Wonkette
Oh is there something special about today? Not that we could notice, but then here comes a spam from fat dope clown Al Gore and his latest ponzi scheme, “Repower America.” It’s the Earth Day! America’s celebration of the planet it owns, huzzah! Have you done your part? No? So you are some kind of Earth-Hating motherfucker? Turn off the computer and click the MORE button for helpful “Earth Day” hints!
Do you want to have sex with attractive ladies and/or men? Well, then, you must get hep to the “ecology movement” because that, friends, is where you get the sweet tail.
Watch & learn. Environmentalists look like this:
…. While anti-environmentalists look like this:
Now that you are convinced, here are some sexy Earth Day tips to help get you laid, maybe.
- Appliances and electronics can drain electricity even when they’re turned off! Conserve energy by always unplugging everything, wherever you are: visiting a friend’s house, at work where the servers are kept, at a hospital. No matter how loudly they yell, they’ll really be saying “Thanks for helping me do my part, for Mother Earth.”
- Drive your car only in reverse — this actually ADDS gasoline back into the world oil supply.
- Ask for bags of free hair from the local barber shop or Supercuts or whatever. When it’s time to replace the insulation in your home, there’s nothing like free, natural hair to fill your walls.
- Be a bargain hunter! There are, for example, often groups of weird people out in public with signs about how the president is a nigger. They carry around perfectly good tea bags, for some reason. Ask them for some free tea, take home, and enjoy!
- Preserve our landfills! Every day, Americans send who knows how much garbage to our shrinking landfills and recycling centers. There is no need for this waste. When your trash can is full, just dump it in the far corner of your yard. Nature’s miracle of “composting” will turn all this crap into a kind of dirt.
- On this “4/22 Day,” don’t be surprised if you find yourself smoking marijuana with a bunch of other stoners. It’s just part of the scene.
- View less websites. Did you know each time you visit a website, it uses up a certain amount of energy? Worse yet, looking at different websites uses a surprisingly higher amount of energy. By sticking to your “Special Seven” websites, you’ll save untold amounts of energy which is what causes global warming.
- Don’t have a cow, man! Cows are bad for the environment. Nobody knows exactly why, but if you just look at a cow, you can tell it’s not exactly helping. And you know what they say about if you are not part of the solution then you are legally part of the problem, right? If you want to “throw some meat on the barbie,” keep it simple and keep it local. There are hella stray dogs out right now, what with the foreclosures.
- And don’t forget the kids! Children may or may not be lovable, but one thing we can all agree on is the way they waste our world’s precious resources. If you’ve thought about having children, don’t! And if you already have some, kill them.
Oh Earth, I could just fuck you.
“Drive your car only in reverse — this actually ADDS gasoline back into the world oil supply.”
And reverse entropy ensues.
God, Tina Fey’s pretty funny as the drunk redneck chick.
Conserve energy by always unplugging everything, wherever you are…
Anarchy in the guise of conservation — this could be a new political movement I believe in!
It’s especially earth-loving to unplug Sarah Palin’s microphones. Alaska being special and all.
Watch for Drudge headline:
Record Snow Covers Colorado … On Earth Day! Global Warming?
Your hippie raccoon makes me want to punch a raccoon.
HEY DID ANYONE SEE TODAY’S GLENN BECK
Rumproast did!
http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/village_idiot_glenn_beck_gets_a_woody_on_earth_day/
Beck is celebrating Earth Day in style, by having callers describe how much earth they can destroy! YAY AMERICA! Let’s make Earth Day a partisan issue!
“Gonna tell the world
You’re a dirty little girl!”
Also.
Someone teach David Vitter how to use a toilet — it’ll save precious landfill space. Then we can throw Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld into the landfill space we’ve saved.
Oh, that poor little bird must’ve been in an oil spill. I shall take her home and wash her in warm, soapy water.
Conserve energy by always unplugging everything, wherever you are: visiting a friend’s house, at work where the servers are kept, at a hospital
This made me LOL, literally
*fapfapfapfap*
Thanks for the raccoon pic.
Is that a new drinking game? Barak Hussein Obama?
Chick looks like Sarah Palin in 20 years, after she’s lost 10 elections, divorced, going out with a dude that talks drunken gibberish like Keith Richards, & makes gross out threesome porn videos.
The dog was apparently the only one smart enough to keep his mouth shut.
As we hippies use to say, “Love Your Mother.”
proudgrampa: “somone grab that [other] bitch by the ears.”
My intent was to destroy the Earth by recapitulating my degenerative seed…until I saw her.
Screw Earth Day.
Ken, are you carrying? I’m fresh out, but I want to follow your instructions in the subject line.
Scandinavian Fetus: My Editor was off today.
I meant, “I’d like to screw her.”
All praise Earth Day!
Scandinavian Fetus: Apparently I gotta do all the work myself if I want to see GUYS doing their part for the environment.
http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo336/brontie2/trik.jpg
I intend to celebrate earth day by buying a solar powered dildo.
Thank you! Funniest thing I have read in weeks.
My Special Seven:
Wonkette
Wonkette
Wonkette
Wonkette
Wonkette
Wonkette
Mark Penn’s home page (need grease to run my biocar)
Custerwolf: You owe me royalties for that shot…
shortsshortsshorts: Wasn’t it just a short while ago the wingnuts nearly blew the earth’s fuse by turning on all the lights on lights out day? Shit…voltage drop…happeni
I really don’t understand why this is a partisan issue at all. The wingnuts act like it’s completely unreasonable to suggest that we take some modest measures to control our impact on the climate. If you don’t agree that global warming is real, well, you’re an idiot but okay. But what’s the point of being a dick on Earth Day just for the sake of being a dick? I didn’t agree with Bush’s stimulus check rebate thing last Spring but I still spent the fucker and didn’t bitch about the extra cash.
i’m guessing that cfo david kellermann from freddie mac celebrated earth day by recycling himself. whoa….zing!
Kev-O-Tron: F*CK YOU COMMUNIST I AM PUTTING MY TUMBLER ON A EXTRA SPIN CYCLE TOONITE I WILL KILL A FROG I AM TURNIN UP THE BRITENESS ON MY FLAT SCREEN GONNA BRUSH TWICE WIT MY LECTIC TOOTBRUSH
I AM NOT GONNA LITE MY FARTZ TOONITE TO PORTEST EART DAY
Kev-O-Tron: Well, if it weren’t for people like that, we normals would have a hard time coming up with good ways to define words like “petty” and phrases like “small minded.”
This Earth Day announcement is brought to you by Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow, high energy vegetable concentrates, and new, delicious, Soylent Green. The miracle food of high-energy plankton gathered from the oceans of the world.
Custerwolf: Obvs, he is unaware of the danger inherent in riding that tiny little trike. With his centre of gravity that low, it would be very easy for me to knock him over and have my way with him.
Also.
No one goes to Earth anymore - the place is a dump.
Kev-O-Tron: Are you seriously wondering why Republicans act like dicks? Seriously? Let me let you in on a little something, Kev: THEY ARE DICKS.
Which would be why they act like that.
sevenrepeat:
Too soon?
valet_of_the_dolls: Oh my - a girl after my own heart. Bless you child.
Done.
wheelie: “YEAH, AND QUIT TAXING MY FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN!!! USA! USA! USA!”
Your f-ing grandchildren will be fighting with sea lions as they drown in the globally-warmed, sea- level risen ocean. Brilliant move.
PS- I didn’t literally mean you. I was trying to tag with you and make a funny. Fail.
ugh - thank you - my gunt hurts from laughing
shithouse: I laughed so hard at that I damn near acheived enlightenment.
Kev-O-Tron: Skrew u stooopid librul, u kant tell me how tu uze my ‘lectricity, I am turnin the heeter on the cement pond up to sooper dooper high!!!