Wonkette
It’s the post you’ve been waiting for, the one where we point out that the acronym for a certain fanciful robot-car for lazy urban dorks is the same as the acronym for bitterly disenfranchised Hillary Clinton voters, har! Mark Penn is obviously behind this microtrend, called “Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility,” or “Party Unity My Ass,” for short.
GM, the failing auto maker, and Segway, the maker of two-wheeled transportation gizmos for virgins, are collaborating on a project that would result in a dinky carlike vehicle called a PUMA that would be cheaper than a car and never get into accidents or traffic jams. Everybody in America should/will have one of these, except Jim Newell, because he is a pig.
Ideally, the vehicles would also be part of a communications network that through the use of transponder and GPS technology would allow them to drive themselves. The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said.
As a result, the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only, he said.
There is really only one question to be asked about this vehicle: can you have sex with it?
GM and Segway unveil new two-wheeled urban vehicle [AP]
Honestly, I’d buy that. It would be perfect for getting around Brooklyn.
I don’t think that anyone who would use such a car needs to worry about having sex.
What kind of fuel does it take? Carls Jr?
So I take it the gun rack will come standard?
Again with the gyroscopes and the lack of wheels with these idiots. Hey, Segway, there is NO looming wheel shortage. The Smart Car is small enough; just slap an electric motor and some laptop batteries in it, and voila! Urban transport for the peak oil crash. People want somewhere to stash their overnight bag and rollerskates, other than strapping them to the roof. You are a solution in search of a problem.
jagorev: you do realize it’s not a fixed-gear bicycle, don’t you?
SKS, you saucy hobo you.
Looking at the photo, to answer your question… No. Unless it’s hand jobs.
This Puma thing is probably loud, shrill even…
Advocatus_Diaboli:
No. The bitters won’t fit.
PUMA NUTZ ?
Forgets the PUMAs! ZOMFG! Vermont is gay married.
We will all be shriners someday.
Newell won the daily pig award?! I don’t remember hearing about that at the time. Why didn’t we troll the post? The PUMAS even spray painted red hair on a pig to get their point across! (At least I think it’s supposed to be red hair)
http://pumapac.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/ugly-pig-new2.png
It’s cup holder on two wheels, basically.
PUMAs will only be sold in Michigan and Florida.
It will also make julienne fries, and shaved ice for delightful tropical drinks. Also.
But can it core a apple?
It looks like a tilt-a-whirl had octopus sex with a tricycle.
Good move GM — your car company’s in a crisis, and what do you want to gamble on? Something that has less range and mileage than a Vespa, is targeted at the hip urban (i.e. not too rich) demographic and costs $20,000. I can’t see any way this could possibly go wrong.
The Cold Sea: I’m on my way to have a mandatory gay abortion during my lunch hour.
Whatever else comes of this, you know it’s gonna piss the PUMAs off. Anyway, they like their Sebring convertibles way too much.
NoWireHangers: The Daily Pig Award was one of the true glories of the past six months. How could anyone forget it?
Lazy Media: I agree. That was why I liked the Tata (hahaha boobs) more at all is because the design makes more sense…but we defs need something electric, especially if it’s that small anyways. I want to see the people behind Segway, I bet even in their corporate pictures they are stuffed in lockers and trash cans.
jagorev: Yes, but this would let me shop at Costco! Costco! I can’t do that now. Then I could maybe move to an apartment with a real kitchen and do some cooking, settle down, open an IRA, get married, buy life insurance AAARGH MAKE IT STOP
Noodle Salad: …where they’ll only count as half a car.
Hey, I didn’t even HAVE to wait for this post. I just heard about the Puma on NPR five minutes ago, which gave me time to boot my computer and log in here to see what Sara posted about it. THAT is Web 2.0, my friends.
AnnieGetYourFun: I’m upset that our Wonketteers haven’t posted about Vermont turning gay, even though NPR mentioned it at least half an hour ago.
Gurkman: ha! oh bless you for that.
AnnieGetYourFun: i saw it on msnbc, where the freak anchor didn’t even pretend she wasn’t going to mock the hell out of it.
The PUMA vehicle does not run on Obama Kool-Aid.
sati demise: Yeah seriously. Where do you hang the nutz on that thing?
There is really only one question to be asked about this vehicle: can you have sex with it?
with it–of course. There is no end to the creativity of the male when it comes to places to stick it. Not sure about the ladies, though.
in it–maybe not. Could always try with the guy in the picture: “Nice ride, dude. Wanna fuck?” could be a good start.
I don’t think I could bring myself to ride a PUMA. Nope. Ain’t gonna happen.
Can’t wait to see these on the LA freeways. That should work out really well.
…The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said.
There is really only one question to be asked about this vehicle: can you have sex with it?
As long as you wrap it in duct tape first.
jagorev: It’s generally more fun to hear what the Freepers have to say about our nation’s spiraling descent into gay, anyway.
…where the hell was this when I got my DUI?!
jagorev: they are still seeking the rights for this image: http://www.counton2.com/cbd/news/national/article/vermont_lawmakers_defy_governor_legalize_gay_marriage/23250/
Hack my ride. Or don’t. Please don’t. Look out! AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
Why not just upgrade golf carts? Fender bender = easy human road kill.
Zadig: Holy shit, nothing from the Freepers, Drudge hasn’t busted out the siren yet. I guess just nobody gives an airborne fuck about Vermont?
Because GMC makes such amazing products they can’t possibly fuck this up and then we got a bunch of bitters in bumpers cars, trying to get to the macdonalds, crashing through windows and flying of bridges
…the PUMA runs on 100% pure denial! You never put fuel in it, instead you sit in the driver seat and pretend like its moving, all the while bitching about other motorist that are passing you by!
Zadig: Nope, just America.
that man has very small…legs. to fit in that car.
according to pumapac, Wonkette hates the ladies. Why you gotta hate the ladies, huh? where’s Denby when we need him?
freakishlystrong: and its horn is always stuck.
AngryBlakGuy: I thought PUMAs ran on feelings of utter entitlement?
How miles to the fart does this thingee get?
Zadig: Isn’t Vermont already gay-married to Massachusetts?
Zadig: The gov promised to veto it anyway. Put away the tuxedo.
Sussemilch: Even Vermont is confused about why the Federal Government continues to kick money their way. The Obama Stimulus Whore Diamonds Parental Permission form landed on Governor Douglas’s desk, and he said, “What?” while signing in bewilderment.
WHEELCHAIRZ!!!!
Detroit is safed.
DoctorCulturae: …its a “Flex Fuel” vehicle!
bitchincamaro: Actually, the legislature had a 2/3rds majority, overriding the veto. And I don’t have a tux out, because I’m not gay. I’M NOT! STOP LAUGHING! *sob*
I hate you, bitchin[sniff]camaro!
Miss, one gallon of eye-bleach, please.
Looks drafty.
The personal scooters came to international prominence when US President George W Bush fell off one while on holiday in 2003.
Well, of course they did.
“A two-wheeled… vehicle designed to be a fast, safe, inexpensive and clean alternative to traditional cars and trucks for cities across the world:” it doesn’t use any polluting batteries, unlike this Segway gadget, it prevents heart disease and it helps you to lose weight: a bicycle. With panniers, I could get 40 pounds of groceries home from the store no problemo, and there was zero charge for parking in Chicago’s Loop (not likely with a Segway two-seater). In the city, bikes rule; learn Effective Cycling and you’ll stay safe, too.
Hey, it’s the first boss of Smash TV!
AngryBlakGuy: So I guess the fuel mixture would be denial, entitlement, and Slimfast?
I am in absolute awe at the genius of our president/Hip Urban Messiah. Picture the meeting. “O.K., guys, how can we spend some of this stimulus money to make the PUMAs look really, really stupid?”
(Snark aside, I’m with Jagorev, I think it might actually be a useful vehicle, in certain situations)
Get your PUMA warblogging on here; http://stupidpumas.wordpress.com/
El Pinche: Come here a minute: It’s fueled by small injections of estrogen.
A woman told me she was a PUMA, i thought it meant “please use my anus.” No wonder she got mad …
lawrenceofthedesert: A-fucking-men. These things will just clog up bike lanes and make people fat. They’re also suspiciously similar to those doohickeys the fat slobs piloted in Wall-E.
Why is it that whenever someone writes “PUMA” I actually read “FUPA”?
I want one…slightly modified. A pickmeup truck version with a gun rack, light post across the cab, room enough to haul a harvested deer, a winch on the front and a wench in the buddy seat, bumper guards fore and aft and a steel protective cage around the driver. Four-wheel drive, of course, with studded snow and mud tires. Eight cylinders and super tough suspension and a Confederate flag on the aerial. Call it the Sarah Palin model.
Clearly, an inadequate black car
“The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said. As a result, the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only, he said.”
Okay, so the thing avoids other obstacles. How do you get from there to not needing air bags? Aren’t other cars still going to be on the road? Some car could run a red light and blindside you. Unless all cars on the road are PUMAs , you’d still be at risk of having another car run into you. What am I missing?
jagorev: I’m assuming you’re talking about the CostCo in Sunset Park? That place is SO NOT WORTH IT. Yeah you save, Save, SAVE! but the people who work there are the fucking worst and the whole place is totally disorganized. It makes the Atlantic Ave. Target look good in comparison, which is saying something.
The More You Know.
Zadig: What? You wanna’ “hate fuck”?
PUMA? Is this code for fail? shouldn’t all the windows over at the old segway factory be all broke out by now? weeds tumbling through the tiny parking lots? a loan hobo, Shortleg Willie tending a low fire as he barbecues a stray cat…..
cheeto_jeebus: Lone hobo”, dang damn tiny little keys…
Zadig: No Drudge siren? Well then, gay civil equality has truly arrived.
bitchincamaro: In the back, wait, no. The driver’s seat of a PUMA.
TeddyS: In camo… I’m pretty sure Suzuki already makes that.
Do not ever - EVER - debase a picture of a Mini like that again. I feel sick inside.
Unless it’s one of those stupid dark green ones. Really? Dark green? Were they all out of the super awesome red ones with the black bonnet stripes and stuff?
the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only
This is awesome. GM has invented the vehicle that will not only save the world, but cause Ralph Nader to implode with impotent rage. Yay, GM! I’ll go out and buy a ton of your stock this afternoon with my lunch money.
Humbly submitted:
http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/i_am_segway_hear_me_roar/
Would this be the perfect car to buy your teenage driver? Supposing you had enough money to buy your teenage driver a car. And actually wanted to.
Not fast, not cool enough for other kids to want to ride in and too small to have sex in the back seat.
Was this car invented by the Pope?
donner_froh: “not sure about the ladies, though.”
Depends on the RPMs
Keram2: Wall-E was the first thing I thought of when I saw this.
And hamburgers, I thought of them too.
Yeah,
‘cuz the REAL problem with those Segways is that it’s just TOO Damn Tiring to spend all that time STANDING UP!
lawrenceofthedesert: coming out of the alternative vehicle closet here:
I have an electric mountain bike. It can speed up to 20 mph without pedaling.
If you pedal, it gets 50 mile to a charge on the lithium battery.
If you only use the throttle it can cover 30 miles to a charge.
It is a blast to ride-I can keep up with my dog now.
no bike nutz yet.
SayItWithWookies: In grad school, that oldie but goodie was printed in the student newspaper, followed a week later by a rejoinder that still makes milk come out my nose:
All around the mulberry bush,
the monkey chased the weasel,
the monkey forgot the electrical tape,
Pop goes the weasel!
sati demise: Sounds very practical for someone who might have to make short trips during the work day and can’t afford to show up sweaty. I wish I would have had one when I worked for small town newspapers. It’s the numerous short car trips that spew the most poison — them and right-wing bloggers.
lawrenceofthedesert: exactly.
Mine folds up so I can take it to town in the car.
Then I park my car and do all my errands on the bike.
Saves some gas, saves on time looking for parking spaces.
You dont have to have any kind of license to ride it.
I recommend teh electric bike for any and all convicted DUI drunk people.
Okay, this doesn’t make any sense to me:
“Ideally, the vehicles would also be part of a communications network that through the use of transponder and GPS technology would allow them to drive themselves. The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said.
As a result, the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only, he said.”
Um, if I’m in my PUMA and a mack truck runs a red light while I’m in the intersection, no technology is going to move my PUMA out of the way in a split second. Maybe ANOTHER puma wouldn’t be able to run into it, but this sounds like such a flawed concept…Seat belts would be for ‘comfort purposes?”
No accidents. Right. Like it can anticipate that deer that jumps in front of you two feet away. Or Laura Bush.
So this is what a souped-up Rascal looks like . . .
MyEvilTwin: You’re missing the fact that this press release was written by the Segway people, the ones who claimed their retarded scooter would “change the way we design cities.” No claim is too big or too silly for these charlatans.
God DAMN Newell is handsome … Ivy League did you say? Rowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….
Mmmm. I’ve got pencil erasers…and I’m a dude.