he is no lord nelson i will tell you that

Why Hasn’t Obama Solved Piracy?

Do or do not do. There is no ARRRRRR.This American president, he has fleets of destroyers and an army of fearsome AT-AT walkers at his disposal and still he cannot contend with a very organized band of Africans trolling the waters off the Somalian coast. What gives, Obama? Why do you love pirates so much?

It’s an important question, and one that deserves further examination! Here are a few fun facts:

  1. Piracy has completely ruined trade around the Suez Canal, because ships don’t want to pay a huge assload of money to get through the canal only to have all their shit stolen by pirates on the other side.
  2. As far as we can tell, the Gulf of Aden is just a pit of misery; for proof, see point 1) and also Cutting for Stone, a novel in which a young Indian nun has such a horrible experience in Aden she flees for Ethiopia and (don’t worry, not a spoiler!) later dies giving birth to twins, which is rather a slutty thing for a nun to do, but the point is Aden was just a pestilent awful den full of criminals that basically ruined her life. Read the book, it is good, and full of gory surgical scenes!
  3. Pirates went out of fashion in 2004, so why Obama — who normally has a good nose for a trend — would not nip this problem in the bud is anyone’s guess.
  4. Once again, this proves that the one way to make the formidable US military look like a pack of assholes is to attack with some laughably crude equipment (here, a wee lifeboat) that they really cannot bomb without looking like even bigger assholes.
  5. “Arrrr” is the sound a pirate makes. “Arrgh” is the sound normal people make when they are exasperated.

Anyhow, here is a video of some dude who cannot quite believe that President Obama has not fixed the whole pirate problem yet.

Thanks to TJ Beck for suggesting this very important post topic and title and video link. TJ Beck basically wrote this whole thing, is the point.

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith
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75 comments

  1. Doglessliberal

    They noted on the radio this a.m. that the current area of water in question is 4 times the size of Texas, so not really sure how one patrols that to prevent pirates. You sort of sail around a bit and hope you run into someone suspicious to apprehend. Or wait until they take over boats. Then go try to “negotiate” with them. (good luck with that, FBI) Or, we could just invade and take over Somalia, right? Bring them peace and democracy and rainbows and unicorns and abundant food and econimic equality so no one needs to take over ships. Just like we did in Iraq.

  2. Scandinavian Fetus

    Yes, getting rid of pirates is all about making the flow of commerce more smooth. Forget the human toll.

    Who was this socialismimg videotape freak? It looked as though he filmed this from his grandparents’ basement.

    I liked his distinction with “music pirates.”

    I am swiftly off to live with the Houyhnhnms.

  3. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=286222]Doglessliberal[/re]: “Or, we could just invade and take over Somalia, right?”

    Didn’t George Sr. & Clinton try that? For a bunch a brown natives with just sticks & stones (oh & machine guns), they did a pretty good job of kicking our ass. (And, yes, I know it’s a longer, more complicated story than that…)

  4. Joehoya

    Ahhh, the Port of Aden. You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy in all the galaxy.

  5. TJBeck

    BTW, I submitted this not just because it’s some crazy guy talking about how Obama pals around with pirates, but because CNN has elevated this guy’s video onto the front page – http://www.cnn.com, and sprinkled it into every single article on the pirate hostage situation.

    In other news, it seems Sara K. Smith and I are the only people (besides pirates) actually working today. Which means I’m silently protesting by not working, and reading about pirates. I plan to spend the rest of the weekend piously celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ by drinking heavily and playing Worms at a friend’s house on xbox live.

  6. Doglessliberal

    [re=286227]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: yeah, I was sort of alluding to that in a lame attempt at humor.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    If they’re not crying over socialism, they’re crying over entrepreneurialism. Why don’t these jackasses make up their minds?

  8. NegativeZero

    Obama just knows letting the number of pirates increase is a surefire way to combat global warming.

  9. ChernobylSoup

    Folks, you’re all missing the point. Obama IS a pirate! He’s from Somalia, remember? They installed him here so he would weaken the US Navy by canceled the F-22 come 2012. And missle defense! If he hadn’t already dismantled our missle shield this wouldn’t be happening.

  10. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=286232]Doglessliberal[/re]: Sorry, sometimes I take things too literally…you were very humorous. Better?

  11. sevenrepeat

    because he’s too busy monitoring the butt pirates in america who are legalizing gay marriage. who has time to monitor pirates overseas when the pirates in the states are trying to destroy the christian morals of the united states.

  12. MarSF

    You would be stunned to see the pages of discussion about this over at The Corner. Of course they only give a shit when it is an American crew. And of course they assume Obama is “sympathetic” because these pirates are “Robin Hood” types.

  13. MissyLissa

    From my reading on the subject of pirates their is only one way to stop them.

    Rich women with magnolia white skin and heaving bosoms who, at first is scared of the pirate captain, but eventually they fall in love with the Pirate giving up the life of the seas.

    Of course according to the pictures in these books on the subject the guys all look like Brad Pitt. I’m not sure if this works with brown pirates.

  14. Doglessliberal

    [re=286239]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: awww, you don’t need to lie to me to make me feel better. But thanks.

  15. Doglessliberal

    [re=286245]MissyLissa[/re]: I don’t know, heaving bosoms might be a cross-cultural/racial panacea. If the pirates are straight.

  16. Giant Robot

    Ha ha ha! Pirates are pussies! Why I’ve seen a village of indigenous Columbian grade school kids double their coca yield while their mamacita mothers double charged illiterate DEA agents for watered down cerveza and microwaved pizza rolls. Quechua coca farmers are just paying African pirates to humiliate us for a few weeks so they can relax and enjoy the holy week parties.

  17. queeraselvis v 2.0

    The answer is obvious: send Gay Pirate Johnny Depp to Somalia, wherein he will buttsecks them all to oblivion, and beyond. Also.

  18. AfghanVet

    Oh…you cannot get the flavor of righteous stupidity until you visit here:

    http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/2009/04/10/thomas_cal_pirates_obama/

    Summary: “Why can’t we just (snipe them with SEALs, shoot a missile, take them down with SEALs, etc)

    Of course none of them have any answer for what to do when they start scuttling ships with Millions of dollars worth of items and oil and start killing the other 200+ hostages they have.

    One person did suggest having the Fox News Armchair Army send them some tea bags.

  19. AngryBlakGuy

    …geez, Barack Obama is a failure! How hard is it to catch Jack Sparrow? That squid face guy did it only in 2 movies!!!

  20. Lazy Media

    People are So Dum about the scope of our military power. One of the most powerful navies? Try THE most powerful Navy, more powerful than all the other navies in the world combined, and then some. You know how many other real, live, nuclear aircraft carriers there are in the world (not counting wee jumpjet carriers, which can basically defend their own task forces and not much else)? One. The Frogs own it. And the Russians have a sort-of aircraft carrier/cruiser thing that has only 12 fighter planes aboard (as opposed to 60+ on ours). We have 12 nuke carriers, and the auxiliary ships to go with them. Plus, the world’s only full-scale amphibious capability with its own built-in air support. Plus, the best and most numerous operational sub force (most of the Russians’ old nuke sub fleet is rusting at the pier). Plus, about 50 million times as much operational experience as everyone else put together.

    Despite this, the Navy is no more able to unilaterally end piracy in our time than the Army would be able to stop drug smuggling across the Mexican border. You don’t use a laser-guided bomb to swat flies. That’s an international police mission, not a naval one.

  21. Bruno

    [re=286222]Doglessliberal[/re]: You’re right. Let’s invade. I heard Osama bin Obama used to live in Afrika or somethin. 911 Nevur fOrGEt!!11!

  22. ManchuCandidate

    Might be because the Somalis have no choice but to pirate as western/Asian fishermen types are poaching fish that Somali fishermen depend on. The more brazenly greedy/desperate might be upset at the loss of their food/way of life so they pick up a bunch of AK-47s and RPG-7s and start capturing Western ships because that is what they feel they got left.

    Maybe if Somali weren’t a Libertarian paradise then maybe they’d have a Navy to keep the poaching westerner/Asian fishertypes away.

    But these problems are never really OUR fault is it?

  23. MahFL

    Kill a few dozen pirates, and some innocent sailers, and hey presto the pirates think “sod this for a lark, I am retireing back to my farm”.
    end of piracy….mostly.

  24. ManchuCandidate

    [re=286273]Bruno[/re]:
    Yeah, real cost effective.

    Support required:
    2 KC-135 tankers for support
    1 AWACS EC-135 for target acqusition
    1 EP-3 Orion Snooper for radio interception
    + Crews (10 tanker crew + 13 AWACS crew + 11 EP-3 Crew)
    + boatload of avgas

    Weapons required:
    4 $200K JDAM bombs

    USAF justification for existence– Priceless

  25. Biscuit

    I know this is crazy, but why not just put security guards on these ships? It would probably only take one gun to scare off some pirates. And then nobody gets bombed.

  26. WIDTAP

    Solution: Public execution of Johnny Depp. That will put Geoffrey Rush and Orlando Bloom on notice but good.

  27. DC Hates Me

    Somalia is a gun-owners paradise. I say we bombard them with NRA literature about responsible gun usage.

  28. zenferret

    [re=286241]Mustang[/re]: Why am I imagining Billy Bush on Access Hollywood interviewing George Clinton and chuckling about past presidents?

  29. TeddyS

    I detect the evil sword of Douglas Fairbanks Junior in this piracy crisis. It is a glorious thing to be the Pirate King. With Geena Davis as the Pirate Queen. Maybe vice-versa.

    The important thing is to give the Pentagon billions of more dollars to get a fleet of anti-piracy killer patrol craft with new F-22s to provide air cover and the army can finally get Sgt. Bilko’s flying tank and the pirate boat defense shield project will be up and running in only two decades. We’re Number One, or something.

    Obama Socialist Epic Fail.

  30. thebaker

    [re=286266]Lazy Media[/re]: the frogs have cold recaptured a yacht and killed two pirates (cnn)

  31. proudgrampa

    [re=286246]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I think I’ve seen God, and his name is TJBeck…

  32. user-of-owls

    [re=286314]thebaker[/re]: CNN is also polling its readers on vital issues of the day: Should the Pet Shop Boys follow PETA’s suggestion and become the Rescue Shelter Boys?

  33. Crank Tango

    I don’t know about the rest of you but my threat list goes like this:

    Butt Pirates
    Somali Pirates
    Johnny Depp
    Music Pirates

    A storm is coming people. It’s going to come all over your faces if you don’t teabag it first. And even then, it still prolly will come all over your face anyway.

  34. TJBeck

    [re=286324]user-of-owls[/re]: I am one of the proud 8% who voted ‘yes’, because I always vote for the poll response I think is losing. Of course,[re=286316]as god[/re], my vote should count for more. Like, double or something.

  35. Guppy06

    Why haven’t we solved this problem yet? Because it ain’t our problem.

    1.) Have you looked at the US merchant fleet in the past few decades or so? This is probably the first US-flagged ship that passed through the area in the past decade or so that didn’t have a 5 in gun on the deck. US registrations are expensive, US crews are expensive, everything’s been outsourced to the Philippines, except for the parts where Congress insists on them, such as carrying US gubmint food aide to Somalia.

    2.) At last count, there are five oceans on this planet, and we only have shores on three of ‘em. We buy cars and trinkets from Japan and China (Pacific) and oil from Mexico and Venezuela (Atlantic), there’s really not much we care about in the Indian Ocean, which is why we didn’t have anything to warn against tsunamis back in ’04. Surely there’s some country with a large economy and modern military in the Indian Ocean to handle this! Or, since it’s mostly the EU that’s doing business through the Suez Canal, maybe the UK and the French can send their navies to police the area, or are they still bitter about not owning the canal any more?

  36. AfghanVet

    [re=286286]MahFL[/re]: AFTER the kill the other 200+ hostages and scuttle the 20 or so ships they have. But…you have to crack a few eggs…no?

  37. 2druk2phluq

    “Keel haul you I will, young Obama. Let the force flow through you. The force in everything is.”

  38. AfghanVet

    [re=286334]Guppy06[/re]: Oh, by the way…I think this is a set up. I too found it oddly suspicious that a US flagged and crewed ship (a rarity to begin with on any ocean)…not following routes patrolled by US Navy ships? I smelled a rat right after the story broke. Then they took the ship back? Come on. This was done to force the issue and get us directly involved.

    Call me paranoid, just don’t call me unobservant.

  39. AfghanVet

    [re=286334]Guppy06[/re]: Oh, and the UK already took one “set” of Pirates down and had to basically let them go because no one knows how to legally handle them.

  40. Red Zeppelin

    I thought this was going to be an opportunity for Wonkette to bravely strike a blow for free speech and show some screenshots of “Pirates” (pref. buttsecks).

  41. randomsausage

    Hopefully Somalia has taverns filled with busty wenches serving flagons of ale etc. If not, these are fake pirates

  42. Gallowglass

    [re=286344]AfghanVet[/re]: The Royal Navy doesn’t know how to handle pirates anymore? Lord Nelson must be spinning in his grave. Do missile cruisers not have planks anymore?

  43. TGY

    We must always have pirates, at least for Gilbert and Sullivan and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    In the situation under consideration, we can always puncture their raft or poke them with frogmen from underneath. Don’t we still have frogmen? Maybe they call them lizardmen or Navy SEALS or something. Anyway, they can poke pirate buttock from underneath, anally annoying them until they flounce off for home.

    But we don’t want to look, you know, silly.

  44. AfghanVet

    [re=286372]Guppy06[/re]: In all honesty, I think this was a covert operation set up a while ago. I don’t think it’s anything sinister, but I think it was about creating the appropriate situation for us to become directly involved. I mean, c’mon…an American crewed ship carrying humanitarian relief supplies just happens to get hijacked and then is retaken almost immediately?

    I could be just reading to much into it, but it just smells fishy to me. What…did we just happen to have a couple of FBI agents nearby to conduct negotiations?

  45. lampadadog

    [re=286230]TJBeck[/re]: CNN also has a front page link to a video questioning the acceptability of Obama bowing to the Saudi King. If anyone here works at CNN, can you please add another link on that page to the Wonkette article on this? Showing that the appropriate protocol would actually be to kiss, caress, and hold hands with him? Because Obama is looking kind of stiff and formal with that bow.

  46. Scandinavian Fetus

    [re=286360]randomsausage[/re]: Thank you. Flagon is a new vocab word for me. While I have heard it used 0 times in 40 years, I do expect to hear it 0 times in the next 40.

    Nonetheless, it is a cool word that I will begin using….when I open my bottle of Thunderbird wine and pour it into my flagon (I am a quick study.)

  47. Guppy06

    [re=286390]AfghanVet[/re]: IIRC, the FBI is talking to/through the Navy via satellite, so it’s not like they’re on-site. And I don’t really see any benefit to anybody stateside in getting the USN involved. It’s more fun for moneyed interests to stir up a war against state actors, ones we can justify the expense of buying more fancy jets and tanks to use against, rather than just more policing/peacekeeping missions that don’t require much more than boots and rifles. In other words, the people stateside that would want to do something like this would rather convince people that DPRK really did successfully launch a satellite.

    On the other hand, I could see some European actor (especially Mediterranean powers like France, Italy and Spain) working to find some way to get us gun-lovers involved in all this because it’s cheaper/easier to stir up our hornet’s nest than to clean up their own messes, where they’d have to convince their unwashed hippie populaces to increase defense spending if this doesn’t work. Think of it as the Lusitania but on a smaller scale.

    [re=286405]Deepthroat[/re]: Ehhh… There may be questionable/illegal fishing/dumping going on off the Somali costs, but it seems the pirates are seizing shipping traffic that’s simply passing through. Seizing a European fishing trawler, aside from feeding a lot of people for several months, would be rather embarrassing for its owners (and command a higher ransom). Besides, the rank-and-file pirates on the zodiacs may be poor, desperate fishermen, but the higher-ups that coordinate them probably live like kings off the ransoms and probably aren’t too concerned with equitably sharing the wealth with their underlings, let alone the masses.

  48. Guppy06

    [re=286405]Deepthroat[/re]: Besides, radioactive waste? “In our post-9/11 world,” nobody would be too concerned with a ship passing through the Suez that makes the Geiger counters go crazy?

  49. randomsausage

    [re=286596]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: +1 on Thunderbird. I’m a Buckfast man myself (being Scottish). +2 if you can Google that and still want to partake!

  50. hobospacejunkie

    [re=286309]jokahmon[/re]: Why does that annoying fuckbag Johann Hari always tilt his douchey little head to one side in photographs. That alone makes me want to dismiss anything he/she/it has to say. Leave the pretension at the door, J-person, and just fucking report already. Jesus.

  51. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=286316]proudgrampa[/re]: Our TJBeck that art in TJBeck, hallow be thy TJBeck. Thy TJBeck come, thy TJBeck be done, on TJBeck as it is in TJBeck. Give us this TJBeck our TJBeck, and TJBeck us our TJBeck, as we TJBeck those that TJBeck against TJBeck…..

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