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I can't believe the news today. I can't close my eyes and make it go away.Back when newspapers still mattered, and our finest journalists wrote important articles regarding crucial current events and our national conversation in the nation’s better daily periodicals, America knew where to turn for the best columnist covering the subjects all citizens cared about most: Larry King and his USA Today column! But then, inexplicably, about 10 years ago, USA Today killed the finest punditry in U.S. History. The newspaper business has been in free fall ever since.

But the New York Times is not going to fade away. It will attract the Youths! And how does a newspaper go about attracting the Youths who would really rather scrub their twats, on the internet?

We imagine the opinion editors having a meeting about this, perhaps in a conference room, and agreeing that, when they were young, they enjoyed the rock music — the epitome of the youth movement, really. But which rock band did they enjoy, when they were young? The Beatles, certainly, but the Beatles were no longer with us. What about the U2? Yes, it was agreed, everyone enjoyed the U2, in their youth.

So they actually fucking hired Bono to write op-eds, for the New York Times, because it’s not like there are any qualified journalists out of work.

And, surprise!, Bono is a terrible writer. His column is the closest thing to Larry King’s scattered, random and confused thoughts about celebrities we’ve seen in print. Kudos, Mr. Bono. Here are some, uh, highlights:

  • “I AM in Midtown Manhattan, where drivers still play their car horns as if they were musical instruments and shouting in restaurants is sport.”
  • “I am a long way from the warm breeze of voices I heard a week ago on Easter Sunday.”
  • “Carnival — rock stars are good at that.”
  • “A few weeks ago I was in Washington when news arrived of proposed cuts to the president’s aid budget.”
  • “Strangely, as we file out of the small stone church into the cruel sun, I think of Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, whose now combined fortune is dedicated to the fight against extreme poverty.”
  • “I think of Nelson Mandela, who has spent his life upholding the rights of others.”
  • “Not all soul music comes from the church.”

We would say something trite like “Keep your day job,” but we don’t want him to keep that, either.

It’s 2009. Do You Know Where Your Soul Is? [NYT]

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