STARS OF THE SENATE  1:33 pm April 8, 2009

Ted Kennedy Throws First Pitch At Red Sox Opening Game

by Ken Layne

Oh boy we better not make a funny about this or fuckface porn addict David Denby may be compelled to shit out another $15.95 pamphlet about how the Internet has ruined his dinner with Michael Kinsley. So, here is “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” star Ted Kennedy just cold bein’ alive and outside and throwing a baseball, which is an American Tradition. UPDATE: Oh Red Lasso can go to HELL. Much better/insane YouTube version now in place.

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Hola wonkerados.

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Zadig April 8, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Your link is hell of broken, and how dare you. HOW DARE YOU TELL JOKES EVER, KEN?

Bjorn April 8, 2009 at 1:36 pm

red lasso hates you apparently because all I see is some garbled text :/

arclight April 8, 2009 at 1:37 pm

I’m waiting for the first dead girl in the car joke.

Min April 8, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Ted’s looking pretty frail.

ohiolobbyist April 8, 2009 at 1:39 pm

Thank God this isn’t Deadspin, or the comments would be loaded with 1.3 retarded Massholes typing “GO SOX!!1!!!@!!!”

magic titty April 8, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Ken Layne is a fucking folk hero.

Carrie_Okie April 8, 2009 at 1:41 pm


ForTheTurnstiles April 8, 2009 at 1:42 pm

I think I’d like to fuck that fox news lady.

It would be my legacy.

Bruno April 8, 2009 at 1:44 pm

[re=283863]Zadig[/re]: My link is broken too. All I get is some Simpsons episode with Mr. Burns at the ballgame

Bruno April 8, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=283873]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: “I think I’d like to fuck that fox news lady.”

Its LA – that’s a Man, baby

imissopus April 8, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I was in Fenway for Opening Day once, in 1995, against the Twins. I sat behind home plate with the players’ wives. Jose Cansenco was in his first year with the Sox and his platinum-bottle-blonde, fake-titted, trailer-park wife was walking around as the other players’ much dumpier wives made snarky and catty comments about her. As much fun as that was, I’d still rather have been at Opening Day yesterday to see Teddy totter out there. Excuse me, I must have some dust or something in my eye.

rmontcal April 8, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Today, we are all Sox fans.

Gorillionaire April 8, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Good for Ted. Most Americans can barely walk that far without keeling over and coughing.

AllHat April 8, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Can’t watch it; how many feet short of home plate did it fall?

wheelie April 8, 2009 at 1:49 pm

Good on ya, Ted.

Hart88 April 8, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Still alive, bitchez!

Rush April 8, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Gee, we all have so much to look forward to as we get older.

AllHat April 8, 2009 at 1:52 pm

The knighthood, the first-pitch throw, etc. This victory-lap-style party everyone’s throwing for Ted, in advance of his inevitable hideous-death-by-brain-cancer, is agonizing to watch on many levels.

norbizness April 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm

The Astros are in need of a fifth starter, or we might have to go with (shudder) Russ Ortiz.

Rush April 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm


Uhh, does barley beyond the pitchers mound provide an appropriate image?

One Yield Regular April 8, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Must be a dust storm, imissopus, because I’ve got something in my eye too. Ted’s one of those rare public figures (Jane Fonda’s another) I just can’t bear to see mocked. He’s an original, and unlike his strident, righteous critics, he’s not small.

MARCdMan April 8, 2009 at 1:55 pm

[re=283885]AllHat[/re]: Yeah, seriously, think Mr. Burns throwing the first pitch at the Isotopes game.

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm

So, Ted Kennedy is the the Jesus-allegory Lion of the Senate?

WadISay April 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm

A real Fox News affiliate would give equal time to the cancer.

shortsshortsshorts April 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm


DoctorCulturae April 8, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Teddy yes, but what’s up with the whiskey-voiced newsbabe?

Judas Peckerwood April 8, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Ted’s lost a few mph off his fastball.

The Unfairman April 8, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=283885]AllHat[/re]: See where the player is standing in front of Ted? Yeah, he had to walk forward to pick up the ball.

Looks like how I throw.

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Why he hasn’t been signed by the Nationals I have no idea.
Of course I’d still rather watch Ted Kennedy throw a baseball than watch Dubya’s entire national security apparatus try to do the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

WIDTAP April 8, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Well thank God we have the New Camelot brewing because that last of the worthwhile Kennedy’s can’t pitch worth shite.

The Neoskeptic April 8, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Teddy’s great great grandfather F.Scott Chapaquiditch Fitzgerald threw out the very first pitch at the very first game at Fenway, so y’all better just recognize. Uncle Ted could roll the first pitch off his big toe and he’s still a better man than you.

and a better drunk driver!

AllHat April 8, 2009 at 2:18 pm


“Let’s see. 8 down, two letters for ‘hospital drama recently ended’. Any ideas? Anyone?”

norbizness April 8, 2009 at 2:25 pm


Homer: Hey, Burns! Hey, rag-arm!
Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me! (sound file here).

Oh, and even better, video here.

bitchincamaro April 8, 2009 at 2:32 pm

If baseball had brackets, we’d have another scandal on our hands.

gurukalehuru April 8, 2009 at 2:32 pm

I think he’s ready to fight for the old man’s heavyweight boxing championship of the world against Muhammed Ali, if he’s still alive.
I’d pay money to see that.
You can Snark away on old Ted. His politics may be smarter than most, but I’m with the righties on this one. He left that poor girl to die.

Lazy Media April 8, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Ted Kennedy throws like a 77-year-old girl with a brain tumor. Hey, it had to be said.

Cape Clod April 8, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Sort of a different greeting than the time Cheney threw out the first pitch at a Reds game.

norbizness April 8, 2009 at 3:06 pm

[re=284014]Cape Clod[/re]: Then he called in airstrikes on Riverfront Stadium or whatever the fuck it’s called now.

norbizness April 8, 2009 at 3:12 pm

P.S. What the shit music is playing over the youtube video? And that’s not Ted Kennedy, that’s Ted Knight! He’s just come back to life and started parting his glorious white hair on the other side?

sanantonerose April 8, 2009 at 3:31 pm

I hope my smile is that big and pretty when I’m hovering near death.

Watchreader April 8, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Listen, Ken, I believe that the whole “just cold ___” meme started with Jim Newell’s post here. It was hilarious, because it caught the audience off guard.

When you repeat it outside of “stone” “sucking” or “titties”, it just doesn’t work I’m afraid :/

Uncle Glenny April 8, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=283868]ohiolobbyist[/re]: GO SOX!!1!!!@!!!


[re=283904]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: What really sucks is how the wingnuts keep reassigning the epithet of “MOST LIBRUL SENATAH EVAH!!!!11!!!” to whoever it seems most convenient to tar with that label (Kerry, Obama)

102415 April 8, 2009 at 5:30 pm

I love Ted Kennedy it’s hard to die of cancer.
I want to know when Novak is going to die. I just hope that none of us die first because….you know.
[re=283950]gurukalehuru[/re]: He was drunk and she was already dead. Try the same stunt and see what you do but I basically agree with you, snark way, apparently it never bothered the great majority of people in MA one way or the other.

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 8, 2009 at 5:38 pm

He throws like a limp-wristed Liberal.

DangerousLiberal April 8, 2009 at 10:44 pm

[re=283896]Rush[/re]: See where the catcher set up? Kennedys get all the breaks. You know, the assassinations, the brain cancer, the plane crashes. Yes, they have all the luck.

GoSox April 10, 2009 at 10:02 am

ohiolobbyist says at 1:39 pm, April 8th, 2009
- Reply

Thank God this isn’t Deadspin, or the comments would be loaded with 1.3 retarded Massholes typing “GO SOX!!1!!!@!!!”

“1.3 retarded Massholes” makes a ton of sense… Who’s the retard now?

At least it wasn’t a link about overrated, over-hyped, underachieving college football teams.

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