano Facing Republican Calls For Her Ouster [ABC News]
Why God Invented C-Span [Time/Swampland]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Yup because US America history is filled with rationale groups who never use violence for political means like:
    The Aryan Nations
    Tim McVeigh
    James Earl Ray
    John Booth Wilkes
    Richard Andrew Poplawski
    Lee Harvey Oswald
    Earth First (For the RWers)

    Yup. Never.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Hey said “daggum mad”. Without irony. In a speech. On the floor of the House.

    Oh, look, that whiskey bottle that I stashed in my filing cabinet is still there! Problem solved.

  • BillyClubb

    Guns and ammo are in such demand you can’t even make a purchase at the local gun shop. And now “Republicans are claiming that Napolitano wants to arrest them all.”

    What is this going to lead to, the Army vs. armed mobs? I can’t wait…

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Bachmann: you are fucking hearing-crazy. I know you wish you had been around for the McCarthy-era hearings, but you weren’t. You can’t call for a hearing anytime you think someone might not believe every single thing that you hold sacred.

    Also: LAY OFF THE BOTOX, you crazy, crazy bitch.

  • chascates

    And make sure to ask how Alaska and the Arctic (them coooold places) got that oil underneath themselves.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    All right, UNCLE, we get it! TX is full of blowhard dumbshits…isn’t there another state that needs beating up on now? I almost want to move now.

  • mcc

    “Earth First (For the RWers)”

    I’m told apparently there was also a report done at the same time about left-wing extremist groups? But for whatever reason nobody cares about that one.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=298225]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Hey, it’s people in my state who are pushing Steele to call Obama socialist. And we ARE socialist.

  • medievalist

    “I didn’t notice any nuance in this document.”

    Oh, darling batshit crazy Michelle, you have never noticed any nuance anywhere.

  • tootsieroll

    Fucking freaks. Doesn’t just make you want to go up there to the Hill, grab both of them by the hair, or collar, or maybe genitals; drag them down the stairs to an office with a big wipe board, to which you write in huge letters: “THE REPORT WAS COMMISSIONED UNDER FUCKING BUSH YOU FUCKTARD AND THEY ARE NOT COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!1!11!” to when you proceed to shove their face into the board, smearing Expo marker all over it.

  • drrty martini

    I’ve noticed Michele’s sustained crazy is starting to really affect her looks. At first she was crazy and hot – but now you get to see what crazy is like when you have to wake up next to it every morning. Thanks for making M-Bach crazy all the time and ugly NOBAMA. R U HAPPY NOW?

  • chascates

    [re=298225]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I tell you, we all need to move to the Northwest. They’ve got cooler temperatures, more water, and there’s more libruls.

  • Custerwolf

    So THIS is how I find out that Yosemite Sam is gay?

  • grevillea

    Yeah, not so keen on including post-traumatic gun nuts in your DIVERSITY, are you pinkos?

  • Custerwolf

    Pink: the new color of unfuckingbelievablecrazy.

  • qwerty42

    And if Barry doesn’t fahr dat woman, will they all hold their breath until they turn blue?

  • sevenrepeat

    hunker down, grab a bottle and pray for day light!!

  • grevillea

    [re=298232]tootsieroll[/re]: “Wipe board”?! Homeskool FAIL!

  • Custerwolf

    “So, Rep.Carter – how do your speech writers arrive at their decision of whether to have you say “Dadgummit” or “Dagnabbit”?
    I have a follow up.

  • EnBuenOra

    They’s askeert ’cause Barack Obama is gonna send the DHS to take ‘er guns and make ’em gay marry under Shania law.

  • DagNabbit

    Ann Coulter free?

    There has to be a soul trade in there somehwere.

  • iwillsavethispatient

    [re=298248]EnBuenOra[/re]: Shania Law: That don’t impress me much.

  • PerhapsSo

    [re=298239]Custerwolf[/re]: Crazy is the new black.

    I would actually support an arrest of Bachmann for treason or some such thing.

  • S.Luggo

    How wrong you are, Janet Lesbiano. How wrong you are.

  • SayItWithWookies

    They’re not making any progress against Obama on the real issues, so they’ve decided to open up another front: fictional issues. Next on their list to tackle:

    Obama sold Alabama to China!
    He wants to put Plan B in the drinking water!
    All churches must have a little niche in the wall so the people know which way Mecca is!
    New lyrics to the national anthem: “Obama can you see…”
    He’s going to outlaw apple pie!
    Heterosexuals must all wear yellow linked male/female sign!

    There’s no way the Democrat Socialist Party can win in 2010.

  • HMS Nerd

    Wait ’til them thar legal types start comin’ after Ashcroft and them other lawyers for turturing:

  • memzilla

    The CSPAN cameras must all have Steadicam mounts, because if they were hand-held, the images would be bobbing up and down from the cameramen laughing their a**es off.

    Michelle Bachmann, (R-Xanax).

  • President Beeblebrox

    Wow. Watching the Bachmann video with the sound off is an experience in amusement. She’s even more batshit insane silent than when she’s babbling.

    I’d still hit it, though.

  • Gun-toting Progressive

    No, her apology should be “I’m sorry you are so fucking STOOPID that you can’t recognize an internal DHS memo to law enforcement commissioned by George Fucking Bush, and somehow think that this is an attack on the GOP.” Sorta implies that all GOP members are neo-Nazi militia members, doesn’t it?

    Christ, no wonder I can’t buy a fucking box of .22 ammo anywhere.

  • Kinbote

    [re=298265]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Not even with yours, brother.

    Shorter Bachmann: LEAVE TIMOTHY MCVEIGH ALONE!!!

  • SlipperyDick

    I suspect they’ll calm down a bit once they settle in at the concentration camps and start producing fetuses for Obama’s human-animal hybrid breeding program. They just want to feel needed.

  • Hooray For Anything

    I wonder if other people in Congress get as much amusement of Ms. Bachmann as we do. Like do other congressmen txt each other the moment she gets up so they can all get rush back to the floor so they can get first row seats of the craziness or are they too busy hitting up lobbyists to enjoy the insanity?

  • Guppy06

    [re=298232]tootsieroll[/re]: How many times are we allowed to slam them into the wall again?

  • bago

    [re=298230]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Aren’t you Seattle? I don’t need another reason to move to San Fran.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=298214]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Give him credit. It’s very difficult to fake feigned outrage.

  • qwerty42

    Oh yeah, and meanwhile Charles Johnson gets described: “He’s a leftist blogger now”.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    [re=298258]S.Luggo[/re]: Check out the Ohio Militia’s slogan written in Greek at the top of the page:


    Moron soap? Moles ‘n Labia?

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Um, Michele? I don’t think your series of Nazi salutes at the beginning of that clip helped your case any.

  • Nerdalicious

    There won’t even be anymore stars it will just be 50 of that damn nab Hopey “O” !
    There will be an entire new Amurican Flag it will just be that “Hope” pic!

  • Custerwolf

    [re=298280]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I think it means “there’s a sore on your lip.”

  • chascates

    [re=298292]Nerdalicious[/re]: According to Get Your War On it’ll be a white flag with a picture of a burning American flag in the middle of it.

  • Fox n Fiends

    There she goes, palling around with terrorists again

  • tootsieroll

    [re=298258]S.Luggo[/re]: They have a Guestbook. Any takers?

  • tootsieroll

    [re=298243]grevillea[/re]: :( iz not home skooled. Just an old mom with kids in real live school who used them to learn to spell. I am not raising ignorant wingnuts, just good little future bankrupt, liberal, Chinese-owned Americans.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=298282]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: I liked the speech in the original German

  • sarcasticusername

    there are simply no words to describe the degree of crazy stupid that pervades the republican party.

  • tootsieroll

    [re=298272]Guppy06[/re]: Until they confess?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Damn, straight, Michele my looney-belle. Everyone knows that people who are, for instance, devout Roman Catholics, libertarian-oriented, government hating Republican members of the NRA whose appreciation of weapons was passed on by their grandparents and are even army veterans with blond hair and blue eyes could possibly be profiled as potential terrorists.

    What’s sad is how many idiot okies agree with these wingnuts, and the above is, of course, a thumbnail sketch of Tim McVeigh.

  • picyou

    Palin-Bachmann 2012!

  • picyou

    [re=298265]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Looks like she’s singing “Stop, in the Name of Love.”

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=298232]tootsieroll[/re]: Just reading your post gave me a sense of relief, as I pictured the drug-addled hordes of wonkeratti doing exactly what you describe. Thanks. I’m waiting to find out some financial news and needed a laugh.

  • kapish

    I hear Napolitano is offering 3 Ameros each for right wing extremists’ ears brought into any neighborhood
    Illiminati office. That’ll clear up the prollem quick I figger.

  • Brendan M.

    [re=298280]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: [re=298293]Custerwolf[/re]: It is Greek for “come and take them.” It is something the Spartans used to say, so it clearly refers to their anal cavities.

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=298234]chascates[/re]: So many libruls in the northwest I fled because it was so crazy liberal it was oppressive. Now I live in ignorant hick land. If I lived six mos. a year in OK and the other six back in my house in Seattle, it would be just right. Signed, Goldilocks

  • Brendan M.

    I could go for a nippletini right now. I like them dirty and full of gin.

  • sati demise

    [re=298302]Fox n Fiends[/re]: so overfilled with win.

  • Nerdalicious

    At least them cromagnons are creative. Why must they destroy what they love?

  • Tommmcatt

    I sooo wish that the Dems would set up little mock hearings, just to mess with Michelle. You know, tell her they are in one room, then switch it at the last minute, then when she gets there just be sitting around, talking about “American Idol”. Or they could tell her that the hearings are at 4:30am and just not show up. Or they could fill a room with chickens and goats and tell her the hearing was in there…GET CREATIVE DEMS, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

  • grevillea

    [re=298309]tootsieroll[/re]: I shouldn’t have been so mean, sorry. :(

  • Uncle Bubba

    Does this mean that George W. Bush was crazed because of his Viet Nam experience. I heard he was a jamb tight pilot who liked to land his plane and go mono on mono with the slopes. I also heard he kept momentos, mostly male parts, and WORE them around his waist. We sure could have used a DHS back in ’99. Maybe we could have been spared the embarassment created by the prince of putz and his world domination tour. Recruited by crazies and put in the White House, George, I’ma dangerous man just like my daddy, Bush.

  • Brendan M.

    [re=298323]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Come to the Midwest, where we’re pretty moderate. A college town in Ohio, like where I’m from, has a good balance.

  • iolanthe

    [re=298213]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You forgot Eric Rudolph.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=298322]Brendan M.[/re]: If they were basing it on what the ancient Greeks say, wouldn’t it then need to read “We Are Ohio?” ’cause that’s what the movie said they say, except, of course, this time it would be said be fat hillbillies with crooked teeth.

  • smitallica

    I like the little pose she makes at the very beginning. The coy Glamour Shots “thoughtful thumb-on-the-chin” pose. It’s what dumb, vaguely pretty girls learn to do when they talk so they look like they know what the fuck they’re talking about.
    Still doesn’t work in this case, though.

  • tootsieroll

    [re=298330]grevillea[/re]: :) No biggie. I loves me the Wonkette and the Wonkateers.

  • hoosiermama

    Created by cable. Offered as a public service.

    It’s funny that C-span uses that motto because that’s what I say when referring to Levi Johnston. Also.

  • Brendan M.

    [re=298335]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Please don’t quiz me on gay porn.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=298332]Brendan M.[/re]: But then you’re still in Bowling Green. It’s fine for an edgy, slightly kitschy graduate school experience in American Studies but then what?

  • Brendan M.

    [re=298344]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I don’t know. Oberlin, Gambier, Kent, Granville, Yellow Springs, Wooster, or Bowling Green – lots of college towns, which are good for families. Columbus is the San Fransisco of the Midwest, so you can move there, if you’re into that kind of stuff. But I don’t know, I don’t work for the state tourism board or anything. I just want more of you fucking libtards here, to keep me company, and to keep the state blue.

  • answerbird

    [re=298265]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Only if I do it if I had earplugs and a Obama mask.

  • answerbird

    Same fuckers who told us that if we were doing nothing wrong we should not worry about the Patriot Act and warrentless wiretaps.

  • Hopey dont play that game

    I hate myself because the crazier Bachman gets the more I want to hit it. I really need help. Dr. Phil? Jebus? Giant Robot?

  • HughJennicks

    [re=298267]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: Nazis were recruiting at the Tea-bag protests. When Nazis and Conservatives share tea-time together, whose scrotums get licked?

  • ellie

    [re=298332]Brendan M.[/re]: I went to Bowling Green! I thought the locals were a bunch of assholes but Wood County went for Obama, 52% to 46%.

  • chascates

    [re=298399]HughJennicks[/re]: I HATE Oregon Nazis!

  • chascates

    [re=298368]Brendan M.[/re]:Get Ohio to approve medical cannabis and it’s a deal.

  • Captain McAwesome

    am i the only one who think that Michelle Bachmann is kind of foxy?

    …kind of dag’gum foxy??

  • Swampwitch

    [re=298368]Brendan M.[/re]: Dude, I’ve got one brother in SF and one living in Columbus. Columbus aint the SF of nowhere.

  • Swampwitch

    [re=298368]Brendan M.[/re]: More dems in OH would be nice though, I’m tired of fighting my urge to kill the libertarians with all their yapping all the damn time.

  • Heq

    To be fair she is a moron, that being said she’d be replaced by another beaurocrat. I’ll be she at least knows the difference between Shia and Sunni.

    I hope no-one asks her that, I might facepalm too hard and break something.

  • accbll

    Oh God! That cracks me up!!! FAHR FAHR FAHR DAT WOMAN!!!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=298323]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Aw, hell. The Seattle-librul stereotype rears it’s ugly Eddie-Bauer-becapped head again. Sure, latte-town is full of libruls, just like any big town outside of the south. But we gots our dumb little hick towns here in the northwest, too. They’re only half full of libruls (ineffectual hippies; harmless, really).

    [re=298234]chascates[/re]: My sister’s Hobo Palace is still for sale. Priced dirty cheap at only 2000 cans o’ beans! Still parked night the banks of the mighty Elwha River…

  • Lascauxcaveman

    The night is nigh! (Where’s my gin?)

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=298560]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: If all you have to worry about is the Seattle-librul stereotype you are doing mighty fine, Mr. Caveman. Lego jesus christ, we Texans have taken a beating today. Not entirely undeserved, mind you, but still.

  • gurukalehuru

    I only wish that Napolitano were planning on doing what they think she is planning on doing, i.e. herding them into a compound in Waco and setting it on fire. Oh, wait, that was the other dikey looking Janet something-o. Really, Barry should stop trying to be the 1st black Bill Clinton.

  • Bruno

    Say what you want about Obambi’s teleprompter but Rep. Carter from Texas has something really unholy next to him.

  • lulzmonger

    Mmm, Nippletinis – one’s not enough & three is too many.

    Those groups she cites were listed as ones the extremists would recruit from, & not as the threats themselves – as she’d know if her basic reading-skills were any better than those of the average end-table. Bachmann opining on nuance is almost as credible as a bull-dyke opining on miniskirts. Also, seconding AnnieGetYourFun – if Rep. Batshit does any more Botox (&/or gets one more facelift) her cheeks are going to march right up over her bloody eye-sockets.

  • Brendan M.

    [re=298511]Swampwitch[/re]: I only meant it was full of homosexuals, not a great deal of culture or anything. And I disclosed my ulterior motives, so my words can be treated with the appropriate skepticism.

  • Brendan M.

    [re=298408]ellie[/re]: I don’t know about Bowling Green. I have friends who went/go to school there, but I know other places much better. And even the Cincinnati area went to Obama in a ten-point shift from Bush in 2004.

    [re=298419]chascates[/re]: I’ll get back to work on it. Just so you know, we grow a lot here, and we neighbor two states that grow a huge amount of it.

    [re=298700]Bruno[/re]: Mmm, Nippletinis – one’s not enough & three is too many.

    But four is just right.

  • c-freak

    [re=298271]Hooray For Anything[/re]: love it!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=298576]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I guess I was just riffing on all you Texans’ being butthurt about our snarking on your great nation.

  • zenferret

    [re=298280]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Chinese guy with a speech impediment asking if you idiots wanna go to the techno dance?

  • flyingspaghettimonster

    Two words: Joshua Cartwright