freedom bombs

Teabags Of Doom Inundate Senate

Just put them in your mouth and suck on them for a while.Huzzah, another contribution from a brave Senate staffer who has suffered the terrible onslaught of anthrax (or “tea”) bags from voters who dislike taxes. All of these heavily irradiated teabags represent Freedom from Tyranny.

Note that many people opted not to send actual tea but just the little paper sleeve they came in, and one teabagger thought that a bag of fucking Vanilla Chai would really stick it to the man. This is the most terrifying bit of mail an elected official could hope to receive, besides maybe a goat’s head in a box.

Our informant, “Bilbo ‘Baggs,” tells us that this is a pretty representative haul from a typical mail run, which happens four or five times a day. Goodness gracious, that is a lot of anthrax to sort through.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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108 comments

  1. arclight

    It drives me INSANE how these conservatards are so worried about their country getting ruined NOW but didn’t seem the slightest bit concerned when the foundations of our country were eroded over the last eight years.

    And that Bigelow Vanilla Chai is really NOT good.

  2. Schadenfried

    Obviously the people who sent the Bigelow and Stash teabags are pseudo-conservatives.

  3. PortlandSmartAss

    You’ve gotta love the gun-totting Palin-lover, sipping some Vanilla-Chai Tea after skinning an elk and listening to a Paultard podcast.

  4. ChernobylSoup

    Who knew Libertarians were into fancy flavored tea? I always reckoned they made their tea from tree bark.

  5. phineas_bounderby

    Bigelow’s Chai may not be that good, but you have to realize what an evolutionary leap it was for a mouthbreathing wingnut to actually go into a store and buy it.

  6. Come here a minute

    [re=283673]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Or maybe by Senate interns with sore throats. Next up, getting wingnuts to send honey.

    I’m just a little black rain cloud
    hovering under the honey tree,
    Only a little black rain cloud,
    pay no attention to little me.

  7. chascates

    “You are destroying my country”

    How the hell do they think things get paid for? Warships, abstinence programs, and monuments don’t grow on trees.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Evidence clearly shows that, rather than buy their own tea most teabaggers just send in tea they’ve stolen from work.

  9. Cape Clod

    [re=283673]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I see the withered corporate hand of the British East India Company behind this. They went underground years ago, like the Illuminati.

  10. Guppy06

    If only we could get the Red Staters to start sending sugar packets and powdered creamer as well.

  11. gjdodger

    [re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Really? I figured they just came up from the basement and got it from their moms.

  12. mercure

    If I were the US government, I’d be looking over my shoulder nervously whenever I was out in the open. Those chai drinkers are hardcore, man, retribution is coming.

  13. DoctorCulturae

    [re=283676]arclight[/re]: win.

    To gloss J. Stewart from last night: Sorry wingnuts, this isn’t some fantasy about tyranny and your childish efforts to resurrect the true intention of the founding fathers, you guys lost, democratically. Get a pacifier and suck it. What is going on now is called a CLEAN UP.

    Hopemaster is the guy at the circus with the shovel and pail following the elephant parade.

  14. NoWireHangers

    The problem with teabaggers’ tea is that no matter the flavor the tea always tastes bitter.

  15. norbizness

    Now if they were just to throw James Lipton into the Boston Harbor, preferably while he was interviewing Ice-T.

  16. wheelie

    [re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: LOL. I think this is true. Or else they send stuff that they bought on a whim this one time, but then realized nobody would ever use.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    [re=283694]gjdodger[/re]: I refuse to believe that actual humans buy — much less consume, unless by accident — Lipton or Bigelow tea. Corporations, on the other hand, love to stock their kitchens with them — since they taste like sour dirt, one box will last almost forever.

  18. Litlebritdifrnt

    [re=283688]phineas_bounderby[/re]:

    Vanilla Chai is the kind of thing next to the fancy coffees at Gas stations, well that and Liptons, (I am a tea drinker and always looking for the tea bags), methinks they are stealing them as opposed to buying them.

  19. MARCdMan

    [re=283698]NoWireHangers[/re]: With all the radiation that the postal service hits congressional mail with, i’d be more worried that certain parts of my anatomy would turn blue and start to duplicate themselves.

  20. Larry McAwful

    I’d be more impressed if they put actual effort into real civil disturbance. You know, something like pouring milkshakes into the Potomac. That would make more sense, since I’ll bet more Americans drink milkshakes regularly than those who drink tea.

  21. Crank Tango

    Wouldn’t it be fun to hit them back with some teabags of our own tho? I would be more than happy to send Glenn “straight guy” Beck a picture of my coin purse for him to get deviant with.

    Truck nutz is tea bags 2. Also.

  22. charles demar

    [re=283690]chascates[/re]: And it was of course spelled wrong. “destroyig” the country, indeed.

  23. Deepthroat

    many WINS on this one. Vanilla Chai really brings out the snark in you beautiful people.

  24. Tommmcatt

    [re=283713]Hart88[/re]:

    I’m sure you can find one or two if you look hard enough in teh right neighborhoods…

  25. Redhead

    [re=283714]PerhapsSo[/re]: I was going to say that looks like the cheap tea you steal from hotel lobbies.

    I mean isn’t that where everyone’s living these days anyway since everyone’s homes got foreclosed and everyone’s cars got repossessed?

  26. gurukalehuru

    I like their generosi-tea
    these followers of Hanni-tea
    and how, despite their pover-tea
    they are donating bags of tea
    in defense of liber-tea
    they do not see
    the irony
    the absurdi-tea, inani-tea,
    complete illogicali-tea
    of sending tea bags through the mail,
    the U.S. Post – it’s EPIC FAIL

  27. bricks

    i would LOOOVE to put these dangleberries on the bridge of Michele Bachmann’s nose one good time.

    I think that would change our lives.

    What were we talking about again? Also?

  28. AllHat

    Forgive me, I missed the teabag thing. So, mailing a teabag to your senator is supposed to be some kind of revolutionary gesture, I’m guessing a reference to the Boston Tea Party? As far as historic metaphors go, that’s pretty sad.

  29. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=283716]Crank Tango[/re]: Best. Idea. Ever. We should start sending tea or turcknutz or coin purse pictures(?) to Rick Santelli and Glenn “I eat my own shit and live in a bunker” Beck.

  30. Madeline

    Tea bags? What a bunch of pansies. If they had balls they’d send dead fish to their reps. Like Rahm “Fucking” Emanuel.

    Although I suppose we should be grateful for their completely illogical embrace of tea, as it allows for endless teabagging jokes.

  31. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=283713]Hart88[/re]: Call me when they throw a Boston Single Malt Scotch party.

    What? Well, why not? They tax the hell outta that stuff.

  32. V572625694

    [re=283690]chascates[/re]: It’d be all right if they used the stimulus money to buy things named after Reagan. Otherwise: Kenyan socialism!

  33. Bliz

    Every variety pack of Bigelow teas comes with one Vanilla Chai teabag, as a “bonus”. I actually kind of hand it to these people for figuring out something to do with that damned teabag besides shove it to the back of the cabinet to be unearthed years later.

  34. WhatTheHeck

    Read my lips: No more tea bags!

    A tempest in a teacup doth spring forth from morans everywhere.

  35. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I was going to say that the Vanilla Chai was probably taken from a church basement pancake feed last Sunday.

  36. Woodwards Friend

    Is that a packet of chai tea? What kind of elitist Muslins are watching Glen Beck? Do they drive hybrids too?

  37. Crank Tango

    or maybe we could get them to take up the slogan “going to the mattresses” and convince them to mail tempur-pedics to congress in protest. and to me too. seriously, my mattress blows.

  38. Min

    If they ever start sending in my favorite tea, Bigelow Raspbery Royale, tell your staffer source to brew up a cup. It’s yummy.

  39. what tha?

    OK People! Why do all these goddam Chai-Swiling, Geo-driving Republicans have ALL the good ideas??

  40. freakishlystrong

    Silly Wingnuts, the Revolution was in November. Shit, we shoulda all mailed 40 ouncers of Malt Liquor, that would’ve shown em!

  41. kapish

    The original Boston Tea Party was a protest against the East India Company’s monopoly.
    This was, in effect, the first protest against what we now call “globalism”.
    The tariff-free tea from Britain’s huge East India Company was putting the local American tea wholesalers out of business.
    It was not a protest against government taxes.
    http://www.yesmagazine.org/article.asp?ID=555

  42. iolanthe

    [re=283717]charles demar[/re]: I caught the “destroyig”, too. What can you expect?

    Probably just failure to plan ahead, and he thought “destroyin” looked iggernt.

    From Idiocracy, the sign on:

    St. God’s Hosp
    i
    t
    a
    l

    (assuming format isn’t munged when I post this) was one of my favorite sly bits.

    And have you noticed how similar the handwriting is on the several samples of handwritten notes? It could well be one wingnut, several thousand bags of stolen hotel or food service tea, and lots of time. A fine new twist on the “Internet sockpuppet” tradition.

    Does anyone have a sample of Glenn Beck’s handwriting?

  43. 2druk2phluq

    [re=283694]gjdodger[/re]: I appreciate your effort, but that was fail. 95% of wingnuts say “Git awfs mah lawun,” and relieve intestinal pressure into colostomy bag.

  44. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=283726]gurukalehuru[/re]: Haha, that’s great. I can’t decide whether you’re pissing on the grave of ee cummings or archy the cockroach.

    [re=283745]Min[/re]: Ewww.

  45. sarcasticusername

    sometimes i wish these asshats would get what they keep wishing for and truly find out what living in a country without taxes would be like. take away such obviously communist things like roads, schools, the police, the military etc. that supposedly serve only to funnel their money to lazy poor people, and then maybe they’d quit their bitching about tyranical liberals taxing their imagined future wealth.

  46. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Well, given that there’s one lonely Stash packet, we can safely say that at least one of the teabaggers is gainfully employed. Or has a gay boyfriend.

  47. american mutt

    [re=283764]Patton[/re]: Like this:

    I guess you could say
    Puts on sunglasses
    They want freedom from “Tea”-ranny.

  48. binarian

    Yeah, great. A higher tax rate is killing our country, but loss of civil rights is so ho hum. Dolts.

  49. Hooray For Anything

    [re=283712]Larry McAwful[/re]: My milkshake brings all the Paultards to the yards

  50. SayItWithWookies

    [re=283741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Geeze — as though getting up early on a Sunday and not getting a mimosa wasn’t enough reason to stay away from church. There’d better be excellent tea in heaven for those poor bastards to tolerate the crap they’re drinking down here.

    [re=283768]sarcasticusername[/re]: They’re not opposed to the spending, just the taxing. Of course these are the same people who cheered Rick Santelli’s rant against “losers” who bought houses they couldn’t afford, so their math skills are up their with their self-awareness levels.

  51. EggplantParm

    [re=283687]ChernobylSoup[/re]: This would require getting off the couch and going outside. You don’t know Libtards very well, do you?

  52. PsycGirl

    [re=283741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I had figured that it was purchased with the aim of wowing a young woman that had been invited under some pretense. I just can’t think of a plausible pretense.

  53. mocowbell

    From the Boston Tea Party — to Teapot Dome — to Teapot Dumb. Welcome to the Endarkenment. Also.

  54. lulzmonger

    Let’s see now – so far their revolution consists of mailing tea-bags, holding brazenly moronic signs together, oh, & threatening to make less money on purpose while snivelling as hard as they can (you go, Galt-girlz!!1!!), so I find myself underwhelmed … but when they get matching satin jackets, LOOK OUT.

  55. jodyleek

    [re=283688]phineas_bounderby[/re]: Buy it? You mean stole from their office break room.

  56. TeddyS

    Okay, we give up! Stop tea-bagging us! We promise to give more tax breaks to really rich people! Please. Or at least send more orange pekoe and red raspberry zinger. We have enough vanilla chai.

  57. Zadig

    What is up with all these fake Teabagging Americans? Don’t they know Real Americans drink fucking coffee?

    If they came to Congress to hand-deliver these things, the mail clerk would drain the last of his mug of purest black coffee, and roar until their faggy vanilla-chai-drinking heads exploded.

  58. Accordion-o-rama

    Can someone mock up a picture of a pick-up truck with two teabags dangling from the hitch?

  59. cranky

    we’ve so distracted by the vanilla chai, we’ve failed to mock the person who put the teabag into a ziploc before sending it.

  60. S.Luggo

    [re=283698]NoWireHangers[/re]: As a precaution, Boehner’s office donates the tea bags to homeless shelters and terminal care hostels.

  61. Crank Tango

    Accordion-o-rama–sounds like a plan! Right now I am in the process of discovering that the blue flavored trucknutz really bring out the crazy in Michele Bachmann’s “eyes”

  62. Zadig

    [re=283846]cranky[/re]: Well, yeah. You wouldn’t want to risk the tea bag rupturing in transit.

    SCENARIO: White House mail clerk opens envelope, containing one (1) ziploc baggie containing a white, powdery substance. On bag, in sharpie, is written “plz open, you librul muslin traitor”[sic].

  63. TeddyS

    News flash from the Rightwingnutz Secret Globalization Front:

    April 1 (Bloomberg) — African tea prices for most grades rose for the third week at the world’s largest auction in the Kenyan port city of Mombasa, Africa Tea Brokers Ltd. said.

  64. mayhemily

    They should just be glad it isn’t angry libruls sending them tea…be nothing but loose leaf, and that’s crazy messy to deal with.

  65. TeddyS

    Omigod, I sent John Boehner and Mitch McConnell some loose leaf, thinking it was tea but it was really from my jar of weed. My bad. Maybe they’ll send it back.

  66. Georgia Burning

    [re=283768]sarcasticusername[/re]: That’s either Afghanistan or Wyoming. I’m sure a lot of the Liptons can be traced to a nursing home in Caspar with the chai stuff to some tranny cowboy doing a “purge”.

  67. wildturtlelove

    It’s time for REAL rebellion, tea-baggers! On to the next stage: go immediately to the nearest farmer’s market, street fair, or crafts gallery. Purchase any and all teapots, mugs, cups, sugar bowls and anything else related to teh teah. Extra points for raku ware, with a special nod to the Japanese tea ceremony. Be sure to select hand made pottery, check for finger marks and throw rings-no slip-cast or mold-made items, please. Wrap tightly in bubble wrap and box. Ship to congress.

    It’s a win-win. Huge boost for American potters, and finally something to put that tiny stimulus package/tea-bag in (as well as a big win for mailboxes-r-us). If you don’t happen to be a wing-nut crazy tea-bagger, go ahead and give a shout-out to potters everywhere and pick something up today, also, too.

  68. Gallowglass

    God I hate this tea bag bullshit. Yeah, ’cause its taxes that are destroying the country, we should just meet our budget by taking out ruinous generational loans from China. And the whole point of the first tea party was “no taxation without representation” which falls apart when you’re mailing the tea to your fucking representative. Is it too much to hope that these shitbirds are sterile?

  69. Spike

    There needs to be some kind of “Teabags 4 Abortions” organization set up somehow, so that for every teabag received by a congressional staffer, $10 is given to Planned Parenthood/NARAL/AbortionsRUs.

  70. Bruno

    Ha Ha. The British Tea Makers finally get their revenge. More tea bagging = more profits to pay off oustanding Boston tea party losses

  71. Bruno

    Let’s really fuck with them and spend some stimulus-tax money on the domestic tea industry. The cognitive dissonence will explode their brains

  72. Bruno

    [re=283955]Bruno[/re]: That was a mistake. It will just result in more murder-suicide sprees by tea importers

  73. Lazy Media

    Hopey should totally coopt the teabagger parties by hanging a sympathetic, “Yeah, aren’t taxes just AWFUL in these hard times? But necessary, huh?” video PSA on the Youtubes on April 15. Including in it an explanation of taxes having to be this high to pay back all the reckless borrowing of the Reagan and Bush years, and to fix all the neglected broken infrastructure. Beck and Hannity would plotz.

  74. 1ofUS

    brew a cup for the hardly working people
    lets drink to the derivatives
    lets think of the squandered trillions
    to buy leaders who are gamblers instead

    spare a thought for the stay at home voter
    his empty eyes gaze at strange beauty shows
    and a parade of the gray suited grafters
    a choice of Lipton or pay as you go

  75. DailyComicsReview

    This whole thing reeks of a government conspiracy to increase profits for the faltering US post office

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