Wonkette
Guess what happened on April 14 of years past? Well, on April 14 of 1912, the Titanic struck an iceberg, hooray! And on April 14 of 1846, the Donner Party began their journey to California, hip hip hooray! And exactly a year ago today, your Wonkette shook itself free from the uterus of Gawker Media and just cold went indie — and the past 12 months turned out to be the biggest year ever, in terms of readers and page views and traffic and visitors and even advertising!
So, while Wonkette.com is actually more than five years old, and your editor has been tethered to this monster for more than three years, and your associate editors are deep into their second years on this mighty ship of state, your fresh ‘n free Wonkette is, legally, just a dumb little diaper-assed one-year-old webtard. So stop molesting the wee webtard. Thanks for sticking with us, peoples!
Does Wonkette live in Dog Years? So you are really 7? And next year, you will be in the throes of puberty?
Will the Bonus Army be giving us teh Bonus Checks?
One’s the new 30! Congrats!
Where’s the part where you ask us for money?
HBD Wonkette… I shall celebrate by steeping some tea….
what’s the legal age of consent for a blog?
Let this serve as official notification that improper use of the ‘cold’ modifier must stop.
Congrats!
It’s been an interesting year, what with the near sinking of the shipette upon colliding with the iceberg-sized Campbell Brown, and possibly the ass of the Slim Shack chick.
Good times.
You are like our own little Trig Palin, while we wish you were better, we love you anyway.
It’s been a year since we’ve been able to embed pix & vids? Seems a lot longer than that.
Thank YOU for keeping me informed on a wide array of important issues of the day like anal poisoning and Bo and drunken negro head cookies.
Honestly, Wonkette post Gawker is 10x better than it was when Mr. Denton cracked the whip. You guys done good.
Please carry on, even if it means selling space to SaraPAC! We love you, Wonkette!
Congratulations! So it’s been one year since our old comments disappeared into the ether for-ev-er. Never forget.
Happy Birthday!!!
Hope this means you’ll soon not pee on us when we change your diaper.
Happy birthday Wonkette, you’ve steered me through years of political snark which I wouldn’t have gotten a fix of anywhere else. At least not quite in the wonderfully exaggerated way you do it. And now youz famous! Kongradoolashonzz!
Wonkette, what are you wearing?
Can you bring the SWIM girl back for the party?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. ALSO.
Gawker birthed a crack baby, but looks as though little Wonkette is outperforming all medical expectation!
On Good Friday, April 14, 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot while attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theatre with his wife and two guests.
This has been This Day in Infamy. Underwritten by TEABLOGGERS.
I’m sorry, I only got as far as “Wonkette is legal”
Sooo…what are you doing later?
Dave J.: agreed
Scarab: Much like with Sarah and Trig, I put up a show of loving Wonkette. However, I secretly resent Wonkette because it didn’t help me achieve my life goals but now that I exploited it by dressing it up in various furry costumes I’m stuck. Also.
Of course, the real anniversary will be when TEH NEW WONKETTE has been around for FIVE AND HALF YEARS!!!!!1111!111
A shiny new set of Trucknutz has been donated in Wonkette’s name to the Human Fund.
Will Wonkette be in a hostile takeover of Google soon?
Can Jim grow a moustache yet? Can SKS?
Congratulations.
Now as to that blingee picture. BO-BO Fett?
I am a wealthy eccentric industrialist seeking to invest….however I see that HuffPo has a story about kissing lesbians on YouTube. Kthxbai!
OK. I think your old enough now to move out of the basement and get a job.
if the tea bags, wear it. or belt it. maybe cinch it?
happy birthday!! you guys have really made me feel like family over the past year…and not in a gay republican kind of way.
magic titty: It’s not luxurious, exactly, but it’s fuller than Jim’s.
Woo!
Let’s celebrate with some good-old-fashioned buttsecks.
Dave J.: Hear hear.
Here’s hoping Wonkette celebrates its first birthday like my daughter did hers: watching the lords of the manor get drunk and sarcastic. Blogging gold…
Being only one-year-old, Wonkette is still young enough to take a shit in the bathtub and not get in trouble for it. Keep those turds a-comin’!
Did you gnaw you own umbilical off too?
Anyway happy birthday!
Two words…birthday spanking.
Does Wonkette have a certificate of live birth we can scrutinise to verify this story?
You know what else happened on April 14M? Lars Ulrich sued Napster.
So it’s a kind of “Second Childhood,” eh? Huzzah! I’ve lurked, on and off, since the days of AMC (blessed be her name), and it’s never been better.
I demand a “best of” post, set to “I Had The Time of My Life”.
Happy “birth”day, Ken, Jim and Sara.
Mustang: And don’t forget Oregon’s bold stroke against the Cleveland Steamer!
Lascauxcaveman: Yeah it would be nice to have some embeds, or even pre-edits.
hockeymom: Win.
Suck out Truck Nutz, Nick Denton! Tea bags also.
Dave J.: Indeed, this indie Wonkette is something to be feared and admired. I wouldn’t be upset if the lEEt h@xors in the web department figured out a way to let us post images again in the comments, even if it was only for ol’ Serolf Divad.
No, thank YOU, Wonkette. If not for being able to use you as my outlet for cussing, snarking, excessive drinking & being able to be a generally rude bitch on this site, this otherwise polite, sane, non-cursing, quiet apolitical, law-abiding Girl Scout mom of two, would go apeshit on some poor, unsuspecting stained wife-beater wearing toothless greasy cap-bedecked redneck who dared to put 11 items in the 10 items of less lane at the local WalMart. Thank you again. Also.
best year ever! thanks for all the buttsecks!
One year ago my best friend for 15 years (Harvey the cat) died. But Wonkette was re-birthing on the same day to help fill the void. Now one year on I am still sad but also still distracted by Wonkette’s increasingly vulgar snark which makes me laugh out loud sometimes. Also now, every time I want to shoot up I instead visit Wonkette and so have remained clean for 16 months. Wonkette — better than buprenorphine!*
*Doctors do not recommend substituting Wonkette for buprenorphine.
I was laid off at the end of February 2008. Thanks to spending my days online with Wonkette I’m still unemployed but have learned so much about bizarre sex, corrupt politicians, and eccentric fellow citizens I consider it time well spent.
I just wish I could get up before one in the afternoon.
Come here a minute: Yeah, Lincoln. Also April 14 1935 was “Black Sunday,” which was the final straw for a lot of Okies. I know this thanks to that great Gillian Welch song.
Happy birthday, disasters!
Congratulations, Ken. Wonkette is the best blog-type thingy since Suck.com
You deserve four whore diamonds.
Yaaaay! Happy Birthday! Here’s to another year of WAR BLOGGING, buttsecks, and stone cold blogging!
hockeymom: I vote for the montage to be set to Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”. You can’t beat a fork stuck in the road.
And to think of all the things I could have done with me life— choosing to be an obsessive Wonkette Commenter turned blog-whore has proven to be the middle way.
AllHat: You need to cold chill out, brotha. Or stop wearing the mantle of the bat! Batman loves to just cold pound on some criminals.
Dave J.: Let’s not get too excited. I’d 10%, not 10x.
Hey, were are our fucking whore diamonds?
Gopherit: It’s been a goddamn year and you still haven’t given us back our goddamn whore diamonds.
Also, has it seriously been a year since the epic fail of that transition?
Has it been over a year since we first got our whore diamonds? My, what a long strange journey it’s been.
Damn, a year already. That means I’m getting my taxes done a day early. Happy rebirthday, Wonkette!
Gopherit: tunamelt: I KNOW RIGHT?
AllHat: can haz straight up? e.g. wonkette went ’straight up’ indie or
we ’straight up’ pwnd those teabagging, Gault going, redneck bitches?’
kthxbai
I remember drinking for this last year.
I prefer to think of Wonkette as being ‘reanimated’ a year ago, like that Bride of Frankenstein monster girl…
It’s alive!! ALIiiiiiiiiiiVE!
…which of course makes us your Army of Igors, slavishly doing your evil bidding and eating bugs, etc.
Anyway, congrats! There are a few other sites that have also kept my interest for 5 years, but they just don’t have the magic combination of politics, buttsecks, Whore Diamonds and TruckNutz! that makes my naughty bits tingle for Wonkette.
hockeymom: Magic Rainbows
You know, a year ago Mrs Tommy was all crazee watching every little poll, sure that Hopey would get screwed out of winning, every day, Tweety and Olbermann, Maddow and CNN….every little blip could have cost him the nomination and/or election. I was understanding, optimistic….blueballed.
Now she’s happy he’s in and quite relieved. And she’s a year older so …..meh.
Cape Clod: You got it!
Wow. You people are all crazy. I love ya, but you’re crazy. Teleprompters, also.
Wonkette is all grown up now! No more warblogging all over the floor!
If it wasn’t for Wonkette, I’d know nothing about teabagging, buttsechs, and AOL.
GRATZ WONKETTE!!! STAY SEXY!!!!
Happy Birthday, Wonkette!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnmbjzH93NU&feature=related
Why won’t you show us your birth certificate, huh? You commie slut sexytime Eurodog lovers.
Now she’s happy he’s in and quite relieved
buttsecks?
tunamelt: I prefer drinking to forget.
jagorev: There exists a very small demographic of libtard women who do not cotton to Wonkette’s Guide to the Back Door.
Aha! Party! I love b’days…drinks all around!!!
Can we old timey bitch about how the people who comment on Jezebel make our brains bleed and wish that we weren’t actually women?
Bruno: I saved some afterbirth in the freezer and shall be breaking it out for a little celebration with Mr. Cutty Sark, this evening. Cheers, Wonkette!
Ken Layne: Yay! I can haz truck nutz?
Wonkette is born again? That doesn’t sound right.
Oh Wonkette, if it wasn’t for the work you do the PUMA’s wouldn’t know what it was like to be shit on by professionals.
And yes I know ’shit on by professionals’ was during Gawker-era Wonkette, but all the other good memes have been used already.
For those of you who might be new to Wonkette, while you probably know that it mainly exist to help people (especially Republicans) hook up for the buttsex. As such, you should be aware of the following terms:
1) “Butterstick” = Women seeking man for anal. Declining in poularity of late.
“Muslin” = Male seeking male, willing to perform oral.
2) “Truck Nutz” = Man seeking man, prefers being on top.
3) “Truck Nutz 4 Evar” = Man seeking man, only top.
4) “!!!1!” or variation = Will offer reach around.
5) “Also” = Man seeking man, prefers bottom.
6) “Also …. Also.” = Man seeking man, only bottom.
7) “Paultard” = Male seeking male, looking for someone to perform oral.
9) “[ALL CAPS POST]” = Republican Male Submissive seeking male to humiliate me.
10) “War Blog” or variation = I’m into S&M.
11) “Snorg Chick” or variant = Isn’t anyone into boring hetro sex anymore?
12) “Denton” = Want someone to shit on my chest.
So the following post:
TRUCK NUTZ 4EVAR!!1!!!. PAULTARDS WILL SUBMIT TO OUR WAR BLOG!!1!!
decodes as follows:
Republican submissive into S&M, must be on top, will offer reach around, wants oral also. Also.
Now re-read the comments and see if you can figure out who you should hook up with.
Yay Wonkette, viva il Progresso. Yesterday, the Snorg Girl and the Peptol Bismo thing, tomorrow Coors Light and Ford F-150s.
Happy Birthday, Wonkette! I should send you some monies.
Nah, fuck that, alls I gots is American dollars and not so many of them anymore. Tell ya what, when you get diaper rash, I’ll be the one smearing fish oil cream on your raw buns. Deal? Won’t be too long and you’ll be in training pants, anyway. Oh, what fun we’ll have then…
I was looking for Sploid?!?
Lionel Hutz Esq.: you, sir, are a genius
Gopherit: Whore Diamonds are a fucking valuable thing. You don’t just hand them out for nothing!
Heck, I would just be happy with a preview box and being able to see what else someone posted by clicking on their names.
Also, naked pictures of each poster. Also.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: FTW - just because of sheer, exhaustive detail.
Come here a minute: However, due to the lateness of the initial incident in both cases, the Titanic did not sink and President Lincoln did not die until the NEXT day, April 15th, my birthday, ha ha! And income taxes and now teabagging, I guess? Oh, AND the day Joey Ramone died! Suck it Wonkette!
I was sooo nervous for you when Denton went on the ‘focus our core strengths’ bullshit. I thought you’d die!
Granted, I also thought you’d die when Ms. Ana Marie Cox gave it up to Alphabet Boys. But, you didn’t then either.
I guess I’m like the grizzled old aunt who always pokes you with a stick to make sure you’re not dead - only I’m the grizzled old aunt with a penis and perky breastesses.
happy birthday wonkette! it’s because of you that i haven’t got jack shit done at work, but you’ve kept me sane. thank you for this.
Happy Birthday- because of you loin queefs, I gave up sexing live objects, and it’s saved me $300 in heating bills. Huzah.
What a glorious day! It is my birthday too! Happy Birthday Wonkette!
Blumpkins for all!
Godot: So apparently the congratulatory montage will be annotated by Lionel Hutz Esq. and the soundtrack will be The Ramones’ I Remember You.
Damn, Bo Bama Fett is cute even with the helmet.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Most excellent, sir.
Let’s have a 3-pirate rifle salute!
And. Also. Etc. Nota Bene…
Parabens…
That’s happy bday in portuguese.. I’m stuck in lisbon and you guys are doing a wonderful keeping me up to date…
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Not enough options for women… you forgot PUMA.
/Butterstick.
I thank Baby Jeebus daily that you motherfucking assholes are here making this country safe for torture and corporations. Wait, this isn’t Free Republic or Red State?
In that case, Happy Birthday, bitches! Keep fucking with those who need fucking with. Also.
Congratulations Wonkette. You are the first site I go to anytime I go on the net. Great laughs combined with dead on political analysis.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I’ve printed a copy of that to tape to the wall. Thanks.
Congratulations, Wonkette: you are still the most astute & funny source on American politics today. You are also the reason I got a harsh letter from HR in March because I was spending too much time on this site in work. So . . . actually, fuck you, Wonkette, you’re ruining my career.
Oh, gosh. I forgot to get you anything, Wonkette! I guess I’ll go click on that CIVONY ad a few times.
Happy Birthday, and all that jazz.
tunamelt: You’re right, you’re right. I needed more for the women. However, I thought PUMA was self evident (= Put Unknown Member in Ass, ie, want anonymous anal sex, Furries preferred).
Happy Birthday, may you be ever aware of all internet traditions and may all your secks be of the butt variety.
Sweet Jeebus on a f#ckin’ pogo-stick! Is this what Nick Denton’s Gayby-boom has led us to? Well, happy happy berfday baby - here’s a pretty dolly for ya…
wheelie: I am HR, CEO and HNIC around here, so I get the privilege(?) of wasting allllllll day in this tar-baby timesink we lovingly call “Wonkette”… along with a shot of Akavit, it helps to ease the pain of balancing the books and trying to avoid laying off another (dammit!) one of my staff…
Happy Birthday! Am sending a card with teabags. Hope your balls are feeling parched.
The lovely and talented Rachel Maddow gave Wonkette major props tonight on her show. I’ve died and gone to heaven.
Many happy returns.
Never Forget!
congratulations wonkette.
Teething & colic ahoy! Here come the terrible twos.
Time to put some anabolic steroids in the milk-bottle, liberally dust the soother with high-grade crank, & watch the hilarity ensue. If you can’t bolt it down you’d better lock it up, folks. That fancy art-sculpture in the corner? Take a clear picture NOW, you’ll need it as a reconstruction guide later.
This could get unbelievably ugly, he murmured hopefully …