Wonkette
If you had any remaining doubt that Twitter is just a creepy old man muttering batshit nonsense, PUT THOSE DOUBTS AWAY, forever. Larry King has a Twitter. Good Lord.
It is, of course, the ultimate use of this dingbat texting service. We haven’t confirmed this with the people who created Twitter, but we can say with Total Confidence that the programmers’ instructions consisted of this one simple command: “Make something so Larry King can bring back his beloved senile column of yesteryear.”
And they did:
Oh and jesus christ he’s got a blog, too. Check out Jim Carrey’s bullshit “vaccines cause retards” guest blog, cross-posted to Arianna’s site!
I don’t have the most painful job in the world, Ken. You do. Do you wear some sort of protective helmet when you read these things?
I like the idea of TV personalities being limited to 140 characters of exposition before having
to stop and restart. Could we implement this for Hannity and O’Reilly?
OH HEY. Everybody should go rip @MaryMacElveen a new one for being a dick to Claire McCaskill on teh twitturs last night. GO!
I wonder if Larry’s going to have updates on his fictional friendship with Sandy Koufax.
“I was walking down the street and saw Obama’s green advisor. I gave her a big hug.”
(20 minutes ago)
“Just discovered that wasn’t really her.”
(2 minutes ago)
Out of all the companies that are imploding these days, why oh why can’t Twitter be one of them?
“Last night’s show with Ashton was probably the most exciting we’ve done since the NAFTA debate.”
Now, I realize this is Larry King and all, but that pretty much sums up all that is wrong with the news industry today.
“Say what you will about Earth Day, Jane Harman can wear the heck out of a tweed jacket.”
The old man Twatteth.
In ancient Japan, monks who wished to attain “Buddhahood in this very body” would undertake a diet of pine bark and needles until their bodies were veritable mummies. Then they would ring a bell and shuffle off into nirvana. True story! Their skeletal remains can still be viewed in temples in Japan. And on the Larry King Show.
“Colostomy bag exploded on Chance - Cannon walks up and says “Is that shit or Dads spittoon juice?”
So Death Muppet obviously scrubbed that one about Nick Cannon calling out his kid for peeing on himself.
Jesus, when is one of these olds going to croak on teh Twitter? That at least would be worth all this inane Cotton Hill rambling.
Nothing beats an old Tyrone Power war movie to masturbate to sleep to.
2druk2phluq: One thing I’ve learned about blogging is that you have to be on some kind of drug, all the time. I think that is how Pope Cat makes it through the day. And rightfully so.
Happy Earth Day!! now shut off your pacemaker and let the cold darkness of death envelop you…
If he’s having lunch with Tony Blair, that might mean that he’s in New Haven, as Blair is teaching at Yale. Maybe I, a committed Wonkette operative, should go take a tour around New Haven.
Where do you think they’re eating? Denny’s?
Ken Layne: BTW, your use of the term “death muppet” in the last post totally won the afternoon.
Larry all excited because he’s thinks he’s going to have lunch with Linda Blair, and will be dissappointed and puzzled when this British dude shows up.
What a Twit-brain! (btw, my dad used to call me that)
“Sandy Koufax and I just bought ice ceam cones together”
Okay okay…so help me out here:
would you say:
Blog is to LP as Twitter is to cassette
with something else that will be totally awesome and will kill them all like the cd did? And Blogs will be coveted like the LP is for its antiqueness?
BTW, I sooo think that TELEPATHY will be the cd in this scenario. kaithxbai!
His kids are named Chance and Cannon?
Does this mean we can stop talking about it?
I don’t like being told what to do by that old man. He makes me want to say:
“Shut your cake hole before I crack your onion!”
very badly also.
WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A TREE ALL OF A SUDDEN TO OBEY MR. KING’S ORDERS?
Do you have a tree I could borrow?
Wait I’m digging through my trash for avocado seeds.
……..i like to check my bowel movements, don’t you?……..wow, I could sure use a good pastrami sandwhich………….I sure like the way Connie Stevens moves…..
Shut up and join twitter.
ONE OF US!
ONE OF US!
I thought John McCain on the twat-box qualified as jumping the shark but now I pray that the death muppet will truly bring the death to tweetie-bird
I had known that King managed to have have a much younger wife somehow (money) and kids who should be his great-grandkids, but not that he had gone to the Palin school of child naming.
Also, Carrey and McCarthy, you are encouraging incredibly gullible parents to kill their children, so kindly shut the fuck up, please?
“Vaccines cause retards?” Ouch. Not funny.
I like turtles!
Wow, how long until Bono gets one and starts posting his self-righteous gibberish?
“last night’s show with Ashton is probably the most exciting we’ve done since the NAFTA debates”
Jebus. What is WRONG with these people?
SeverestCritic: No, No, it’s funny, I assure you.
Ken Layne funniest post ever. The ramblings of the Death Puppet. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So MySpace is for the kids, Facebook for the Boomers, and Twitter for the Elderly?
Tony Blair, mideast envoy is up next, and we’ll be asking him where the best sandwiches are in New York.
Channeling Larry King
“Of all the shortcakes, strawberry is my favorite.”
“The Horned Frog isn’t a frog at all; it’s a lizard.”
“Kathleen Turner has put on some weight since ‘Body Heat.’”
“Experts say the American ‘Buffalo’ isn’t a buffalo at all, but a ‘bison.’ Apparently none of the experts know what a ‘bison’ is.”
“Why don’t the Chicago White Sox wear white sox?”
“I’m told the cast-members of the Broadway musical ‘Cats” weren’t really cats, but actors dressed up like cats. Sort of reduces the magic of it all.”
“That spicy chicken dish they serve in Chinese restaurants? It’s always a different general but the same chicken. Maybe even the Chinese can’t tell each other apart.”
“Lou Gehrig died of ‘Lou Gehrig’s Disease.’ You’d think he would have seen it coming.”
“I’ve never been tempted to have a nipple pierced.”
“If you don’t believe in irony, explain to me how Capote was named ‘True-Man.’”
“The French have 2,493 official cheeses. I’m happy with cheddar.”
“Mallard ducks mate for life, a commitment mitigated every year by hunting season.”
“I never understood how someone whose life or career had been ruined is called ‘toast.’ Around here at breakfast time, when it’s toast it’s ready.”
“Used to be, Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park erupted every hour. An underground earthquake a few years ago changed the timetable to ‘every 43-to-67 minutes.’ Maybe they should rename it ‘Old Clinton.’”
“Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?”
(Hey, this isn’t me; I’m channeling Larry King. Gimme a break!)
“Considering her age, I think ‘Blondie’ in the comics colors her hair these days.”
“Of all the cacciatores, I prefer Chicken Cacciatore.”
“I have few regrets in life other than Humphrey Bogart not staying alive long enough to play Professor Harold Hill in ‘The Music Man’ on Broadway.”
Hoo-ray! It’s the return of Larry “Monkey Scull” King’s USA Today column. Unaware self-parody be the best kind!
I’m not sure if I’m more concerened that Larry King has a Twitter, or that he’s using leet in said Twitter.
Monkeyhawk: Do you have to subscribe?
Anyroad, that’s Paul Harvey.
Twitter is only good for bad things, like @dontgoogle
Where is my truss?
“kingsthings”? Really? That’s what they’re calling them?
*soaking brain in Lysol*
Vartan84: LOL.
JohnnyMeatworth: He does- it’s called the New York Times…
Monkeyhawk:
Brilliante’
Monkeyhawk:
Please marry me.
“So what is this–a mammal?” - Larry King, addressing Jack Hanna and the furry critter on his neck
Just now:
“are you ready for this? Beyonce is on tomorrow! start sending your tweets! put your hands up!
about 1 hour ago from web”
Oy.
Yeah, MoDo’s column today was all about how she used to be a giant twat, and she still is, sort of, but would really like to bang those guys who started Twitter.
It is actually less interesting than Dame Pegs’s musings
My buddy used to write some of the bon mots that Norm McDonald used to use for his Larry King impersonation on SNL. He once got a call from Johnny Carson saying how much he liked them. I haven’t talked with my buddy in a long time. I’m suspicious he’s now officially working for Larry King.
Compare and contrast:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33734
I Am Fucking Insane
Larry King’s People
By Larry King
June 4, 1997
Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly…. Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school…. It’s a shame what’s happening in Sarajevo…. There is nothing more pleasurable than spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV…. Don’t count out Olympia Dukakis in the 1953 Oscar race…. If you see my good friend Harry, tell him to give me a call…. Kudos to those fine folks who make Bugles so consistently delicious….
hobospacejunkie: We like you too!
Prommie: Oh fuck you very much. I LOVE Tyrone Power. DID love. Ewwwwww.
honkeyman: You’re the greatest.