RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  2:52 pm April 8, 2009

Get Up In the Morning, Slaving For Bread, Sir

by Ken Layne

  • Secret Muslin Jew Barack Obama will host the first-ever White House passover seder. [WSJ]
  • The Treasury will delay those toxic-asset “stress test” results to avoid “complicating” the stock market. [Reuters]
  • “A decorated ex-cop who claimed he tested positive for cocaine because he ingested the drug during oral sex with his girlfriend can’t have his job back, a Manhattan judge has ruled.” [NYDN]
  • Sarah Palin wants you to know that Levi Johnston did not live with Bristol in a special teen fuck-room decorated in baby seal pelts by Sarah Palin herself. He just “stayed over” for two months. [Andrew Sullivan]
  • Kenyan failure Barack Obama is soft on piracy. [RedState]
  • The terrorists/Chinese/Russians have installed spambots on our nation’s electricity grid, which is going to turn out badly for America. [WSJ]
  • Oh hey your Wonkette blogs on MacBooks just like every other Professional Blog Writer on the planet. [LaptopLogic]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 49 comments }

Serolf Divad April 8, 2009 at 2:56 pm

And since Obama is a Democrat, all gathered will be drinking the blood of an aborted Christian baby, naturally.

Gopherit April 8, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Is there anything oral sex can’t do?

Guppy06 April 8, 2009 at 3:00 pm

“in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship”

Wait… who said that about whom again?

rambone April 8, 2009 at 3:00 pm

“Professional Blog Writer” haha, very funny Ken! We all know that you guys make your living from PUMA pelts and O’Bumma’s secret welfare propaganda checks.

norbizness April 8, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Sullivan’s morbid fascination with that holler fulla yokels is actually only the 113th most unredeeming thing about him.

magic titty April 8, 2009 at 3:05 pm

My cocaine-laced genitals bankrolled the Contras for years, honey. . .

magic titty April 8, 2009 at 3:06 pm

These headlines are better than this morning’s.
Speaking of, can we not get some anti-virus happening on the electrical grid, USA? wtf…

Min April 8, 2009 at 3:06 pm

I didn’t even know you could snort cocaine vaginally.

DagNabbit April 8, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Dude? Who wouldn’t want to knock up the Hot Governor’s Hot Daughter?

Gopherit April 8, 2009 at 3:08 pm

[re=284065]norbizness[/re]: I am pretty sure you have to make a real effort to not sleep with family in Alaska, so meh.

4tehlulz April 8, 2009 at 3:10 pm

TEH ZOG’S INFILLTRASHUN OF AMERKA IS COMPLEET; GETZ GUNZ WILE U STILL KAN

RAHOWA

whaat April 8, 2009 at 3:12 pm

The WSJ link at the top is a duplicate of the Reuters one beneath.

Unless my browser is tricking me, for fun.

hockeymom April 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm

The CBS interview with Levi and family made them seem a lot more sympathetic. I think Ms. Palin ought to back away from a nasty fight if she’s planning on running for Prez in the future. Because anything the Palins might think they have on Levi, he probably has on their daughter.

Also….Pirates!

bitchincamaro April 8, 2009 at 3:16 pm
threeb April 8, 2009 at 3:17 pm

I’m stupid. Could one of you librul intelleckshul elites please explain to me the difference between “living with” and “staying over?”

shortsshortsshorts April 8, 2009 at 3:18 pm

My Macbook is WAY FANCIER than thou’s, but I just bought it, so I guess that doesn’t count.

KEN- BUY THE NEW MACBOOK IT IS LIKE TRAVELLING AT LIGHT SPEED, without brakes, unfortunately.

Scandinavian Fetus April 8, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Levi’s Fuck Room was located right next to the palatial, Palin Reading Room. The Iraq, also, and.

2druk2phluq April 8, 2009 at 3:20 pm

The cop thought it was powdered sugar. He also thought there were sprinkles, until they started moving around.

loudmouthredhead April 8, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Does that girl with the coke filled naughty-bits have a sister?

bitchincamaro April 8, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Laptop, my ass. We are not fooled, Mr. Layne. You perforate road signs with buckshot in code and have them translated by your blind monkey slaves teh DeeCee!

Guppy06 April 8, 2009 at 3:21 pm

[re=284104]threeb[/re]: It means he didn’t have to pay rent.

facehead April 8, 2009 at 3:22 pm

I just found this, I’m sure it is newsworthy:

Pic: http://3.media.tumblr.com/Q3vCFPeTTm0nnkq4LbRWQYPVo1_500.jpg

The photo is from “Bill’s Taco House”

(see http://www.calendarlive.com/dining/100361,0,1314298.venue )

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 8, 2009 at 3:23 pm

I think it’s nice that Hopey is hosting the seder, but I think Rahm has slain all the first born already.

Monsieur Grumpe April 8, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Hey. I’m working on developing that new fangled space age grid and I don’t see anyth…. Bzttt ferp weeeedle.

Everything is okee dokee with the grid!
Over.

freakishlystrong April 8, 2009 at 3:29 pm

[re=284104]threeb[/re]: Filthy Democrats “live with”, Republicans “stay over”..see?

threeb April 8, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=284123]Guppy06[/re]: Thanks for clarifying

WadISay April 8, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Levi also says the Palins are stuck-up and snooty. Been that way ever since Todd won the lip farting contest.

Come here a minute April 8, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Mark your calendars — Diwali is on October 17th. White House new hire Kalpen Modi will be hosting.

Norbert April 8, 2009 at 3:37 pm

I for one mourn this judge’s terrible decision because of the chilling effect on the practice of cunnilingus that it will surely have across the nation.

forgracie April 8, 2009 at 3:40 pm

WOO HOO! That Red State is a boatload of crazy…

bitchincamaro April 8, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=284160]Norbert[/re]: I posted this earlier, but it warrants reposting:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6639461.stm

IceCreamEmpress April 8, 2009 at 3:40 pm

Poor you, Israelite.

EARWORM! EARWORM! EARWORM!

Okay, as to the “the cocaine was from the cunnilingus” folks: you’re doing SOMETHING wrong there. The nose/cooch distinction is generally even easier than the ass/elbow distinction.

I also love people named “Levi” and “Mercede” (apparently that’s the singular of Mercedes, or the plural of Merced) complaining about being labeled “white trash.”

Norbert April 8, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=284164]bitchincamaro[/re]: gadzooks. well, we’ve all gotta go sometime.

V572625694 April 8, 2009 at 3:46 pm

I’m in Houston on business but playing hooky in the hotel room, watching Nora O’Donnell.

Wow, she’s hawwtt!

gjdodger April 8, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Mazel tizzle.

gjdodger April 8, 2009 at 3:52 pm

Oh, and congrats on the reference. Surely, Barry and Michelle don’t want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde.

Mad Farmer Manifest April 8, 2009 at 3:52 pm

Anyone else notice that a Moran is in charge of monitoring the electrical grid?

TimeCubist April 8, 2009 at 4:08 pm

I love that song. DD, RIP.

Oral sex or plain old hoovering, he still ingested it, right? QED, fired.

TimeCubist April 8, 2009 at 4:11 pm

The couple met at a punk concert and, according to court records, they “would often sweat” while having sex “three or four times per week.”

I’m sorry, what?

bitchincamaro April 8, 2009 at 4:33 pm

“…some people overseas with Cold War mentality are indulged in fabricating the sheer lies of the so-called cyberspies in China. The soft white belly of the American running dog propagandist government suppressors will be exposed and destroyed, also.

gradgrind April 8, 2009 at 4:36 pm

You got any morans on duty this afternoon? The WSJ “Seder” link goes to Reuters “sad moneys du jour”. Could this be Red China hard at work getting all our interwebs in a twist, or interns drinking earlier than usual?

psilage April 8, 2009 at 4:46 pm

systematically scapegoated and demonized

Bruno April 8, 2009 at 4:54 pm

I won’t be impressed until Barry has a Bris milah in the White House

L Urchin April 8, 2009 at 4:58 pm

[re=284164]bitchincamaro[/re]: Interesting, but how seriously can we take a study run by someone named Gypsyamber?

getoffmylawn April 8, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Willy couldn’t hold a seder at 1600 when he was in residence because playing “hide the Afikomen” would take on a whole new meaning with Monica.

Zadig April 8, 2009 at 5:32 pm

[re=284237]TimeCubist[/re]: It means that sometimes, they did not sweat while having sex three-to-four times per week. Which is probably actually a pretty serious health problem.

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 6:38 pm

[re=284398]Zadig[/re]: Anhydrosis? No sweat. But the real question is, how nicely decorated was this ex-cop?

Custerwolf April 8, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Interesting interview there with Levi, America’s Next Top Model. Appears the first volley has been fired in the feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. Stay tuned for more sexytime family hijinks.

gossipgirl April 9, 2009 at 1:14 pm

I actually (God help us) know the cop and his, er, friend, and the story is true. Scary, but true.

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