By the Comics Curmudgeon

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THOSE GAY LIBERALS DONE NOW? They have taken Iowa, possibly our least gay state, and gayed it all up, with the gay marrying, and … such! One sign of the state’s previous extreme heterosexuality was Grant Wood’s famous painting, American Gothic! Boy, that sure is a symbol of traditional middle American values that everyone can easily recognize! But what if some puckish artist — or a series of puckish artists — were to make it … gayer?

Clicking on each cartoon will make it larger! But it will contain the same amount of gayitude.

Check out this sassy pair! Why, it’s lovable M*A*S*H character Col. Sherman Potter, smiling a sassy little gay smile! Who knew that all that time he was cracking wise about the Koreans, he was really thinking sexy thoughts about Alan Alda? Anyway, he clearly just got married to his new gay husband, who expresses his fabulousness with his bushy little mustache. Look at the two of them, just standing there … smirking smugly … eyebrows arched just so. These wry, understated fellows are a threat to our very way of life.

This guy, though … this guy doesn’t look so excited, does he? Dude on the right, I mean. Dude on the left is all like, “Huzzah! We can totally get married now, Clem! And I won’t have to pay taxes on this simple Iowa farmhouse when you die before me, which you inevitably will, because you look to be about forty years older than I am!” But Clem, he’s got some second thoughts. He’s thinking, “Wait, so this is it? I’m gonna be married to this guy for the rest of my life? Because … I mean, he’s not really all that special. Sure, he’s younger, I guess that’s nice, but, I mean, what’s the deal with that shirt? No color, just kind of shapeless … SNOOZE! Don’t I deserve someone more exciting? Or is that just a myth? Should I just be happy with what I’ve got?” These are the new terrible choices that the Iowa Supreme Court is forcing on innocent gays. Shame!

And even the uber-tolerant liberal types have their limits! For instance, ought a fella to have the right to marry another fella? Why, sure, it just stands to reason — don’t see how that’s anybody’s business. But should pundit and Slate founder Michael Kinsley have the right to re-animate the corpse of former President Gerald Ford through dark magic of some sort, and then marry it? We say no! I mean, just look at poor undead-Ford, the poor goggle-eyed bastard. Does he have any idea what’s happening? There are all sorts of ethical conundrums surrounding the question of whether a zombie can truly give informed consent. Plus, Betty’s still alive and might want some say in the matter! No, America is simply not ready to open the can of worms that is online media pioneer/shambling, ghastly parody of presidential life marriage.

The question of what to do with Iowans who sincerely and respectfully disagree with same-sex marriage is much simpler, however: they should be rounded up and put into internment camps, like the one depicted here. Hey, I hear they have a lot of open space!

“D. BARSTOW” UPDATE! You might remember last week when I expressed my growing affection for Donna Barstow, the cartoonist behind such gems as “Cruising for ‘toxic assets'” and “Hot stem cell on stem cell action” and “Rick Wagoner should be killed, with poison.” Well, as she rightfully pointed out, I was remiss in doing some linking! So enjoy her site and her other site and her subsite on Slate, where many joys await you, such as “Wear this crudely fashioned America Ferrera wig and bend over or I will shiv you.”

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  1. Arkansas addressed this very issue by simply changing the constitution last year so that the gays cannot provide foster care to homeless children. Problem SOLVED. You see, if you don’t let ’em recruit them when they’re kids, nobody will ever, ever grow up to be gay again.

  2. Maybe I’m just an ignorant city boy, but leaning on a barbwire fence doesn’t look all that comfortable or conducive to reflection — even without the barbs.

  3. I think Sherman Potter’s boyfriend there is Robert Goulet, if I’m not mistaken. He doesn’t quite sing as pretty as Mildred, but he has nicer legs.

  4. hahaha!! i like the cartoon with the two gays and the pitchfork. you know, it’s so original and i don’t think anyone else would copy it….over and over again in different publications.

  5. How about an American Gothic with two hot lesbians in Daisy Dukes? Where’s the diversity?

    btw, I’m proud to say I’m from Iowa. I’m glad to actually BE quite far away from Iowa, but I’m proud to be from there.

  6. [re=286258]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Whatever, librul. Go back to your green tea latte with your gay marijuana and let real ‘murkans impale themselves, bit by bit, like the good Lord intended.

  7. Au contraire! I bet Grant Wood would be dancing in his grave. That painting is a about as caustic a rebuke of small-mindedness and sexual repression as I’ve ever seen.

    Alas, Thomas “Caution, Filling May Be Hot” Kinkade just doesn’t lend himself as easily to facile cartoons.

  8. [re=286277]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I’d love to get my hands on some gay marijuana. Those seeds are just plain annoying. Or so I’ve heard.

  9. [re=286288]Serolf Divad[/re]: if the republitard minions realize gay marriage includes lesbians, not just dudes, then they shall rise against their lesbian love hating masters!

  10. [re=286288]Serolf Divad[/re]: Maybe because lesbians are not threatening real American buttholes? When people make videos about dark storm clouds gathering, they never seem to be worried that Portia and Ellen might attempt to fist them or whatever.

  11. So, the right is upset that gay marriage is usurping incest? Because American Gothic is thought to depict a father and daughter, not husband and wife.

    And this little chestnut…’Wood received a backlash when the image finally appeared in the Cedar Rapids Gazette. Iowans were furious at their depiction as “pinched, grim-faced, puritanical Bible-thumpers”. One farmwife threatened to bite Wood’s ear off.’

    Today we are all Iowegians. Also. Too.

  12. The D. Barstow links were painful and revealing. I was shocked the New Yorker printed any of her crap. Then I realized the unfunny ones have to come from somewhere. They can’t all be Roz Chast!

  13. Far be it from me to lecture our great American cartoonists on the history of art, but what the heck. The couple in the original “American Gothic” were BROTHER AND SISTER. This, of course, opens up a whole hellish universe of Santorumesque scenarios that do not even require substituting a man for the woman. Although a dog with a pitchfork sounds pretty sexy to me.

  14. [re=286323]Serolf Divad[/re]: Exactly. Do not enter lesbian bars expecting to find Portia….even with the lights down; most look more like Steve Buscemi.

  15. [re=286323]Serolf Divad[/re]: Reminds me of the time my uncle was about to introduce me to George Brett (whom I had a seriously mad crush on at the time). After overhearing George ask him, “Does she have big tits?” I abruptly lost myself in the crowd.

  16. Am I the only one who’s getting a GoogleAd link for that horrible “A Storm is Coming” thing…as I read witty reparte about teh gays in Iowa? Anybody else?


  17. [re=286311]jodyleek[/re]: [re=286315]Crankenstank[/re]: Okay you art history majors, which is it? Father and daughter or brother and sister? This is important.

  18. [re=286342]Come here a minute[/re]: [face palm] Christ – that possibility never even occurred to me! I’ll shall be spending the rest of eternity kicking my sorry ass.

  19. [re=286340]ChernobylSoup[/re]: I Wiki’d and it is not really clear. It’s a good read though. I suppose like a lot of great art – it represents what you want it to represent.

  20. [re=286340]ChernobylSoup[/re]: She’s his daughter-[slap]-sister-[slap]-daughter-[slap]-sister…

    [re=286263]Sussemilch[/re]: Keith Olbermann with a ‘stache?

  21. Donna Barstow, as lovely as the town she is named after! I love how on her site she has multiple paragraph explanations of her comics. It’s like my middle aged aunt became a professional cartoonist. In other words: I like this Donna Barstow.

  22. [re=286448]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: That’s because I have a male psyche housed inside a female body.

    I still can’t believe tit implants never occured to me. Fuck.

  23. [re=286311]jodyleek[/re]: That last cartoon does not depict Iowegian farmers, but Nebraskans discussing their pinko-commie ways.

    I really want to thank the Curmudgeon for paying homage to one of my favorite songs, about John Brown. Who knew anyone else even knew that song, much less made reference to it? I sing it to my kids regularly, because they need to know phrases like “a-mouldering” in order to have the proper edge in this economy.

  24. There does not seem to be any actual answer regarding who the people in the painting are supposed to be. The model’s were the artist’s sister and his dentist. According to wiki, Wood was most interested in the house and imagining what sort of people would live in it. So yeah, it’s the usual it means what you want it to mean art-bull.

  25. Since you seem to be so “connected” (is that the right word?) with Donna Barstow, WFT does “eggs with a bonus” mean from her recent cartoon? I am unfamiliar with this phrase, so I googled it. I couldn’t find anything with that specific wording, but I did find this:

    I have not seen very much of her work, but what I have seen makes me feel as if her insight into the world is so beyond my grasp that I should grab a tub of Phish Food, pull the covers over my head, and obsess about the pointlessness of my existence.

    Oh please, please explain the egg thing to me! Is she making some über intellectual observation correlating scatology, theology, and bunnies that my tiny brain cannot comprehend? I beg you to answer me ASAP! I need to get out of bed and go to the store, but I am afraid.

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