thursday bukkake hour

Oregon Legislators Disgusted With Their Own Bill

EWWWWWWWWWW Oregon state legislators are filthy! All they talk about is blood and poop and semen. They wrote a bill about this stuff because they are gross. (Also, to protect Women.) Basically it says that before you give the nice lady a Cleveland Steamer, make sure she consents.

Here is the summary (their bold):

Modifies crime of sexual abuse in second degree to include intentionally propelling dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire.

Dangerous substance… like acid, or poison, or Power-ade?

(3) As used in this section, “dangerous substance” means blood, urine, semen or feces.

Such prudes in Oregon.

H.B. 2478 [Oregon House]
House passed bill too gross to talk about [Oregonian]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. InsidiousTuna

    Before I poop on a nice young lady, I make sure to have her fill out a consent form. It’s just common courtesy.

  2. shortsshortsshorts

    When I piss and shit all over my girlfriend she gets all SECKSIFIED. I know it’s wrong, but who isn’t turned on by a little blood, piss and shit?

    Also, if you load your woman with Tequila, she will make out with pretty much anyone. THE MORE YOU KNOW.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    So suicide bombers would be guilty of a sex crime in Oregon. That could have some entertaining theological implications.

  4. InsidiousTuna

    Some of the comments at the Oregonian are upper-level snark worthy of this site. Be sure to check them out.

  5. Rush

    “Modifies crime of sexual abuse in second degree to include intentionally propelling dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire.”

    Like throwing your shoes at someone???

  6. snideinplainsight

    Also, I feel like this is the most appropriate thread so far today in which to mention David Broder. Don’t know why.

  7. BillyClubb

    I got the impression during the short time I lived in Portland that Oregonians were pretty open minded. So I do not understand all the kerfluffle over “…intentionally propelling [a] dangerous substance at another person for purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire”. Besides, this just sounds like a perfect evening for David Vitter.

  8. S.Luggo

    “intentionally propelling dangerous substance AT another person”.
    The keyword is “at”, as opposed to “in front of”, “adjacent to” or “skyward in the vicinity of”.
    There’s always a loophole.

  9. Styrofoam Boots

    Isn’t the beauty of facials the surprise factor? And what, now I gotta ask to cum in her mouf?!

  10. user-of-owls

    Salem, OR (Reuters)

    School board officials will hold an emergency meeting tonight to discuss possible action against 3rd grade teacher Harriet Gerber who thought it would be a “good civics lesson” to bring her students to the state capitol during testimony on H.B. 2478.

  11. Come here a minute

    Damn, but I love the look of surprise when I whip out the flamethrower dildo!

  12. Dave J.

    “Rep. Peter North (D-Portland) was the sole member of the Assembly to vote against the measure.”

  13. Colander

    I was just about to throw a handful of bloody ejaculate at roommate, so this news is quite timely.

  14. Rary Guppert

    looks like they forgot about snotums. which is sweet! i’m gonna go to oregon right now and spend the rest of the week sneezing all over foxy babes for kicks.

  15. El Pinche

    In some circles, Tea=semen + poo + piss + blood mixture.

    After sex, Travis Buck soaked up the tea with his ShamWow and then cried softly.

  16. Styrofoam Boots

    [re=285273]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Pssh! Are you joking?! Everyone knows the hot dog bun is where your cock goes.

  17. JadedDIssonance

    [re=285308]Gopherit[/re]: Unfortunately, this new law will have a deleterious effect on my new flying flaming poo business.

  18. Custerwolf

    [re=285312]El Pinche[/re]: Fuck, that had me laughing so hard I had to run over to my boyfriend to ask if I could pee on him!!

  19. InsidiousTuna

    From the Oregonian article linked in the post:

    Posted by lago7 on 04/08/09 at 10:29PM

    Please note that penetration of the penis is now a crime under this statute, even if you are doing it with your own Iraqi twizzle stick. This bill is certainly sexist, if not racist. If anyone wants to protest this bill with me, please insert a small American flag in your penis and join me on Capitol Hill this weekend. Any questions give me a call: (317)695-8124

    Fucking fantastic.

  20. Dave J.

    Apparently the need for this bill arose because some gang-banger threw some of his junk on a nice lady at Target as part of his initiation, which evidently means that we’ve got the most hilarious/inappropriate gangsters EVER here in Oregon.

  21. Lazy Media

    Wait, Oregon gang members have taken up seagulling? Did they learn about it from Russell Brand, or did they get it straight from British schoolboys?

  22. magic titty

    This is the perfect Wonkette post. It has politics, fecal matter, and semen, *combined*. And judging by the comments, my fellow Wonktards have not let me down.


  23. Scarab

    People, they’re joking, it’s Oregon.
    The university team is named the Beavers and what do you think ‘loggers’ refers to?
    Come on the whole state is a comedy skit.

  24. ShamWow

    I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shit, blood, and cum on my hands….

  25. Chain Tattoo

    Wow. Have our PUMA friends at “The Confluence” kept up with Oregon’s brave defense of women? I’m sure this is exactly the sort of legislation they think is needed to end the subjection of women and undermine the patriarchal structures that everywhere legitimize misogyny.

  26. freakishlystrong

    [re=285282]snideinplainsight[/re]: Ok, I’ll bite, I’m at work and am terrified of googling “Buffulo Wishbone”.

  27. shanemacgowan

    Wasn’t Animal House filmed in Oregon? That would mean that Flounder committed a sex assault when he booted on Dean Wormer.

  28. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=285295]user-of-owls[/re]: Oregon H.B. 2478 makes my urine’s butt hurt. (Sad face)

    [re=285323]Dave J.[/re]: Oregon gangbangers, oh, where do I start?

    I lived in N.E. Portland (da ‘hood) for five years, and the guys doing drive-by shootings were always getting caught because, in their incautious haste to get clear of the crime scene, they kept getting in traffic accidents immediately after the pop-pop-pop-pop part of the deal.

  29. Alabama Parrot

    What about bile? Venting of spleens?

    There seem to be several precious bodily fluids that are more dangerous than a little jizzum.

  30. Custerwolf

    [re=285332]Scarab[/re]: Indeed, my 3-legged Bloodhound hails from Oregon. He’s jizzless, but those flibberques of his can fling piss and shit (the horse’s) quite an impressive distance.

  31. Hopey dont play that game

    This is actually a covert attempt to stop the tea bagging protests. I’ve turned on the Beck-Signal to alert the great prophylactic.

  32. JadedDIssonance

    [re=285349]Alabama Parrot[/re]: I demand legislation regulating the emissions of the Humors!

    I won’t stand for this neo-platonic oversight!

  33. BobLoblawLawBlog

    Sounds like they could use good ol’ G.O.B. Bluth to give them the sexual harassment seminar that served his company so well…

    Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office *bleep* or *bleep* -ing, or finger *bleep* or *bleep* -sting or *bleep* -esting or *bleep* eing or *bleep* or even *bleep* . Oh and if anyone tries anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll show you my *bleep* . And I’ll personally *really long bleep* .

  34. Josh Fruhlinger

    But it’s still legal to hurl the aforementioned substances at someone not for the purposes of arousing or gratifying sexual desire, right? Maybe I just like throwing bloody turds at people because I’m a mean bastard.

  35. Harvey Birdman

    [re=285293]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: What kind of WASPy, quiet motherfucker stealth cums?

  36. mrpuma2u

    Hey it says nothing about banning the pearl necklace. Bust out some ZZ top and jizz away!

  37. One Yield Regular

    “Honestly, zookeeper. I had no intention to arouse or gratify anyone. My god, AROUSING those people outside my cage? Are you out of your mind?? I was just throwing my feces at them out of sheer annoyance, and because, well…- where the hell’s my food, anyway?”

  38. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=285322]InsidiousTuna[/re]: … I’ll be the guy walking very slowly and carefully.

  39. Woodwards Friend

    If I throw santorum at someone without consent will I be charged with two counts as it is a frothy mix of feces and semen?

  40. Custerwolf

    [re=285415]One Yield Regular[/re]: I now suspect that the woman who spends all her afternoons gazing longingly in front of the monkey cage, was not inspired by Jane Goodall after all.

  41. Custerwolf

    I understand that one of the bills’ co-signers was Rep. Hu Flung Poo of the third district. Don’t let congresswoman Betty Brown know about this.

  42. Styrofoam Boots

    [re=285402]Harvey Birdman[/re]: Cummon, the look on their face when they have to swallow that shit. Priceless.

  43. Custerwolf

    [re=285560]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: “they have to swallow…”
    Um – you do realize we have TEETH, right? Or perhaps the toothless gals (with flat heads for setting your beer) are more to your liking?

  44. Styrofoam Boots

    Hey, I’m not choosey like, what, Vitter. It’s all about functionality. Misogyny, also.

  45. Custerwolf

    [re=285534]Custerwolf[/re]: make that ‘co-sponsor.’ I’m off to steal some chocolate milk now.

  46. Leopolt

    Urine a dangerous substance?!? The acidity level makes it nearly sterile. Or so my gimp tells me.

  47. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I promise whoever I next project bodily fluids on that I will neither become aroused or satisfy my sexual desires.

    That should take care of everything.

  48. zhubajie

    [re=285400]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: US politicians all deserve to have bloody turds thrown at them; it might keep them humble.

    Zhu Bajie

  49. Custerwolf

    [re=285875]zhubajie[/re]: Yes, which makes it especially handy if you should accidentally cut your penis.

  50. Roger the Shrubber

    Typical sloppy bill drafting. It doesn’t specify whether or not these substances might still be inside the body. So now bumping into somebody can be construed as sexual abuse.

Comments are closed.