WASILLA FAMILY VALUES  6:30 pm April 8, 2009

Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show

by Ken Layne


This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 85 comments }

comradepaulson April 8, 2009 at 6:41 pm

If this snowbilly fued ends, the terrorists (or Russians) win.

ManchuCandidate April 8, 2009 at 6:43 pm

This is the 21st Century Hatfields and McCoys ‘cept the pig is wearing lipstick.

Jukesgrrl April 8, 2009 at 6:44 pm

If he gets his “modeling or acting job” will he wise up then and GET A LAWYER? Oh, probably not. Next year he’ll be on the Early Show whining, “Dane Cook’s brother stole my monies.”

Canuckledragger April 8, 2009 at 6:44 pm

In this week’s exciting episode, Levi’s mother sells meth to Todd’s sister, who b&e’s her neighbours’ houses for the cash to buy meth, while Levi’s sister gets it on with her “fuckin’ redneck” brother, as Sarah discusses the importance of family values.

Best show since the Beverly Hillbillies.

Texan Bulldoggette April 8, 2009 at 6:44 pm

For some inexplicable reason, I can totally believe Snowbilly & her crew think their shit doesn’t stink. I’m starting to feel sorry for Levi. I mean, just because your mom sells meth, doesn’t mean you’re white trash, right?

DagNabbit April 8, 2009 at 6:45 pm

Everytime Todd Palin holds Trig, all he thinks is “I shoulda left you on that bitch’s eyelash.”

Min April 8, 2009 at 6:51 pm

[re=284484]ManchuCandidate[/re]: As a 21st century McCoy, I resent that remark. Any self-respecting mountain family would have dropped that boy like an eight-point buck.

sevenrepeat April 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm

*in my best maury povich voice* “levi johnston….you are NOT the father!!”

1ofUS April 8, 2009 at 6:53 pm

So wait…Trigg and then Tripp? Is it Linda Tripp? And what about some questions re Trigg? Like, wtf?

cranky April 8, 2009 at 6:53 pm

poor dumb kid! dragged into this shit by a psycho and too young and stupid to know when to stop. sure he’s dumb, and bristol too, but they aren’t evil yet. soon though, very soon.

stew April 8, 2009 at 6:54 pm

I don’t know but I’be been told
‘laskin pussy is mighty cold.

Scandalabra April 8, 2009 at 6:56 pm

I don’t remember what life was like before the Palins. But I think John Waters and David Lynch had the creative leverage. Now…not so sure.

grevillea April 8, 2009 at 6:58 pm

Just wondering, in US America, does having the name Levi imply Jewishness? Or is it just cause his parents were both still half in their Levis when he was conceived? Sorry, my only knowledge of Alaskan Jewish culture comes from The Yiddish Policeman’s Union or whatever that book was called.

President Beeblebrox April 8, 2009 at 6:59 pm

[re=284503]stew[/re]: I learned it as “Eskimo pussy is mighty cold” in the Army. I guess they’re more PC now…

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 7:01 pm

Check out the beginning of the interview where it has Levi captioned as Bristol’s “ex- finance.” The interview itself is even more of an abortion. And what’s with the baby? Will it obtain human features as it matures outside the womb?

Tommmcatt April 8, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=284503]stew[/re]:

And if you’re in try not to cough!
‘Cuz Brother you might break it off!

Sound Off!
One! Two!

Ken Layne April 8, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=284513]grevillea[/re]: No, for these people it simply implies, “name of them fancy jeans walmart’s don’t carry.”

Just as the sister is named for another consumer good the family could neither afford nor spell correctly …..

Links April 8, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Wait, I don’t know what happened here. Why did Palin allow her 17 year-old daughter’s boyfriend to live with them for 2 months? Did his parents die, was he homeless? Who does that and why? Somebody enlighten me please! I wish my family had more values and let boys stay over when I was in high school damn it! But, no, they were ordinary, lame, liberal parents with no values and they believed teenagers should live with their own parents. That’s why gay marriage is going to destroy all traditional marriages. Such as. I read all papers.

pat robertsons personal trainer April 8, 2009 at 7:06 pm

if only i could find a place to donate to sarahPAC….oh, wait!!!!

comradepaulson April 8, 2009 at 7:09 pm

[re=284528]Links[/re]: She let them stay together because she thought they were “practicing the abstinence.” It turns out she misheard them and they were actually “drinking the absinthe.”

chascates April 8, 2009 at 7:13 pm

Wow, I never realized until now how classy Ma & Pa Kettle were.

Hopey dont play that game April 8, 2009 at 7:15 pm

I guess “practicing” abstinence doesn’t make perfect.

Texan Bulldoggette April 8, 2009 at 7:18 pm

[re=284524]Ken Layne[/re]: Alas, Ken, WalMart now carries Levis. WalMart branded jeans are called Rustler. (Which will probably be the name of Snowbilly’s next kid.)

Scandinavian Fetus April 8, 2009 at 7:18 pm

I won’t be able to watch it. I don’t get the Special Ed. Channel.

NebraskashireGentry April 8, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Levi just agrees with the interviewer’s leading questions. he doesn’t actually say anything inflammatory. at least not on his own.

Sarah can’t be mad at Levi who, like herself, was blinded by the bright lights of the mainstream media.

stew April 8, 2009 at 7:19 pm

[re=284518]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Aren’t there Eskimos up there in ‘Laska?

The Station Manager April 8, 2009 at 7:24 pm

You wouldn’t trade him for the world? Really? Like, if some dude came up to you in some seedy alley with [i]the entire god damn world[/i] in his trench coat and said “Hey, m’man, tell you what: I’ll give you [i]the entire god damn world[/i] if you give me that little bastard you’re holding right there,” you wouldn’t hand him over?

Shit, I’d go out and steal some kid to trade with the seedy alley dude.

Links April 8, 2009 at 7:25 pm

[re=284536]comradepaulson[/re]: Thank you comrade! Maybe they were saying they were practicing the abdominis, which they were, in a fun way. Does this mean that letting the hot, horny boyfriend of your daughter sleep in the same bedroom with her for months might not be the ideal way to prevent them from having sex? Because, who could have seen that coming? Most people have sex just to procreate.

Neilist April 8, 2009 at 7:25 pm

Much as I hate to keep harping on the same theme . . .

. . . but . . .

Given the number of firearms in Alaska . . . .

. . . plus the fact that the whole Palin clan is in-bred Snowbilly trash . . .

. . . plus the fact that a certain percent of said Palin clan are cranked to the gills on meth at any given moment . . .

There is a reasonable probablity/possiblity that one day Todd, Levi, the sister-in-law or whomever will suddenly mass-murder the entire Palin family.

Just imagine how happy you would be to hear those words on Fox: “We take to the scene of the tragedy, as Emergency Responders are removing the bodies of Governor Palin . . . .”

(And you people say guns are worthless . . . .)

To the Eternal Benefit of This Great Nation.

DustBowlBlues April 8, 2009 at 7:26 pm

[re=284490]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: “just because your mom sells meth, doesn’t mean you’re white trash, right?”

Sorry, I live in rural OK so that makes me the authority on the subject. Yes, it does make him white trash. The good news is, that should cement his future as a reality teevee star eating worms or something.,

BTW–Which one is Trip? Is he the look-I-didn’t abort-this-retard baby or is that Trick. Track. Thor. Thumper. Whatever the fuck they name these kids.

StrangelyBrown April 8, 2009 at 7:26 pm

“What does Tripp mean to you?”
“Tripp? Who the fuck is Tripp? Oh, TRIPP!”

grevillea April 8, 2009 at 7:29 pm

321985[re=284524]Ken Layne[/re]: OK, gotcha. I wonder if they are related to Australia’s Mercedes, also a white trash gift that keeps on giving:

http://www.defamer.com.au/2009/01/mercedes_corby_was_paid_how_much_to_strip_off/#more-

DustBowlBlues April 8, 2009 at 7:30 pm

BTW–How fucking clueless are the Sarah pac people? One, they waste money advertising on a site frequented by gay, drunk, drug-addled (but highly alliterative) Democrats. Then, they don’t send some cash the way of this kid and his family? Plus, they can’t schedule shit.

Tomthebunny April 8, 2009 at 7:35 pm

[re=284503]stew[/re]: Or as we say up here, Ain’t no nookie like chi-nookie (Guess you have to know that the other name for a king salmon is a chinook- kind of an inside-Alaska thang.)

Links April 8, 2009 at 7:36 pm

[re=284561]Neilist[/re]: Are you kidding me? No! I want Palin to run for president in every election for the next 40 years! I want her alive and well! She can single-handedly bring down the GOP.

smellyal8r April 8, 2009 at 7:38 pm

Now, if Begich would quit so Levi Johnston could have Ted Steven’s US Senate seat, we’ve got ourselves a FOX Sunday night comedy that isn’t animated. I thought the whole thing of the Palin/Johnston families living in the Naval Observatory would be the most gripping reality show since the first season of Queer Eye. But, this. This has legs! Get Ari Emmanuel on the horn!

Uncle Glenny April 8, 2009 at 7:44 pm

[re=284563]StrangelyBrown[/re]: “What does Tripp mean to you?”

“Per-diems!”

smellyal8r April 8, 2009 at 7:45 pm

[re=284571]Links[/re]: I bet Cindy McCain is telling Walnuts, “See, I told you so…now pass me my tranquilizers”

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 7:49 pm

[re=284577]Uncle Glenny[/re]: Tripp – the result of proceeding to quickly when blinded by passion?

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 7:50 pm

[re=284569]Tomthebunny[/re]: Then you must also know about Spring break-up.

Zadig April 8, 2009 at 7:59 pm

[re=284571]Links[/re]: Seriously, every Republican that doesn’t post on Redstate probably realizes that Sarah Palin is the best thing to happen to the Democrats since… well I guess technically, Barack Obama. But don’t let that diminish Palin’s incredible accomplishments.

Gopherit April 8, 2009 at 8:07 pm

The Aristocrats!

missannethrope April 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm

Gott in Himmel! Levi is reading from the same script as every other teenage unwed daddy whose momma wants custody of the grandbaby: “He means the world to me – I don’t know what I’d do without him!” Next up Bristol will be saying “I want everyone to know how he done me!” Take it from an old domestic relations practitioner: there is nothing new under the sun.

WuzzyWoozle April 8, 2009 at 8:31 pm

Ahhh… Is it just me, or is Mercede Johnston hot, or what!

Problem is she is sitting next to her mom, and it is NOT a pretty sight!

*shudder*

Wait… is snowbilly contagious?

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2009 at 8:32 pm

I only watched half of that before I had to stop. Christ, if I want to listen to some bumpkin whine about how his girlfriend’s mom kicked him out of the house and won’t let him see their baby I don’t need to drag the motherfucker all the way down from Alaska to do it — I can walk down to the trailer park with two 40s and hear a better story from the first person I run into.

And hell, it’s not like I need to dislike Sarah Palin as a person — disliking her as a candidate, as a speaker, as a debater, as an interviewee, as a leader of the Republican party and as an overblown witless egomaniac in way over her head will suffice. Disliking her because she’s also a sniping, shrewish gossipy bitch just seems like overkill.

Mr. Spanky April 8, 2009 at 8:51 pm

We owe Levi a debt of gratitude.

He is finishing off the political career of the Queen of White Trash.

Buy his book and the porn videos that he will be the star in.

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 8:53 pm

[re=284614]WuzzyWoozle[/re]: She is definitely hot. I mean, I’d understand it if Levi just stuck to nailing her. However, I’m not sure many lads would be as eager to hop aboard Mercede fearing she’s going to look like mom once she’s got a few miles on her. (Remember the scene in ‘The Heartbreak Kid.’)

SwanSwanH April 8, 2009 at 8:53 pm

[re=284601]Gopherit[/re]: Win.

p.s. I agree with Levi: I can’t wait for Tripp to start talkin’ either.

loquaciousmusic April 8, 2009 at 8:56 pm

Now that was some serious journalism. I loved it when the interviewer almost started to cry.

Damn LIBRUL MEDIA!

assistant/atlas April 8, 2009 at 9:06 pm

Meh. Sarah’s Snowbilly Adventures jumped the moose long ago.

Zadig April 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm

[re=284627]Custerwolf[/re]: She’d probably turn out fine if she stays off the meth and other miscellanea, but I guess that’s biologically impossible.

NunnaTheSOBs April 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm

Wellllllll, so old Levi is gonna milk this shit for all it’s worth.
He’s acting like, oh, some snowbilly heffa let loose in Saks or
Neiman Marcus with somebody else’s credit card.

ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome April 8, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Someone should help Levi’s mom get low with some Oxy so she can even SAY a fuckin’ word in these interviews!What is she a def mute now? I bet she turns into chatty cathy if you feed her some drugs. YEEEEE HAAAWWWW! (banjo song from Deliverace playing in the background)

PS. When Trip does start talking, he’s gonna tell thew whole lot of them to FUCK OFF!

ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome April 8, 2009 at 9:20 pm

Why do I feel like I’m gonna hear about Levi being in a porno movie sometime in the next year or so? Probably because that’s the only “acting” career he would ever have.

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 9:22 pm

[re=284637]Zadig[/re]: I have to say, she seemed rather articulate and bright for someone raised in a third-world frigidaire – but perhaps I was simply overcome by her magnificently coiffed highlights.

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 9:25 pm

[re=284640]ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome[/re]: Mom’s hi-speed internal dialog probably goes something like this: “DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK. DON’T TALK…….”

carameltoe April 8, 2009 at 9:36 pm

“He’s startin’ to giggle and google.”

Google, Tripp! GOOGLE! It’s the only way you’re going to learn how CRAZY your family is.

Come here a minute April 8, 2009 at 9:38 pm

[re=284566]DustBowlBlues[/re]: They probably are making money advertising here — the snowbilly governor’s supporters probably drop by to get pissed off, then spend some of their cigarette money (ha, just kidding, rent money) on SarahPAC. Just like when Wonketteers go to RedState (I guess; I just read what I see copied over here).

TeddyS April 8, 2009 at 9:49 pm

And all of these cozy family chats are going to be around for any candidate running an ad against Goobernor Palin. Why hasn’t the snowblower racer stood up for his daughter and granddaughter and taken young Levi out to the woodshed for some edumacation? Probly cause Levi would whup the crap outta him. Guns will become involved before this is all over. Maybe a helicopter, too.

Scandinavian Fetus April 8, 2009 at 10:11 pm

Hey Ken,
I know that Wonkette is supposed to be about D.C. politics and all.

But, I am getting the impression that most of the comments are cumming (sp?) from West Hollywood.

WTF?

Bearbloke April 8, 2009 at 10:24 pm

[re=284640]ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome[/re]: Trig’s not sayin’ a word to anybody except a literary agent and an emancipation lawyer

shortsshortsshorts April 8, 2009 at 10:24 pm

Sarah Palin is the foremost representative of family values, because she never has her best interest in mind. Rather she enjoys giving up her views, actions and everything else for the betterment of those she serves, whether familial or otherwise.

Bearbloke April 8, 2009 at 10:30 pm

[re=284644]ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome[/re]: Coming Soon: Levi the Redneck Powerbottom, in ‘Common-Law Cabin’!

DangerousLiberal April 8, 2009 at 10:33 pm

Rrrrrow! Sounds like an (arctic) cat fight firin’ up in ‘Laska, and I don’t mean snowmachines.

When civil war II starts, the first shots will be fired in Wasilla. “Y’all stay away from my greenhouse and meth lab.” I used to think it was a drag that Wasilla is 45 miles from Anchorage, but now this looks like a blessing. If Unca Ted had stayed in the Senate, we might have got that bridge from Anchorage to almost Wasilla, and then they could bring their cattle and tractors and their comely (heh heh) pregnant daughters right into downtown. Scary.

Bearbloke April 8, 2009 at 10:33 pm

[re=284490]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: wrong.

Bearbloke April 8, 2009 at 10:37 pm

[re=284562]DustBowlBlues[/re]: no no, Track is Sarah’s son, and ‘Trick’ is his father…

Bearbloke April 8, 2009 at 10:40 pm

[re=284585]Custerwolf[/re]: win!

MisterLoki April 8, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Oh God. I am fairly certain I fucked Mercede.

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 10:53 pm

[re=284684]MisterLoki[/re]: I would think you’d remember riding that fine make and model. Don’t you keep “tabs?”

WadISay April 8, 2009 at 10:58 pm

I bet Piper has still got a massive mad-on about having to give back the designer bag. Somebody stick a microphone in her face, too.

sati demise April 8, 2009 at 11:10 pm

[re=284561]Neilist[/re]: you are one sick gun fu*k.

Alpha O. Mega April 8, 2009 at 11:20 pm

Seward’s Follies.

buggers April 8, 2009 at 11:24 pm

[re=284571]Links[/re]: agreed – that would be fucking AWESOME. Palin forever!!! (as our loser competitor in the next 20 presidential elections at least)

AKAM80TheWolf April 8, 2009 at 11:49 pm

[re=284561]Neilist[/re]:

Get thee hence!

Uncle Glenny April 9, 2009 at 12:14 am

[re=284674]Bearbloke[/re]: Sounds good to me.

I’d been going to suggest that this should be settled by nude oil wrestling between Levi and Track (Track, on the grounds that with the more appropriate Todd it would last all of two seconds and not be so entertaining), but perhaps it should be Todd, as a prologue to this production.

You’ll direct? May I assist?

slinkimalinki April 9, 2009 at 12:18 am

“What does tripp mean to you?”
“well…it’s..uh…it’s like paper and you, uh…stick it under your tongue…and….Oh, tripp, you mean the kid, right?”

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 12:52 am

[re=284694]Alpha O. Mega[/re]: There you are – TOTAL WIN!!

SocialistMuslin April 9, 2009 at 12:57 am

Um…can I ask something. Why do they keep asking the bitch sister questions? Was she involved in some type of snowbilly 3-way with Levi and Bristol when Tripp was conceived or something? Lord, she’s totally the “Stephanie Pratt” of this story

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 1:00 am

[re=284754]SocialistMuslin[/re]: Uh – Bristol was never actually there. Just my theory.

OnTheLoose April 9, 2009 at 2:29 am

Maybe he could be Mr. Rebound for La Lohan?

Lazy Media April 9, 2009 at 5:09 am

[re=284524]Ken Layne[/re]: Mercede is short for Mercede-Benz. The Johnston demographic frequently pronounce it that way. Also, what is up with the retarded reporter and “snobby?” Does the English word “snobbish” sound too snobbish for her populist taste?

smellyal8r April 9, 2009 at 9:32 am

[re=284665]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: Well then, my friend, you’ve never spent much time in DC. The prime gay neighborhood, Dupont Circle is named for a Rear Admiral….nyuk, nyuk…

zhubajie April 9, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=284522]Custerwolf[/re]: No. It will be like one of the brothers in The Dunwich Horror or some other Lovecraft story.

Zhu Bajie

Custerwolf April 9, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=285375]zhubajie[/re]: I had to Wiki the reference – unfortunately, by the time I’d reached the end of the plot synopsis, the first part had alreday fallen out of my head.

Harley Wonder October 29, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Kinda looks lie Sarah had her eye on Levi’s Johnston, Stay at the house, Stay in the chair, todd stay by himself,
way too perfect. She was lickin her chops for sure, wait till trigg starts talkin

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