Heritage Foundation Releases Terrifying New Action Film

  boom you're dead

Now that George W. Bush’s war secretary, Robert Gates, is making cuts in missile defense spending, he is officially a San Francisco liberal who wants America to get bombed — nuclear bombed, like on 9/11. Do you want to get 9/11ed again? asks the Heritage Foundation’s new movie, 33 Minutes, where a bunch of old farts say that Iran and North Korea will nuke us with ICBMs in 33 minutes if we make these missile defense spending cuts. The music is scary, very scary, and somewhat Muslin-sounding in the beginning, as we look at New York City. 9/11. [Heritage Foundation via Spencer Ackerman]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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89 comments

  1. Capitol Hillbilly

    Gee I wonder if the Heritage Foundation gets any money from defense contractors?

  2. norbizness

    Considering that these avaricious dipshits pretty much single-handedly ruined our foreign policy and overextended our military to the point of breaking, I thought a quote from Louise, the black housekeeper in Being There, would be appropriate:

    “It’s for sure a white man’s world in America. Look here: I raised that boy since he was the size of a piss-ant. And I’ll say right now, he never learned to read and write. No, sir. Had no brains at all. Was stuffed with rice pudding between th’ ears. Shortchanged by the Lord, and dumb as a jackass. Look at him now! Yes, sir, all you’ve gotta be is white in America, to get whatever you want. Gobbledy-gook!”

  3. Scandinavian Fetus

    Why does the very opening music sound like a Muslim incantation?

    Is the Heritage Foundation trying to be multicultural?

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Oh yeah. The threat of the NK’s awesome Limpy Dong Too that breaks up in midflight is SOOOOOO scary (if you’re a dolphin.)

  5. Tommmcatt

    “Where do you travel so fast, Chicken Little?” asked Foxy Loxy.
    “Ah, Foxy Loxy,” said Chicken Little, “the sky is falling, and we go to tell the king.”
    “Do you know the way to the king’s house?” asked Foxy Loxy.
    “No,” said Chicken Little.
    “No,” said Henny Penny.
    “No,” said Ducky Daddles.
    “No,” said Goosey Loosey.
    “No,” said Turkey Lurkey.
    “Then come with me and I will show you,” said Foxy Loxy.
    So he took them all to his den, and they were never heard from again.

  6. Serolf Divad

    You know, an orbiting death ray would reach the U.S. instantaneously!!! It’s just that Iran and North Korea don’t have one of those either.

  7. DCBadger

    This looks like poorly made BSG Fan Fiction. I’m surprised Irish flute wasn’t involved somehow with the soundtrack.

  8. Sussemilch

    [re=284236]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Defense contractors, drug makers, oil companies, and other right-wing foundations… which get a lot of their money from defense contractors, drug companies, and oil companies.

    So… ending the war, socializing health care, and pursuing alternative energy isn’t just good policy, it’s a stab to the heart of conservative nincompoopery.

  9. Advocatus_Diaboli

    “we can hit a mark on the bullet with a bullet” … as long as we have the trajectory of the target programmed into our computers first. And of course Lil’ Kim will certainly share that information with us before he launches his type o dong.

  10. Come here a minute

    [re=284251]Serolf Divad[/re]: Good point, time to roll out a hyper-expensive orbiting death ray shield program. It will be just as good as the Bush missile defense! Hooray!

  11. SayItWithWookies

    “Instead of planes, if this (the 9/11 attack) had been a nuclear weapon…”

    Wait, let me guess — then it probably wouldn’t have taken off from Logan airport with 70-some passengers on board?

    Hey, wasn’t this missile threat the same thing Dubya was saying was our number one defense priority from January 20 right up until seven minutes after he shoulda been done with My Pet Goat? Yeah, that’s a bandwagon we need to get back on.

  12. loudmouthredhead

    The North Koreans want to turn us all gay-like with their flying (taepo)dongs!

    Honey, git the young’uns in the truck! We’s headin’ fer the woods in Montana. ‘Member how ta cook squirrel?

  13. arclight

    Yeah, wow, I sure wish we could be kept safe from a terrorist attack like we were under George W Bu… HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

  14. V572625694

    Did anyone ever take the Heritage Foundation seriously? And do they still, after watching this Lockheed-Martin/Raytheon/Boeing commercial disguised as….uh, a bunch of old guys trying to scare us?

  15. binarian

    Clearly the Heritage Foundation is desperately searching for something to be paranoid about. Keep looking, boys….

  16. Giant Robot

    Since it’s bad movie Wednomday – I keep going to http://www.billyjack.com where Tom Laughlin has been promising a new Billy Jack release for about nine years now. WTF? I’m starting to lose interest.

  17. AngryBlakGuy

    …Unfortunately it seems like they left some stuff out:

    1) Iran is 6 years from having ONE nuclear device(not weapon)

    2) It will take N.Korea at least 5 years to weaponize their devices

    3) Neither country has a viable delivery system for nuclear weapons

    4) When and if they do get nukes it will be 1 or 2 every year(if that)

    5) They would never use nuclear weapons on the U.S. because they know we would turn their countries into glowing radioactive parking lots.

    6) The Heritage Foundation is a bunch of COCK WEASELS!!!

  18. Saxby Coburg

    I just had time to get over the NOM NOM clip and the Cat 5 intolerance storm and Sears pantsuits and now you ask me to process this? Mushroom clouds. Muslin music. Maggie Thatcher. What is it with these conservatives and their paranoid, end-of-days images?

  19. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=284271]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: …oh yeah and:

    7) This so-called “Missle Defense” bullshyt NEVA-EVA-EVA-EVA-EVA worked!!! We have been dumping money into this black hole for the past 30 fukking years!!!

  20. Spiro Agnew

    As someone who works in the buisness, the Under Secretary and Assisstant Secretary of State know no more about missle defense than any other informed citizen. They don’t do missle defense at State. I have my own opinion on the subject but just because those knobs put suits on for two years and came to Foggy Bottom doesn’t mean they know shit, most people here don’t.

  21. Colander

    I love how indiscriminate the ads are here. On one post, there’s a buff dude advertising speed pills, here they want my support for traditional marriage.

  22. Paterlanger

    No doubt these old farts get hard-ons fantasizing about the good old days when it was us versus the Reds. And what was it that worked so well (in their eyes) to deter the Russian nucular threat? Our counter threat of an overwhelming response, right? M.A.D., I think was how Dr. Kissinger referred to that strategy. Well that overwhelming response is still sitting in silos and on subs ready to go. Who are the Iranians and Koreans that these Industrial Military Pansies think we need to go and blow another gazillion dollars on sham technology. Why, dear God, won’t any of the Dems take this tactic publicly and call these guys out. They aren’t hawks! They’re afraid of their own shadows. I’m so sick of Republicans getting the upper hand in these debates about military spending. How does being too frightened to risk taking even one little punch make you a fighter?

  23. Josh Fruhlinger

    Ha ha, I love the guy standing in front of the 9/11 pit. “This is where 9/11 happened. But what if someone else entirely attacked us in an entirely different way? 9/11!”

  24. Bruno

    As a man with a strong love for muslin lands, I have a deep appreciation for the music in the first part of the vid. I would have personally preferred Nushat Feteh Ali Khan, but that is probably too Pakistani and our real enemies are the Iraqis, because of Saddam Obama Hussein.

  25. Guppy06

    If the aerospace folks need their gubmint cheese, why can’t they release bad videos pushing for a return to the moon instead? At least with NASA there’s the possibility of stuff trickling down into the civilian sector, rather than being needlessly classified for a century or two.

    Disposable hypersonic suborbital interceptors, and it still takes 4 hours for my civilian ass to fly to LA, in a cramped seat that makes me wish I’d taken a train. Where’s my flying car?

  26. Dave J.

    I really have no idea why SDI isn’t being fully funded, given how spectacular* the tests of the system to date have been.

    *by spectacular, I mean all the tests in which they have essentially rigged it in advance to succeed, and have told the system exactly where to shoot, have all still failed.

  27. loudmouthredhead

    Anyone else imagine combining the two freeper nightmares into one ultimate doom scenario?…

    Rainbow Dawn

    “Boy, those ROTC guys are way off course. Why do they have those rainbow flags and sequined uniforms?”

  28. Gopherit

    [re=284295]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Oh come on, it works! 6-7 times out of every 10 or so. That’s a passing grade at Harvard! Ask Dubya.

  29. WadISay

    I think this “we could all be dead in 33 minutes in an A-bomb attack” line is the Neocons’ last, best hope of getting laid.

  30. problemwithcaring

    If every year, we don’t continue spending twice the combined military budget of every country in the world 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

  31. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Do you want to get 9/11ed again?

    If we do, the wingnuts will have to demand that Obama gets unlimited power to take revenge on the evildoers, right? I mean, they’re not fucking hypocrites, right?

  32. Baconbits

    I appreciated the (accidental) truth of “their whole life could be annihilated.” Because New Yorkers aren’t Real Amur’cans, y’all!

  33. Gopherit

    [re=284247]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Don’t forget all of those muslin terrists in…..North Korea?

  34. twowheeljunkie

    [re=284257]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]:
    It has always been my belief that the only way to be safe from ICBMs is to have a shield like on Stat Trek.
    Shields up Mr. Spok

    And what is this Pet Goat thing? Did I miss something?

  35. saggyboobedhag

    I’m confused. If defense spending is being cut why is the amount going UP?

    Or are they planning on spending the extra money on all the PTSD and TBI soldiers who are not currently allowed to be diagnosed?

    So, defense contractors are getting squeezed. Yeah, that’s just awful. Maybe we can tea bag our Congressmen over that atrocity.

  36. imissopus

    The first episode of the first season of Battlestar Galactica involved the fleet jumping around the clock because the Cylons kept showing up to attack every 33 minutes: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0519761/plotsummary

    So either the Heritage Foundation is full of BSG nerds who pulled that number out of the deep recesses of what passes for their brains, or the more frightening alternative: Kim Jong Il is a Cylon! And Ahmadinejad. Also.

  37. loudmouthredhead

    [re=284327]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: You just clearly hate freedom. What could possibly be bad about things like the PATRIOT act? See? It’s got patriot right in the name! Of course it’s in the national interest!

  38. InEugene

    Wow, That looked like ad for Raytheon Missile Systems Standard Missile.
    I fear low tech terror and Fox news induced terror more than Kim’s Krazy guys missiles.
    Grow a set and live. Don’t let the crazies drive us to our bunkers.

  39. StrangelyBrown

    So the Heritage Foundation wants us to keep spending billions of dollars a year to keep perennially developing a weapon that would have, at best, a 30 to 1 chance of intercepting the one (1) functional nuclear bomb that Iran or N. Korea might be able to put on ballistic missile with a guidance system that actually works sometime in the next decade or two?

    Wouldn’t it be significantly more cost effective to just rebuild New York?

  40. Scandinavian Fetus

    As long as nothing interferes with my watching American Idol, I don’t give a fuck.

  41. loudmouthredhead

    I love how conservatives suddenly love New York and use it as a prop when it’s attacked, but hate it otherwise.

  42. imissopus

    [re=284322]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Ha ha, I just had an image of those soldiers prancing around the Wolverines’ high school, shooting it up while looking faaaaaaaaaabulous!

  43. Lazy Media

    [re=284260]The Cold Sea[/re]: I was just thinking, Madame Tussaud’s has REALLY improved on the Disney animatronics with that Thatcher waxwork.

  44. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=284325]WadISay[/re]: So the neocons are now basing their policy decisions on scenes from “Grease II”?

    o/ Let’s do it for our country! /o

  45. Hooray For Anything

    Is this the latest Nicholas Cage movie?

    [re=284253]DCBadger[/re]: That’s what I thought too– the opening shot and the music were straight out of BSG. The only reason I watched the video was to see if there was a shot of Dick Cheney being protected from a nuclear blast by a hot blonde in a red dress.

  46. JSDC007

    Do they have out of work B-list Bollywood types playing the Muslin Arab terrrrahrists?

    We all know that they just round up some Chinese guys at the local take-out place to play the North Koreans.

  47. Pizzuti

    Oooh, when does that film come out! I wanna see Manhattan get blown up – this is the best thing since Cloverfield!

  48. loudmouthredhead

    [re=284348]imissopus[/re]: And forcibly taking over the town by slapping uppity residents silly.

  49. Neilist

    This is Complete And Utter Bullshit.

    Anyone who knows anything about “interceptor missile” based ABM technology — which is what they are talking about — knows that (1) it has never worked under even simulated “battle” conditions; (2) it cannot be tested under battle conditions due to the ballastic tracks involved, and other factors that cannot be duplicated; (3) it is inherently on the “wrong” side of the “measures vs. countermeasures” problem; and (4) it is the Mother Of All Boondoggles in terms of paying billions/trillons of dollars for technology that doesn’t, and cannot, work as advertised.

    The easiest way to “prove” the above would be to: (1) bar any military officers from working, on retirement, for any contractor, directly or indirectly, with whom they had any pre-retirement involvment; (2) talk only to scientists and/or those who are not economically invested in whatever they are trying to sell.

    The list goes on and on and on. The F-22 (another airplane in search of a mission) recently was written about favorably in The Atlantic by a reporter who clearly was utterly ignorant of the subject, and/or wanted to give blowjobs to the “fighter jocks” he was interviewing. James Fallows, The Altantic reporter who usually writes about military matters, and who knows of which he speaks, gave it the most “backhanded” review I have ever read. (“Well, my colleague spells well . . . .”)

    Gesh. These people think we’re stupid. The problem is that they are correct.

  50. El Pinche

    Oh yeah, i can hit a spec on a spot on a bullet with a bullet.
    AMERKA , FUCK YEAH!!! BAND AIDZ!!

  51. Neilist

    My, what an AMAZING coincidence: General Obering was in charge of the very program he is now flogging, via something called the “Missile Defense Advocacy Alliance” (MDAA):

    Lt. Gen. Henry A. “Trey” Obering (ret.) is the former Director of the Missile Defense Agency, Office of the Secretary of Defense, Washington, D.C. The MDA is Presidentially-chartered and mandated by Congress to acquire highly effective ballistic missile defense systems for forward-deployed and expeditionary elements of the U.S. armed forces. Additionally, the agency will develop options and, if directed, acquire systems for ballistic missile defense of the United States. As the former Director, General Obering was the Acquisition Executive for all Ballistic missile defense systems and programs.

    Lt. Gen. Henry A. “Trey” Obering (ret.), a native of Birmingham, Ala., entered the Air Force in 1973 after completing the University of Notre Dame’s ROTC program as a distinguished graduate. He received his pilot wings in 1975 and flew operational assignments in the F-4E. The general was later assigned to the Space Shuttle program and participated in 15 space shuttle launches as a NASA orbiter project engineer and was responsible for integrating firing room launch operations. Other assignments include tours with the Air Force Inspector General, the Defense Mapping Agency and Electronic Systems Center.

    Prior to his assignment at MDA, the general planned and programmed 68 joint, Air Force and international programs with a $28 billion budget as Mission Area Director for Information Dominance on the Air Staff.

  52. loudmouthredhead

    [re=284361]Neilist[/re]: If they were even remotely serious about ABM defense, they would use directed energy (i.e. laser/microwave) systems to do it, like Boeing’s airborne laser platform. Someone in the contractor community slept with the right people to convince anyone that bullet-with-a-bullet was the best tech. Now the whole idea sounds stupid thanks to these people.

  53. Origami

    The fact that North Korea can’t even launch a rocket over Japan isn’t really helping these crybabies’ case.

    Sometimes I wonder if these people have brains in their oddly-shaped old man heads. Yes, Iran or North Korea will launch a nuclear missile that they don’t have at the US, without warning and for no real reason. Because a small, poor country bombing a great world power is 1. plausible and 2. not going to cause every other country ON EARTH to bomb the shit out of that tiny attacker country. These guys are so with it and rational they should be running the nation’s newspapers.

  54. loudmouthredhead

    [re=284389]Origami[/re]: Maybe just having such paranoid, insane people in our country’s defense community is enough to deter people from launching attacks on us?

    Could this be the DoD’s fabled “Crayzee Werks”?

  55. Scandinavian Fetus

    [re=284346]loudmouthredhead[/re]: This is the real reason that Republicans will not “negotiate” with other countries. They WANT liberal New York destroyed. Building up nuclear weapons is the ultimately defensive smokescreen alibi that will allow “us” to retaliate once Cosmopolitanism is destroyed.

    Believe me, if missiles from hostile countries were pointed at Atlanta, the Pentagon would be investing in little more than slingshots.

    Enough sobriety.

    I want to have Carrot Top’s baby, and I am a dude.

  56. lawrenceofthedesert

    After watching last night’s “Frontline” piece about the BAE bribery festival sanctioned by the British government, I’m wondering why the PM doesn’t wear SCUBA gear to work. It reminded me of when I had to fly out of National airport on a 737 with Maggie when she headed the opposition, and it was only my prayers that got us off the ground with something that heavy aboard — she should have been sitting in the House of Loads. (Nevertheless, I wish her well in her struggle with Mad Cow Disease.)

  57. June Cleaver 2.0

    You can tell rightwingers live in a fantasy world. The background music sounds like a movie trailer. I guess rightwingers eat popcorn when they look a Fox Noise. We’ll have to give Margaret Thatcher a posthumous Oscar for that one.

  58. Seek

    [re=284335]saggyboobedhag[/re]: There are no circumstances under which I am willing to Teabag my congressman – NONE

  59. comradepaulson

    [re=284416]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Are we sure it’s not Helen Mirren playing Margaret Thatcher?

  60. Mr. Todd

    I’m at least several years away from being scared of North Korea’s doom missiles, considering the last one was aimed at the sky and hit the ocean. I find the Heritage Foundation’s mastery of gripping movie teasers much more terrifying.

  61. Uncle Glenny

    [re=284251]Serolf Divad[/re]: Iran was going to set off an EMP over central US, but with all the work the Bush regime put into protecting our infrastructure, they decided it was easier to just outsource our downfall to some Chinese and Russian computer hackers.

  62. loudmouthredhead

    [re=284466]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: “How dare they kill our queers an’ godless lib’ruls! That’s OUR job!”

  63. President Beeblebrox

    [re=284336]imissopus[/re]: Right, and I was just thinking that the opening few seconds were like the beginning of every BSG episode – you know, tribal vocal music while panning over the glorious radiant skyline of Caprica City which teh Cylons were shortly to nuke.

    ‘Cause, y’know, Sarah Palin was just the physical embodiment of Laura Roslin. Also.

  64. Neilist

    [re=284382]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Well, the energy weapons side (lasers (both visible and higher wavelength; microwave; particle beam) has its technical and physics problems, too.

    But no one is claiming that there is anything close to a workable, deployable energy system (because there isn’t). Those missiles in the ground in Alaska are just wasted money. A LOT of wasted money.

    If you know anything about the history of high-tech weapons development, you know that there are example after example after example of some “Gee Whiz!” device or system that Simply Never Worked As Advertised.

    But so far, the current ABM system is the all-time winner . . . .

    (Boy howdy, but this kind of this pisses me off. It always amazes me that the military brass and the contractors can keep a straight face . . . .)

  65. The Helvetica Scenario

    Without SDI, how are we going to shoot down the terrorists on jetpacks?

  66. RobertSeattle

    What is the RETIRED General doing in UNIFORM talking about this? Ain’t there a rule?

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