‘Teeth The Size Of Large Cucumbers’

 
  • A lone gunman, apparently a “mentally challenged youngster” of 20 or so, got on a Canadian plane that had landed in Jamaica and kept the passengers and crew hostage. Eventually he released the passengers, and negotiators got him to let the crew go and disarm. He apparently wanted to go to Cuba. [ABC News]
  • Waterboarding, the infrequently used alternative interrogation technique, was administered uh 266 times to two different terrorism suspects. [Guardian]
  • Over a dozen thoroughbred horses died just before a polo match on Sunday in Florida. As in, dropped dead, LITERALLY. [CNN]
  • Oracle must be running out of companies to buy, because it just made an offer on Sun. [CNNMoney]
  • Whaaa? Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked Tehran’s chief prosecutor to take another look at the case of an American journalist recently convicted of spying. And today the head of Iran’s judiciary agreed and ordered an appeal. [New York Times]
  • Look out, credit card companies! President Obama is coming for your balls. [Reuters]
  • Monday Morning Video Extra: PROOF OF MASSIVE SEA MONSTER! (With cucumber-sized teeth.) [Reuters UK]
Related

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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63 comments

  1. bitchincamaro

    According to the NYT story, a blogger sussed out the “266″, while NYT and the MsM seemed to miss it. Unless I misread it.

  2. NebraskashireGentry

    you wrote “Canadian” but his actions reveal his true identity as a “MUSLIN, SOCIALIST OBAMA-LOVING CUBANIST!!!1!1!!1!”

  3. Origami

    Wait, so I get yelled at by TSA agents for having a lighter in my purse but some retard brought a gun on an international flight? Is Canada even paying attention?

  4. hobospacejunkie

    [re=293946]bitchincamaro[/re]: You did not misread it. Pound another nail in the coffin of newspapers. And Lego Jesus Christ, the NYT can actually afford to pay an investigative reporter or two. Nice how they buried the facts on who discovered it in the 12th paragraph.

  5. Origami

    Oh I see, he was just some armed Jamaican dude who walked on the plane when it landed. I guess Canada is off the hook, for now.

  6. Cape Clod

    I believe the hijacker was Jamaican. And is it really a ‘hijacking’ if if you take the plane over on the tarmac and it doesn’t go anywhere?

  7. hobospacejunkie

    I would totally hit that spy chick, Roxana Saberi. Even more so now, her being a spy and all.

  8. Monsieur Grumpe

    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is just playing good cop bad cop. He’s watched one too many Hawaii Five-O reruns which also explains his attire.

  9. Professor Proffy McProfalton, Prof.

    Someone is letting Michael Bay direct the Giant-Sea-Monsters-Animated-Simulations now. My head hurts…

  10. loquaciousmusic

    During this morning’s advisory period, I showed some of my seventh graders the New York Times story about the waterboarding. One of them—a boy, of course—said, “Wow! That guy got tortured 266 times? He must be real gangsta!”

    Yes, I suppose he must.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Polo club spokesman: “Everybody is kind of in shock”

    Except for the vet who mixed up the dope with the Ben-Gay.

  12. wheelie

    [re=293964]loquaciousmusic[/re]: What better way to welcome your young students in on a Monday morning than with a NYT waterbording story!

  13. Fabuloso

    So the efftard wanted to hijack a plane to Cuba…that was scheduled to fly to…um, Cuba?

  14. A Better American Than YOU

    [re=293966]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And I imagine an insurance company or two. Boats sink and ponies go to the great pasture in the sky.

  15. President Beeblebrox

    Wow, so not only will people think that Obama going to pay their mortgage, now they’re going to think he’ll pay their credit card bills?

    /wingnut response to credit card reform plans

  16. NunnaTheSOBs

    I love the effin’ P.C. — “mentally challenged youngster”.

    I was a “mentally challenged younster” in my damn partial
    differentials class, this kid was effin’ crazy.

    If a guy is too shy to talk to a girl is he “testicularly
    challenged”?

    Is a guy with a 3″ schlong “peniley challenged”?

    Is a guy who doesn’t shower regularly “hygienically callenged” ?
    (scratch the last one, I just googled it, and he IS).

  17. WadISay

    Predator X? Sheesh, is everybody into this my real identity was stolen from me by the white man stuff?

  18. ManchuCandidate

    Dang, I thought this sea monster was alive but NO, it’s just another fossil that the Intelligent Desigers/Teabaggers/Religoids/Dumbfucks will have to spend years trying to figure out whether Jonah was swallowed by it or Jeebus blessed it.

  19. Woodwards Friend

    How crazy is this! I ordered a Airplane Hijackers Who Want To Go To Cuba throwback jersey from Mitchell and Ness a couple weeks ago. Does this mean the WHA will make a comeback too?

  20. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Is a guy with a 3″ schlong “peniley challenged”?

    Hell no!

    Er, not that I have any stake in such a question.

  21. loquaciousmusic

    [re=293976]HandsomePete[/re]: Teeth that look like cucumbers? Freddie Mercury? Wha’?

  22. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=293955]hockeymom[/re]: Ha! But actually, when I think of Norm Coleman, the first thing that comes to mind is pig poop!. Also.

  23. 4tehlulz

    [re=293964]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Gitmo is the quickest way to get street cred nowadays.

    I heard Eminem is going to try to be waterboarded 187 times in a day, just for his next album.

  24. user-of-owls

    [re=293988]4tehlulz[/re]: Gitmo? That’s for posers and wanna-be’s. All the real G’s kick it in the black sites. “Yo! Shout out to my Polish homies!”

  25. loquaciousmusic

    [re=293988]4tehlulz[/re]: Right after he made the comment about being “gangsta,” my student said, “I want to go to Gitmo. That would be awesome.” Then he stopped, thought about it for a second, and said, “Actually, no it wouldn’t.”

  26. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=293992]loquaciousmusic[/re]: “Are You Stupider Than a 7th Grader”?

    Oh well, when I was a 7th grader, I probably thought it was a great idea to nuke Hanoi, because of that thing that was going on over there.

  27. user-of-owls

    [re=293992]loquaciousmusic[/re]: [re=293999]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Still, seems as if he isn’t cut out to grow up Republican. He actually paused to reflect and came to the conclusion he’d said something stupid. Disqualified!

  28. Custerwolf

    [re=293971]A Better American Than YOU[/re]:
    And if I had a boat
    I’d go out on the ocean
    and if I had a pony
    I’d ride him on my boat.

  29. loquaciousmusic

    [re=294002]user-of-owls[/re]: He’s also African American and not self hating, so it looks like the Republican Party is indeed out of the cards for him.

  30. momus

    As Dick Cheney might say, I”if we had to waterboard someone 266 times, it can’t be classified as torture because it was obviously ineffective, which torture isn’t.” Either that or the victims figured out that they weren’t going to drown after the third or fourth session.

  31. user-of-owls

    [re=294008]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Huzzah! Still, in all honesty, his response just makes you shake your head, doesn’t it?

  32. Custerwolf

    MSNBC headline reports that the polo ponies were poisoned. That’s because they’re idiots. The horse’s probably died from an entero-toxin, which is produced by certain bacteria (or bacterial overgrowth) in the horses’s gut and can be caused from spoiled feed. But that doesn’t sound nearly as interesting as Boris Badenov sneaking stealthily into a barn to surreptitiously poison the Venezualen’s horses.

  33. HuddledMass

    [re=293970]awesomeguy#1[/re]: yeah, check it, the carry-on explosives Marine dude “…is being arraigned in East Boston District Court tomorrow on charges of possession of an infernal machine…” AN INFERNAL MACHINE, PEOPLE!!

    Boston, you’re my home.

  34. dijetlo

    I will be so sorry when they allow the hobos to take over the newspapers (but bluntly, we need the space). Without them who will reprint the important information contained in blogs for the bitters without an internet connection? When the political parties lie, will anyone even hear them without those guys?

  35. WIld Turkey

    [re=294034]HuddledMass[/re]:

    I wonder what the mens rea requirement is in a prosecution for “possession of an infernal machine” — a dastardly purpose?

  36. loquaciousmusic

    [re=294015]user-of-owls[/re]: Certainly yes, but at least he’s 12. Jonah Goldberg acts like that every day and he’s, what, like 200?

  37. Custerwolf

    [re=294020]Custerwolf[/re]: Ok I stand corrected – it turns out the horses’ symptoms came on too acutely for my theory to pan. A vet says she thinks they were injected with something harmful intentionally. Um, Boris, can I see you in my office please?

  38. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    In a wonderfully Pythonesque turn, the hi-jacked plane was already scheduled to fly to Cuba.

  39. Nezumi

    It’s probably a bad sign that when I first read the title of this entry, I thought it’d be about Norm Coleman. Have you seen the guy’s teeth?

  40. horned_viper

    Wouldn’t a reasonable person conclude that if 20 waterboarding attempts doesn’t suss out the info, then another 160 won’t do much better? Seriously people! Who was running the CIA? The Inquisition?

  41. DemmeFatale

    [re=294091]loquaciousmusic[/re]: 7th graders? I used to teach 7th grade, and waterboarding stories might just get through the fog. Wanna-be cool boys and viper-in-training mean girls.
    Good times.

  42. DangerousLiberal

    [re=293954]Cape Clod[/re]: Especially when it’s going to make a stop in Havana before heading back to Halifax, NS, in the land of Castro’s Commie Enablers? This dude needs a check-up from the neck up.

  43. DangerousLiberal

    [re=293979]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Well, if Jonah was swallowed by it the mofo took a whole city with him. Jeez, that beast is huge. And was put here on earth by satan to eff with our minds, man.

    It’s good not living in the whatever-cene era that thing is from, because that was stone creepy.

Comments are closed.