• May 26, 2012
MICROTRENDS

April 7, 2009

PUMAs Loose On Streets

by Sara K. Smith  

Hot ride.It’s the post you’ve been waiting for, the one where we point out that the acronym for a certain fanciful robot-car for lazy urban dorks is the same as the acronym for bitterly disenfranchised Hillary Clinton voters, har! Mark Penn is obviously behind this microtrend, called “Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility,” or “Party Unity My Ass,” for short.

GM, the failing auto maker, and Segway, the maker of two-wheeled transportation gizmos for virgins, are collaborating on a project that would result in a dinky carlike vehicle called a PUMA that would be cheaper than a car and never get into accidents or traffic jams. Everybody in America should/will have one of these, except Jim Newell, because he is a pig.

Ideally, the vehicles would also be part of a communications network that through the use of transponder and GPS technology would allow them to drive themselves. The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said.

As a result, the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only, he said.

There is really only one question to be asked about this vehicle: can you have sex with it?

GM and Segway unveil new two-wheeled urban vehicle [AP]

{ 92 comments }

jagorev April 7, 2009 at 11:56 am

Honestly, I’d buy that. It would be perfect for getting around Brooklyn.

shanemacgowan April 7, 2009 at 11:57 am

I don’t think that anyone who would use such a car needs to worry about having sex.

El Pinche April 7, 2009 at 11:57 am

What kind of fuel does it take? Carls Jr?

Advocatus_Diaboli April 7, 2009 at 11:58 am

So I take it the gun rack will come standard?

Lazy Media April 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Again with the gyroscopes and the lack of wheels with these idiots. Hey, Segway, there is NO looming wheel shortage. The Smart Car is small enough; just slap an electric motor and some laptop batteries in it, and voila! Urban transport for the peak oil crash. People want somewhere to stash their overnight bag and rollerskates, other than strapping them to the roof. You are a solution in search of a problem.

Gurkman April 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm

[re=282704]jagorev[/re]: you do realize it’s not a fixed-gear bicycle, don’t you?

ManchuCandidate April 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm

SKS, you saucy hobo you.

Looking at the photo, to answer your question… No. Unless it’s hand jobs.

freakishlystrong April 7, 2009 at 12:00 pm

This Puma thing is probably loud, shrill even…

ManchuCandidate April 7, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=282707]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]:
No. The bitters won’t fit.

sati demise April 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm

PUMA NUTZ ?

The Cold Sea April 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Forgets the PUMAs! ZOMFG! Vermont is gay married.

Professor Proffy McProfalton, Prof. April 7, 2009 at 12:04 pm

We will all be shriners someday.

NoWireHangers April 7, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Newell won the daily pig award?! I don’t remember hearing about that at the time. Why didn’t we troll the post? The PUMAS even spray painted red hair on a pig to get their point across! (At least I think it’s supposed to be red hair)

http://pumapac.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/ugly-pig-new2.png

bitchincamaro April 7, 2009 at 12:06 pm

It’s cup holder on two wheels, basically.

Noodle Salad April 7, 2009 at 12:06 pm

PUMAs will only be sold in Michigan and Florida.

bfstevie@yahoo.com April 7, 2009 at 12:06 pm

It will also make julienne fries, and shaved ice for delightful tropical drinks. Also.

But can it core a apple?

Sussemilch April 7, 2009 at 12:07 pm

It looks like a tilt-a-whirl had octopus sex with a tricycle.

SayItWithWookies April 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Good move GM — your car company’s in a crisis, and what do you want to gamble on? Something that has less range and mileage than a Vespa, is targeted at the hip urban (i.e. not too rich) demographic and costs $20,000. I can’t see any way this could possibly go wrong.

Advocatus_Diaboli April 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm

[re=282719]The Cold Sea[/re]: I’m on my way to have a mandatory gay abortion during my lunch hour.

Red Zeppelin April 7, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Whatever else comes of this, you know it’s gonna piss the PUMAs off. Anyway, they like their Sebring convertibles way too much.

[re=282721]NoWireHangers[/re]: The Daily Pig Award was one of the true glories of the past six months. How could anyone forget it?

lennixlewis April 7, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=282708]Lazy Media[/re]: I agree. That was why I liked the Tata (hahaha boobs) more at all is because the design makes more sense…but we defs need something electric, especially if it’s that small anyways. I want to see the people behind Segway, I bet even in their corporate pictures they are stuffed in lockers and trash cans.

jagorev April 7, 2009 at 12:10 pm

[re=282704]jagorev[/re]: Yes, but this would let me shop at Costco! Costco! I can’t do that now. Then I could maybe move to an apartment with a real kitchen and do some cooking, settle down, open an IRA, get married, buy life insurance AAARGH MAKE IT STOP

SayItWithWookies April 7, 2009 at 12:10 pm

[re=282726]Noodle Salad[/re]: …where they’ll only count as half a car.

AnnieGetYourFun April 7, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Hey, I didn’t even HAVE to wait for this post. I just heard about the Puma on NPR five minutes ago, which gave me time to boot my computer and log in here to see what Sara posted about it. THAT is Web 2.0, my friends.

jagorev April 7, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=282735]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I’m upset that our Wonketteers haven’t posted about Vermont turning gay, even though NPR mentioned it at least half an hour ago.

cranky April 7, 2009 at 12:15 pm

[re=282709]Gurkman[/re]: ha! oh bless you for that.

cranky April 7, 2009 at 12:16 pm

[re=282735]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: i saw it on msnbc, where the freak anchor didn’t even pretend she wasn’t going to mock the hell out of it.

Come here a minute April 7, 2009 at 12:16 pm

The PUMA vehicle does not run on Obama Kool-Aid.

american mutt April 7, 2009 at 12:16 pm

[re=282717]sati demise[/re]: Yeah seriously. Where do you hang the nutz on that thing?

donner_froh April 7, 2009 at 12:17 pm

There is really only one question to be asked about this vehicle: can you have sex with it?

with it–of course. There is no end to the creativity of the male when it comes to places to stick it. Not sure about the ladies, though.

in it–maybe not. Could always try with the guy in the picture: “Nice ride, dude. Wanna fuck?” could be a good start.

Monsieur Grumpe April 7, 2009 at 12:17 pm

I don’t think I could bring myself to ride a PUMA. Nope. Ain’t gonna happen.

exdixie April 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Can’t wait to see these on the LA freeways. That should work out really well.

AngryBlakGuy April 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm

The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said.

SayItWithWookies April 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm

There is really only one question to be asked about this vehicle: can you have sex with it?
As long as you wrap it in duct tape first.

Zadig April 7, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[re=282738]jagorev[/re]: It’s generally more fun to hear what the Freepers have to say about our nation’s spiraling descent into gay, anyway.

AngryBlakGuy April 7, 2009 at 12:19 pm

…where the hell was this when I got my DUI?!

cranky April 7, 2009 at 12:20 pm

[re=282738]jagorev[/re]: they are still seeking the rights for this image: http://www.counton2.com/cbd/news/national/article/vermont_lawmakers_defy_governor_legalize_gay_marriage/23250/

psilage April 7, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Hack my ride. Or don’t. Please don’t. Look out! AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

DoctorCulturae April 7, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Why not just upgrade golf carts? Fender bender = easy human road kill.

Zadig April 7, 2009 at 12:27 pm

[re=282750]Zadig[/re]: Holy shit, nothing from the Freepers, Drudge hasn’t busted out the siren yet. I guess just nobody gives an airborne fuck about Vermont?

LeastExcellent April 7, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Because GMC makes such amazing products they can’t possibly fuck this up and then we got a bunch of bitters in bumpers cars, trying to get to the macdonalds, crashing through windows and flying of bridges

AngryBlakGuy April 7, 2009 at 12:28 pm

…the PUMA runs on 100% pure denial! You never put fuel in it, instead you sit in the driver seat and pretend like its moving, all the while bitching about other motorist that are passing you by!

Sussemilch April 7, 2009 at 12:31 pm

[re=282758]Zadig[/re]: Nope, just America.

miss_emish April 7, 2009 at 12:31 pm

that man has very small…legs. to fit in that car.

jasper-f-krone April 7, 2009 at 12:31 pm

according to pumapac, Wonkette hates the ladies. Why you gotta hate the ladies, huh? where’s Denby when we need him?

S.Luggo April 7, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=282711]freakishlystrong[/re]: and its horn is always stuck.

DoctorCulturae April 7, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=282761]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I thought PUMAs ran on feelings of utter entitlement?

S.Luggo April 7, 2009 at 12:33 pm

How miles to the fart does this thingee get?

Come here a minute April 7, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=282758]Zadig[/re]: Isn’t Vermont already gay-married to Massachusetts?

bitchincamaro April 7, 2009 at 12:35 pm

[re=282758]Zadig[/re]: The gov promised to veto it anyway. Put away the tuxedo.

Zadig April 7, 2009 at 12:38 pm

[re=282762]Sussemilch[/re]: Even Vermont is confused about why the Federal Government continues to kick money their way. The Obama Stimulus Whore Diamonds Parental Permission form landed on Governor Douglas’s desk, and he said, “What?” while signing in bewilderment.

Fear of a Black Reagan April 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm

WHEELCHAIRZ!!!!

Detroit is safed.

AngryBlakGuy April 7, 2009 at 12:41 pm

[re=282766]DoctorCulturae[/re]: …its a “Flex Fuel” vehicle!

Zadig April 7, 2009 at 12:41 pm

[re=282771]bitchincamaro[/re]: Actually, the legislature had a 2/3rds majority, overriding the veto. And I don’t have a tux out, because I’m not gay. I’M NOT! STOP LAUGHING! *sob*

I hate you, bitchin[sniff]camaro!

AllHat April 7, 2009 at 12:45 pm

Miss, one gallon of eye-bleach, please.

TGY April 7, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Looks drafty.

The personal scooters came to international prominence when US President George W Bush fell off one while on holiday in 2003.

Well, of course they did.

lawrenceofthedesert April 7, 2009 at 12:49 pm

“A two-wheeled… vehicle designed to be a fast, safe, inexpensive and clean alternative to traditional cars and trucks for cities across the world:” it doesn’t use any polluting batteries, unlike this Segway gadget, it prevents heart disease and it helps you to lose weight: a bicycle. With panniers, I could get 40 pounds of groceries home from the store no problemo, and there was zero charge for parking in Chicago’s Loop (not likely with a Segway two-seater). In the city, bikes rule; learn Effective Cycling and you’ll stay safe, too.

Trace April 7, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Hey, it’s the first boss of Smash TV!

DoctorCulturae April 7, 2009 at 12:53 pm

[re=282775]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: So I guess the fuel mixture would be denial, entitlement, and Slimfast?

gurukalehuru April 7, 2009 at 12:54 pm

I am in absolute awe at the genius of our president/Hip Urban Messiah. Picture the meeting. “O.K., guys, how can we spend some of this stimulus money to make the PUMAs look really, really stupid?”

(Snark aside, I’m with Jagorev, I think it might actually be a useful vehicle, in certain situations)

PumaRubberNecker April 7, 2009 at 12:56 pm

Get your PUMA warblogging on here; http://stupidpumas.wordpress.com/

WadISay April 7, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=282706]El Pinche[/re]: [re=282741]Come here a minute[/re]: It’s fueled by small injections of estrogen.

Capitol Hillbilly April 7, 2009 at 12:58 pm

A woman told me she was a PUMA, i thought it meant “please use my anus.” No wonder she got mad …

Keram2 April 7, 2009 at 12:59 pm

[re=282784]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: A-fucking-men. These things will just clog up bike lanes and make people fat. They’re also suspiciously similar to those doohickeys the fat slobs piloted in Wall-E.

ssccss April 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Why is it that whenever someone writes “PUMA” I actually read “FUPA”?

TeddyS April 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm

I want one…slightly modified. A pickmeup truck version with a gun rack, light post across the cab, room enough to haul a harvested deer, a winch on the front and a wench in the buddy seat, bumper guards fore and aft and a steel protective cage around the driver. Four-wheel drive, of course, with studded snow and mud tires. Eight cylinders and super tough suspension and a Confederate flag on the aerial. Call it the Sarah Palin model.

Hart88 April 7, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Clearly, an inadequate black car

MyEvilTwin April 7, 2009 at 1:17 pm

“The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said. As a result, the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only, he said.”

Okay, so the thing avoids other obstacles. How do you get from there to not needing air bags? Aren’t other cars still going to be on the road? Some car could run a red light and blindside you. Unless all cars on the road are PUMAs , you’d still be at risk of having another car run into you. What am I missing?

Keram2 April 7, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=282733]jagorev[/re]: I’m assuming you’re talking about the CostCo in Sunset Park? That place is SO NOT WORTH IT. Yeah you save, Save, SAVE! but the people who work there are the fucking worst and the whole place is totally disorganized. It makes the Atlantic Ave. Target look good in comparison, which is saying something.

The More You Know.

bitchincamaro April 7, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=282776]Zadig[/re]: What? You wanna’ “hate fuck”?

cheeto_jeebus April 7, 2009 at 1:21 pm

PUMA? Is this code for fail? shouldn’t all the windows over at the old segway factory be all broke out by now? weeds tumbling through the tiny parking lots? a loan hobo, Shortleg Willie tending a low fire as he barbecues a stray cat…..

cheeto_jeebus April 7, 2009 at 1:23 pm

[re=282828]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: Lone hobo”, dang damn tiny little keys…

jagorev April 7, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=282758]Zadig[/re]: No Drudge siren? Well then, gay civil equality has truly arrived.

Zadig April 7, 2009 at 1:27 pm

[re=282826]bitchincamaro[/re]: In the back, wait, no. The driver’s seat of a PUMA.

pondscum April 7, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=282818]TeddyS[/re]: In camo… I’m pretty sure Suzuki already makes that.

BlueMonkey April 7, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Do not ever – EVER – debase a picture of a Mini like that again. I feel sick inside.

Unless it’s one of those stupid dark green ones. Really? Dark green? Were they all out of the super awesome red ones with the black bonnet stripes and stuff?

populucious April 7, 2009 at 1:42 pm

the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only

This is awesome. GM has invented the vehicle that will not only save the world, but cause Ralph Nader to implode with impotent rage. Yay, GM! I’ll go out and buy a ton of your stock this afternoon with my lunch money.

Rumproast April 7, 2009 at 1:50 pm
hockeymom April 7, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Would this be the perfect car to buy your teenage driver? Supposing you had enough money to buy your teenage driver a car. And actually wanted to.
Not fast, not cool enough for other kids to want to ride in and too small to have sex in the back seat.
Was this car invented by the Pope?

animalmagnetism April 7, 2009 at 1:57 pm

[re=282745]donner_froh[/re]: “not sure about the ladies, though.”

Depends on the RPMs

Not_So_Much April 7, 2009 at 2:00 pm

[re=282803]Keram2[/re]: Wall-E was the first thing I thought of when I saw this.

And hamburgers, I thought of them too.

Whitebeard April 7, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Yeah,

‘cuz the REAL problem with those Segways is that it’s just TOO Damn Tiring to spend all that time STANDING UP!

sati demise April 7, 2009 at 2:09 pm

[re=282784]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: coming out of the alternative vehicle closet here:
I have an electric mountain bike. It can speed up to 20 mph without pedaling.

If you pedal, it gets 50 mile to a charge on the lithium battery.
If you only use the throttle it can cover 30 miles to a charge.
It is a blast to ride-I can keep up with my dog now.
no bike nutz yet.

user-of-owls April 7, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=282749]SayItWithWookies[/re]: In grad school, that oldie but goodie was printed in the student newspaper, followed a week later by a rejoinder that still makes milk come out my nose:

All around the mulberry bush,
the monkey chased the weasel,
the monkey forgot the electrical tape,
Pop goes the weasel!

lawrenceofthedesert April 7, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=282904]sati demise[/re]: Sounds very practical for someone who might have to make short trips during the work day and can’t afford to show up sweaty. I wish I would have had one when I worked for small town newspapers. It’s the numerous short car trips that spew the most poison — them and right-wing bloggers.

sati demise April 7, 2009 at 2:54 pm

[re=282972]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: exactly.
Mine folds up so I can take it to town in the car.
Then I park my car and do all my errands on the bike.
Saves some gas, saves on time looking for parking spaces.

You dont have to have any kind of license to ride it.
I recommend teh electric bike for any and all convicted DUI drunk people.

meg9 April 7, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Okay, this doesn’t make any sense to me:

“Ideally, the vehicles would also be part of a communications network that through the use of transponder and GPS technology would allow them to drive themselves. The vehicles would automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars and therefore never crash, Burns said.

As a result, the PUMA vehicles would not need air bags or other traditional safety devices and include safety belts for “comfort purposes” only, he said.”

Um, if I’m in my PUMA and a mack truck runs a red light while I’m in the intersection, no technology is going to move my PUMA out of the way in a split second. Maybe ANOTHER puma wouldn’t be able to run into it, but this sounds like such a flawed concept…Seat belts would be for ‘comfort purposes?”

Uncle Glenny April 7, 2009 at 3:23 pm

No accidents. Right. Like it can anticipate that deer that jumps in front of you two feet away. Or Laura Bush.

RabidHamster April 7, 2009 at 3:38 pm

So this is what a souped-up Rascal looks like . . .

Lazy Media April 7, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=282822]MyEvilTwin[/re]: You’re missing the fact that this press release was written by the Segway people, the ones who claimed their retarded scooter would “change the way we design cities.” No claim is too big or too silly for these charlatans.

rag April 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm

God DAMN Newell is handsome … Ivy League did you say? Rowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….

Scandinavian Fetus April 7, 2009 at 4:46 pm

Mmmm. I’ve got pencil erasers…and I’m a dude.

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