FREEDOM BOMBS  11:12 am April 8, 2009

Teabags Of Doom Inundate Senate

by Sara K. Smith

Just put them in your mouth and suck on them for a while.Huzzah, another contribution from a brave Senate staffer who has suffered the terrible onslaught of anthrax (or “tea”) bags from voters who dislike taxes. All of these heavily irradiated teabags represent Freedom from Tyranny.

Note that many people opted not to send actual tea but just the little paper sleeve they came in, and one teabagger thought that a bag of fucking Vanilla Chai would really stick it to the man. This is the most terrifying bit of mail an elected official could hope to receive, besides maybe a goat’s head in a box.

Our informant, “Bilbo ‘Baggs,” tells us that this is a pretty representative haul from a typical mail run, which happens four or five times a day. Goodness gracious, that is a lot of anthrax to sort through.

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ManchuCandidate April 8, 2009 at 11:14 am

Why do I get the feeling the TeaBaggers were set up by Lipton?

arclight April 8, 2009 at 11:17 am

It drives me INSANE how these conservatards are so worried about their country getting ruined NOW but didn’t seem the slightest bit concerned when the foundations of our country were eroded over the last eight years.

And that Bigelow Vanilla Chai is really NOT good.

Schadenfried April 8, 2009 at 11:18 am

Obviously the people who sent the Bigelow and Stash teabags are pseudo-conservatives.

PortlandSmartAss April 8, 2009 at 11:18 am

You’ve gotta love the gun-totting Palin-lover, sipping some Vanilla-Chai Tea after skinning an elk and listening to a Paultard podcast.

stink, but April 8, 2009 at 11:18 am

Tea futures are up! Buy! Buy! Buy!

cranky April 8, 2009 at 11:19 am

vanilla chai! are the revolutionaries all gay hippies?

AngryBlakGuy April 8, 2009 at 11:19 am

[re=283673]ManchuCandidate[/re]: …shhhhit, I’m Lipton stocks as we speak!

NoWireHangers April 8, 2009 at 11:19 am


Wingnuts, ur doin’ it rong.

Guppy06 April 8, 2009 at 11:20 am

Because we need more staffers hopped up on caffeine?

ChernobylSoup April 8, 2009 at 11:20 am

Who knew Libertarians were into fancy flavored tea? I always reckoned they made their tea from tree bark.

phineas_bounderby April 8, 2009 at 11:21 am

Bigelow’s Chai may not be that good, but you have to realize what an evolutionary leap it was for a mouthbreathing wingnut to actually go into a store and buy it.

Come here a minute April 8, 2009 at 11:21 am

[re=283673]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Or maybe by Senate interns with sore throats. Next up, getting wingnuts to send honey.

I’m just a little black rain cloud
hovering under the honey tree,
Only a little black rain cloud,
pay no attention to little me.

chascates April 8, 2009 at 11:21 am

“You are destroying my country”

How the hell do they think things get paid for? Warships, abstinence programs, and monuments don’t grow on trees.

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2009 at 11:22 am

Evidence clearly shows that, rather than buy their own tea most teabaggers just send in tea they’ve stolen from work.

Cape Clod April 8, 2009 at 11:22 am

[re=283673]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I see the withered corporate hand of the British East India Company behind this. They went underground years ago, like the Illuminati.

Guppy06 April 8, 2009 at 11:23 am

If only we could get the Red Staters to start sending sugar packets and powdered creamer as well.

gjdodger April 8, 2009 at 11:26 am

[re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Really? I figured they just came up from the basement and got it from their moms.

mercure April 8, 2009 at 11:26 am

If I were the US government, I’d be looking over my shoulder nervously whenever I was out in the open. Those chai drinkers are hardcore, man, retribution is coming.

tiger April 8, 2009 at 11:27 am

Wait, so wingnuts think tea is money now? Is THAT what Bachman was going on about?!

NoWireHangers April 8, 2009 at 11:29 am

Do you think the staffers dare each other to drink possibly poisoned wingnut tea?

DoctorCulturae April 8, 2009 at 11:30 am

[re=283676]arclight[/re]: win.

To gloss J. Stewart from last night: Sorry wingnuts, this isn’t some fantasy about tyranny and your childish efforts to resurrect the true intention of the founding fathers, you guys lost, democratically. Get a pacifier and suck it. What is going on now is called a CLEAN UP.

Hopemaster is the guy at the circus with the shovel and pail following the elephant parade.

NoWireHangers April 8, 2009 at 11:30 am

The problem with teabaggers’ tea is that no matter the flavor the tea always tastes bitter.

norbizness April 8, 2009 at 11:32 am

Now if they were just to throw James Lipton into the Boston Harbor, preferably while he was interviewing Ice-T.

wheelie April 8, 2009 at 11:34 am

[re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: LOL. I think this is true. Or else they send stuff that they bought on a whim this one time, but then realized nobody would ever use.

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2009 at 11:36 am

[re=283694]gjdodger[/re]: I refuse to believe that actual humans buy — much less consume, unless by accident — Lipton or Bigelow tea. Corporations, on the other hand, love to stock their kitchens with them — since they taste like sour dirt, one box will last almost forever.

Litlebritdifrnt April 8, 2009 at 11:37 am


Vanilla Chai is the kind of thing next to the fancy coffees at Gas stations, well that and Liptons, (I am a tea drinker and always looking for the tea bags), methinks they are stealing them as opposed to buying them.

MARCdMan April 8, 2009 at 11:37 am

[re=283698]NoWireHangers[/re]: With all the radiation that the postal service hits congressional mail with, i’d be more worried that certain parts of my anatomy would turn blue and start to duplicate themselves.

Larry McAwful April 8, 2009 at 11:39 am

I’d be more impressed if they put actual effort into real civil disturbance. You know, something like pouring milkshakes into the Potomac. That would make more sense, since I’ll bet more Americans drink milkshakes regularly than those who drink tea.

Hart88 April 8, 2009 at 11:40 am

If only there had been a Boston Meth Party…

PerhapsSo April 8, 2009 at 11:40 am

[re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You assume they all have jobs.

NoWireHangers April 8, 2009 at 11:41 am

[re=283711]MARCdMan[/re]: Depending on the “part” that could be a good thing…

Crank Tango April 8, 2009 at 11:41 am

Wouldn’t it be fun to hit them back with some teabags of our own tho? I would be more than happy to send Glenn “straight guy” Beck a picture of my coin purse for him to get deviant with.

Truck nutz is tea bags 2. Also.

charles demar April 8, 2009 at 11:42 am

[re=283690]chascates[/re]: And it was of course spelled wrong. “destroyig” the country, indeed.

cranky April 8, 2009 at 11:43 am

is there somewhere i can send used condoms in protest?

Deepthroat April 8, 2009 at 11:44 am

many WINS on this one. Vanilla Chai really brings out the snark in you beautiful people.

Tommmcatt April 8, 2009 at 11:45 am


I’m sure you can find one or two if you look hard enough in teh right neighborhoods…

Monsieur Grumpe April 8, 2009 at 11:46 am

World’s biggest iced tea? Somebody call Guinness.

Redhead April 8, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=283714]PerhapsSo[/re]: I was going to say that looks like the cheap tea you steal from hotel lobbies.

I mean isn’t that where everyone’s living these days anyway since everyone’s homes got foreclosed and everyone’s cars got repossessed?

gurukalehuru April 8, 2009 at 11:46 am

I like their generosi-tea
these followers of Hanni-tea
and how, despite their pover-tea
they are donating bags of tea
in defense of liber-tea
they do not see
the irony
the absurdi-tea, inani-tea,
complete illogicali-tea
of sending tea bags through the mail,
the U.S. Post – it’s EPIC FAIL

bricks April 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

i would LOOOVE to put these dangleberries on the bridge of Michele Bachmann’s nose one good time.

I think that would change our lives.

What were we talking about again? Also?

AllHat April 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

Forgive me, I missed the teabag thing. So, mailing a teabag to your senator is supposed to be some kind of revolutionary gesture, I’m guessing a reference to the Boston Tea Party? As far as historic metaphors go, that’s pretty sad.

gurukalehuru April 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

You can’t spell TAXES without TEA!!!

Mad Farmer Manifest April 8, 2009 at 11:52 am

[re=283716]Crank Tango[/re]: Best. Idea. Ever. We should start sending tea or turcknutz or coin purse pictures(?) to Rick Santelli and Glenn “I eat my own shit and live in a bunker” Beck.

Madeline April 8, 2009 at 11:52 am

Tea bags? What a bunch of pansies. If they had balls they’d send dead fish to their reps. Like Rahm “Fucking” Emanuel.

Although I suppose we should be grateful for their completely illogical embrace of tea, as it allows for endless teabagging jokes.

impmama April 8, 2009 at 11:52 am

charles demar: Hooked on Phonics – he may have a cold.

Lascauxcaveman April 8, 2009 at 11:53 am

[re=283713]Hart88[/re]: Call me when they throw a Boston Single Malt Scotch party.

What? Well, why not? They tax the hell outta that stuff.

V572625694 April 8, 2009 at 11:55 am

[re=283690]chascates[/re]: It’d be all right if they used the stimulus money to buy things named after Reagan. Otherwise: Kenyan socialism!

Bliz April 8, 2009 at 11:55 am

Every variety pack of Bigelow teas comes with one Vanilla Chai teabag, as a “bonus”. I actually kind of hand it to these people for figuring out something to do with that damned teabag besides shove it to the back of the cabinet to be unearthed years later.

WhatTheHeck April 8, 2009 at 11:55 am

Read my lips: No more tea bags!

A tempest in a teacup doth spring forth from morans everywhere.

AnnieGetYourFun April 8, 2009 at 11:56 am

[re=283691]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I was going to say that the Vanilla Chai was probably taken from a church basement pancake feed last Sunday.

Woodwards Friend April 8, 2009 at 11:56 am

Is that a packet of chai tea? What kind of elitist Muslins are watching Glen Beck? Do they drive hybrids too?

Crank Tango April 8, 2009 at 11:57 am

or maybe we could get them to take up the slogan “going to the mattresses” and convince them to mail tempur-pedics to congress in protest. and to me too. seriously, my mattress blows.

Min April 8, 2009 at 11:57 am

If they ever start sending in my favorite tea, Bigelow Raspbery Royale, tell your staffer source to brew up a cup. It’s yummy.

what tha? April 8, 2009 at 11:58 am

OK People! Why do all these goddam Chai-Swiling, Geo-driving Republicans have ALL the good ideas??

donner_froh April 8, 2009 at 11:59 am

Freedom from Tranny? What right thinking American would want that?

Rush April 8, 2009 at 11:59 am

Can we Blingee teabags?

Hooray For Anything April 8, 2009 at 12:01 pm

I bet you’ve been sitting around and wondering what ACORN has to do with all of this so here it is– according to the WingNuts (and Fox News), ACORN is planning on sabotaging the events and, fueled by George Soros’s money, have sent in undercover agents to infiltrate the Tea Bag Movement and shut it down.

Oh, when will the tyranny of ACORN ever end?

freakishlystrong April 8, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Silly Wingnuts, the Revolution was in November. Shit, we shoulda all mailed 40 ouncers of Malt Liquor, that would’ve shown em!

kapish April 8, 2009 at 12:08 pm

The original Boston Tea Party was a protest against the East India Company’s monopoly.
This was, in effect, the first protest against what we now call “globalism”.
The tariff-free tea from Britain’s huge East India Company was putting the local American tea wholesalers out of business.
It was not a protest against government taxes.

iolanthe April 8, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=283717]charles demar[/re]: I caught the “destroyig”, too. What can you expect?

Probably just failure to plan ahead, and he thought “destroyin” looked iggernt.

From Idiocracy, the sign on:

St. God’s Hosp

(assuming format isn’t munged when I post this) was one of my favorite sly bits.

And have you noticed how similar the handwriting is on the several samples of handwritten notes? It could well be one wingnut, several thousand bags of stolen hotel or food service tea, and lots of time. A fine new twist on the “Internet sockpuppet” tradition.

Does anyone have a sample of Glenn Beck’s handwriting?

2druk2phluq April 8, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=283694]gjdodger[/re]: I appreciate your effort, but that was fail. 95% of wingnuts say “Git awfs mah lawun,” and relieve intestinal pressure into colostomy bag.

Mustang April 8, 2009 at 12:10 pm

[re=283750]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Acorn Chai!!!

Lascauxcaveman April 8, 2009 at 12:11 pm

[re=283726]gurukalehuru[/re]: Haha, that’s great. I can’t decide whether you’re pissing on the grave of ee cummings or archy the cockroach.

[re=283745]Min[/re]: Ewww.

NoWireHangers April 8, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Ruh roh! Maybe the tea baggers have gone too far…

Patton April 8, 2009 at 12:14 pm

How about freedom from “Tea”-ranny?
/bad pun

bitchincamaro April 8, 2009 at 12:14 pm

You want doom? Here’s some real doom:

sarcasticusername April 8, 2009 at 12:17 pm

sometimes i wish these asshats would get what they keep wishing for and truly find out what living in a country without taxes would be like. take away such obviously communist things like roads, schools, the police, the military etc. that supposedly serve only to funnel their money to lazy poor people, and then maybe they’d quit their bitching about tyranical liberals taxing their imagined future wealth.

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 8, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Well, given that there’s one lonely Stash packet, we can safely say that at least one of the teabaggers is gainfully employed. Or has a gay boyfriend.

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 8, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[re=283761]NoWireHangers[/re]: Grab your Go-Kits and KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE!

american mutt April 8, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=283764]Patton[/re]: Like this:

I guess you could say
Puts on sunglasses
They want freedom from “Tea”-ranny.

binarian April 8, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Yeah, great. A higher tax rate is killing our country, but loss of civil rights is so ho hum. Dolts.

Hooray For Anything April 8, 2009 at 12:22 pm

[re=283712]Larry McAwful[/re]: My milkshake brings all the Paultards to the yards

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2009 at 12:29 pm

[re=283741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Geeze — as though getting up early on a Sunday and not getting a mimosa wasn’t enough reason to stay away from church. There’d better be excellent tea in heaven for those poor bastards to tolerate the crap they’re drinking down here.

[re=283768]sarcasticusername[/re]: They’re not opposed to the spending, just the taxing. Of course these are the same people who cheered Rick Santelli’s rant against “losers” who bought houses they couldn’t afford, so their math skills are up their with their self-awareness levels.

EggplantParm April 8, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=283687]ChernobylSoup[/re]: This would require getting off the couch and going outside. You don’t know Libtards very well, do you?

PsycGirl April 8, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=283741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I had figured that it was purchased with the aim of wowing a young woman that had been invited under some pretense. I just can’t think of a plausible pretense.

Crank Tango April 8, 2009 at 12:38 pm

^^OK this was the best I could do since it is true that I suck it photoshop.

BklynIlluminati April 8, 2009 at 12:41 pm

[re=283692]Cape Clod[/re]: Its called the subway Dammit!

mocowbell April 8, 2009 at 12:42 pm

From the Boston Tea Party — to Teapot Dome — to Teapot Dumb. Welcome to the Endarkenment. Also.

heroinmule April 8, 2009 at 12:46 pm

Odd, Vanilla Chai is for communists and faggots. I think this person is confused.

arclight April 8, 2009 at 12:58 pm

[re=283699]DoctorCulturae[/re]: *bow*

lulzmonger April 8, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Let’s see now – so far their revolution consists of mailing tea-bags, holding brazenly moronic signs together, oh, & threatening to make less money on purpose while snivelling as hard as they can (you go, Galt-girlz!!1!!), so I find myself underwhelmed … but when they get matching satin jackets, LOOK OUT.

jodyleek April 8, 2009 at 1:02 pm

[re=283688]phineas_bounderby[/re]: Buy it? You mean stole from their office break room.

TeddyS April 8, 2009 at 1:03 pm

Okay, we give up! Stop tea-bagging us! We promise to give more tax breaks to really rich people! Please. Or at least send more orange pekoe and red raspberry zinger. We have enough vanilla chai.

Zadig April 8, 2009 at 1:09 pm

What is up with all these fake Teabagging Americans? Don’t they know Real Americans drink fucking coffee?

If they came to Congress to hand-deliver these things, the mail clerk would drain the last of his mug of purest black coffee, and roar until their faggy vanilla-chai-drinking heads exploded.

ifthethunderdontgetya" April 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Tags: st00pit, dumbass, wingnutz

Accordion-o-rama April 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Can someone mock up a picture of a pick-up truck with two teabags dangling from the hitch?

cranky April 8, 2009 at 1:17 pm

we’ve so distracted by the vanilla chai, we’ve failed to mock the person who put the teabag into a ziploc before sending it.

S.Luggo April 8, 2009 at 1:21 pm

[re=283698]NoWireHangers[/re]: As a precaution, Boehner’s office donates the tea bags to homeless shelters and terminal care hostels.

Crank Tango April 8, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Accordion-o-rama–sounds like a plan! Right now I am in the process of discovering that the blue flavored trucknutz really bring out the crazy in Michele Bachmann’s “eyes”

ifthethunderdontgetya" April 8, 2009 at 1:23 pm

You Are Destroying My Country.

No More TEXAS!

Zadig April 8, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=283846]cranky[/re]: Well, yeah. You wouldn’t want to risk the tea bag rupturing in transit.

SCENARIO: White House mail clerk opens envelope, containing one (1) ziploc baggie containing a white, powdery substance. On bag, in sharpie, is written “plz open, you librul muslin traitor”[sic].

TeddyS April 8, 2009 at 1:25 pm

News flash from the Rightwingnutz Secret Globalization Front:

April 1 (Bloomberg) — African tea prices for most grades rose for the third week at the world’s largest auction in the Kenyan port city of Mombasa, Africa Tea Brokers Ltd. said.

mayhemily April 8, 2009 at 1:29 pm

They should just be glad it isn’t angry libruls sending them tea…be nothing but loose leaf, and that’s crazy messy to deal with.

cranky April 8, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=283856]Zadig[/re]: i believe it is spelt “trader”.

TeddyS April 8, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Omigod, I sent John Boehner and Mitch McConnell some loose leaf, thinking it was tea but it was really from my jar of weed. My bad. Maybe they’ll send it back.

Georgia Burning April 8, 2009 at 1:43 pm

[re=283768]sarcasticusername[/re]: That’s either Afghanistan or Wyoming. I’m sure a lot of the Liptons can be traced to a nursing home in Caspar with the chai stuff to some tranny cowboy doing a “purge”.

wildturtlelove April 8, 2009 at 1:46 pm

It’s time for REAL rebellion, tea-baggers! On to the next stage: go immediately to the nearest farmer’s market, street fair, or crafts gallery. Purchase any and all teapots, mugs, cups, sugar bowls and anything else related to teh teah. Extra points for raku ware, with a special nod to the Japanese tea ceremony. Be sure to select hand made pottery, check for finger marks and throw rings-no slip-cast or mold-made items, please. Wrap tightly in bubble wrap and box. Ship to congress.

It’s a win-win. Huge boost for American potters, and finally something to put that tiny stimulus package/tea-bag in (as well as a big win for mailboxes-r-us). If you don’t happen to be a wing-nut crazy tea-bagger, go ahead and give a shout-out to potters everywhere and pick something up today, also, too.

Gallowglass April 8, 2009 at 1:55 pm

God I hate this tea bag bullshit. Yeah, ’cause its taxes that are destroying the country, we should just meet our budget by taking out ruinous generational loans from China. And the whole point of the first tea party was “no taxation without representation” which falls apart when you’re mailing the tea to your fucking representative. Is it too much to hope that these shitbirds are sterile?

Spike April 8, 2009 at 2:12 pm

There needs to be some kind of “Teabags 4 Abortions” organization set up somehow, so that for every teabag received by a congressional staffer, $10 is given to Planned Parenthood/NARAL/AbortionsRUs.

Deepthroat April 8, 2009 at 2:15 pm

[re=283748]Rush[/re]: ummm, this is the best i could come up with…

Bruno April 8, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Ha Ha. The British Tea Makers finally get their revenge. More tea bagging = more profits to pay off oustanding Boston tea party losses

Bruno April 8, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Let’s really fuck with them and spend some stimulus-tax money on the domestic tea industry. The cognitive dissonence will explode their brains

Bruno April 8, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=283955]Bruno[/re]: That was a mistake. It will just result in more murder-suicide sprees by tea importers

Lazy Media April 8, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Hopey should totally coopt the teabagger parties by hanging a sympathetic, “Yeah, aren’t taxes just AWFUL in these hard times? But necessary, huh?” video PSA on the Youtubes on April 15. Including in it an explanation of taxes having to be this high to pay back all the reckless borrowing of the Reagan and Bush years, and to fix all the neglected broken infrastructure. Beck and Hannity would plotz.

1ofUS April 8, 2009 at 3:28 pm

brew a cup for the hardly working people
lets drink to the derivatives
lets think of the squandered trillions
to buy leaders who are gamblers instead

spare a thought for the stay at home voter
his empty eyes gaze at strange beauty shows
and a parade of the gray suited grafters
a choice of Lipton or pay as you go

Itsjustme April 8, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Vanilla Chai — How nice…

iwillsavethispatient April 8, 2009 at 10:59 pm

[re=283741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Pancakes during Lent?? Sinners!

DailyComicsReview April 13, 2009 at 6:20 pm

This whole thing reeks of a government conspiracy to increase profits for the faltering US post office

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