What A Teabag Anthrax Attack Looks Like

  teabaggers

A Senate staffer has heeded our call for pictures of Tea Party teabagger anthrax threat letters, and here we are. For those of you who are no longer able to decipher human handwriting, it reads, “THE SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY,” and is written on the inside of the envelope. The tea… what is that, Lipton’s? Standard Lipton’s? Why that tea should make a delicious 3 o’clock treat for this lucky staffer.

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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129 comments

  1. chascates

    At least it wasn’t some wussy herbal tisane or something. Good, strong All-American tea!
    And many consider the ‘War of Northern Aggression’ to be the second American revolution.

  2. Too Lazy To Sign In

    Those Wingnuts wouldn’t know a decent bag of tea if it slapped them on the chin.

    At least get some Sleepytime Tea for effect.

    C’mon people! Let’s get our heads back in the game!

  3. LittlePig

    THE SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY

    Sure it is, Chuckles, sure it is….


  4. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=283267]LittlePig[/re]: It will be “funny” when the Army kills this person.

  5. JesseJB

    In all seriousness, when are we going to treat these things as legitimate threats to the government?

  6. Cape Clod

    I hope these pointless, idiotic protests are at least making these asshats feel better.

  7. Atheist Nun

    So… uh, teabaggers?
    Chances are that a “revolution” against your own country will result in you all being shot by the military. But, Hey! Good luck with that! Can’t wait to watch it on the teevee… it’s a slow news week, so if you could speed up the retardation, that would be great!

  8. Cicada

    I hope this revolution will be televised. I’ve got some popcorn and a bum jug ready, just in case.

  9. loudmouthredhead

    Would make a tasty treat for a staffer, if it hadn’t been gently squeezed between a freeper’s butt cheeks prior to mailing.

  10. wheelie

    “A very real possibility”? That’s some edgy sloganeering. It’s even more feisty than “A second revolution is something which cannot be absolutely ruled out, at this point in time.”

  11. NoWireHangers

    Hmmmm, a hatred of taxes. Allusions to the Boston Tea Party. Talk of a backwards E revolution…

    My spider sense may be off but this envelope manifesto seems awfully Paultardian.

  12. The Helvetica Scenario

    They didn’t even take it out of the package?

    [re=283285]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Yeah, but that’s true of anything they mail.

  13. Lascauxcaveman

    Lipton? I’d send ‘em some Stash Organic Earl Grey Extra Bergamot tea bags.

    No, I guess I wouldn’t. If I had some of that I’d put it in m’d y little tin box, as a backup in case I ever ran out of the really good loose tea I usually guzzle. I send mail some of the ridiculous herb teas people give me when they hear I’m a tea drinker.

    (I mean, WTF? Blackberry Hibiscus Ginseng? Um… great. What planet are you people from?)

  14. L.A. Trash

    If they’re planning on fighting the US they probably shouldn’t have spent the last eight years supporting increased defense spending. Whoops!

  15. ShaqsDong

    [re=283288]NoWireHangers[/re]: The Paultards of ’07 are the mainstream Republican Party of ’09. Only with more desire to blow up brown people and less desire to get high.

  16. loudmouthredhead

    I really would have found this more entertaining is they had sent SPAM in a pouch. That at least would have been a non-perishable, revolution-surviving kind of gift that a thoughtful survivalist would use to show they care.

  17. Zadig

    The Second American Revolution is such a VERY REAL POSSIBILITY, in fact, that it ALREADY FUCKING HAPPENED. Nobody, it seems, remembers the fucking Civil War anymore. I sure as hell haven’t, because these fuckers here in Tennessee will NEVAR 4GET, and put Confederate flag decals on their trucks and dirtbikes, because Tennessee was totally part of the confederacy, right? And a lot of them INSIST on calling it the Second American Revolution.

    So, no. I can definitely rule out the Second Amurrican Revolution happening any time soon, except in the event of a time warp.

  18. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=283288]NoWireHangers[/re]: Hmmmmm, a hatred of taxes. I was watching the movie “Gandhi” with my kids last night, and my eldest said, “Hey, the Indians were trying to gain independence from Britain, just like us.”

    I said, “Yes, except the Indians were 350 million starving brown people who had suffered two centuries under the brutal, crushing boot heel of British colonialism. We American revolutionaries were a couple thousand white folks getting pissy about paying our taxes.”

  19. DustBowlBlues

    [re=283292]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: My fave is Scottish Breakfast from Taylor’s of Harrogate. I order by the kilo.

    Seriously, is the right finally just spinning themselves into oblivion? And if they are really serious about the revolution, perhaps we shouldn’t get too hasty about shutting gitmo.

  20. shortsshortsshorts

    Can they please get the re-education camps up for fucks sake? NOW, please? THANKS.

  21. Gopherit

    [re=283288]NoWireHangers[/re]: exactly. fortunately, sedition is a crime. Put the fuckers on their blimp with their gold and send them south where they won’t see Ameros….maybe antarctica.

  22. Bruno

    Those look like WHITE, possibly MALE fingers. I’m on to you Staffer, you’d better do a better job of keeping your identity to yourself!

  23. Gopherit

    [re=283287]wheelie[/re]: it was better than,”The second revolution: You know it maybe could happen after all,” but not as awesome as, “The Second Revolution: The Bell Tolls for Thee.”

  24. Lazy Media

    [re=283301]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Meh. The moguls crushed the Hindus WAY harder than the Brits ever did, and the grinding heel of the British ended endemic warfare on the subcontinent for those 200 years, too. The Indian revolt was, like ours, led by rich people who got radicalized because the Brits wouldn’t let them in their clubs.

    If it weren’t for snobbery, the British Empire would still exist. They really were excellent administrators, and generally raised the standard of living for the poor wherever they went. If you want horrific, murderous, slave-driving colonialists, you really need to go to Belgium.

  25. Mad Farmer Manifest

    I was told by Free Republic to “TEA BAG THE LIBERAL DEMS BEFORE THEY TEA BAG YOU”. I know this site is full of those Liberal ‘Dems’. So when do I get to tea bag one of you persons before you repay the favor by tea bagging me? Where is the gay mutual ball sucking that Free Republic promised me? Where?

  26. Bruno

    [re=283288]NoWireHangers[/re]: Yes, only Paultards would write in what appears to be a fountain pen. The lack of efficiency is impressive.

  27. Bruno

    Under Dubya, the whiff of revolution* would send you to G-Bay.

    *of course revolution is bad, but “freedom fighting” is good & these guys are clearly freedom fighters

  28. Lazy Media

    Tea is for effete British wankers, as was definitively established in 1773. Americans drink COFFEE, goddammit. What is up with these wingnuts and their tea? OooOOOooh, we’re being threatened by TEA drinkers. They should send in pulltabs from PBR cans if they want to impress somebody.

  29. Uncle Glenny

    [re=283292]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’ve had that problem at restaurants that think they are being fancy. Once I was read a long list of things that sounded like ingredients for pagan spells, and asked, “Don’t you have any *real* tea?” They did – something like Salada or Lipton.

    Everyone with me told me I was rude. (I told them they were assholes.)

    I used to get Kenya (broad leaf Marinyn estate) by the kilo but cut back my caffeine several years ago so now just get a couple different green teas by the kilo.

  30. Violenza

    Did anyone mention that all those words are spelled correctly? Amazing! Somebody’s been readin their dickshunairy.

  31. wheelie

    [re=283314]Gopherit[/re]: “The second revolution is coming! Or at least it’s likely! Or perhaps not! But! It’s probability is not statistically negligible!”

  32. Servo

    “You may already be Republican Clearing House’s new Lucky Revolutionary.”
    -Ed McMahon

  33. comradepaulson

    What kind of fucking second revolution starts off by sending someone the beginnings of a tasty beverage? What the fuck? What kind of strategy is this, to want the other side highly caffeinated?

    You send a severed horse head or you don’t send nothing.

  34. NoWireHangers

    [re=283318]Bruno[/re]: Under Dubya, the whiff of revolution* would send you to G-Bay.

    It’s a shame isn’t it? Ironic too.

  35. chascates

    [re=283331]comradepaulson[/re]: If they don’t take the hint then you send them the sugar cookies.

  36. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=283331]comradepaulson[/re]: Seriously if they want a god damn revolution they should pick up their guns and shoot at government officials, like Bachmann.

  37. nowayinhell

    These Tea People have no credibility until they storm a few ships, in Indian costume, and destroy crates of Lipton tea with their axes and hatchets. Then I’ll be impressed.

  38. DeathOfIrony

    Tea-bagging…heh….the unintentional hilarity continues. How much does it cost to mail a tube-steak? That will be next I’m sure. Somebody should recommend that to the freepers.

    Or they could send TeLepRompterZ….

    ACORN

  39. torera

    Has nobody noticed that every word is spelled correctly? These people are obviously serious.

  40. Rary Guppert

    man. fun’s fun but these people are starting to fucking scare the hell out of me. seriously. serial shooting sprees, outing spies, michele bachmann openly advocating treason, and now this.

    i can see why they’re so fond of calling everyone “terrorists.” textbook case of projection.

  41. wheelie

    [re=283322]Uncle Glenny[/re]: I call it ‘real’ tea too. Or ‘normal’ tea. Or ‘straight-acting’ tea.

  42. comradepaulson

    [re=283345]Rary Guppert[/re]: Bachmann may be scary, but the teabaggers are just silly. They pay to buy the box of teabags, send ‘em off to Congress… so Congress gets free tea. It’s the reverse tea party. It’s stupendously retarded.

    This is the same group of jack-offs who poured French wine down the drain and renamed “French Fries” cause they stupidly thought the French would give two shits. And to do so, THEY FUCKING HAD TO BUY FRENCH WINE and GIVE THE FRENCH MONEY!

  43. Servo

    We can all dress like Dale Earnhart Jr. to confuse the shit outta them. They wouldn’t shoot Junior, would they?

  44. One Yield Regular

    [re=283300]Zadig[/re]: You mean as opposed to the more genteel term, “The Late Unpleasantness,” preferred by some elderly Southerners (as related in Tony Horwitz’s great book “Confederates in the Attic”).

    [re=283356]comradepaulson[/re]: Exacallacally. Yo, tea-baggers, keep sending the tea! Like pretty much all conservative “activism,” this stunt will primarily benefit China.

  45. MGBYG

    “The Second Revolution is Coming! Also!!!1!!!!!!”

    “The Second Revolution…in What Sense, Charley?”

    “The Second Revolution is Coming…Just Before the Rapture”

    “The Second Revolution is Coming and Tea-Bagging her too”

    “The Second Revolution…symbolized by a warmed drink that is consumed more-so by those whom we beat in the first revolution, cause we mainly drink coffee here in the morning, with a fine doughnut, too”

  46. Spiderfrommars

    [re=283331]comradepaulson[/re]: Clearly, just like the American Revolution I, ANGLICANS are behind this. You doubt me? Consider the Anglican Inquisition: Cake or Death!

    QED

  47. comradepaulson

    [re=283376]Spiderfrommars[/re]: Beware the hordes of tea-drinking Episcopalians! They will storm the Capital and politely ask for a meeting!

    Clearly, this revolution is missing a South Vietnamese Buddhist influence. What it needs is for someone to set themselves on fire. This will, in all likelihood, happen when one of their meth labs blows up in their face.

  48. El Pinche

    Awwwww, look at the little wingnuts playing make-believe terrorists!

    Under a full-blown Bush administration (circa 2003, Beck’s favorite era), they’d label them terrorists, round these teabaggers up, send them to gitmo, and waterboard them with their own piss.

  49. bitchincamaro

    [re=283292]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Ha. I used to drink Fenugreke(?) for a cold. Made me smell like empty garbage bags. So I guess it worked.

  50. Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=283383]comradepaulson[/re]: As a lifelong Episcopalian, I can assure you that we do not get all het up about tea. However, if you run out of gin during the cocktail hour, it becomes something of a different matter.

  51. Min

    Too bad they didn’t include a packet of Sweet’n’Low with the teabag. Then we really would have had an anthrax scare.

  52. masterdebater

    Tea? Oh, sure! It’s probably really full of marijuana, so that when they try to brew up a free cup…BINGO! They’re hooked! Very clever, those republicans!

  53. loudensspam

    I certainly hope that IF history judges Obama in a favorable light – which my gut says so – these idiots will look back on this with much more shame than I have for any seventh grade picture of me in braces, bell bottom jeans and a velour pull over from KMart.

  54. Jukesgrrl

    Organic Earl Grey Extra Bergamot, Taylor’s of Harrogate, Typhoo and Yorkshire Gold?? Gimme a break, you Elitists. These Paultards buy in bulk at Sam’s Club. And they’ve probably stuffed these Lipton teabags back in their little paper wrappers after they’ve used them.

    I do find it hilarious that to enact their little protest, they have to buy STAMPS. It must gall them.

  55. Willie Down

    hmmm… Lipton is an English tea company. Shouldn’t they be sending in American tea if now that it’s an American government slated to be overthrown? Just to keep the symbolism straight.

  56. Hooray For Anything

    [re=283315]Lazy Media[/re]: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the British ever done for us?

  57. j6n

    You can’t just have tea. I’m stuffing cucumber sandwiches in envelopes right now. Who’s with me?

  58. badmuthagoose

    Dear God, that handwriting is exactly like my father in law’s. And no joke, he’s a Paultard.

  59. SayItWithWookies

    [re=283376]Spiderfrommars[/re]: Everyone expects the Anglican Inquisition — but since it arrives five minutes early, it still takes them by surprise.

  60. j6n

    [re=283420]Willie Down[/re]: I don’t know, but I’m buying some Unilever stock (UL) this has meme written all over it.

  61. Cranky Old Batt

    wait, Lipton? (blech!) Not Red Zinger? The Red Zinger Revolution has a nice ring to it.

  62. 2druk2phluq

    All of this talk of tea bagging is making me wistful for the commencement of Obama’s plan to make homosexuality and lesbianism mandatory in his new gay fascist state. Do we have to wait until the economic crisis is over to open teh gayification camps? I hope the wingnuts understand that they will be the teabagees, since they opposed the ALMIGHTY POWER of Hussein the Super Brown Shirt Muslin Beloved One.

  63. j6n

    [re=283441]Cranky Old Batt[/re]: How about Tazo Tea? They have great names:

    The “Green Ginger” Revolution
    The “Wild Sweet Orange” Revolution

  64. 2druk2phluq

    [re=283384]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: That article is porn for stakeholders in the US prison industrial complex. CCA – bringing back slavery one unpaid fine at a time.

  65. sarcasticusername

    jon stewart says truck nuts, and wonkette rejoices! perhaps i’m mistaken but i think the earth just trembled when he did that; or maybe i just live in italy.

  66. arkitoothus

    I read something about Lipton having re-education camps where the workers slave for low wages but receive good health care. Somewhere in Minnesota. I can’t remember…

  67. arkitoothus

    I heard that Lipton has re-education camps where they enslave workers for low pay yet extensive healthcare. I think it was somewhere in Minnesota.

  68. Cranky Old Batt

    [re=283446]j6n[/re]: Seriously. At least then it would be merikan tea. Like [re=283420]Willie Down[/re] said.

    [re=283322]Uncle Glenny[/re]: I won’t ask how you know what goes into pagan spells, instead I shall just slyly wink in your general direction after lmao at your tea story.

  69. Harvey Birdman

    [re=283444]comradepaulson[/re]: I came here specifically to celebrate the TruckNutz.

  70. jaba the slut

    I can imagine these tea-bags being solemnly collected by the various hill staffers, then taken to a vast room like the one at the end of that Indiana Jones movies. This tea is a quiet secret of immense power, best lost in obscurity lest it sheathe our faces off with its supernatural fire and force.

    STRONG TEA! TEA IS STRONG11111111!!!!!!!!
    TEA HELPED ME TO SAVE ALZHEIMERS AND ALSO WITH PERPETUAL BACK CHRONIC.
    I HAVE USED FOR CURING LOMBAGO AND ON SCALP FOR THE HAIR.
    NOT FOR ICE-TEA, ICE TEA MAKES THE CHILDREN INTO GAY.

  71. sezme

    [re=283420]Willie Down[/re]: Yes, looks the the American Revolutionary hasn’t gotten any smarter since the last revolution. Although come to think of it, I guess the first “Tea Party” made some sense since unlike this bunch they didn’t actually pay for the English (Chinese/Indian) tea they threw away. But they did dress up as Natives because what the fuck?

  72. CivicHoliday

    [re=283384]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: JESUS christ. Dubai is a hell hole and will soon be swallowed by the desert. Hopefully all those piece of shit exploitative expats will drown in sand along with the Emeratis.

  73. hobospacejunkie

    [re=283292]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Lipton? I’d send ‘em some Stash Organic Earl Grey Extra Bergamot tea bags.

    You’re my long lost twin they never told me about! (I’m adopted.) Jesus christ that’s the tea I drink. Um, well, maybe not. I steep loose tea, not bags. Oh well. Maybe we’re cousins.

  74. hobospacejunkie

    [re=283292]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Oh wait, you do drink loose tea! I should read the whole damn comment before peeing in my pants. So maybe we are long lost twins. Hell, for all I know you’re my birthfather fucking with me.

  75. Scandinavian Fetus

    I can never open a sealed envelope like that. Usually, it is cut open from the top such that the message would have been obscured.

    I sense a Republican conspiracy.

  76. AKAM80TheWolf

    Is their second American Revolution one in which all Americans get really healthy because they send us soothing tea with lots of antioxidants?

  77. proudcitizen

    Ooooooo! I bet the sender is feeling all “24″ now! I can just see him sitting at a table piled high with tea bags and envelopes jerking off to a YouTube video of Sarah Palin.

  78. zhubajie

    [re=283263]Colander[/re]: The dumber rednecks vs. the more desperate mercenaries. Maybe the US needs it’s own Foreign Legion or Brigade of Gurkhas?

    Zhu Bajie

  79. gurukalehuru

    So, you know why anarchists only drink herbal tea?
    Because proper tea is theft!

    I love that joke but i only get a good excuse to use it once every couple of years.

  80. Chad San Marino

    Do you think they might start targeting medical publishers? My company has recently stopped providing free tea and coffee (fuck you, economy) and I really could use a nice pick-me-up in the afternoon. A refreshing cup of tea would really hit the spot.

  81. zhubajie

    [re=283300]Zadig[/re]: Ah yes, the War Necessitated by Southron Arrogance. Too bad the winners didn’t hang the losers’ leaders en masse, as with the 1862 Sioux Revolt. If it was good enough for Rain-in-the-Face, it should’ve been good enough for Jeff Davis, right??

    Zhu Bajie

  82. what tha?

    Just their luck- the revolution, small r, will be lead by chunky white guys with butt problems (cysts, hemorrhoids, etc).

    To all you would-be Small Reveres: Hold high your rubber donuts and tubes of Prep H with your simple, dumb hope for tax breaks for people with more money than you! May history hold you gently in her palm.

    Tea bag suggestion: Red Zinger.

  83. iolanthe

    [re=283659]what tha?[/re]: Beautiful. Someone needs to post/plagiarize that eloquent statement over on pajamasmedia and freerepublic.

  84. iolanthe

    [re=283558]gurukalehuru[/re]: Never heard it before. Just snorted coffee out my nose. Thanks.

  85. Zadig

    [re=283595]zhubajie[/re]: Except the rules of war are different for Real Americans and the brown peoples, Duh.

    Actually, now that I think about it, if the Teabagging hobbits actually DID have the balls to ‘rebel’, I can see it opening up like the Civil War. You know, with the rest of their Paultard brethren going to the first battle to spectate, because War is just such a rollicking good time, right? Oh yeah, and South Carolina attacking some federal military base, and doing an extremely crappy job of it. The account of the casualties at Fort Sumter always makes for a good laugh.

  86. iolanthe

    [re=283436]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh God. It’s funny because it’s true.

    Before my time as a Christian Wingnut, I spent the years from birth to 17 steeped (heh!) in my father’s family’s Anglican faith and culture.

    Every time I had any kind of event where I invited family, including several of my weddings, they’d show up about 20 minutes early — you know, while I was still tearing around in my robe, running the dustbuster, and taking the rollers out of my hair? Then, when I got smart and learned to expect them 20 minutes early, they began showing up half-an-hour early. Or an hour.

    Oh. Sorry. Tea. Revolution.

    Yeah, I *really* want these “Superpatriots” to find out how superpatriotic it is to start a shooting civil war to defend the right of the richest to pay less tax. I really want to see what happens to them then. Who’s the Congressional jackhole who is inciting the troops to riot and “resist the authority of an illegitimate Commander-in-Chief” again? That’s going to be fun. Besides, all the servicemen and servicewomen *I* know think Barry’s aces.

  87. what tha?

    I understand Dale Gribble, the right wing’s Obama, will be the designated spokesman for our swarthy
    compatriots as they solemnly dip their bags and hold their pinkies aloft with their softly glowing lighters.

    We concede their superiority and hide our shame.

    Tea for contemplating this: Sleepytime.

  88. american mutt

    What kind of threat is that?

    Me beating you up is a very real possibility! Yes. It could happen!

  89. Spiderfrommars

    [re=283436]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well I certainly expected the Anglican Inquisition response but not the arriving early killshot. Hat’s off!

  90. Atlas Spanked

    Clearly, these wannabe Minutemen do not watch the Military Channel.
    It’ll be a very, very short revolution once the Gatling guns and rapid-fire cannons crank up.

    I look forward to the clarion call of Freeeeee-dumb.
    It’ll be sweet.

  91. problemwithcaring

    [re=283315]Lazy Media[/re]: Yea, ‘cept for the whole rape/slavery/genocide thing in the Congo, but Africa never has counted for shit.

  92. what tha?

    [re=283472]jaba the slut[/re]: Oh Great- patriots sipping tea will now have gay children? Will re-education camps be paid for by the Republican Party?

  93. jimbo

    Dammit, now when I search for tea bagging videos, all I get are links to stuff like this. Damn conservatards have managed to prevent me from getting my daily dose of porn…

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