DAILY BRIEFING  9:01 am April 20, 2009

‘Teeth The Size Of Large Cucumbers’

by Sara K. Smith

  • A lone gunman, apparently a “mentally challenged youngster” of 20 or so, got on a Canadian plane that had landed in Jamaica and kept the passengers and crew hostage. Eventually he released the passengers, and negotiators got him to let the crew go and disarm. He apparently wanted to go to Cuba. [ABC News]
  • Waterboarding, the infrequently used alternative interrogation technique, was administered uh 266 times to two different terrorism suspects. [Guardian]
  • Over a dozen thoroughbred horses died just before a polo match on Sunday in Florida. As in, dropped dead, LITERALLY. [CNN]
  • Oracle must be running out of companies to buy, because it just made an offer on Sun. [CNNMoney]
  • Whaaa? Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked Tehran’s chief prosecutor to take another look at the case of an American journalist recently convicted of spying. And today the head of Iran’s judiciary agreed and ordered an appeal. [New York Times]
  • Look out, credit card companies! President Obama is coming for your balls. [Reuters]
  • Monday Morning Video Extra: PROOF OF MASSIVE SEA MONSTER! (With cucumber-sized teeth.) [Reuters UK]
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Bruno April 20, 2009 at 9:04 am

I had better call Goldman about progress of my hostile takeover of the moon.

bitchincamaro April 20, 2009 at 9:05 am

According to the NYT story, a blogger sussed out the “266″, while NYT and the MsM seemed to miss it. Unless I misread it.

NebraskashireGentry April 20, 2009 at 9:06 am

you wrote “Canadian” but his actions reveal his true identity as a “MUSLIN, SOCIALIST OBAMA-LOVING CUBANIST!!!1!1!!1!”

Bruno April 20, 2009 at 9:07 am

If the horses were in Florida, I’m guessing it was a horse murder-suicide spree

Norbert April 20, 2009 at 9:09 am

As a sometime wonketteer on the ground in canuckistan, I feel obligated to mention the video of Jonah Goldberg and his plan to bomb canuckistan to shake it out of its complacency http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?rn=222561&cl=13042397&ch=8033027

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2009 at 9:11 am

Wow, hijacking a plane to Cuba? That Canadian dude rolls old school.

Origami April 20, 2009 at 9:12 am

Wait, so I get yelled at by TSA agents for having a lighter in my purse but some retard brought a gun on an international flight? Is Canada even paying attention?

hobospacejunkie April 20, 2009 at 9:13 am

[re=293946]bitchincamaro[/re]: You did not misread it. Pound another nail in the coffin of newspapers. And Lego Jesus Christ, the NYT can actually afford to pay an investigative reporter or two. Nice how they buried the facts on who discovered it in the 12th paragraph.

Origami April 20, 2009 at 9:15 am

Oh I see, he was just some armed Jamaican dude who walked on the plane when it landed. I guess Canada is off the hook, for now.

Cape Clod April 20, 2009 at 9:16 am

I believe the hijacker was Jamaican. And is it really a ‘hijacking’ if if you take the plane over on the tarmac and it doesn’t go anywhere?

hockeymom April 20, 2009 at 9:16 am

Cucumber-sized teeth? Norm Coleman, is that you?

hobospacejunkie April 20, 2009 at 9:17 am

I would totally hit that spy chick, Roxana Saberi. Even more so now, her being a spy and all.

Monsieur Grumpe April 20, 2009 at 9:18 am

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is just playing good cop bad cop. He’s watched one too many Hawaii Five-O reruns which also explains his attire.

Mild Midwesterner April 20, 2009 at 9:18 am

21 horses dead? Hear that folks — glue stocks are up!

ihasasad April 20, 2009 at 9:19 am

[re=293954]Cape Clod[/re]: He lowjacked it! hahahahasnorthahahaheeheheeeeee. sigh.

Lazy Media April 20, 2009 at 9:23 am

So, the Chinese make horse feed, too?

Professor Proffy McProfalton, Prof. April 20, 2009 at 9:26 am

Someone is letting Michael Bay direct the Giant-Sea-Monsters-Animated-Simulations now. My head hurts…

loquaciousmusic April 20, 2009 at 9:33 am

During this morning’s advisory period, I showed some of my seventh graders the New York Times story about the waterboarding. One of them—a boy, of course—said, “Wow! That guy got tortured 266 times? He must be real gangsta!”

Yes, I suppose he must.

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2009 at 9:34 am

[re=293959]ihasasad[/re]: He nojacked it, mon.

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2009 at 9:36 am

Polo club spokesman: “Everybody is kind of in shock”

Except for the vet who mixed up the dope with the Ben-Gay.

engulfedinflames April 20, 2009 at 9:37 am

[re=293957]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “pure horse,bookem”

wheelie April 20, 2009 at 9:46 am

[re=293964]loquaciousmusic[/re]: What better way to welcome your young students in on a Monday morning than with a NYT waterbording story!

Fabuloso April 20, 2009 at 9:53 am

So the efftard wanted to hijack a plane to Cuba…that was scheduled to fly to…um, Cuba?

awesomeguy#1 April 20, 2009 at 9:54 am
A Better American Than YOU April 20, 2009 at 9:57 am

[re=293966]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And I imagine an insurance company or two. Boats sink and ponies go to the great pasture in the sky.

BadKitty April 20, 2009 at 9:57 am

Saw the headline, thought to myself, “Oh god, what has Coleman done now?”

President Beeblebrox April 20, 2009 at 10:00 am

Wow, so not only will people think that Obama going to pay their mortgage, now they’re going to think he’ll pay their credit card bills?

/wingnut response to credit card reform plans

NunnaTheSOBs April 20, 2009 at 10:01 am

I love the effin’ P.C. — “mentally challenged youngster”.

I was a “mentally challenged younster” in my damn partial
differentials class, this kid was effin’ crazy.

If a guy is too shy to talk to a girl is he “testicularly

Is a guy with a 3″ schlong “peniley challenged”?

Is a guy who doesn’t shower regularly “hygienically callenged” ?
(scratch the last one, I just googled it, and he IS).

MARCdMan April 20, 2009 at 10:02 am

[re=293969]Fabuloso[/re]: For real. Don’t they, umm, have flights to Cuba from Canada?

HandsomePete April 20, 2009 at 10:03 am

Cucumber sized teeth? I thought John Elway was retired?

WadISay April 20, 2009 at 10:03 am

Predator X? Sheesh, is everybody into this my real identity was stolen from me by the white man stuff?

ManchuCandidate April 20, 2009 at 10:07 am

Dang, I thought this sea monster was alive but NO, it’s just another fossil that the Intelligent Desigers/Teabaggers/Religoids/Dumbfucks will have to spend years trying to figure out whether Jonah was swallowed by it or Jeebus blessed it.

Woodwards Friend April 20, 2009 at 10:17 am

How crazy is this! I ordered a Airplane Hijackers Who Want To Go To Cuba throwback jersey from Mitchell and Ness a couple weeks ago. Does this mean the WHA will make a comeback too?

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 20, 2009 at 10:17 am

Is a guy with a 3″ schlong “peniley challenged”?

Hell no!

Er, not that I have any stake in such a question.

loquaciousmusic April 20, 2009 at 10:27 am

[re=293976]HandsomePete[/re]: Teeth that look like cucumbers? Freddie Mercury? Wha’?

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 20, 2009 at 10:28 am

[re=293955]hockeymom[/re]: Ha! But actually, when I think of Norm Coleman, the first thing that comes to mind is pig poop!. Also.

Autochthon April 20, 2009 at 10:33 am

[re=293985]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: You noticed that ‘un, too? Now, THAT’S news…

4tehlulz April 20, 2009 at 10:36 am

[re=293964]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Gitmo is the quickest way to get street cred nowadays.

I heard Eminem is going to try to be waterboarded 187 times in a day, just for his next album.

user-of-owls April 20, 2009 at 10:41 am

[re=293988]4tehlulz[/re]: Gitmo? That’s for posers and wanna-be’s. All the real G’s kick it in the black sites. “Yo! Shout out to my Polish homies!”

bitchincamaro April 20, 2009 at 10:41 am

[re=293970]awesomeguy#1[/re]: Good grief.

loquaciousmusic April 20, 2009 at 10:47 am

[re=293988]4tehlulz[/re]: Right after he made the comment about being “gangsta,” my student said, “I want to go to Gitmo. That would be awesome.” Then he stopped, thought about it for a second, and said, “Actually, no it wouldn’t.”

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2009 at 10:59 am

[re=293992]loquaciousmusic[/re]: “Are You Stupider Than a 7th Grader”?

Oh well, when I was a 7th grader, I probably thought it was a great idea to nuke Hanoi, because of that thing that was going on over there.

MarieDeGournay April 20, 2009 at 10:59 am

Regarding the the pleiosaur: AWESOME!!!!!

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 11:04 am

[re=293966]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh now you totally win on that one.

user-of-owls April 20, 2009 at 11:05 am

[re=293992]loquaciousmusic[/re]: [re=293999]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Still, seems as if he isn’t cut out to grow up Republican. He actually paused to reflect and came to the conclusion he’d said something stupid. Disqualified!

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 11:05 am

[re=293971]A Better American Than YOU[/re]:
And if I had a boat
I’d go out on the ocean
and if I had a pony
I’d ride him on my boat.

loquaciousmusic April 20, 2009 at 11:13 am

[re=294002]user-of-owls[/re]: He’s also African American and not self hating, so it looks like the Republican Party is indeed out of the cards for him.

momus April 20, 2009 at 11:24 am

As Dick Cheney might say, I”if we had to waterboard someone 266 times, it can’t be classified as torture because it was obviously ineffective, which torture isn’t.” Either that or the victims figured out that they weren’t going to drown after the third or fourth session.

user-of-owls April 20, 2009 at 11:28 am

[re=294008]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Huzzah! Still, in all honesty, his response just makes you shake your head, doesn’t it?

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 11:37 am

MSNBC headline reports that the polo ponies were poisoned. That’s because they’re idiots. The horse’s probably died from an entero-toxin, which is produced by certain bacteria (or bacterial overgrowth) in the horses’s gut and can be caused from spoiled feed. But that doesn’t sound nearly as interesting as Boris Badenov sneaking stealthily into a barn to surreptitiously poison the Venezualen’s horses.

HuddledMass April 20, 2009 at 11:48 am

[re=293970]awesomeguy#1[/re]: yeah, check it, the carry-on explosives Marine dude “…is being arraigned in East Boston District Court tomorrow on charges of possession of an infernal machine…” AN INFERNAL MACHINE, PEOPLE!!

Boston, you’re my home.

dijetlo April 20, 2009 at 11:58 am

I will be so sorry when they allow the hobos to take over the newspapers (but bluntly, we need the space). Without them who will reprint the important information contained in blogs for the bitters without an internet connection? When the political parties lie, will anyone even hear them without those guys?

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 12:00 pm

[re=294034]HuddledMass[/re]: Tarnation!

WIld Turkey April 20, 2009 at 12:28 pm


I wonder what the mens rea requirement is in a prosecution for “possession of an infernal machine” — a dastardly purpose?

loquaciousmusic April 20, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=294015]user-of-owls[/re]: Certainly yes, but at least he’s 12. Jonah Goldberg acts like that every day and he’s, what, like 200?

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 12:46 pm

[re=294020]Custerwolf[/re]: Ok I stand corrected – it turns out the horses’ symptoms came on too acutely for my theory to pan. A vet says she thinks they were injected with something harmful intentionally. Um, Boris, can I see you in my office please?

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 20, 2009 at 1:15 pm

In a wonderfully Pythonesque turn, the hi-jacked plane was already scheduled to fly to Cuba.

Nezumi April 20, 2009 at 1:16 pm

It’s probably a bad sign that when I first read the title of this entry, I thought it’d be about Norm Coleman. Have you seen the guy’s teeth?

horned_viper April 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Wouldn’t a reasonable person conclude that if 20 waterboarding attempts doesn’t suss out the info, then another 160 won’t do much better? Seriously people! Who was running the CIA? The Inquisition?

Barrett808 April 20, 2009 at 1:37 pm
DemmeFatale April 20, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=294091]loquaciousmusic[/re]: 7th graders? I used to teach 7th grade, and waterboarding stories might just get through the fog. Wanna-be cool boys and viper-in-training mean girls.
Good times.

DangerousLiberal April 20, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=293954]Cape Clod[/re]: Especially when it’s going to make a stop in Havana before heading back to Halifax, NS, in the land of Castro’s Commie Enablers? This dude needs a check-up from the neck up.

DangerousLiberal April 20, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=293979]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Well, if Jonah was swallowed by it the mofo took a whole city with him. Jeez, that beast is huge. And was put here on earth by satan to eff with our minds, man.

It’s good not living in the whatever-cene era that thing is from, because that was stone creepy.

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