Clarence Thomas Marvels At Dishwashers

by Sara K. Smith

Just wait till he finds out about microwavesLet’s play a fun game and decide which of these three statements is a lie: at a recent address to a group of high school students, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas: 1) wondered why we did not have a “Bill of Responsibilities” to go along with the Bill of Rights; 2) admitted that he thinks the dishwasher is “a miracle” that performs actual magic; 3) announced that he would be compiling these revelations and other bits of folk wisdom into a Page-a-Day calendar called One Man’s Opinion, to be published by Reader’s Digest, cross-branded with a book of daily affirmations by Richard Cohen, and marketed at thousands of Cracker Barrel restaurants along I-95. [New York Times]

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Dave J. April 13, 2009 at 4:46 pm

Christmas at the Thomas household involves a small alter dedicated to Ron Popeil.

DNotApply April 13, 2009 at 4:50 pm

“Hello Ms. Hill, here is today’s ‘Bill of Responsibilities’ for you: wash this dish.”

Kim_Jong_LiL April 13, 2009 at 4:50 pm

testing testing

joezoo April 13, 2009 at 4:51 pm

4) Trick question! All of them are lies, because this is a den of snark.

gurukalehuru April 13, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Aaaarghh! This is Long Dong Silver and I loves me Maytag, matie! Aaaarghh!!

bored with gravity April 13, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Appointed by a man who marveled at the miracle of bar code-scanning cash registers.

Red Zeppelin April 13, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Is it just a coincidence or are all black Republicans complete lunatics?

Jukesgrrl April 13, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Many facets of our daily lives are a mystery to the elite of Washington: bar-coding, the price of milk and gasoline, corporate usury, AK-47s are dangerous, the fact the dry-cleaner might lose your pants, etc.

thefrontpage April 13, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Does working at the U.S. Supreme Court as one of those judges rot your mind and make you go crazy? Because it has, at least, for about seven of the current nine judge dudes, and for dozens of others.

Face it, these guys should not have life appointments–maybe an eight-year appointment, with a re-up after eight years by the current president–and then a maximum of eight more years. And then, that’s it.

That’s 16 years–if they get renewed. And it’s not like a U.S. Supreme Court Judge won’t find work after eight or 16 years on the bench.

But no one–no one–should have any open appointment in any judicial system in the United States–or in any country, for that matter. No one. None, zero, zilch.

16 years, tops, and eight years minumum. Hell, that seems fair.

Because, obviously, anything more than that in most judicial offices makes all of these guys go purely batshit crazy.

magic titty April 13, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Slow train coming.

suchsweetthunder April 13, 2009 at 4:55 pm

[re=287985]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Some of my best friends are black Republicans.

Mahousu April 13, 2009 at 4:56 pm

On a completely related note, someone has created a muslin doghouse for the new (Muslin) First Dog. As if you couldn’t guess.

hockeymom April 13, 2009 at 4:57 pm

[re=287985]Red Zeppelin[/re]: let’s see….steele, keyes, thomas and (sometimes) charles barkley.
I think you have an air tight case.

TGY April 13, 2009 at 4:58 pm

“I tend to be morose sometimes,” the justice said.

*Just* the sort of guy you’d want on the bench of the top court of the land.

shortsshortsshorts April 13, 2009 at 4:58 pm

I am confident in our Judiciary, now more than ever.

Texan Bulldoggette April 13, 2009 at 5:00 pm

[re=287990]thefrontpage[/re]: I don’t think age/old age is Clarence’s problem. I think he’s just a dumbass, cranky bigoted Republican who got misplaced in a black body.

problemwithcaring April 13, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Yay, a CT post!

Nostalgic for his made-up and militaristic childhood, a deeply-rooted hatred of those who feel entitled to dishwashers and usually watches a violent movie in his basement, as a stress-reliever …This sheds light on how he ended up such a misogynistic automaton.

WadISay April 13, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Jeeze, the article really was a high-tech lynching, which I mean in a good way.

Hedley Lamar April 13, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Did he say anything to honor the passing of Marilyn Chambers? Maybe he can officiate at the state funeral.

Buttery1000 April 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Man, Thomas is going to be pissed once he finds out that he’s black.

Atheist Nun April 13, 2009 at 5:05 pm


[re=287981]Kim_Jong_LiL[/re]: FYI: Comments are moderated, pal, so please stop HURR DURR DURRing all over the Wonkette, thnx.

Accordion-o-rama April 13, 2009 at 5:05 pm

I was really quite moved by his tender description of his relationship with his dishwasher. One can only hope that someday law and society come to regonize and value this special bond.

AngryBlakGuy April 13, 2009 at 5:06 pm

…well Michael Steele is amazed by the refrigerator.

Come here a minute April 13, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Clarence Thomas also finds the Thermos magical. It keeps hot things hot; cold things cold. How does it know?

magic titty April 13, 2009 at 5:10 pm

High class rinsin’.

Hooray For Anything April 13, 2009 at 5:12 pm

If your views haven’t really changed that much from the 19th Century, it would make sense that your knowledge of technology hasn’t really changed much from the 19th Century.

Custerwolf April 13, 2009 at 5:13 pm

I think he looked less pretentious in his stache.

DagNabbit April 13, 2009 at 5:14 pm

By “Marvels at Dishwashers” do you mean “Marvels at Other Black People”?

Do you?

Min April 13, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Must be the third one. The rednecks who eat at Cracker Barrel would never buy it.

V572625694 April 13, 2009 at 5:15 pm

[re=287985]Red Zeppelin[/re]: All black republicans are lunatics by definition, in the same way that all trees are plants. Or all Alaskans are hypocritical welfare whores.

ManchuCandidate April 13, 2009 at 5:20 pm

He’s got all the hallmarks of Michelle Malkin disease aka old white bitter trapped in an minority’s body.

I, for one, would like to meet any minority member of the Repub party who actually didn’t hate themselves or their people.

shortsshortsshorts April 13, 2009 at 5:20 pm

[re=288021]DagNabbit[/re]: THAT’S NOT RACIAL TRANSCENDENCE!!1!!

user-of-owls April 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=287994]magic titty[/re]: Slow train coming. Watch out for the cows, titty. And the puddles too.

Fivetree April 13, 2009 at 5:23 pm

[re=288023]V572625694[/re]: Speaking of Alaska, I hear they’re shopping around for a new Attorney General. It appears that Thomas, who was stumped by a question regarding changes in how Americans view the Constitution since the Civil War era, would be the perfect fit for a governor who could not name any Supreme Court case other than Roe v. Wade. He fit in there just like…..a pubic hair in a bottle of Coke.

americanscandoanything April 13, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Of course he marvels at a dishwasher

the other supremes make him wash the dishes every day court is in session

Seek April 13, 2009 at 5:25 pm

[re=287985]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Mega Win

magic titty April 13, 2009 at 5:26 pm

[re=288029]user-of-owls[/re]: Those puddles will kill ya. Just ask “Negro”.

DustBowlBlues April 13, 2009 at 5:26 pm

[re=287985]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Perfect opening for my theory on black Republicans. Yes, they are lunatics or intellectually deficient (and willing dupe of rich white guys) like OK’s own JC Watt. Were they Democrats, they would belong to a the party of Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson Jr, Cory Booker, Deval Patrick. etc. Lots of competition where being black is nothing unique–you gotta’ be smart and talented, too. Repugs, however, are so desperate to appeal to ethnic voters, they welcome the D team of lack luster sad-sacks and lunatic losers.

This also pisses me off, because douche bags like Clarence Thomas would have been riding at the back of the bus a whole hell of lot longer if liberals and the Democratic party hadn’t done the right thing, in spite of what it cost us.

Clarence Thomas is creepy. Also.

LFC April 13, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Clarence Thomas is one of the great legal minds of the 20th and 21st cent… (snarf, snort, giggle).

Damn! I almost made it with a straight face.

MarSF April 13, 2009 at 5:37 pm

And you wonder why Thomas never opens his mouth while hearing arguments. He is just too darn smart for all that!

Jukesgrrl April 13, 2009 at 5:40 pm

[re=288036]DustBowlBlues[/re]: You better watch out or the Democrats will be asking YOU to run for office. They need sacrificial dogies in the Dust Bowl.

LeastExcellent April 13, 2009 at 5:40 pm

This explains the reasoning behind the Supreme Court case Maytag v. Russell, wherein the case was dismissed because Clarence Thomas stated that because Maytag built washing machine they must be warlocks and therefore above muggle laws.

Holy Cow!! April 13, 2009 at 5:47 pm

My god, he’s insane!

picyou April 13, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Yeah, it’s a tough job, especially when one of the law clerks calls in sick. And talk about something hard—you just try to interpret Scalia’s under-the-table hand signals!

picyou April 13, 2009 at 5:55 pm

[re=288031]Fivetree[/re]: That’s a pubic hair on a *can* of Coke. And as I understand, he has since clarified that statement, explaining that he meant to say, “There’s a crucifix on my can of Coke.”

Gallowglass April 13, 2009 at 6:06 pm

Yeah, all this fixation on “rights” is just silly. If we did away with them all it would make Thomas’ job soooo much easier.

What a jackass. I thought I couldn’t hate anyone more than I hate Scalia, but damn, was I wrong.

WABishop April 13, 2009 at 6:07 pm

[re=288018]Hooray For Anything[/re]: What did the founders think of dishwashers?

problemwithcaring April 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm

This also pisses me off, because douche bags like Clarence Thomas would have been riding at the back of the bus a whole hell of lot longer if liberals and the Democratic party hadn’t done the right thing, in spite of what it cost us.

It pisses me off when white people say shit like this.

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 13, 2009 at 6:18 pm

You have to remember that Thomas is slightly to the right when it comes to the Catholic Church. If you had nuns whipping you to clean plates with your tongue, wouldn’t you find a dishwasher a miracle full of magic?

Advocatus_Diaboli April 13, 2009 at 6:24 pm

[re=288080]WABishop[/re]: What did the founders think of dishwashers house negroes?


AllHat April 13, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I’d love to hear more about this ‘Bill of Responsibilities’. Imagine the freepers’ reaction to a list of demands on citizens from the (all caps) Federal Government (/all caps).

sanantonerose April 13, 2009 at 6:44 pm

[re=287983]gurukalehuru[/re]: Women love costumes and stories…

chascates April 13, 2009 at 8:42 pm

“Today there is much focus on our rights,” Justice Thomas said. “Indeed, I think there is a proliferation of rights.”

And I’m sure he’d love to remove some of those rights if he got the chance. I’ve read that while he believes the federal government can’t mandate a national religion a state does have that right.

That’s not one of the rights he would restrict I’m assuming.

walkaway April 13, 2009 at 9:21 pm

Or, in 1910 NYT parlance, “Students discuss Bill of Rights, negro, dishwashers”.

professor.cj April 13, 2009 at 9:46 pm

His mother (and I think sister) work/worked in a cafeteria in an orphanage in Savannah. If they wash dishes, does that make them witches?

NunnaTheSOBs April 13, 2009 at 9:50 pm

This is the man who will along with his fellow justices, makes decisons about complex claims in patent law, bio-engineering, and copyrights?

God help us.

SayItWithWookies April 13, 2009 at 10:41 pm

His answers and the remarks that preceded them provided a revealing look at his worldview these days.

And what does he discuss? Days in elementary school when there was “a flag and a crucifix in every classroom,” watching Saving Private Ryan (without being able to explain why), and the magic of dishwashers. Sorry, but that’s not a worldview. That’s the view of the inside of a lampshade from the perspective of a moth.

Darkness April 14, 2009 at 12:17 am

[re=287985]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Some are just self hating.

Nothing about Thomas can surprise me. It was clear he was an utterly useless douchebag when he was confirmed and this is not something one outgrows.

Links April 14, 2009 at 12:32 am

And I marvel at Clarence Thomas.

hobospacejunkie April 14, 2009 at 6:00 am

[re=288089]problemwithcaring[/re]: It pisses me off when white people say shit like this.

I think you are misunderstanding Ms. Blues. It cost the Democratic Party pretty much the whole south when the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act were passed. It took until last November for that loss to be overcome in a national election. I do not believe she was counting the cost to herself personally for ‘saving the negroes.’

rcdl April 14, 2009 at 9:14 am

All lies! Everyone knows he doesn’t speak.

JDHART April 14, 2009 at 9:59 am

Seriously, is there anyone out willing to plunk down $$ for a calendar that offer up daily ramblings of a nut like Clarence Thomas? I think a George W. Bush soap-on-a-noose would do better.

BRI1776 April 14, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Justice Thomas’ complete speech is going to be aired this Wednesday, April 15, at 8:00pm EST on CSPAN, should anyone want to hear Thomas in his own words.

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