About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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111 comments

  1. comradepaulson

    Mr. Beck,

    You are supposed to light yourself on fire, not someone else.

    Sincerely,
    South Vietnamese Buddhist Monks from the 60s

  2. DirkLeisure

    Can they build a trigger large enough for everyone who wants to pull it to get a finger on it?

  3. Doglessliberal

    There are good, decent people out there with real skills who have lost their jobs. AND HE IS BEING PAID for logorrhea. Who do we kill to stop this?

  4. danadevin85

    it’s like he’s cracking up right before our eyes
    they need to check on his kids
    to make sure they are okay
    something is really not right with this man

  5. Bruno

    Was that an out of work ‘Thespian’ who got the water? He kind of reminded me of one of those actor/mimes who hang around in tourist spots.

  6. queeraselvis v 2.0

    This has got to be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. And that includes Tucker Carlson dancing.

  7. FMA

    Today on a very special Glenn Beck Show: Glenn kills and eats a hobo to protest Obama hosting a seder at the White House.

  8. Styrofoam Boots

    C’MON NOBAMA, LISTEN!!!!

    These are the cries of the Carrots, THE CRIES OF THE CARROTS.

  9. rmontcal

    [re=286633]danadevin85[/re]: The problem is as simple as the fact that he thinks he’s fucking hilarious. And I know that people are at home belly laughing over this shit. But it isn’t funny. It is just goddamn stupid drivel. That’s why it makes no sense to us. But for people who have no idea about anything comedic in nature, the loud man on TV pouring fake gasoline (sorry, petrol) on the gay man is goddamn shit that you’d better remember to tell the coworkers about tomorrow.

  10. Redhead

    wait wait wait. Did the guy who just pretended to douse some guy with gasoline and nearly light a match to prove some mildly retarded point just ask that Obama use common sense? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  11. Kev-O-Tron

    Wait just a minute! I watched that whole video and there was no fire. Newell fucking Rick Rolled me with Glen Beck?!? I want that 4:42 seconds back. I could have been jerking off or something.

  12. daisy chain

    Seven abortions for every baby? You mean that after having SEVEN abortions you still end up having the baby. OUTRAGE!
    This is the kind of medical care we can expect under comrade Osama’s forced socialist health care concentration camp system.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Watching Glenn Beck plead for sanity is intriguing — what the word even mean in his world? It’s like asking a blind person what fuschia is — the more emphatic he is, the more I realize he doesn’t have any idea what he’s talking about.

  14. psilage

    Surely he would not do something so dramatic unless there were true threats to goodness afoot!

  15. Pizzuti

    OK, now I am convinced that Glenn Beck was secretly a theater major in college but was kicked out of the program for chronic overacting. It seems like Fox News is increasingly overrun by white guys whose primary identity statement would be I CANNOT CONTAIN MY BURGEONING EMOTIONALITY!!!!

    Just slap a bit of lipstick on him and that diva BELT! Incidentally, Glenn Beck is my stripper name.

    But did you see his gasolined guest flit that wrist as he waved hi? I can see the headline now: Glenn Beck Lights Gay Man On Fire In Most Televised Hate Crime In History.

  16. Custerwolf

    Okay – they’re either going to have revise the current DSMMD or else commit Glenn beck stat.

  17. Paterlanger

    Who do you want your crazy Galtist coworkers and family members to be enamored with? Some middle of the road Republican who might actually unite them around a merely repellent form of conservatism, the kind that can win elections? Or wouldn’t you prefer that they all soak up the dead-ender cultist dogma that Beck is selling? Yes, Please conservative America, buy into this whacked-out orgy of paranoia and while you’re enjoying your decades long epic fail the rest of us can get to work and fix all the shit your boy, George, left behind.

  18. One Yield Regular

    I know it’s asking a lot of people who can’t even wrap their heads around Darwin, but it would save them all a lot of embarrassment if they’d at least TRY to familiarize themselves with some basic Freudian sexual psychology.

  19. Monsieur Grumpe

    That’s the most Glen Beck I ever watched. I need a shower. Not the Glen Beck kind of shower.

  20. Custerwolf

    I prayed to Jebus that the camera operator would trip – allowing the camera to swivel around and capture the TeLePRomptEr Beck was so obviously struggling with. Also a miserable failure was his attempt to bring that psychopathic soliloquy to a solid climatic moment – where he pretends to light the pizza-delivery stoogekin on fire whilst trying to continue reading his pre-scripted lines.

  21. rev_matt_y

    [re=286672]Paterlanger[/re]: Agreed.

    [re=286697]mocowbell[/re]:If they did that, I might start watching.

  22. El Pinche

    Wow! And FN televises his violent fantasies toward liberals and Obama.
    Here’s my wish. Roger Aisles needs to hurry up and have that massive coronary.

  23. Scandinavian Fetus

    [re=286625]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: No, my physiognamy was wrong. He is not a “reeducated Max Hedrom.”

    He is a cross between Karl Rove and a epileptic manatee.

  24. Custerwolf

    [re=286725]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: “He is a cross between Karl Rove and a epileptic manatee.”

    In other words, if Rove went and fucked himself.

  25. Canuckledragger

    When did Trig Palin legally change his name to “Glenn Beck?”

    They grow up SO fast, don’t they?

  26. leftcoaster

    Beck strikes me as the sort of guy who would sit down next to me in an airplane, breath reeking of booze, and immediately raise the arm rest between us. I would have to pretend I didn’t speak English to avoid a conversation, a tactic which would prove to be useless. He would spend the flight hitting on me by talking about how great of a husband he is.

  27. Sassette

    I think Glenn Beck should hold a fundraiser: $1 per gas can, $100 per match. We’d have the national debt paid off in like an hour.

  28. floraway

    When he said “the end of the games”, I thought that he said “the end of the gays”. But I guess that would probably be right in Beck’s book, too.

    Just remember, this man CONVERTED to Mormonism. He thought that it made enough sense to convert. I don’t need videos like this to prove to me that he is insane.

  29. cranky

    [re=286685]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: yes, he loves to tell stories of giving them spankings. do not watch if you have a history of childhood sexual abuse, it will set you back.

  30. Jukesgrrl

    I wish Wonkette would stick with its plan to be a Beck-free zone. I would have fewer bills from my gastro-intestinal doctor.

  31. animalmagnetism

    [re=286671]Custerwolf[/re]: It’s BELLINGHAM that done this to him. ‘Nuff said.

  32. Custerwolf

    [re=286758]animalmagnetism[/re]: Oh NOES!!!!!!! We’ve had some real psychopaths come out of that city (i.e., the Beltway comedy duo of Malvo & Mohammad, along with that Hillside Stangler chap), but this is really too much.

  33. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    This is Glen Beck in his purist form. I’m insane as hell, and I’m willing to sacrifice you to prove it.

    And, really, if your houseboy needs that much lube, find one that is a little more relaxed, Glen.

  34. ah pook

    Soon Glenn Beck will be surrounded by men in white coats and then a room with rubber walls.

  35. Harvey Birdman

    He’s sort of attractive. In the way that Bill Engvall is sort of attractive. But a little fem.

  36. Crank Tango

    I think it is only a matter of time before fox demonstrates how Obama is fucking us in the ass. The only question is who is the lucky bottom? And will it end in some ass-to-mouth, or a nice little bukkake party?

  37. americanscandoanything

    [re=286625]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: Everyone know he is just a (somewhat) grownup Bobby Hill

    He’s a prop comic too!

  38. CaliforniaMike

    Glenn Beck is the craziest mofo out there. He makes Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh look like Founding Fathers, and that isn’t easy.

    He has either been having too much or too little of teh buttsecks, I’m not sure which.

  39. Godot

    Did he seriously try to bring up the Alaskan Bridge to Nowhere and blame Obama, as President, for it.

  40. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Fuck it, Glen, just open Al Capone’s superdupersecret safe already. We’re fucking dying to know what’s inside.

  41. Styrofoam Boots

    Why is Beck wasting his talents as a “news” anchor?! He should be gettin’ in on televangelism—all the arson and crazy religious pussy he could shake a stick at. Maybe him and Jack Van Impe should do coke together sometime. Also.

  42. bofm

    This is the beginning of the slow death of Fox News.
    Guys, Glenn Beck is doing a very LAME imitation of Jon Stewart!
    He is aping the delivery, the toss off lines, everything but the creativity and wit.
    Schadenfreude Fatigue, Part Deux…

  43. prototype

    I feel bad for rich white republicans. Truly. It’s only been a couple of months out of power and they are totally losing it. Can they survive 4 (hopefully 8) years of this? I wonder. I don’t think Beck is crazy. I think he knows exactly what he’s doing and who he is appealing to. This comment was too srs business for wonkette, but I think Beck adds the lolz without any help.

  44. nader paul kucinich gravel

    A 50 Million Dollar Contract for his brand of co-opt propaganda;

    Special “entertainment” for the out of work folks ~

  45. El Pinche

    So now that Fox News is sponsoring and coordinating tea parties all across America, can they finally drop the “Fair and Balanced” slogan bullshit?

  46. trondant

    [re=286823]americanscandoanything[/re]: Nuh-uh. Bobby Hill is actually a decent, if naive human being. You must be thinking of Chet from Weird Science.

  47. DC Hates Me

    After seeing this video, I’ve decided to cut down on caffeine and meth. Serenity now, Glenn.

  48. rag

    [re=286656]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I thought there would be fire, too. Instead, just frightening insanity.

  49. archaeo-angel

    This is so stupid, I actually feel embarrassed for Glenn Beck and Fox news, it is like watching the fat chick pole dancing while drunk. sigh.

  50. 1ofUS

    “No one that ever lived ever thought so crooked as me.” – Glenn Beck Shaw (aka Clov, End Game)

  51. Hagar77

    The only thing this clip proves is that Glenn Beck can be found in your thesaurus as a synonym for “ham,” “asshole,” and “racist,” which means that you can get into all kinds of shenanigans with your local deli, significant other, and local Klan chapter. Keep a journal!

  52. gurukalehuru

    The clip was funny enough in itself – not as funny as the original with Jim Carrey, but funny in a
    OMFG what a moran kind of way – that I feel snark is superfluous and I can indulge in a serious comment.

    He said “We voted for change.” I would like to point out that he, Glenn Beck, did not vote for change. He voted for the old white guy who says “Heeennnggggghhhhhhh.”

  53. Gallowglass

    [re=286612]chascates[/re]: It’s funny you should mention that, I have hated Beck for years. My roomate used to watch it to make me scream and my stock scream was was “I want to light him on fire,”

  54. gurukalehuru

    Also without snarkiness, what will Glenn Beck say when the first unemployed pigfucker from Jesustan sets himself on fire, probably after dousing the house and his brood of peacefully slumbering kinfolk in gasoline?

  55. Monsieur Grumpe

    What we’re seeing here is hyper evolution of the republican pundit. Observe. Rush => OReilly => Beck => ?????
    What horror does the near future have for us?

  56. cheeto_jeebus

    [re=286937]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Sunday night bout 8 pm simple Jerry springer style stage set up, the Palins on one side, the Johnsons on the other. Every week a different pundit or televangelist tries to make the peace and in the process is eaten alive-literally. Beck could be first.

  57. agitpropster

    [re=286914]gurukalehuru[/re]: Watching these cretins right after The Black Arab kicked their asses up and down the block was funny -at first. Who can forget those hateful Christard crackers hissing and booing in Phoenix when WALNUTS! conceded? I admit it – I got major wood watching Hannity’s eyes actually tear up the first time he had to say “President-elect Obama.”

    But open incitement to armed sedition against a President who was actually elected isn’t funny – it is fucking treason. I am so tired of watching bitter, sore-loser Bushtard apologist morans stand there -WITH A STRAIGHT FACE- and start weeping about “the coming of tyranny.” WTF- I say again – WTF do they think they have been living in since September the 12th, 2001?

    I say arrest all Wingnut media “patriot” seditionists in the middle of the night without cause and detain them in undisclosed locations without charge until such time as the President determines they are not a threat to national security – they didn’t have a problem with that in the past eight years, why should they have one now? No phone calls either – when they start sputtering about their right as Americans to habeas corpus, tell them to ask John Yoo and Alberto Gonzales. I’m certain five years in solitary without visits or lawyers will convince them that perhaps Jose Padillas’ case should have gotten more airtime.

    Lying, libelous Swiftboaters, Joe The Plumber and The War Against Christmas?

    Not so much.

  58. AngryBlakGuy

    …cue the crazy white trash hillbilly, that kills his entire family and then goes on homicidal shooting rampage, because “Barack Hussein Obama” is turning Amurrica into cuba!

  59. liquiddaddy

    Crazy? From the guy that brought us the campaign to save the jelly-brained soft-serve human pudding machine? Crazy like a weasel.

  60. DC Hates Me

    [re=286937]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “What horror does the near future have for us?”

    The pretend terrorism of Glenn Beck and the Teabaggers will eventually turn into real terrorism. Realizing they’ve gone too far, Glenn will denounce the terrorism of his idiot followers and his career will be over. Libertarian fringe groups will be investigated by the FBI and DOJ, and their children will be forced into reeducation camps. Seeing their prophecy fulfilled, many Beck viewers will commit murder-suicide, forcing the government to take away their guns. Then Ron Paul will take the martyrs to paradise (Alaska) in his tea-stained blimp, but the blimp is shot down by the new Palin-Bachmann missile defense system. The Teabag Wars will be over when tea becomes a schedule-one substance and everyone calms down.

  61. Gallowglass

    [re=286948]agitpropster[/re]: Shit, these tools have 20 months before the midterm elections. They’re gonna have apoplexy before then. Their calling for the overthrow of the democratically elected government reminds me of nothing so much as Franco during the Spanish Civil War. That having been said, I’m not concerned in the slightest about their calls for armed insurrection. Remember, these cats couldn’t get enough people to take half an hour and *vote* in November. You think they’ll get a meaningful number of them to camp out in the woods and play insurgent for the indefinite future? The only ones who could afford to are unemployed and they like Obama for raising the foodstamp stipend.

  62. Custerwolf

    As I drove by past my shirtless meth-dealing neighbor yesterday, bent over a squad car and wearing his shiny new set of bracelets, a feeling of abject hopelessness came over me. Just in the last few days here in WA we’ve booked into our local jails a 20 year-old male on statutory rape charges – along with his 14 year-old girlfriend who’d killed the newborn baby they’d conceived, a mother who took her 1-year old to work with her, unaware that it wasn’t a cabbage patch doll (she never once checked on the baby until her 7-hour shift was over, thus it refused to be alive for her when she was ready to go home.), and the 17 year-old kid who stabbed to death his 87 year old neighbor, then took pictures of her with her cell phone. That’s just a sprinkling of what goes on in my area. Then there’s that freaky fat bitch who had her 5 children murdered by her psychotic husband when he found out she was having an affair. She had the dates of their deaths tatooted on her grotesque flab TWO days after the murders, showing up in numerous teevee interviews being pretend sad (hubby blew his head off, which left her free and clear to pursue her new lover). All but 1 of the children (the first of which she had at 13) were morbidly obese – which IMO should have gotten her prison time for child abuse, not her own Jerry Springer show.
    So. Can someone please, PLEASE, tell me what in the FUCK this piece of shit mental cripple Glenn Beck is doing trying to incite the already crazy-assed masses into further acts of craziness? Pull the fucking plug. Seriously.

  63. Custerwolf

    correction – the teen used HIS cell phone to snap the pics. When his friends asked him wasn’t he scared of getting caught, his reply was, “What’s the worst that could happen – she was 87 years old?” I’m betting her 90 year old husband has a differnet take on that.

  64. Gallowglass

    [re=286961]Custerwolf[/re]: That sounds like the rural Pacific Northwest. I thought I had left all that shit behind when I moved out of the South. Then the cops caught a shoplifter from my store with three giant jugs of moonshine in his trunk. My co-workers tell me that OR/WA is where Ozark and Appalachian hillbillies went on the Oregon Trail.

  65. mr. wunnerful

    as i watch whats left of my republican party circle the toilet drain, i wipe,flush, and wash my hands of it. glen beck……….”can drink more fluid than jeff beck….I ain’t really queer, but if he ever got near, steven tyler would pay to see, pay to see”…………..Frank Zappa. (R.I.P.)

  66. mr. wunnerful

    santorum: the sometimes frothy,usually slimy,amalgam oflubricant, stray fecal matter,and ejaculate that leaks out of the recieving partners anus after a session of anal intercourse….”as his happy cries subsided,the sweet, sticky santorum began dribbling from his distended asshole like mocha frappuccino. he told me that he loved me. it was only then that i realized the man i’d sodomized in a pittsburgh bathhouse was none other than pennsylvania senator rick santorum (R- Pa) i felt dirty.” can’t wait to see Urban dictionary define “teabaggers”.

  67. Custerwolf

    [re=286969]Gallowglass[/re]: “My co-workers tell me that OR/WA is where Ozark and Appalachian hillbillies went on the Oregon Trail.”

    Yep. Actually the ones who settled locally are just the pussies who couldn’t make it all the way to Alaska.

  68. mr. wunnerful

    “glenn beck, glenn beck, give me your lips to die on…i promise not to cum in your mouth……glenn beck, glenn beck,……..your show is the shits….its all wrong……i ain’t really queer, but if he ever got near, stephen tyler would pay to see…….pay to seeeeeeeee………”Punkys Whips” by Frank Zappa…..thankyou, frank.

  69. CaliforniaMike

    I don’t have any problem with Beck’s politics — we’re always going to have wingnuts among us — but if someone could figure out a way to at least have him exiled for being ugly, stupid and boring, I’d be with you.

  70. Hooray For Anything

    [re=286937]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: The crack head around the corner from my old apartment?

  71. ThePerfesser

    Out of power
    Out of work
    Out of ideas
    And increasingly out of their minds.

    True since 1/20/09.

  72. 1ofUS

    [re=286910]102415[/re]: I think you’re right, my bad:
    HAMM:
    We’re not beginning to… to… mean something?
    CLOV:
    Mean something! You and I, mean something!
    (Brief laugh.)
    Ah that’s a good one!
    HAMM:
    I wonder.
    (Pause.)
    Imagine if a rational being came back to earth, wouldn’t he be liable to get ideas into his
    head if he observed us long enough.
    (Voice of rational being.)
    Ah, good, now I see what it is, yes, now I understand what they’re at!

  73. Bruno

    [re=286937]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “Rush => OReilly => Beck => ?????”

    where

    ????? = Trig(?)

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