Fine, Austin is “okay.” And lightly populated West Texas is very nice, what with Big Bend National Park and the Mexican town of El Paso and whatever, as it’s really part of the Southwest. But Texas, that dipshit dismal swamp between, oh, Dallas and Corpus Christi, where the vast majority of the Texans live? It’s just the fucking South. A dumb, toxic shithole that produces little more than incredible assholes, many of whom then insist on taking part in American life. The last “good” Texan in politics was LBJ, and he was a goddamned monster. So, here is the new commercial. Good-bye, Texas! Thanks for all the laffs. (You can take the rest of the South with you.) [YouTube via Wonkette Operative “TGM.”]

Donate with CCDonate with CC


    Make a break for Willie’s place at Spicewood Springs! He’ll take us to safety in his biodiesel tour bus! Bring BBQ, weed, and beer!

  2. That was amusing.

    In an ironic way, video “parodies” like this might make Texas want to stay just to spite the rest of US America.

  3. I’m so sad that this makes me laugh. I repeat, I was born and grew to the age of 22 there. I gues that’s why I’m in Chicago now, 21 years later.

  4. And for those who don’t speak Texan here’s an example of how to pronounce things:

    English: Zack doesn’t like messing with that barbed wire.

    Texan: Zak doan lak messin with that bob whar.

  5. Let’s compromise. I’m willing to let Texans stop paying federal income taxes if Texas is willing to stop taking federal money. Oh, and no representation w/o taxation.

  6. Basically everything South and West of San Antonio is like the southwest, composed largely of Mexican people, and with the exception of the Capitol politicians, all of Austin is cool. Houston and Dallas are lame, and even I wish they weren’t a part of Texas. Most importantly, TEXAS is not the south! Texas is its own entity. For all you assholes that hate it, consider that it is the second most populous state, with the second largest state GDP. Plus, the country has more fortune five hundred companies than any other state. Granted, they are run by douche bag republicans, but Texas is still awesome. Rick Perry is just a stupid cunt.

  7. [re=298180]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Seriously, I think we need to use the Br’er Rabbit treatment. “Ohnoes! Please don’t go, Texas, what would we do without you? Oh, you’re still leaving? Oh, wow. That’s sooooo sad. We are really, really going to pay for this, just you see.”

    Not that my own state isn’t full of douchebaggery – on the OTHER side of the Cascade Mountains.

  8. [re=298177]chascates[/re]: What’s gonna happen to us?!?!1? Will we escape via Chopper America like we did from WW-Nam, or is this just going to become like West Berlin and we’ll have to get our micro-brews and weed air-lifted in for survival? I haz confuse.

  9. Ken, you ignorant slut. Don’t you dare take the name of Texas in vain! It’s only 18 percent of Texans polled that back secession. And of that 18 percent, probably only 1% even know what the hell it means or how to spell it properly.

  10. …nah, I vote to turn it into a prison colony much like in the movie “Escape from New York” that way we exile all the non-Texas douchebags there!

  11. [re=298191]MedianHater[/re]: Just stay the hell away from Waco, Palestine, and Jaspar! If you can cross the Sabine into Cajunland there’s some safety there. For a while.

  12. [re=298192]sanantonerose[/re]: And according to Ben Smith, they only polled 234 Republicans…hardly a representative sample, but I’d say that 90% of TX Republicans MORE than deserve a good waterboarding.

  13. [re=298177]chascates[/re]: In addition to Willie, can you get make sure you get both Larry and James McMurtry and the remains of Townes Van Zandt on the bus? Then get the hell out.

  14. As a medical speech pathologist, I would recommend Dr. Paul have his vocal folds strobed.

    That Mickey Mouse sound ain’t normal or right….neither is anything in Texas.

  15. You’re just made we got the stupidest guy we could find in Texas, in TEXAS mind you, and convinced all you dumb asses to have a beer with him. Not only that, Amerikkka elected a cowboy who is afraid of horses. Ah, the memories.

    Until Texas gets its independence, we will give you Bush, after Bush, after Bush. It’s our weapon of mass stupidity.

    Don’t make us get the Latino Bush out, we got him!

  16. [re=298224]picyou[/re]: Gun Barrel City, Texas

    [re=298186]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Does that go for natural resources and import/exports as well? Because if so, you are on!

  17. [re=298211]Accordion-o-rama[/re]:
    Damn Straight!
    “The Oh So Relevant 1845 Doctrine That Says Texas Can Secede Whenever They Want”!
    Yehawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Thank God for Doris Kearns Goodwin & Michael Beschloff. Please Prez get out your Golden Feather Pen & make Historians Secretaries of the Secessionist Movement. So we can look up as many ancient crusty old documents as humanly possible to get Texas & all klan asswipes the hell out.

  18. SHIT!!!!
    And I just made a killing on a truckload of 49 star US flags from Shiang-hai…business friendly my ass!
    Does anybody know when the next Tea Party is down in Texas? I need to find five thousand people who can’t count to 50, the Texas GOP is my last shot!

  19. I live in a suburb of Dallas. The mayor is a Democrat. The county I live in (Dallas County) is blue. Most of the judges in this county are Democrats, and when I say most, I mean in the 90 percentiles.

    My state representative in Austin is a Dem. My state senator in Austin is a Dem (and Hispanic, bonus!).

    The only republicans I have in the chain going up are that twatwaffle Rick Perry (governor) and those two twatwaffle US senators, Cornynhole and Hutichson whatever her name is.

    We’ve been working so hard in this county for the last eight to ten years to turn it blue.

    My family has been in Texas since before it was a state–since right after the revolutionary war. Seven generations. And for the last three generations, Democrats (no one in my family left the party in the 60s, btw).

    I refuse to hand over my familial and spiritual home to a bunch of asswipes without two brain cells to rub together. Tejas means friend, not racist hateful assholeland. I will slowly but surely see victory in my lifetime.

  20. Honestly, I have seen the funniest (& saddest & scariet) damn stuff ever on this site lately. I thought from living in the South I knew how crazy these people are, but it is much worse. I think it’s like excising a wound. All the ugly has to come out to heal.

  21. [re=298256]badmuthagoose[/re]: I can’t wait to see what three-legged dog the Demotards throw up to run for governor against dear old Miss Kay. When your family has been in Texas as long as mine, I’m 10th generation, you will realize the Yankee Party system has never meant nothing to nobody. It was about looting the Yankees, repeatedly, while acting dumb and stupid and all yee-haw and shit.

    They bought that line, and sadly it appears, so have you.

  22. This is some bullshit. I am moving to Austin in a few months and now Texas wants to quit the Union. I think they should let Austin stay (except for Steiner Ranch, they can secede with the rest of Texas.)

  23. Austin is Cool. West texas is beautiful. I once spent a day in a beautiful hot springs in west texas, in February. Amazing.

    East of Austin = get me the fuck out of here this place sucks.

  24. [re=298182]chascates[/re]: Oh shit. America will want Oklahoma to secede next. Being a native okie, I was about 12 years old when I read “barbed wire” somewhere. Until then, I’d assumed some guy named Bob invented it. “Hey,” I said to myself, “Now it makes sense. It’s named for those barbs, not bob as I’d always heard it. Of course, I was smarter than the average adult okie by the time I was 12.

    I can’t tell you my relief the first time I could read the names on the nuts at the grocery story and discovered they were called Brazil Nuts.

  25. [re=298268]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Mount Vernon and Kent share the same tardaciousness. It’s almost as if (premise) “if you have to deal with other people, you are less retarded”. Goddamned coastal elites and their poly-lingual sexual ways!

  26. [re=298268]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:
    No no, anything that isn’t King County can be considered Eastern Washington. I always forget just how hickish most WA is until I journey south of Bellevue, east of Issaquah and north of Woodinville.

  27. Fun fact: nearly 66 percent of Texas adults are classified as overweight or obese! Only 77 percent of Texans have a high school diploma or equivalent, the lowest rate in the country! On average, the Texan you’re talking to has a 2 in 3 chance of being fat and a 1 in 4 chance of being stupid!

  28. You ever think seriously about ol’ Honest Abe. I mean, seriously. What if he had shrugged, said, okay, take Sumter. Do we really need it? And do we need NASCAR and the Grand Ole Opry? I mean, are they worth JFK going to Dallas and then LBJ like any mule not understanding he’s wading in quicksand over in Asia? If there’s no LBJ, there’s no Nixon, we can practically guarantee it. Think of all that. What a country. We’d be right now talking about building a bigger fence at the Mason-Dixon line,

  29. [re=298286]mattbolt[/re]: It’s stuff like that which shows where the inspiration behind “Idiocracy” came from, especially when you consider both Mike Judge and Luke Wilson are (were) from Texas.

  30. [re=298256]badmuthagoose[/re]: Yep, there’s a red brush painting the state in national elections but there is some creditable blue when you look to the counties. The last cycle offered a clear choice between sensible and intelligent and a pandering slandering liar, and just lookahere.

    Down along the Rio Bravo, MaGoo didn’t do so well. In Duval county, one of the most corrupt in the most corrupt state in days gone by (wasn’t that where Landslide Lyndon won his first Senate race by scoring three times the number of voters in the entire county to his opponent’s two?) has Barrack up by 75/24! And Dallas definitely is strong for good hoss sense at 57/42 Obama. So, there’s cancer, right enough, but some healthy cells as well.

  31. [re=298296]Custerwolf[/re]: Niggertoes? srsly? Nigger. Toes. W.T.F.

    This is why I read wonkette. Every so often you discover a whole new world of fucked up crazy.

  32. [re=298285]thatonegirlsays[/re]: Today at work I took a phone call from a lady in Washington who was moving to a town called Nooksack. It. Was. Awesome.

  33. [re=298206]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: That speech defect Dr. Paul suffers is actually a Pittsburgh accent. Yes, he’s Pittsburgh, born and raised; why he still talks like he just ate a Primanti sammich when he left town more than 50 years ago is anyone’s guess … ‘n ‘at.

  34. If Nancy Pelosi or Barney Frank had suggested Texas consider seceding from the US, there would have been an outcry heard ’round the world. Some dumbass like Rick Perry suggests it and 18 percent of Texans say “hey, not such a bad idea.” Since TX can’t secede, but could split into as many as five states, I’m suggesting Longhorn Nation and Aggieland. Austin’s capital of Longhorn Nation, College Station for the Aggies. Major cities can vote on which one they want to belong to (I think Big D would be in L-horn; Houston in A-land). We’ll sell Lubbock to New Mexico and El Paso to Old Mexico and be done with it.

    And, even though I’m a registered D, I’m crossing lines to vote for KB Hutchison in the R primary (and will probably give her money) just to get rid of Prick Perry.

  35. [re=298189]Ivy leaguer[/re]: san antonio is also composed of mostly mexicans. i should know.

    most cowboys from texas though are secret queers for john wayne and take out their frustration by voting for patrician brats as president.

  36. [re=298338]Frumious Canbrasnatch[/re]: And you know, as kids back in the 70’s we never batted an eyelash calling them that. Wonder what all my black relatives (we have quite a few through marriage) would think about that now. We weren’t actually even racist – just completely ignorant.

  37. Y’all still here? We’ve been waiting for the South to rise again for 150+ years, please don’t make us wait that long for you to establish your li’l ol’ slice of wingnut heaven.

    Whorehouse has a Texas in it
    Lord have mercy on our souls

  38. [re=298352]smellyal8r[/re]: Hey, that cross-registration thing is a great idea. Just make sure you cross back ’cause KayB is just another style of crazy.

  39. I’m fine seceding so long as we get to keep our women here. Northeast girls pale (literally) in comparison. They’ve got the nice winter layer on lol. California girls have to be a close second but they’re mostly sluts so I’ll stick with girls that have class.

    And for you folks making the stereotypes about Texas being bass ackwards, you’re either from a state that has no identity or you’re ignorant. I would have to say that a lot of our statistics are probably brought down by proximity to the border (not in and of itself for you literalists). It’s a shame really. We certainly love having the workers, but we need a better way to legitimize the process.

    For all you liberals the hate on the tea parties, grow the fuck up and open your eyes to the government spending. That’s what the parties are really about. All you guys seem to do is throw around pejoratives and act as if you’re far more intelligent than the rest of us. Fuck off and stop sucking Obama’s nuts. Bush fucked up and we can admit it. You libs seem stuck on the fact that we weren’t complaining about the deficit when Bush was in. We should have complained sooner, yes, but stop fucking pointing that out and join us in keeping the government in check. Obama is going to run our debt up further than Bush even dreamed about and all you do is complain about us holding protests (which aren’t violent unlike a lot of the liberal ones in the past). Refocus for God’s sake! We’re going to become China’s bitch at this rate. Trying to find $100 million in government inefficiencies is a joke when you pass a $6 billion bill the next day.

    Wake up and realize what’s really going on. Ha, and y’all say we’re the ignorant ones…

  40. [re=298360]Custerwolf[/re]: Yo tambien. It’s amazing the things I said and heard when I was a teen in the seventies that just curl my hair now when I think about them. I’m sorta ashamed I knew the brazil nuts reference immediately when I read it. *sigh*

    /raised in Austin
    //moved to the NW with the rest of the libruls at 33
    ///don’t get old, people

  41. So take your fuckin’ guns, your bibles, and your asshole attitude and LEAVE already.
    And as they say in Texas, um, they may say something like it where you live, “Don’t let the screen door hit you on the ass on your way out the door.”
    The only thing more annoying than a whiny loser is a whiny MACHO loser.

  42. [re=298373]Taylor414[/re]: “I’m fine seceding so long as we get to keep our women here. Northeast girls pale (literally) in comparison.”

    You really outta drive that old Corvair of yous up north sometime. They have these newfangled things called tanning booths. You can fix pale. You can’t fix stupid.

  43. [re=298384]Taylor414[/re]: Um… who are you talking to? There’s this little ol button see and it’s called ‘Reply’, and if you push it you can respond to the proper commment. We have the instructions printed up in Idiot in case you need em.

  44. I don’t think I would be so pissed off if I didn’t hear people like Garofalo calling us racist. That just doesn’t cut it. Here we are trying to protest government spending and she’s name-calling and bringing up old feelings of hatred that have long divided the country. How are we to move on if poeple like her keep pulling those antics? Olbermann is just as bad. I’ll take blame where it’s deserved but it’s gotten out of hand. We should all be concerned about the deficit and the direction this country is headed.

    And on the gay marriage thing, look to California and then assess whether or not Texas should really have to allow that…

  45. [re=298388]Custerwolf[/re]: Thanks for the tip. I’m new to the site and was prompted to respond when I saw people bashing Texas on mostly unfounded arguments. The female thing was a joke (sort of).

    And you guys throwing the word “idiot” at me: how about you post a rebuttal to the arguments I make instead of name calling? I’ve yet to hear one legitimate argument against the tea parties other than double entendres and unfounded insulting.

  46. [re=298389]19kevin8[/re]: I’ve always wondered why that side’s the one with the most grumpy assholes, yet they get the best weather.

  47. [re=298373]Taylor414[/re]: “and y’all say we’re the ignorant ones…”

    Yes, yes we do. And anyone who is a self-proclaimed teabagger shouldn’t have a problem with anyone “sucking Obama’s nuts.” Also. Unless I’ve misunderstood something somewhere along the line. Or is it the Obama part and not the nut sucking part that you have a problem with? And yes, everyone here throws around pejoratives and acts as if they’re more intelligent than everyong else, that’s kinda the point. Play the game or get off the field. Also.

  48. [re=298381]RobPetrified[/re]: Whiny would imply to me a lot of name calling….

    And the funny thing about you saying “bibles” is that I get more people wanting to force their liberal beliefs on me than I do Christians trying to get me saved. Just look at what recently happened when a Miss America contestant viewed her opinion respectfully but was still blasted. That’s freedom of speech?

  49. [re=298379]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: Should be a state by state issue and I doubt Texas would pass it. If others want to that’s fine by me. But seeing how California handled it…

  50. [re=298390]Taylor414[/re]: “And on the gay marriage thing, look to California and then assess whether or not Texas should really have to allow that”

    “HAVE to allow.” How about just allowing.

  51. AK boots it, joins TX. CA promises to step up as largest state, greatly increase douchebag production. AK-TX govs to wed, start dynasty.

  52. [re=298398]Taylor414[/re]: “That’s freedom of speech?”

    No asshole, that’s a chick auditioning for a newsdesk job. Grow the fuck up.

  53. [re=298396]expatinOz[/re]: I’ll play. I’ve been trying hard to give Obama a chance but he hasn’t lived up to his word, especially not on spending. I applaud his effort to cut government inefficiencies but $100 million pales in comparison to trillions. That leads me to believe that those making fun of the tea parties support his spending policies, even though they are way over the top compared to Bush’s spending habits (which were bad too). We have a good amount of money in the system. We just need to learn to spend it more efficiently. Thus, I support HR 1207 to audit the Fed. We need more transparency in this goverment that has gotten too big. Does that sound unreasonable?

  54. [re=298396]expatinOz[/re]: “And yes, everyone here throws around pejoratives and acts as if they’re more intelligent than everyong else, that’s kinda the point.”

    I wondered what the fuck I was doing here.

  55. [re=298409]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: Wrongful convictions plague the entire judicial system. It’s a shame and that’s why I don’t support the death penalty. Unless we know for sure (which we usually don’t) that someone is guilty, death should not be an option. Plus it’s expensive.

  56. [re=298385]Custerwolf[/re]: Really? While I agree that east coast girls are hip with those styles they wear, southern girls, however, with the way they talk, knock me out when I’m down there. Then there’s mid-west farmers daughters who really make me feel alright but northern girls, with the way they kiss, keep me warm at night.

    Which is why I wish they all could be California Girls.

  57. [re=298405]Custerwolf[/re]: How are you going to defend her? Either way what she said was shitty and unnecesary and more people should be upset by it. Guarantee if a conservative threw words out there like that it would be smeared all over the media. I’m just sayin…

  58. Without Texas, sales figures in the US for blue eyeshadow and huge cans of cheap hairspray would plummet. Secession would be a public service.

  59. [re=298416]Custerwolf[/re]: Probably, but it could probably help solve some inefficiencies that we have and help lead to better spending in the future. And what’s another bill added into the already growing debt? Plus, if it’s done by American companies then I could argue that at least it’s helping the economy, albeit indirectly.

  60. [re=298420]Custerwolf[/re]: By “her” I meant Janeane Garofalo (sp?). Search youtube for “Garofalo racist” or “Garofalo dissent” or something to see clips of her on Keith Olbermann’s show ranting about the tea parties and how conservatives are mentally retarded. You’d probably enjoy it =)

  61. At least Texas doesn’t allow the execution of minors … oh wait.*

    *This was banned by the U.S. Supreme Court in 2005. Antonin Scalia vehemently disagreed with the decision, saying, “The court thus proclaims itself sole arbiter of our nation’s moral standards.”

  62. [re=298407]Custerwolf[/re]: Oh damn, I left out the assfucking. That’s the other point. Lot’s of comments about the buttsecks and other people’s douchbaggery. And Whore Diamonds. Also.

    But I hope it’s not for reasoned debate. Cuz that would be sad.

  63. [re=298425]Taylor414[/re]: So you’re okay with spending money as long as it’s for the purpose of being your brother’s watchdog, but not his keeper?

  64. [re=298430]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: Shitty, I agree. Just because I’m from Texas doesn’t mean I agree with everything we do *GASP* lol

  65. [re=298435]Custerwolf[/re]: Don’t misunderstand me Custerwolf, I’m all about helping others. I just don’t want to create a nation of dependence. Those who can pull themselves up by the bootstrap should, but I understand not everyone is privileged enough to do so. I would argue that our current system is vastly inefficient in who it helps out. I don’t know the perfect solution but I do disagree with Ron Paul saying that government should completely step out of the way. And I also think that some of the spending in the current bailout money is absurd. Helpless people need the money more than the big corporations that helped get us here in the first place. Reasonable?

  66. [re=298436]Taylor414[/re]: I’m not piling on you, bro. Just Texas. Pls. don’t take it personally. I’m from Mass. and Maine, two intensely fukked up states. People in Maine are so stupid they put Confederate flags on their truks.

  67. [re=298444]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: “People in Maine are so stupid they put Confederate flags on their truks.”

    Ow, that made my sides hurt!!

  68. [re=298439]Custerwolf[/re]: From time to time I’ll see what CNN is saying just to hear the other side of the argument. Lou Dobbs is really the only CNN reporter I side with, not surprisingly. Olbermann is always over the top, though. I agreed with his rants on Palin to a degree but for the most part he just rants and such. CNBC is usually my news channel of choice lol

  69. [re=298373]Taylor414[/re]: Lolz! Really, man? Really? Is this a prank? Just in case this is real, I will respond… Okay, people like me (and yes I support Obama’s spending policies and even his spending priorities so far) get really mad when the Repugs start blowing their stack about the deficit because the last time they did this was when Clinton was in office, and he said fine and handed Bush surpluses to work with AND THE ASSHOLE FLUSHED THEM DOWN THE TOILET SO HE COULD HAND OUT FREE MONEY TO MORONS AND RICH PEOPLE!!!!!! (Full disclosure, I got $600. Hooray! And there were no consequences for the deficit! Or none that anyone cared about at the time. And now it’s Obama’s problem for some reason) And then he went off and started a few wars and, etc., etc., etc.

    So now we find ourselves in a position where we have no choice except to boost spending to levels that may not be sustainable – and trust me, current spending is nothing compared to what’s going to be required to dig us out of this hole your buddies dug for us, your head may pop when you see the next stimulus package – simply because the situation your tea-bagging allies created is so bad that the government is very nearly the whole economy right now, and if they start making cuts… What planet do you live on, dude? The car companies are going to be shutting down for the entire summer, the financial sector as a whole may be going the way of the dodo, everyone else is hunkering down for a long storm and you want to shrink the government’s share of the economy too? The government sector is all that’s keeping us afloat right now! I’m not sure what percentage of the country works for the government, either directly or indirectly but it’s big and it’s going to have to get bigger as the private sector sheds jobs at the rate of 600,000 per month.

    Oh, and we’re already China’s bitch. They could sink us any time they wanted. But since we’re the people that buy all the crap they make, they’d go down with us. Stalemate. And anyway, my friends, WE’RE ALREADY SINKING! THAT’S WHY WE’RE SPENDING ALL THIS MONEY, DO YOU NOT GET THAT!!!??? Also. As well as.

  70. [re=298440]Taylor414[/re]: It’s not about helpless or unhelpless. It’s about creating a functional social structure. For a crowd that doesn’t believe in Evolution, y’all sure got some strange fetish about the ‘Law of the Jungle’. Guess what? In the Jungle, the Monkeys Work Together.

    I won’t even ask you What Would Jeebus Do?

  71. [re=298444]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: Haha fuckin rednecks. They’re everywhere but unfortunately they are most populous in the souther states and Texas. I grew up on a ranch but that doesn’t mean I’m sworn to being ignorant. I refuse. I love Texas and I certainly understand that we come across as arrogant but I think it’s the minority giving the majority a bad rap, as seems to happen a lot. The reason I come across as an asshole at times is because I usually get attacked first. That’s what prompted me to join the site and fire in on some comments. I don’t mean personal harm either and usually come to understandings with libs after actually talking to them. I’m guilty of name calling too and it doesn’t get either side anywhere.

  72. For God’s sake Chris414 — haven’t you fucking bought a vowel yet? If you want to be “earnest” — go join the Winger trolls over at Politico.

    But if you are going to be a Right Wing Tool at Wonkette — give it to us HARD and FUNNY. Most of us are LIBRULS — we were having orgies at coed sleep-overs when you were still jerking off at Boy Scout Jamborees.

    Though, the WORST thing you can do here is to be BORING. And you so far, you are damn bor-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  73. I live in fucking Fort Worth. If Texas ever secedes, I’ll have to either
    flee to the newly-formed People’s Republic of Austin and request
    political asylum (as a libtard) or try to make it across the border
    onto Shreveport, Louisiana.

  74. [re=298450]Kidshowbusiness[/re]: “So now we find ourselves in a position where we have no choice except to boost spending to levels that may not be sustainable”

    I agree that the government has to spend to help things out, but not to the extent they are. I think there’s a lot of pork in the spending bills that could be cut out. And I’d rather see money flow to private entities that will help make jobs rather than rely on jobs from the government. We don’t have to rely on FDR-like policies, though that seems to be what we’re doing. While Bush did get us into this mess along with some other factors, I don’t think we are going to be able to simply spend our way out of it.

  75. Sorry — Taylor 414 — not Chris:

    I am having a gallon of Sangria — celebrating my sale of Texas to Hugo Chavez and Raul Castro for 5 barrels of oil and 6 sacks of raw sugar (I robbed them BLIND!). They will be taking possesion of most of most of Texas on Cinco de Mayo.

    Vaya con Dios AssOlés!

    (I get to keep Austin)

  76. [re=298458]Taylor414[/re]: Okay – fuck “pork” because that’s a copout. What exactly is included in the spending bills that you consider to be “pork?” Just some examples please. No abstractions. Down and dirty.

  77. I don’t get how you guys are so sold on spending as much as we are. Like I said, I agree that spending is smart when put to good use, but the amount doesn’t have to be on the order it does. Our taxes are going to be sky-high in the future and worsen the situation for a lot of middle class families. I fail to see how that helps. We need to exercise some fiscal responsibility and get our priorities straight. Obama is trying to put too much into the bill when it should be more concentrated and target the real problems.

  78. Taylor414 — this is my last effort before I pass out. Read some of the other comments on this site and then when your reptilian cerebral cortex finally stirs — consider going to one of the other 17 million political sites to be “substantive.”

    Wonkette is a funny, filthy and “OMIGODCANTHEYWRITETHATONAPUBLICINTERNETSITE?” site.

    You can also be funny/filthy HOSTILE.


    As a Winger Troll you are naturally hostile but you are bor-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  79. [re=298469]Custerwolf[/re]: Congress could cut out their automatic pay raises. Second, we could force more corporations to exercise fiscal responsbility with the money we’ve given them. Congress/Obama knew AIG was going to get bonuses yet didn’t do much about it til last minute. I disagree with helping out some of the corporations being helped out because they screwed themselves up. Help them file Ch. 11 and let them restructure if they want to survive. Goldman Sachs was able to raise capital through an IPO recently. Why? Because they are a solid company. There are over 9,000 earmarks in the bill, a lot of which go to things like infrastructure and increased funds for the FDA, etc. I think we could really prioritize what it is we need to get the economy going and then put money towards those things later. Does that make sense? I’m not saying the spending is crazy, it’s just the timing of it all.

  80. [re=298475]NtQuiteWittyEnuf[/re]: I’m not naturally hostile unless instigated. I don’t know what to say that’s funny to you. How’s this: I smoke tons of pot, love beer, and think Bush fucked us over big time, yet I’m conservative. Ironic or funny? Haha and I wish I was drunk enough to pass out but instead I’m at work and getting distracted on this blog that a friend posted on her facebook that is notoriously liberal but very level-headed (for the most part lol).

  81. [re=298475]NtQuiteWittyEnuf[/re]: Oh, and I want to nail the hell out of Palin and then tell her she’d make a terrible VP. I think she’d understand lol.

  82. [re=298476]Taylor414[/re]: “Congress could cut out their automatic pay raises.”
    I agree.
    “Second, we could force more corporations to exercise fiscal responsbility with the money we’ve given them.”


    “Congress/Obama knew AIG was going to get bonuses yet didn’t do much about it til last minute.”

    I don’t know about Obama (guy can’t know everything), but I’m betting someone in Congress did.

    “Goldman Sachs was able to raise capital through an IPO recently. Why? Because they are a solid company.”

    …of assholes. My girlfriend used to work there and won a lawsuit against them.

    “There are over 9,000 earmarks in the bill, a lot of which go to things like infrastructure and increased funds for the FDA, etc. I think we could really prioritize what it is we need to get the economy going and then put money towards those things later.”

    I don’t know what we should do. I really don’t. I DO know there is incredible waste in government – and I personally run a very tight ship financially, so that bothers me alot. But I can’t apply my values to everyone else. Namely because I live very happily on less than $9,000 annually (covers property taxes, insurance and animal food) and I don’t know many people who could (or would want to) do that. Of course, I’ll be eating all those animals come the Great Depression II. Something that did give me pause was finding out that FEMA actually considers having a TV a necessity, so it’s included as part of recovery costs in a disaster. Apparently, one can no longer get the weather and news via a radio.

  83. [re=298480]Taylor414[/re]: Get funny or go home. If you want substantive discussion, go hit or something. Gawd…teh n00bs…

    /think he fell for it?

  84. I am not going to defend Texas. Or even Austin, which compared to Austin in 1978 is no Austin at all. But I will speak up for El Paso, which, as Ken said, is really the Southwest. My wife is from El Paso. All the people I’ve met from El Paso have some kind of weird (but good, not like weird in Indiana) connection that is inpsiring and an example to us all. As in while all my EP friends are white, duh, they mostly speak Spanish, prefer brown crowds to white (i.e. they don’t cross the street when non-whites approach, like many whiteys) and don’t think of themselves so much as Texans as El Pasoans. I wish Austin had a feeling like that. Maybe it does and I’m missing out. But if I have to leave Austin it’s only to go to El Paso. Or Denver. Or Boise. Or Minneapolis. Or West Lafayette, Indiana!

  85. [re=298476]Taylor414[/re]: But see, the thing is, my friends, and also, what you call pork is what someone else calls their livelihood. That thing that lets them put food on their families. I always get this vague idea from people venting spleen about earmarks that they believe that all money spent on earmarks is trucked to Yucca Mountain and tossed in with all the nuclear waste, never to be seen again. For the record, the way the economy works is that as soon as the government spends the money, it’s not the government’s anymore and whoever now has it goes to buy diapers for their kids or to buy Juno on Blu-Ray or whatever. Or these days, they put the money in a sock and hide it in a coffee can or something.

    For the record, it doesn’t matter what the government spends money on as long as it spends enough to get it into the right hands, i.e. everyone. Or until we reach a critical mass where enough people have enough money to get the private sector going again to pull up some more slack. The government could decide to build a tunnel to Jupiter right now and as long as that project got people working again, and got the money flowing back into the system that would be… fine. I definitely prefer that we spend it on health care and alternative energy and so on, but a tunnel to Jupiter would work, if it was big enough.

    Please tell me you’re not against infrastructure. The last time we really invested heavily in infrastructure was about 60 years ago and that shit is all about due to fall apart any day now. Infrastructure is a twofer. People get jobs and I get high-speed rail to ride on instead of taking my shoes off for some high-school dropout making 8.50 an hour at the airport.

    Final point, “force more corporations to exercise fiscal responsibility with the money we’ve given them”? Are you a communist? But seriously, yeah, that would be great, but can you imagine the uproar, again from the people on your side of this debate, if the government tried to dictate to companies by some kind of “we own you now” fiat? The government telling business what to do is socialism, remember? Can’t have that. Regrettably, your side always wants to have it every possible way. They want to call Obama a socialist to the umpteenth degree no matter how much he bends over backward to avoid anything smacking of socialism, because they’ve always had success hitting people with that stick. But when these companies do something unpopular with the no-strings attached money they got, they’re right there in the thick of it saying we should intervene and tell them they can’t do that. Essentially, the Republican Party has no ideals or values that it is not willing to toss overboard with breath-taking speed for the most ephemeral political advantage. And cutting out automatic payraises? Who are you going to get to vote for that? Not even the Repugs would vote for that. Would you vote against your own payraise? No, you wouldn’t. Stop lying.

  86. [re=298466]Taylor414[/re]:


    I think it’s time we had that talk. Make a cup of cocoa, or some time, grab a blanket, and have a seat on my face.

    It’s going to be alright.

  87. [re=298458]Taylor414[/re]: Ha ha, I love that you told us to quit sucking on Obama’s nuts, then started complaining that everyone just replied with pejoratives and wouldn’t debate on the issues.

    And yes by all means let’s have the money flow to private entities. That has worked so well in Iraq for example, what with all that money the government gave to Blackwater and other private contractors. Efficient job creation, yessirree. I’m sure those companies will spend the money on creating tons of jobs for us little people and not keep as much of it as they can so they can look profitable for corporate investors. Kind of like those financial firms have been doing since we started forking money over to them! Oh, wait a minute…

    And who is telling you about all this pork in the spending bills? It’s the congressional Republicans who have a vested interest in a) being obstructionist and b) keeping their base riled up so they can win some seats back in 2010. So they throw out words like pork and socialism and people have this Pavlovian reaction. Unfortunately the Republicans were in control of Congress for the first six of Bush’s eight years, so they really don’t have any credibility right now when screeching about out-of-control spending. Nor do I hear them saying what spending they WOULD cut if they were still in control. I hear them shrieking about giving out tax cuts, cause that policy has worked so well in recent history.

    Besides, Obama’s been in office for all of three months, how about we give his policies a little time to work before we march on the White House, hmmmm?

    Oh, and as a Californian I resent your characterization of most of the women out here as sluts. How would you like it if someone characterized most of the people in Texas as rednecks? Wait, we have that answer!

    And this quote: “Just look at what recently happened when a Miss America contestant viewed her opinion respectfully but was still blasted. That’s freedom of speech?”

    Yes, it is. She had the freedom to express her opinion, and the people who blasted her have the freedom to express theirs. You don’t get to say something controversial and then complain about your rights being infringed upon when you get an angry response.

    You know the irony? Eight years ago I leaned left but I wasn’t this liberal. It took eight years of Bush and then the Republican Party’s absolute abdication of any kind of civil discourse or reasoned intellectualism to get me this pissed off.

  88. [re=298500]Kidshowbusiness[/re]: “And cutting out automatic payraises? Who are you going to get to vote for that? Not even the Repugs would vote for that. Would you vote against your own payraise? No, you wouldn’t. Stop lying.”

    Now see – that’s why I don’t belong in this argument. I don’t even know how much money I make per hour – let alone if I’ve had a raise in the last 5 years. So what do I know. I haven’t bought anything from any clothing store other than St. Vinny’s for the last 18 years. People seem to like me so they give me things. Even cars and houses. What the fuck. But I put to best use what I have, and I get lots of stuff bartering or free. I don’t have a capitalist bone in my body – sorry, it’s just not in the genes. However, if other people weren’t so good at it, I wouldn’t have all the wonderful things I have. I ran my own pet-sitting business in Manhattan, and although I asked practically nothing for $$, I stayed in luxury apartments for all but 2 weeks out of the year. What little cash I made, I put away. I had 2 girlfriends – one worked for Sachs and one worked for Trump and both came to me for $ to help pay their rent. That is NOT knowing how to manage your money. So maybe the meek will inherit this Earth after all. Okay – I’ll shut up now. I’ve already taken up half of cyber-space with today’s postings.

  89. [re=298505]imissopus[/re]: “Besides, Obama’s been in office for all of three months, how about we give his policies a little time to work before we march on the White House, hmmmm?”

    Sometimes things (like this) are so goddamned obvious they escape me during argument time.

  90. [re=298508]Custerwolf[/re]: Haha, fair enough. But if we called you into a meeting and said we’re going to take a vote and you can vote for a raise or you can vote for stagnant wages, what would you vote for?

  91. [re=298278]DustBowlBlues[/re]: The colloquial name for “Brazil nuts” includes the N-word plus “toes”.

    Lovely, eh?

    *MY* family was *CLASSY* when I was growing up in the 50s. We didn’t say N-word. *WE* said “colored”.

  92. It’s like a drunk who wants to argue about whether or not its AKCHEWALLY closing time.

    And wants to kill your family over it.

    Fukkin Tejas …

  93. [re=298514]Kidshowbusiness[/re]: There again – I see SO much wasteful spending in the everyday lives of my friends and neighbors, if they were my co-workers I would be loathe to fatten their wallets with money gleaned from say higher grocery prices (for example).

  94. [re=298510]Custerwolf[/re]: I’d rather have the substances too, but what with the unemployment I’m watching the expenses. Plus I need to be looking for work and if I spent my time smoking some of the medical weed we have out here I’d never get out of bed.

    [re=298500]Kidshowbusiness[/re]: Awesomely well said. I love the freaking out about earmarks, which make up something like 1% of all federal spending and is really just reps steering projects to their districts, which is one of the things we elect them to do. It’s about the only time Congress is actually working for its constituents.

  95. [re=298483]Taylor414[/re]: hey pal you’re waaaaaay out of your league here. these people are quick, witty and smart. god knows i’ may not be a fucking genius, but i’m guessing i’m a degree or two brighter than you and smart enough to remain silent and enjoy the repartee. if you’re a kid you’ve got a lot of reading to do, if your an adult attending tea parties there’s no hope. your defense of texas is understandable it’s your home, that doesn’t mean it’s not a shithole. it’s the only place i’ve ever lived where i was regularly harassed by law enforcement. the first time a texas ranger said “we don’t need your kind around here” i thought it was a joke. i gave up a second year scholarship for post graduate work because i would not stay another day in dallas. also buttsecks. go fuck yerself

  96. The chinese delivery guy showed up just as the evening hullabaloo (brouhaha?) started here. I almost feel cheated except the sesame chicken was real tasty.

  97. 1845? What happened in 1865? Your historical (i.e. anecdotal) right to leave the Union ended a long time ago.

    But, what the hell. You want to go, go.

  98. guess who wound up with most of that silver and gold booty the spanish stole from south and central america? yup, the chinks,that ole history jus keep on repeaten an repeaten.

  99. My friends and I came up with the West/East Berlin thing the other day, as well. Austin will be like West Berlin. The wall will be built along the border between Austin and Westlake. Westlake gets to be part of Texas. Austin can be part of America or whatever and we’ll feed ourselves with our organic Obama commie gardens and America will airlift us in delicious candies for the children.

  100. [re=298458]Taylor414[/re]: try reading Matt Taibi. OK? then get back to teh wonkette.

    ’cause if you did not protest Bush putting a war on a credit card you got no cred. none at all.
    If you didnt protest Reagan running up a huge deficit, you got no cred.
    Hell, if you didnt protest McCain covering for the S&L’s when they crashed and burned and we had to bail them out you got no cred. none at all.

    and dont start whining about ‘the children’. srsly.

    We are in a new century, we have to revamp our transportation, education, energy and health care systems in order to have any shot at future economic growth.

  101. [re=298554]engulfedinflames[/re]: Inscrutable riddle wrapped in mystery inside enigma, with black bean sauce very tasty fried dumpling.

  102. Just for the record, I kind of enjoyed the exchange here (minus the insults, just this one time), it was refreshing. I understand we should be all about the trucknutz, but the exchange bet. Custerwolf and Taylor414 was actually the first discussion I’ve encountered in a long time where both sides weren’t just rabidly hating and ranting and spitting at each other–which, since I work at a news station and watch the news and listen to the news and read the news all the frikkin day long, is really starting to wear me out. So thanks you guys.

  103. [re=298575]subu[/re]: You could always do your job, then we wouldn’t have to rant.

    Why don’t you have meaningful discussions on your TV news stations?

    Isn’t that your fucking job?

    We don’t exist to cater to your guilt about your professional fail.

  104. Oh. Still haven’t heard a good reason why anyone north of Tierra del Fuego and south of the Yukon should be sad for a second if Texas does not become the new Yucca Mountain of Forever Stupid Waste Repository. With border fences and “nukuler priesthoods.”

  105. [re=298449]Taylor414[/re]: “Lou Dobbs is really the only CNN reporter I side with…” Well, doesn’t that just explain everything. And, don’t tell me, Mum and Dad had a picture of Ronnie Reagan hanging in the dining room of the ranch. It’s time for you to put your sexist self to bed now and don’t stop to tell me you’re not a sexist. The women you call sluts get to decide that.

  106. This was the funniest thing I’ve seen on the web in a long time!! And hey, all you Mexican compadres, fuck Texas and come on over to California! We speak Spanish, (well Spanglish), but it’s cool. We know ya’all work for a living, and pay your taxes!

  107. [re=298373]Taylor414[/re]: You say “sluts” like that’s a bad thing. Don’t ask me to feel ashamed because i like to fuck. I just don’t want to fuck you. I want you to fuck yourself. but you are from Texas, so you are already fucked.

  108. It used to upset me that Texas used the death penalty so much. Then I realized that they were killing other Texans so I wasn’t bothered so much.

  109. [re=298618]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: Your logic is faulty. While the death penalty in Texas does kill other Texans, if there were no death penalty & instead these killers were given the short sentences they deserve (for killing other Texans) they would be back on the street pronto, ready to kill even more Texans. So you can see how the death penalty in Texas is actually counterproductive.

  110. [re=298428]Taylor414[/re]: So, you haz a sad because a 3rd tier actress made fun of your state? Christ, put on your big girl panties and get in the fucking game!

  111. [re=298278]DustBowlBlues[/re]: We already do want OK to secede…That’s why I was confused by the end of that lil movie…It was the only state that had every county vote for Walnuts and the Snowc*nt…

  112. [re=298398]Taylor414[/re]: Last time I checked Perez Hilton was not an agent of the government…freedom of speech protects you from the government, not from people criticizing you…

  113. [re=298285]thatonegirlsays[/re]: In my Seattle days, I never went farther south than the old Kingdom (bb games), further east than the UW and considered anything beyond N. 85th. and Greenwood the suburbs. I did go to Ballard, however, which was like venturing into a foreign land.

  114. [re=298664]mookworthjwilson[/re]: I know. It’s painful to admit that map of the US creating a separate country called “Jesustan” was pretty accurate. OK, Kansas, Wyoming, etc. The entire south, but maybe not North Carolina and part of Florida.

  115. [re=298281]grevillea[/re]: Oh, please. You can’t tell me you’re too young to remember what the unshelled Brazil nut used to be called. Here’s a hint: Two words. First word starts with N. Second word is Toes.

    Now do you understand my relief at reading Brazil Nut?

  116. AWESOME! I just saw Clan of the Cave Bear last week from Netflix! Whoo! Hoo! Dallas counts “1, 2, Many”, San Antonio counts, up to 5. But Austin counts to 20!!! “Quiet girl! Don’t show the rest of the State! They won’t understand this “Fuzzy Math” magic!”


    “Teabaggerstan” FTW!!!

  117. [re=298384]Taylor414[/re]: You were hoping for legitimate, intelligent argument? You do know this is, right? You might give Nation Review Online a whirl. Or Red State. Or KOS, for a screaming argument with a libtard. Many choices, but not here. This is for alcohol and drug-fueled crazy talk. Librul crazy talk.

  118. [re=298461]NtQuiteWittyEnuf[/re]: I don’t know if you will bother reading my comment the day after, but that was fucking brilliant. Kudos. Now do you want to pay for a new keyboard for me, ‘cuz I laughed so hard I spewed coffee out my nose.

  119. [re=298695]JDHART[/re]: I almost asked “what was great?” and then remembered that there was a funny, smart video that preceded the novella-length political arguments that followed it. I admit I didn’t read much of anything more than a paragraph long, but did read that taylor whatever wound up here after his friend posted the wonkette link on facebook.

    So, children, let’s all remember never to link to our facebook pages, okay? Can we do that? Thanks.

  120. i can pleez stay? Houston’s getting better (Harris Co. carried dem in 08 for first time since LBJ) and we voted out almost all republican judges in the process. trust me in ten more years we’ll be majority minority and back on the good side.

  121. [re=298286]mattbolt[/re]: doesn’t that also mean they have a 1/6 chance of being both fat & stupid, assuming that one does not correlate to the other? I’m a native Texan, have lived almost all of my 30 years and that seems low.

  122. [re=298476]Taylor414[/re]: Increased funds for the FDA is not a bad thing. I’ll go one further. It’s a fucking great thing. Take a ganders at Wyeth v. Levine.

  123. [re=298596]pinko-commie[/re]: let me be the first liberal pinko-commie Texan to tell you that you shouldn’t be ashamed. we love you and every other woman who likes to fuck. i’m not going to tell you what to do with your body and/or judge you for those decisions. we love you in Houston. we love you in Austin. we love you in Dallas. and we love you in nothing.

  124. As a native Texan, I’d like to point out that Texas has no right to secede because:

    A) That provision was never ratified, and
    B) we sort of gave that up when we, I don’t know, SECEDED.

    Also, for everyone suggesting that Austin stay behind, can we also keep Jefferson County? Not only is my house there, which would make life much easier for me, we’ve also always, always, always voted blue. The rest of east TX can sink into the swamps, but Jefferson County is good.

  125. ]Taylor414[/re]: “You’d rather have funny than substantive?”

    Substantive is why God created the Christian Science Monitor. Wonkette was created so liberals would have a place to laugh.

  126. [re=298488]Custerwolf[/re]: You live on $9,000 a year? Shit, I pay that in taxes in six weeks. Yet it’s the Texans who always whine about the cost of keeping a modern country going.

    Well, I’m gonna go back and have a beer and watch the bug zapper.

  127. The single most disappointing thing about that poll where 75% of Texans wanted to remain part of America was that they didn’t poll the rest of America on whether we wanted Texas to leave. That 75% of Texans was the other saddest part.

  128. Get the fuck out already, Texas and take the boring Paultard with you. And for the record, Congress is not perfect, God knows, but give them credit for voting against an automatic pay raise for 2009. It passed as part of the stimulus package. But teabaggers don’t do the research, of course.

    /resuming snark in 3…2…1

  129. No state is seceding. This stupid ass bullshit talk from both sides is tiring. To the dumbasses who continually give my state a bad name and are yammering on about seceding, shut the fuck up. You can’t do it, the Texas government can’t do it, and they WOULDN’T even if they could.

    To those love to stereotype and request that Texas leave the US, open your mind a bit. This is a big state, and there’s a hell of a lot more here than dumbass racist rednecks. Universities, world-class museums, natural beauty, the list goes on and on. But of course if the stereotyping makes you feel better, please, by all means go right ahead. By the way, I guarantee you your state has hateful assholes. They’re EVERYWHERE.

    But no one’s leaving the union. What a stupid hateful waste of time to even discuss such a thing.

  130. [re=299466]badmuthagoose[/re]: I think you guys need to spend a lot of money on an expensive PR/advertising campaign like
    “Texans are people too”
    “We’re not all assholes racist rednecks”
    and “We want to stick it to Dubya, just like you”

    And before you get your panties in a knot, I was born there.

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