Wonkette
If getting double-teamed by James Carville and Paul Begala is not your “cup of tea bags,” then head on over to the eBay and have your credit card ready! Glenn Beck, dough-head wingnut star of Fox TeeVee’s Goin’ Nuts Again with Glenn Beck, is selling his puffy body and all its orifices, on eBay! For one glorious day, you can do whatever you want to Glenn Beck! We bet it’s for some weird cause like preventing gay marriage. You don’t have to marry him, jeez! Just do whatever you like. Put him on a dog leash, cum in his ears, re-enact that Two Girls, One Cup youtube, whatever. It’s your day. It’s your Glenn Beck. (Probably not legal to kill him, although who knows what the laws are in New York City, the way they are waging a campaign of brutality against Rush Limbaugh and all that.) [Teablogging.net/eBay]
The best thing that can happen (for us) to Glenn Beck is for someone to ‘accidentally’ spike his Red Bull with a little vodka & get him back on the sauce. We think he’s crazy now–what batshit insanity would he come up with drunk!?
alt text win forever
Beck rates 1.5 Whore Diamonds?
Texan Bulldoggette: Drunk? Let’s spike his red bull with peyote. Glen Beck’s spirit animal is a pink Unicorn with a glittery rainbow dick.
If it’s illegal to kill him or gay-marry him, that only leaves … ugh.
What’s he more afraid of — snakes or insects?
I think the obvious answer would somehow involve teabagging.
Glenn Beck is just copying Sean “You can waterboard me for charity” Hannity.
Also, WATCH a RADIO show? How does that make any sense? Isn’t it just Beck sitting in a soundproofed room gently massaging his. . .area. . .and yelling about teabags into a mike?
$1500? That’s like 6-7 bucks a pound, assuming people want Grade-Z crazy reactionary meat, and that’s not including the bones, hair, blubber, and prescription-drug-tainted aqueous areas.
putting him on a leash is pretty good idea
but I think forcing him to read the last 50 pages of Atlas Shrugged to his TV audience might serve to end the whole “glenn beck phenomenon” pretty painlessly
Crab1: 800 mikes of LSD.
SmutBoffin: Yes, but you’re in the booth with him. And the door is locked, from the outside … from where you can hear someone shouting, in German …
I think I would describe him as such: Dumpling in a wig!
ManchuCandidate: Glenn’s “whore diamonds” rate in the negative numbers. There’s nothing positive about Beck.
that alt text just ruined my life, forever.
Paint my house.
Stage a series of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” wherein he takes nut-shot after nut-shot from objects of varying and increasing size? That would delight me.
Is he trying to smile in that picture or is that a mocking sneer aimed at my inability to afford his services?
STFU?
I have terrible taste and this news makes me very horny.
quick someone find out what he has a deathly allergy to, and accidentally force feed it to him.
“re-enact that Two Girls, One Cup youtube”
I’d rather re-enact “Three Guys, One Hammer”
with that douche.
“Winner and guests understand they will need to behave in a reasonable and appropriate manner at all times during the experience. Violations will invalidate the experience for all participants and the winner and guests will be asked to leave. Causes for termination include but are not limited to: profanity, harassment, not following instructions of security, intoxication, or other codes of conduct which are considered unreasonable.”
They must have snarkryptonite on the ebay. I can’t think of anything snarky to say about this.
Somewhere an English teacher is crying.
sarcasticusername: I heard he has a deathly allergy to being hit by a van.
Now, where did I put my checkbook and that rubber hose?
Ken Layne: I imagine that the booth also contains:
mutilated Barack Obama toys
a bottle of Mountain Dew that appears to be full of urine
a smell that is equal parts nicotine gum, B.O., and oil (both vegetable and motor)
FOX host Megyn Kelly, bound and gagged with duct tape
Dress him up in a little SS costume and parachute him into West Palm Beach.
Aloysius: Ow, my balls!!
Can I take him to the Bronx?
Got it: I’m going to strap him to a chair, secure his eyelids open with nipple clamps, and force him to watch as I get a gay abortion and pay for it with government-issue cheese.
i’d buy him and make him reenact a larry craig scene with me at a random airport in new mexico. huzzah!!
I’d give him a Cleveland Steamer.
Bill_TX: Just one hammer?
I am currently raising money on my Facebook profile to waterboard Sean Hannity (for the troops) but now that I know what the asking price is to OWN one of these bitches, I am switching to Beck.
I’ve always figured that if you have some sort of crazy Republican at your disposal for the day, you should drop them off somewhere and let them fend for themselves. In the case of Beck, I think it would be fun to drop him off in one of these places:
1)the Castro in San Francisco
2)Inner City Oakland (you can substitute that for any area in a city where the murder rate is over 100)
3)Iraq, the non-Green Zone area
4)Some socialist country in Europe where they can witness first-hand the poor oppressed masses living under the yoke of free health care, education, and good public transportation
I need a full-body HAZMAT suit, 2 gallons of butterscotch pudding, a garden gnome, and a book of matches (preferably with the ‘draw binky and win!’ ad on the outside cover)…
I’d rather spend my tickets at this carnival booth.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/22/hannity-offers-to-be-wate_n_190354.html
Red Zeppelin: just one?
FMA: Well, the sick fucks I was referencing
when I mentioned
“Three Guys, One Hammer” only needed the one hammer. Seemed
to work ok.
sevenrepeat: toe tapping win!!!
Mustang: SmutBoffin: If I can waterboard Hannity 183 times in one month for charity, and the charity is MoveOn.org, I’m in for big bucks.
Hmmm. Pour gasoline on him and chuck firecrackers in his direction?
Two Words: Pony Vitamins
Four Words: Removal of lacrimal glands
I’d make him sit in on a day of lectures with a history professor so he can actually learn the meaning of words like socialism, nazism, and fascism. also, teabags.
Goddamn America and Layne, the alt text..I haz a cry…
sarcasticusername: common sense - and we tried that already.
Crab1: Ooo la la!
When does Ken’s Book of Alt-Texts get published (cuz I’m so ready for it)?
Fivetree: Somebody just started a Facebook Group to do the very same thing as I just become Member #8. The Facebook Group also gives a place to contact him so you can encourage him to do the noble deed for charity:
http://www.hannity.com/contactus.asp
Since technically it is illegal to kill him, what if he were to “accidentally” die from auto-erotic asphyxiation? It’s not that far fetched, especially if we can get a few drinks in him first. Who is going to take this one for the team?
Bill_TX: why did i click on that? Why? WHY?????? I seriously need a unicorn chaser.
Anything? Oh wow. I have an entire house with hardwood floors that need refinishing. That’s a sweetheart deal. SOLD!
bfstevie: “…not following instructions of security, intoxication, or other codes of conduct which are considered unreasonable.” Glenn Beck considers making sense to be unreasonable, so where would that leave me?
Jukesgrrl: You mean I just can’t beat him with a stick??
Glenn’s should be with the other escort ads near the back page of The Stranger.
Hooray For Anything: Thanks, I’m in and I am recruiting all my peeps.
BadKitty: No need to thank me.
My day with Beck will require a machete, lineman’s pliers, a ball-pien hammer, and a chicken.
bitchincamaro: You forgot the blow torch and dulled knitting needles.
$1,525 isn’t a lot of money if all the Wonkette posters contributed something. Imagine if we won, we could then vote on what to do to him all day, and then take turns doing it! Wonkette should hold a pledge drive to help us raise the funds.
kevlar007: shortsX3, obvs.
bitchincamaro: My day with Beck would require diruetics, bungee cords, cheap lipstick/mascara and a polo mallet.
Fivetree: I say skip all that and just inject him with that same (oops!) toxin those douches did for the polo ponies.
ManchuCandidate: The number of whore diamonds for Beck must be an irrational multiple of the imaginary eunuch. Remember Freeway Jam? Zap. Pow. He’s already been mooned, alice.
Bill_TX: Lego jesus motherfucking christ, man. You can’t just un-think that kind of stuff. What the fuck is wrong with Russian people?
hobospacejunkie: tell me ’bout it - those rooskies raped my soul. someone tell me it was a big hoax made using the innernet tubes.
Fo sho, it’s “two guys, one horse” time with Glenn Beck. Just cold puttin’ things in things.