efficient private sector allocations of wealth

Joe The Plumber Starts New Business: Pay Him Money For Nothing!

Joe the Plumber is so angry about something! Are you angry about something or not? Your opinion counts! Here’s your chance: for just $0.99 (hilarious rationale here) you can “sext” Joe the Plumber either your “yes” or your “no” opinion about whether the IRS should be abolished and replaced with the Fair Tax, which is a *fair* tax — says right there in the name, “Fair Tax” got it? What are you illiterate or something? (No cap gains!) YOU’RE NOT SEXTING FAST ENOUGH. [IRSvote]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

89 comments

  1. Texan Bulldoggette

    Joe the Plumber doesn’t have a job. So does he figure that by making zero income, he would pay zero taxes? And by doing away with the IRS, that a LOT of unemployed people who probably can’t all make it into the big leagues like Joe has–’Sam the IRS auditor’ just doesn’t have the same ring.

  2. Cicada

    This is one step up from a payday loans ad. Watch out, Gary Coleman, Joe’s gunning for your job!

  3. shortsshortsshorts

    OH GOOD I WILL DO THAT BECAUSE JOE THE PLUMBER WILL CHANGE WASHINGTON AND THIS TEXT VOTE WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING AND THERE WILL BE CHANGE IN AMERICA AND CHANGE WILL HAPPEN BECAUSE JOE THE PLUMBER WILL CHANGE IT AND THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT. FUCK THOSE LIBERAL TAX CODES LETS MAKE IT A FLAT TAX I WANNA BE FUCKING POOR IM SICK OF THESE RICH PEOPLE NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY I WANT TO HAVE EIGHT MORE KIDS AND THAN I WANT TO TEACH THEM EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT ABORTION AND HOW TOO MUCH MONEY GOES INTO EDUCATION BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE EDUCATED IN ORDER TO MAKE A GOOD LIVING AND THAN THEY CAN BE POOR TOO BECAUSE THAT IS THE AMERICAN THING TO DO AND IM DAMN PROUD OF IT. IN TIME WE CAN TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK FROM THE 3 MONTHS THAT THE COUNTRY HAS BEEN DESTROYED BY THE ILLIGITIMATE BLACK MAN IN OFFICE WHO IS A DETESTABLE MUSLIM AND WILL KILL US ALL WITH HIS IDEAS ABOUT INFRASTRUCTURE AND GIVING UNEDUCATED PEOPLE LIKE ME AN OPPURTUNITY TO FEED THE EIGHT KIDS THAT I WANT TO HAVE. JOE THE PLUMBER IS THE ONLY POLITICIAN EVERS WHO UNDERSTANDS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

  4. V572625694

    So JtP wants to simplify the tax code, huh? Doesn’t Barry want to do the same thing?

    And (slightly off topic) isn’t it great the way the MSM pundits are saying, “Barry’s trying to do too much! It’s impossible!” What they really mean is, “I don’t have enough experts in my Rolodex to call on immigration, tax reform, GM bailouts, Wall Street cleanup, etc. Hahahaha, David Broder: Barry’s younger than you and works a lot harder.

  5. Will work for shoes

    Another reason to hate John McCain and Sarah Palin.

    BTW, Palin’s AG nominee got voted down. Guess she’ll have to try again when she gets back to the state where she’s supposed to be working.

  6. iwillsavethispatient

    The real irony is that under the Fair Tax, the cost of that text message would have to be at least $1.33, and in all likelihood a lot more.

  7. Scandinavian Fetus

    Why does he look like a freshly circumcised penis?

    A penis never looks presentable in flannel.

  8. Tommmcatt

    What is the number I can use to send Joe pictures of my bunghole, for example? I would dearly love to treat him to such an image….

  9. raysmuckles

    I guess those are supposed to be plumbing tools behind him? Because he’s “Joe” the “Plumber?”

  10. slappypaddy

    These wingnut people never cease to amaze. Clearly their goal is to move from dumbass stunt to dumbass stunt until they have rendered us completely speechless at the unfathomable depths of their stupidity.

  11. chascates

    Here’s hoping some borderline crazy IRS worker shoots him about 90 times with a firearm.

  12. Bearbloke

    [re=292388]Red Zeppelin[/re]: I’m hoping for his solo-snuff pic – I’ll pay to… (see that?… hmm,no…) I’d pay to know for sure that it exists, and that the attendees at the next ReThuglican National Convention are forced to watch it…

  13. shanemacgowan

    “Joe the Plumber is in discussions with political lobbyists in Washington. We are negotiating a contract with one of these lobbyists’ to take the views of you the people to Congress. The right to lobby is as old as the U.S. Constitution and is protected in the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights.”

    Fuck.

  14. Bearbloke

    [re=292411]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: You’ve never been to a winter-time ‘Under-Bear’ party, evidently….

  15. Gopherit

    [re=292411]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: he probably is circumcized. He never wears tie, so there’s really nothing to keep the foreskin from coming up around his ears.

  16. Will work for shoes

    [re=292401]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You forgot to “BLAME THE GAYS FOR EVERYTHING”

  17. Gopherit

    I am Joe the Plumber and I am not a politician. Hilariously, I am not a plumber either! Do you hate all of that tricky work doing taxes? So do I! That’s why I never do them! I get wingnut radio jocks to raise money from other wingnuts to pay mine! Fuck you all!

  18. RoscoePColtraine

    I guess the country music career with all it’s 99 cent downloads didn’t quite pan out. Soon as Joe discovered that making an album actually required work. And talent.

  19. Custerwolf

    I gotta head up to work now, but I just wanted to shout out a quick “FUCK YOU” to Joe. I can assume he’ll be just as ugly and stupid when I return. Oh – and Joe, try to do alleviate that wincing “I haven’t been laid in 6 years” look you’ve been sporting of late.

  20. Atheist Nun

    He’s out of work? Well, if he puts on a white teeshirt and a gold hoop earring, I’ll hand him a bucket and a scrubber sponge and he can pretend he’s Mr. Clean all over my fucking kitchen floor.

  21. Will work for shoes

    [re=292443]Custerwolf[/re]: He did say he was horny at some appearance he made a few weeks ago, so…

  22. chascates

    “By voting, you are not exempt from paying federal or state income taxes or tax-related penalties, if any.”

    I bet a lot of Joe’s many fans get the wrong idea despite the warning.

  23. Double Scorpion

    [re=292420]shanemacgowan[/re]: Can you imagine that? There you are Congressman Mcgowan sleeves rolled up, working hard to better your constituents life and your assistant comes in. “There’s some guy here, a uh Joe Pretzelback to see you.” You look out into the waiting area and there sits this K-mart flannel wearing, slack-jawed fucknut, staring at a wrinkled piece of paper titled Talkin’ Points, muttering “Nigerian EU-surper, Nigerian u-SUR-per”

  24. NebraskashireGentry

    the sweet T-shirt is free but voting for the “cause” costs $.99?

    that’s called a Poll Tax, Joe…it was deemed unconstitutional, like, forever ago.

  25. agentstinky

    He’s somewhere in my state…swear to God if I ever see him he’s gonna get such a pinch…

  26. Holding Out for a Hero

    Can this guy just take a flying fuck at the moon and leave us the hell alone?

  27. SayItWithWookies

    There is a direct line from the storming of the Bastille to Joe the Plumber in a — oh fuck it, just make him stop.

  28. problemwithcaring

    “I’m gonna give the American people the opportunity to vote the IRS out.”

    Thank God this man came along when he did.

  29. Godot

    I never understood what’s so goddamn hard about doing your fucking taxes. If you’re like me and your finances aren’t too complicated, it’s a breeze. If you’ve got all kinds of financial wheelings and dealings, itemized deductions this and taxable interest that, capital gains out the ass, you have enough money that you can afford to get a fucking accountant to do that shit for you.

  30. shanemacgowan

    [re=292454]Double Scorpion[/re]: Unfortunately I had to resign after being caught at the Tidal Basin with a stripper and a duffle-bag full of Peyote well before Sam the Asshat found his way to my office.

  31. psilage

    Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you’ve got the power inside you right now. So use it. And send $1 to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don’t delay; eternal happiness is just $1 away!

  32. grevillea

    [re=292452]chascates[/re]: “Dammit, stop calling me about ‘taxes’! I unsubscribed from your damn service last month — here, it’s on the phone bill, 99c call to DraneSnake Enterprises…”

  33. frailamerica

    The first fact on their “15 Interesting Facts About the IRS” page is: President Abraham Lincoln created the IRS during the Civil War to help pay for the military expenses.

    Why do they hate Honest Abe and the military?

  34. June Cleaver 2.0

    Republicans have no sense of dignity, and will do anything for 99 cents. Just look at him trying to con a buck from his teabagging friends.

    I also hate McCain’s guts for creating this ghoul.

  35. ShortShadey

    “Hi, I’m Joe the Plumber. Please give me ninety-nine cents so I can buy myself a new shirt.”

  36. JoethePlumber

    You people don’t get it. This is your REAL chance for change. We can vote the IRS out for less than a dollar. Text your vote or spend a billion hours a year trying to file your taxes. The choice is yours, snarktards.

  37. Mac W Cheese

    I eliminated gay marriage. I am torn between the other two choices. Oh, just kill him to shut him up.

  38. daisy chain

    “This is a vote that won’t be ignored.”
    Um, sorry, yes it will be ignored. Remember when half the country didn’t want to invade a sovereign nation for, like, looking at us funny and being muslins, and the President was like, “Hey fuck you guys, I’m the fucking President and I’ll invade whoever I like, so suck it.”? This will be a lot like that, except the rest of the world will pretty much give Obama props for not being a retard.

    Also, I like the tax system. I get a shit load of money back every year and its worth all six billion hours I spend clicking “Next” on TaxAct Online.

    On another subject, I think we should all just start shitting outside in our backyards, therby eleminating the need for toliets and all the problems they cause. Did you know that they average American spends six billion hours a year scrubbing their toilets? And that they spend $10,000 a year on plumbers? And that’s to say nothing of all the marriages that end because the man won’t put the toilet seat down. Toilets are FRENCH! Americans shit in their yards!

  39. smartypants

    Lego Jesus, here….I thought this was about being angry.

    I am angry at a teablog poster for ignoring my irony and insisting on being earnest.

    I am an ANGRY AND VENGEFUL Lego God…my patience wears thin.

  40. engulfedinflames

    [re=292576]daisy chain[/re]: i’m with you! plumbing is a pain in the neck and toilets cause hemorrhoids. let’s all dig holes in our backyards and build little houses over the holes then shit in the holes!

  41. engulfedinflames

    ALSO this jerk-offs time expired long ago. I’m editing him out of my little world.

  42. americanscandoanything

    It won’t be long before joe is making that $250,000 and then he will have something to accually complain about!

    Although someone should tell “Joe, the object of derisive scorn” that the 24th Amendment outlawed poll taxes

  43. Kev-O-Tron

    May God bless Joe the Plumber! Should I someday have a daughter I shall hope she meets Joe and may be Mrs. Lou Ellen the Plumber. A man only wants the best for his daughter and Lord knows there wouldn’t be a stopped up shitter in that household. Except for Joe, that is.

  44. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=292650]americanscandoanything[/re]: Oh no he won’t be. You think there are more than 250,000 idiots who are going to make the $.99 call to vote. Even if there are, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t get a %100 cut on the deal.

  45. Lascauxcaveman

    Well, he is a true Republican: always looking for ways to manipulate stupid people in order to make money from them.

  46. CaliforniaMike

    [re=292612]raysmuckles[/re]: I’m thinking a set of three sex tapes — Joe and Bristol, Joe and Larry Craig and Joe diapering Vitter.

  47. Double Scorpion

    [re=292492]shanemacgowan[/re]: Before you are escorted by the Capitol police ala David Lee Roth in the Panama video could you administer some of that peyote to Sam orally, preferably from the tip of a bullet.

  48. Custerwolf

    But enuf about Joe the Fluffer. I just watched Aaron Schock on Colbert (first time I’ve seen him in moving pictures) and if anyone had any residual doubts about his gayness – let me put them to rest. He’s gay. He’s gayer than a 3-barrel shotgun. And he’ll never admit it. He’ll marry some blonde chick and bang his ski buddies on the side. Well, I hope I didn’t ruin the ending of the story for anyone.

  49. Custerwolf

    Oh – by any chance did anyone happen to notice how mightily HuffPo sucks? Jesus christ, what the fuck is up with that site? If there were a way to turn it into a barricade, I’d have to smash through it with my fucking car. It’s the goddamned View over there with the, “Oh, here, let me read up on all the bullshit going on in the world so I can fine-tune my pretentiousness, then take some time to remind myself how everyone is a complete fucker- except those folks who like me, and then afterwards let’s say we go do some couch yoga and then cook an intimate dinner for two with Rachel!” C’mon you evolutionary neonates. Who but your own damn selves are you kidding?

  50. PlanetWingnuta

    hmmmm Is it me or is anyone laughing at the fact that a guy who has a tax lien against him (well he may have paid it off w/ all the “jobs” he’s been getting) is in a commerical angry at the IRS and wanting to vote them out of office…

  51. artbot2000

    Back when I still paid a moment’s attention to meat puppets in flannel, they all ended up either working for Howard Stern or disappearing, or both. What has happened to this once-great nation?

  52. CaliforniaMike

    [re=292694]Custerwolf[/re]: HuffPo used to be decent, but it’s gone so far down the tubes now that it’s clogging the sewers. We need to get Joe-the-not-a-Plumber working on it.

  53. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I forget, who is the gay Republican prostitute…, the guy who sucks cock or this guy that asks for money for no reason.

  54. arewethereyet

    “and if you vote in the next hour i’ll throw in this great set of kitchen knives absolutley free….”

  55. Lazy Media

    [re=292413]raysmuckles[/re]: Apparently, now he’s Joe the Rough Framer. Which will be his porn name, just you wait and see.

  56. Vartan84

    I wonder whose “plumbing” truck that is used as a prop in the background, since its obviously not Joe’s…

    “Join me and I guarantee your vote will count”… so he’s saying unless we give him a dollar our vote will NOT count? Is Joe the Plumber trying to fleece America?! No, he’s not, because most of America isn’t dumb enough to fall for his trick. However, those who quite literally fell for the tea party (into their local rivers) will no doubt be texting Joe numerous times because throwing their cell phone into the river.

  57. Lazy Media

    [re=292490]Godot[/re]: I have all that crap, and Turbo Tax handles it with ease. Takes me about an hour to do my taxes.

  58. McDuff

    Ah, yes, the “Fair Tax.” I pay 15% of my income in Federal tax and a lot more in State tax because the Feds don’t have any money to share with the States for roads, bridges, and schools, leaving me no money for retirement savings or junior’s college fund after I pay for food, clothing, and one really cheap hooker.

    Meanwhile, Joe the Billionaire pays 15% of his income in Federal tax and no State tax because he “lives” in Texas (assuming he hasn’t moved “off shore” where he pays no U.S. taxes at all), leaving Joe with plenty of money for 2 mansions, his $5 million “ski cabin,” a weekend place in the Hamptons, 2 yachts, 3 mistresses, alimoney for 2 ex-wives, and lots of really, really expensive hookers. Yep, sounds fair to me!

  59. BadKitty

    This dude may have figured out how to get money for nothing but I sure he ain’t NEVER got his chicks for free.

  60. sezme

    Best moment is at 0:39 when a bird poops just behind his left shoulder – just barely missing him. Made his screed almost tolerable. And he didn’t mention tea, tea parties, or tea-bagging even once!

  61. Mustang

    The explanation of why they charge 99 cents falls under the category of losing credibility by over explaining. I despise this sort of crap. At my local Costco, people complained so much about having the “greeters” check their receipts at the door (F you. I just spent 300 dollars and you treat me like a prisoner trying to steal forks from the dining room) that they posted a big sign that reads something to the effect that they just want to make sure we got everything! Like anyone in the universe is stupid enough to believe the guy at the door can glance at a receipt and a basket for 5 seconds and make sure we got everything. He’s looking to see if my receipt says I bought a box of spaghetti but I got a laptop computer in my cart. I’m seriously thinking of boycotting Costco because they are a-holes and they hire rude jerks.

    Whoa, sorry. I needed to vent.

  62. zenferret

    [re=292696]artbot2000[/re]: The Meat Puppets in flannel? No silly, the Meat Puppets didn’t wear the flannel that was the later grunge guys from Seattle. Well maybe when they played with Nirvana on that acoustic thingie.

  63. Winsome

    [re=292412]Tommmcatt[/re]: do you take the photos yourself? How? Please describe in detail?

  64. prophet1195

    hahahaha Joe the Toilet Plunger, hahahaha!

    Thanks for helping Obama win, Buddy. I owe you a Bud lite.

  65. greggdetroit

    Am I really the first person to notice the shirts don’t come in XL, XXL or XXXXXXXL? This is not knowing your constituency.

Comments are closed.