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By the Comics Curmudgeon

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THOSE GAY LIBERALS DONE NOW? They have taken Iowa, possibly our least gay state, and gayed it all up, with the gay marrying, and … such! One sign of the state’s previous extreme heterosexuality was Grant Wood’s famous painting, American Gothic! Boy, that sure is a symbol of traditional middle American values that everyone can easily recognize! But what if some puckish artist — or a series of puckish artists — were to make it … gayer?

Clicking on each cartoon will make it larger! But it will contain the same amount of gayitude.

Check out this sassy pair! Why, it’s lovable M*A*S*H character Col. Sherman Potter, smiling a sassy little gay smile! Who knew that all that time he was cracking wise about the Koreans, he was really thinking sexy thoughts about Alan Alda? Anyway, he clearly just got married to his new gay husband, who expresses his fabulousness with his bushy little mustache. Look at the two of them, just standing there … smirking smugly … eyebrows arched just so. These wry, understated fellows are a threat to our very way of life.

This guy, though … this guy doesn’t look so excited, does he? Dude on the right, I mean. Dude on the left is all like, “Huzzah! We can totally get married now, Clem! And I won’t have to pay taxes on this simple Iowa farmhouse when you die before me, which you inevitably will, because you look to be about forty years older than I am!” But Clem, he’s got some second thoughts. He’s thinking, “Wait, so this is it? I’m gonna be married to this guy for the rest of my life? Because … I mean, he’s not really all that special. Sure, he’s younger, I guess that’s nice, but, I mean, what’s the deal with that shirt? No color, just kind of shapeless … SNOOZE! Don’t I deserve someone more exciting? Or is that just a myth? Should I just be happy with what I’ve got?” These are the new terrible choices that the Iowa Supreme Court is forcing on innocent gays. Shame!

And even the uber-tolerant liberal types have their limits! For instance, ought a fella to have the right to marry another fella? Why, sure, it just stands to reason — don’t see how that’s anybody’s business. But should pundit and Slate founder Michael Kinsley have the right to re-animate the corpse of former President Gerald Ford through dark magic of some sort, and then marry it? We say no! I mean, just look at poor undead-Ford, the poor goggle-eyed bastard. Does he have any idea what’s happening? There are all sorts of ethical conundrums surrounding the question of whether a zombie can truly give informed consent. Plus, Betty’s still alive and might want some say in the matter! No, America is simply not ready to open the can of worms that is online media pioneer/shambling, ghastly parody of presidential life marriage.

The question of what to do with Iowans who sincerely and respectfully disagree with same-sex marriage is much simpler, however: they should be rounded up and put into internment camps, like the one depicted here. Hey, I hear they have a lot of open space!

“D. BARSTOW” UPDATE! You might remember last week when I expressed my growing affection for Donna Barstow, the cartoonist behind such gems as “Cruising for ‘toxic assets'” and “Hot stem cell on stem cell action” and “Rick Wagoner should be killed, with poison.” Well, as she rightfully pointed out, I was remiss in doing some linking! So enjoy her site and her other site and her subsite on Slate, where many joys await you, such as “Wear this crudely fashioned America Ferrera wig and bend over or I will shiv you.”

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