THURSDAY BUKKAKE HOUR  2:02 pm April 9, 2009

Oregon Legislators Disgusted With Their Own Bill

by Jim Newell

EWWWWWWWWWW Oregon state legislators are filthy! All they talk about is blood and poop and semen. They wrote a bill about this stuff because they are gross. (Also, to protect Women.) Basically it says that before you give the nice lady a Cleveland Steamer, make sure she consents.

Here is the summary (their bold):

Modifies crime of sexual abuse in second degree to include intentionally propelling dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire.

Dangerous substance… like acid, or poison, or Power-ade?

(3) As used in this section, “dangerous substance” means blood, urine, semen or feces.

Such prudes in Oregon.

H.B. 2478 [Oregon House]
House passed bill too gross to talk about [Oregonian]

 
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{ 91 comments }

InsidiousTuna April 9, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Before I poop on a nice young lady, I make sure to have her fill out a consent form. It’s just common courtesy.

Gopherit April 9, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Yeah! Vomit’s not there! Oh, ladies of Oregon?

shortsshortsshorts April 9, 2009 at 2:09 pm

When I piss and shit all over my girlfriend she gets all SECKSIFIED. I know it’s wrong, but who isn’t turned on by a little blood, piss and shit?

Also, if you load your woman with Tequila, she will make out with pretty much anyone. THE MORE YOU KNOW.

masterdebater April 9, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Good news for Oregon…it’s still OK to spit.

ManchuCandidate April 9, 2009 at 2:11 pm

So shooting Ping Pong balls out of your orifices is still legal?

OReillysVibrator April 9, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Even if I put the feces in a hot dog bun?

DoctorCulturae April 9, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Uptight white pilgrims every one. Eat the boot petty lumberjacks.

TGY April 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=285271]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I thought that was the Oregonian state sport.

Crapola April 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm

I bit my wrist so I can die…Look at the blood!!! *splat!* Got ya!

SayItWithWookies April 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm

So suicide bombers would be guilty of a sex crime in Oregon. That could have some entertaining theological implications.

InsidiousTuna April 9, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Some of the comments at the Oregonian are upper-level snark worthy of this site. Be sure to check them out.

Rush April 9, 2009 at 2:13 pm

“Modifies crime of sexual abuse in second degree to include intentionally propelling dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire.”

Like throwing your shoes at someone???

snideinplainsight April 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Yes, but what of the glorious Buffalo Wishbone? (Obey.)

snideinplainsight April 9, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Also, I feel like this is the most appropriate thread so far today in which to mention David Broder. Don’t know why.

Sussemilch April 9, 2009 at 2:16 pm

The Spit-In-Your-Face lobby got the loophole they wanted it seems.

BillyClubb April 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm

I got the impression during the short time I lived in Portland that Oregonians were pretty open minded. So I do not understand all the kerfluffle over “…intentionally propelling [a] dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire”. Besides, this just sounds like a perfect evening for David Vitter.

Country Club Jihadi April 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Thankfully, you can still wipe a booger on a bitch.

S.Luggo April 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm

“intentionally propelling dangerous substance AT another person”.
The keyword is “at”, as opposed to “in front of”, “adjacent to” or “skyward in the vicinity of”.
There’s always a loophole.

Styrofoam Boots April 9, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Isn’t the beauty of facials the surprise factor? And what, now I gotta ask to cum in her mouf?!

user-of-owls April 9, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Salem, OR (Reuters)

School board officials will hold an emergency meeting tonight to discuss possible action against 3rd grade teacher Harriet Gerber who thought it would be a “good civics lesson” to bring her students to the state capitol during testimony on H.B. 2478.

Come here a minute April 9, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Damn, but I love the look of surprise when I whip out the flamethrower dildo!

JadedDIssonance April 9, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Bacolube will definitely help you propel your dangerous substances without the smelly side-effects.

gjdodger April 9, 2009 at 2:21 pm

It may be a golden shower to you…but it’s an AGENT OF DEATH to Ted Kulongoski!

Red Zeppelin April 9, 2009 at 2:21 pm

If they outlaw bukkake, only outlaws will have bukkake!

Accordion-o-rama April 9, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Oregonians are evidently terrified of the Carville/Begala tag team.

Dave J. April 9, 2009 at 2:22 pm

“Rep. Peter North (D-Portland) was the sole member of the Assembly to vote against the measure.”

PeteJayhawk v2.0 April 9, 2009 at 2:24 pm

SKEET! SKEET!

Colander April 9, 2009 at 2:24 pm

I was just about to throw a handful of bloody ejaculate at roommate, so this news is quite timely.

Gopherit April 9, 2009 at 2:24 pm

[re=285298]JadedDIssonance[/re]: YOu can’t truly get porked without Bacolube.

Rary Guppert April 9, 2009 at 2:24 pm

looks like they forgot about snotums. which is sweet! i’m gonna go to oregon right now and spend the rest of the week sneezing all over foxy babes for kicks.

Styrofoam Boots April 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm

[re=285267]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: WIN. Doubleyou. Eye. En. Win.

El Pinche April 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm

In some circles, Tea=semen + poo + piss + blood mixture.

Example:
After sex, Travis Buck soaked up the tea with his ShamWow and then cried softly.

Styrofoam Boots April 9, 2009 at 2:26 pm

[re=285273]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Pssh! Are you joking?! Everyone knows the hot dog bun is where your cock goes.

Hart88 April 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Someone in the OR legislature has been watching Japanese porn, I see.

freakishlystrong April 9, 2009 at 2:31 pm

I’d like to meet the guy that has the capacity to actually propel seman…

JadedDIssonance April 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=285308]Gopherit[/re]: Unfortunately, this new law will have a deleterious effect on my new flying flaming poo business.

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=285312]El Pinche[/re]: Fuck, that had me laughing so hard I had to run over to my boyfriend to ask if I could pee on him!!

magic titty April 9, 2009 at 2:33 pm

[re=285303]Dave J.[/re]: WIN.

InsidiousTuna April 9, 2009 at 2:34 pm

From the Oregonian article linked in the post:

Posted by lago7 on 04/08/09 at 10:29PM

Please note that penetration of the penis is now a crime under this statute, even if you are doing it with your own Iraqi twizzle stick. This bill is certainly sexist, if not racist. If anyone wants to protest this bill with me, please insert a small American flag in your penis and join me on Capitol Hill this weekend. Any questions give me a call: (317)695-8124

Fucking fantastic.

Dave J. April 9, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Apparently the need for this bill arose because some gang-banger threw some of his junk on a nice lady at Target as part of his initiation, which evidently means that we’ve got the most hilarious/inappropriate gangsters EVER here in Oregon.

thefrontpage April 9, 2009 at 2:35 pm

What is a Cleveland steamer, please?

Lazy Media April 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Wait, Oregon gang members have taken up seagulling? Did they learn about it from Russell Brand, or did they get it straight from British schoolboys?

magic titty April 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm

This is the perfect Wonkette post. It has politics, fecal matter, and semen, *combined*. And judging by the comments, my fellow Wonktards have not let me down.

Gasolina!!

Scarab April 9, 2009 at 2:37 pm

People, they’re joking, it’s Oregon.
The university team is named the Beavers and what do you think ‘loggers’ refers to?
Come on the whole state is a comedy skit.

ShamWow April 9, 2009 at 2:38 pm

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shit, blood, and cum on my hands….

magic titty April 9, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=285318]freakishlystrong[/re]: You would?

Chain Tattoo April 9, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Wow. Have our PUMA friends at “The Confluence” kept up with Oregon’s brave defense of women? I’m sure this is exactly the sort of legislation they think is needed to end the subjection of women and undermine the patriarchal structures that everywhere legitimize misogyny.

freakishlystrong April 9, 2009 at 2:39 pm

[re=285282]snideinplainsight[/re]: Ok, I’ll bite, I’m at work and am terrified of googling “Buffulo Wishbone”.

peorgietirebiter April 9, 2009 at 2:41 pm

“intentionally…” so if I remember to say oops I’m good to go?

shanemacgowan April 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Wasn’t Animal House filmed in Oregon? That would mean that Flounder committed a sex assault when he booted on Dean Wormer.

magic titty April 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Can Oregon be the Show Me state now?

shanemacgowan April 9, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=285318]freakishlystrong[/re]: Weren’t you ever 16?

Lascauxcaveman April 9, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=285295]user-of-owls[/re]: Oregon H.B. 2478 makes my urine’s butt hurt. (Sad face)

[re=285323]Dave J.[/re]: Oregon gangbangers, oh, where do I start?

I lived in N.E. Portland (da ‘hood) for five years, and the guys doing drive-by shootings were always getting caught because, in their incautious haste to get clear of the crime scene, they kept getting in traffic accidents immediately after the pop-pop-pop-pop part of the deal.

Alabama Parrot April 9, 2009 at 2:45 pm

What about bile? Venting of spleens?

There seem to be several precious bodily fluids that are more dangerous than a little jizzum.

arclight April 9, 2009 at 2:45 pm

How will this affect Oregon lawmakers’ masturbating-in-the-office-toilet hobbies?

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 2:45 pm

[re=285332]Scarab[/re]: Indeed, my 3-legged Bloodhound hails from Oregon. He’s jizzless, but those flibberques of his can fling piss and shit (the horse’s) quite an impressive distance.

Rush April 9, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Can we also ban muscle-mag photo’s of CarrotTop?

freakishlystrong April 9, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=285347]shanemacgowan[/re]: Not yet…

Hopey dont play that game April 9, 2009 at 2:47 pm

This is actually a covert attempt to stop the tea bagging protests. I’ve turned on the Beck-Signal to alert the great prophylactic.

JadedDIssonance April 9, 2009 at 2:51 pm

[re=285349]Alabama Parrot[/re]: I demand legislation regulating the emissions of the Humors!

I won’t stand for this neo-platonic oversight!

magic titty April 9, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Just a coincidence she was in Target?

Fivetree April 9, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Hey, it’s lunch time here on the West Coast. Did this HAVE to be posted right now?

BobLoblawLawBlog April 9, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Sounds like they could use good ol’ G.O.B. Bluth to give them the sexual harassment seminar that served his company so well…

Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office *bleep* or *bleep* -ing, or finger *bleep* or *bleep* -sting or *bleep* -esting or *bleep* eing or *bleep* or even *bleep* . Oh and if anyone tries anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll show you my *bleep* . And I’ll personally *really long bleep* .

Banzai77 April 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Ain’t nuthin dangerous about my substance. I’m clean!

Josh Fruhlinger April 9, 2009 at 3:08 pm

But it’s still legal to hurl the aforementioned substances at someone not for the purposes of arousing or gratifying sexual desire, right? Maybe I just like throwing bloody turds at people because I’m a mean bastard.

Harvey Birdman April 9, 2009 at 3:10 pm

[re=285293]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: What kind of WASPy, quiet motherfucker stealth cums?

mrpuma2u April 9, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Hey it says nothing about banning the pearl necklace. Bust out some ZZ top and jizz away!

One Yield Regular April 9, 2009 at 3:15 pm

“Honestly, zookeeper. I had no intention to arouse or gratify anyone. My god, AROUSING those people outside my cage? Are you out of your mind?? I was just throwing my feces at them out of sheer annoyance, and because, well…- where the hell’s my food, anyway?”

Accordion-o-rama April 9, 2009 at 3:15 pm

[re=285322]InsidiousTuna[/re]: … I’ll be the guy walking very slowly and carefully.

Woodwards Friend April 9, 2009 at 3:23 pm

If I throw santorum at someone without consent will I be charged with two counts as it is a frothy mix of feces and semen?

Mara47 April 9, 2009 at 3:23 pm

So, are there actually a lot of Germans in Oregon? Hmm. I didn’t know that.

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 3:28 pm

[re=285415]One Yield Regular[/re]: I now suspect that the woman who spends all her afternoons gazing longingly in front of the monkey cage, was not inspired by Jane Goodall after all.

bago April 9, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=285333]ShamWow[/re]: You’re such a tool.

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 3:58 pm

I understand that one of the bills’ co-signers was Rep. Hu Flung Poo of the third district. Don’t let congresswoman Betty Brown know about this.

Styrofoam Boots April 9, 2009 at 4:10 pm

[re=285402]Harvey Birdman[/re]: Cummon, the look on their face when they have to swallow that shit. Priceless.

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=285560]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: “they have to swallow…”
Um – you do realize we have TEETH, right? Or perhaps the toothless gals (with flat heads for setting your beer) are more to your liking?

Styrofoam Boots April 9, 2009 at 4:21 pm

Hey, I’m not choosey like, what, Vitter. It’s all about functionality. Misogyny, also.

Min April 9, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Was this actually a problem anywhere, other than the zoo?

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 4:46 pm

[re=285534]Custerwolf[/re]: make that ‘co-sponsor.’ I’m off to steal some chocolate milk now.

Leopolt April 9, 2009 at 5:35 pm

Urine a dangerous substance?!? The acidity level makes it nearly sterile. Or so my gimp tells me.

chascates April 9, 2009 at 6:00 pm

Popping a chunk when you meant to merely break wind is not intentional, correct?

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 9, 2009 at 6:27 pm

I promise whoever I next project bodily fluids on that I will neither become aroused or satisfy my sexual desires.

That should take care of everything.

PerhapsSo April 9, 2009 at 6:41 pm

[re=285340]peorgietirebiter[/re]: It says nothing about recklessly or negligently.

Bearbloke April 9, 2009 at 6:59 pm

[re=285326]thefrontpage[/re]: it is your destiny…

zhubajie April 9, 2009 at 7:34 pm

[re=285344]shanemacgowan[/re]: Set in Oxford, Ohio, at the Fiji House.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie April 9, 2009 at 7:38 pm

[re=285400]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: US politicians all deserve to have bloody turds thrown at them; it might keep them humble.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie April 9, 2009 at 7:45 pm

[re=285733]Leopolt[/re]: Yes, it can be used as an emergency antiseptic.

Zhu Bajie

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 8:13 pm

[re=285875]zhubajie[/re]: Yes, which makes it especially handy if you should accidentally cut your penis.

schvitzatura April 10, 2009 at 6:16 am

I would not have had that happen to you.

Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly…

Roger the Shrubber April 10, 2009 at 9:52 am

Typical sloppy bill drafting. It doesn’t specify whether or not these substances might still be inside the body. So now bumping into somebody can be construed as sexual abuse.

bumfug April 10, 2009 at 1:41 pm

They just want to make sure that nobody gets killed with a line of dooty.

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