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Uhh.
You know what’s not funny? Political news outlets trying to be funny. Stop it. This thing, above? This stupid attempt at a Fark photoshop or whatever? No. Stop it. Mark Halperin aka The Page, of TIME Magazine? Actually the opposite of funny. You are paid, presumably, to cover the news about Washington politics — information, details, that sort of thing. What the fuck, really? Will TIME just start making up cover stories? Have fake columnists and whatever? It’s Meta!

Except it’s not. It’s just stupid. YOU DO NOT “PARODY” THE NEWS IN THE PROCESS OF REPORTING THE NEWS. You people are supposed to be covering things, writing articles about those things, doing research, conducting interviews, filing your articles, and then going home to cry, the end.

You people probably love that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, and especially those wacky typos Jay Leno sometimes holds up, on the teevee.

WELL YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT.

That is not your job. If you want to try your hand at writing jokes for Comedy Central or working for The Onion, then by all means quit, today, and start sending in your resumes, which will thankfully be ignored, because you people aren’t comedy writers. You’re self-important mandarins in an industry that’s actually dying, right now, in large part because you people have the intellectual wherewithal of a raccoon distracted by a ball of aluminum foil. You see blogs and you don’t say, “Hmmm that is an interesting development in new media.” Instead, you lose your fucking institutional mind and turn newspapers into blogs. Because that’s what we were short of, in this country, right?

You see some dingbat meaningless fad like Twitter and instantly decide you must devote your days to this inanity, typing brief typo-ridden updates about your meaningless life routine. This morning, Steve Case was supposed to appear on CNBC, to talk about business, in America, which is an important subject. But he didn’t show up when he was scheduled to show up, and eventually the hosts began idiotically yapping in joy because they saw an update from their missing guest, Steve Case, on motherfucking Twitter. Because telephones and e-mail — not to mention basic human manners — just plain stopped working, right?

You people notice that on this Internet, and the cable comedy channels, and oh goodness even on the regular old broadcast teevee on Saturday nights for the past 30 years or so, that some wise-acres are making fun of the news, perhaps commenting in a humorous or satirical manner about topical events. (This may have even occurred before those wacky fake newscasts on Saturday Night Live, but of course there’s no way to know for sure.) And then, that’s what you want to do, except you want to do this while in the process of actually reporting the actual news. Stop it.

Stop putting “comedy” shows on the cable-news channels at night. If you people refuse to actually work during hours when few people are watching, just sign off, go to infomericals or maybe run a BBC feed. They still cover news around the clock, we’ve heard.

You, as journalists, are not allowed to constantly bemoan the fate of serious news-gathering operations in this country while trying to turn your news operations into TMZ. Stop it.

Stop twittering, blogging, photoshopping, and dear god please stop trying to make jokes. Report the news or take your buyout and go fuck off with Mark Penn or whatever.

$
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  • itgetter

    And get off my lawn, damn it!!!111!!

    But seriously, twitter needs to die.

  • slavojzizek

    Hope those acorns weren’t committing voter fraud–ha ha ha!

  • honkeyman

    NO COMMENT

  • Yaybuls

    Whoooaaaaaa Wonkette! Where’s the snark? Where’s the scathing wit? Where’s the inside jokes? A pure rant!

    This makes me uncomfortable, like when Jon Stewart hurls vitriol at talking head types for not being boring utility regurgitators of news clips. Mainstream media will always try to play catch-up to the “hip media” and fail miserably…Why can’t you just let them flop on the deck?

  • Deaniac4Life

    ACORN NUTZ! Barry’s ahead of the curve.

  • johnnypantalones

    God, that was beautiful.

  • Bronkers

    I’m really NOT liking that photo – not funny, and sort of boogers/truckAcornNutz or something.

    The satiric comedy program that predated SNL by a decade+ was “That Was The Week That Was.” It was funny and clever. Oh lawsy, that was a LOOOONG time ago.

  • Dr. RosenRosen

    Clearly a Freudian slip on Barry Hussein’s part, since ACORN rigged the election for him by casting all those fraudulent ballots.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    They suck.

    You guys would have at least put some Blingee into it.

  • hobospacejunkie

    More like this, please, Mr. Layne.

  • Deaniac4Life

    This was the synergy of old and new media envisioned by the AOL/Time-Warner merger, I do believe.

  • Atheist Nun

    …yes, either stop trying to be comedians, or nominate Wonkette for one of your fancy PULITZER NOBEL PRIZES, FUCKERS.

  • Hedley Lamar

    Nice rant. Now please be funny again. Over and out.

  • charlesdegoal

    My prize today goes to the aptly named young NYT reporter Louise Story for her ninny whitewash of awful Lawrence Summers. They’re getting to the dregs of the profession, obviously.

  • american mutt

    He said he has acorns in his nose and its picture of him with acorns up his nose! HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I get jokes.

  • FlownOver

    Halperin wouldn’t know Teh Funnie if it was chewing on his taint.

  • sevenrepeat

    ACORN…the new teabagging experience.

  • comradepaulson

    Ah, but the ACORN/Barry’s nostrils joke got such a big laugh from Blitzer at the Gridiron dinner… or was it at Ben and Sally’s? Either way, Halperin is a Drudgedouche with the IQ of a retarded lizard.

  • wheelie

    Wait, you’re telling me this is PHOTOSHOPPED?? It’s amazing what they can do with complex image manipulation these days.

  • Come here a minute

    Raccoons are too smart to be distracted by balls of aluminum foil. Yes, they eat trash, but they do it VERY WELL.

  • Scandinavian Fetus

    Hello,
    I am writing this from my special education class. My teacher gave me permission.

    Why the fuck do people Twitter?

  • jagorev
  • frumious_bandersnatch

    Excellent rant. Stuff like this always kind of makes my day, though, I must admit: it reminds me that the carefully cultivated idiocy I practice only *looks* like any idiot could do it. It’s like watching Republicans try to be funny–the utter loathesomeness is topped only by the sheer awesomeness.

  • assistant/atlas

    If there was any justice in the world, every reporter in America would be forced to memorize this.

    Or I would get to kick every reporter in the balls. Either way, justice would be served.

  • Gurkman

    Ken Layne 4 Sulzburger scion!

  • Double Scorpion

    Dear Time,

    People stopped reading you not because you didn’t have the snark, but because you sucked at gathering news. Don’t quit your day industry.

    Double Scorpion

  • StephanieInCA

    How terribly rude of the europeans to not quietly point out to Our Barry that he has Truck Nutz on his face. Also, I’m sad to see time stooping to this level. Am only reading Journalistic Paragon CNN from now on.

  • sati demise

    Was there a big brain drain in teh corporate news- like there was in government- during the dark days of Bush?

    probably.who could cover that day after day for 8 years without going truck nutz?

  • wickedlittledoll

    Anonymous, pathetic bloggers deserve to die!

    http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/

  • 2druk2phluq

    ZOMG, I’ve been had! I thought I was twattering this whole time. This puts things in a whole new perspective for me.

    Ken, did you forget to orgasm last night? I’m just saying, because you sound kind of cranky and grumpy today. We’ve all always known that not only are a great number of journalists complete and utter hacks, but also that in that class there is a subclass of hack known for shitting live weasels out of their asses and calling it print journalism. Allowing them to get under your skin only provides some tiny validation that they may have some relevance in our society.

    I appreciate your frustration, though. Here’s one bothering me, and it’s a real doozy. “Obama is the Muslin anti-Christ who will take away your guns, has already taken away your ability to make money, and who will turn the US into a brutal dictatorship.” We don’t know which wingnut said it first, but they all say it now, all over television. What does Fox News have to do to get censured for their actions? Place a gun in the people’s hands and actually pull the trigger for them? That’s the only thing they haven’t already done.

    “Fuck them. Fuck them all in their stupid asses.”
    – Kevin Smith

  • Rosalindavenue

    Somebody needs to photoshop a big dick stuck in Halperin’s ass. May not take a photoshop….

  • Red Zeppelin

    What–Time Magazine is still publishing? There is still a market for two-week-old news packaged from a relentlessly middlebrow, right of center perspective? I am almost nostalgic.

  • OReillysVibrator

    But my Wonkette comments and peoples’ “WIN” replies can go on my resume to the Onion, right?

  • NoWireHangers

    Ken blew a gasket. I always wondered what it would take.

    Yeah, but of course you’re right. What it boils down to is that legitimate news agencies are supposed to keep it somewhat high brow so we can reach new lows. While we all know the future of America lies in some dystopian world between Idiocracy and Soylent Green, I would like to postpone the inevitable. The news media seems to be on a steady march from Information –> Entertainment. I think we’re currently somewhere in Infotainment. I remember when the Tribune launched “Red Eye” in Chicago which was basically the Chicago Tribune, but for illiterate morons. Make the news “fun” so our increasingly stupid/mouthbreather public gives a shit is nothing new. That said, when the New York Times starts writing about Truck Nutz, Our Wonkette will officially be dead.

  • El Pinche

    wha? I don’t get it.

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=282318]Bronkers[/re]: It looks like Barry’s sniffing a pair of balls is what it looks like.

  • OReillysVibrator

    Can I say one name who make a good news show? Because I think there’s only one on the Big 3 – Fareed Hussein Zakaria.

  • chascates

    THIS IS CODE TO TEH LIBRELS!!! NOT SURE WHAT THO!

  • Red Zeppelin

    God, I love a good rant.

  • coffeeyesplease

    I LOVE YOU WONKETTE!!

  • proudgrampa

    Ya know, this REALLY needs some blingee! Please?

  • qwerty42

    Mark Halperin was so much funnier when he was begging people to buy his book.

  • Red Zeppelin

    Off-topic: Shout out to my bros wearin tha Carolina blue tonight.

  • smartypants

    [re=282348]wickedlittledoll[/re]: Apparently you, an embarrassed Asian American–and now myself–are the only people reading it, judging from lack of comments. Nothing to see there.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    But where’s the teleprompter?

  • comradepaulson

    [re=282355]NoWireHangers[/re]: The worst thing about this whole “dying newspaper” phenom is that newspapers aren’t the shittiest of the stinky shit that’s out there. The International section of the NYT will soon be cut down to one story about Canada, but Halperin’s “The Page” will live on and on.

  • comradepaulson

    [re=282368]Red Zeppelin[/re]: I see your shout out and raise you an angry Sparty with one finger in the air.

    Go Green!

  • johnnypantalones

    Slightly OT but this seems as good a place as any: Wolf Blitzer resemble’s an elderly Ewok’s penis. New meme. There ya go, have fun with it kids!

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    Yes Ken, it was good for me too. Gotta a ciggy?

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Ken Layne simply does not care for this newsmagazine snark.

  • Jukesgrrl

    But what does Hitchens think? When I worry about journalistic appropriateness, I always say to myself, WWHD?

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=282323]Atheist Nun[/re]: Yeah! Can we WARBLOG up one of those or something? Nobel Prizes have online voting now, right?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    But what does our dear editor think about meter maids?

  • The Helvetica Scenario

    TrunkNutz? Because a trunk is an elephant’s nose, and B Hussein has big ears- oh, forget it.

  • CollegeStudent

    I think Halperin was reporting the news, first of all, it is a little known fact that acorns in the nostrils are a secret Indonesian sympbol of communism. Secondly, the last time I bought drugs from someone associated with ACORN, I too, got a stuffed up nose (That friendly young man also helped me register to vote)

  • CivicHoliday

    ken, is it that time of the month again?

    (in all seriousness, i agree with everything you said)

  • jagorev

    [re=282382]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I hope you mean Peter Hitchens, the ultra-conservative brother of Christopher, who wrote this gem after observing celebrations on Election Night 2008. Go read the whole thing, but this is his culminating sentence:

    And now the US, like Britain before it, has begun the long slow descent into the Third World. How sad. Where now is our last best hope on Earth?

    The world would be a much better place if Hitchens Sr. had had his tubes tied.

  • Internally valid

    [re=282355]NoWireHangers[/re]: I always feel dirty reading the Red Eye, but I am a mouth-breather before I’ve had my second pot of coffee, so that is about all I can handle. Plus, that dog, “whizzer,” with a Cubs hat that tells me about sports is a real hoot. Haha, Whizzer, cause dogs pee on things.

  • bitchincamaro

    See your doctor if your hard-on persists for four hours or more, Ken.

    Not that you need it, but you got my vote, too.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=282412]jagorev[/re]: There is some justice in this. Peter Hitchens writes for the Daily Mail, whose main draw is their “Femail Today” section plastered across its right side online. You have to dig pretty far down to find anything as serious as a Hitchens in this pile of tits.

  • Packherd

    Cool story, bro!

  • chauncey

    I hope this story gets Ken on “What It Takes: Tuesday Edition: HALPERIN’S TAKE: The five most important people in American politics right now — who aren’t running for president”

  • The Helvetica Scenario

    [re=282450]hobospacejunkie[/re]: So he’s like a shitty Kilgore Trout.

  • Vulpes82

    Stop it, Mr. Layne! You’re making me all hot and tingly over here.

  • Atheist Nun

    [re=282385]assistant/atlas[/re]: Yeah, let’s focus on WARBLOGGING the Nobel Prize Committee… When even Maureen Dowd can get a Pulitzer, well… (you can probably arrange to win one of those with a well-placed craigslist ad to someone on the committee, by offering a handjob in trade.)

    I guess we should stick to The Nobel Prize in Literature… They only give “Peace” out to the real goody-goodies.

    http://nobelprize.org/nomination/literature/nominators.html

    Qualified Nominators – The Nobel Prize in Literature
    The right to submit proposals for the Nobel Prize in Literature shall, by statute, be enjoyed by:

    1. Members of the Swedish Academy and of other academies, institutions and societies which are similar to it in construction and purpose;
    2. Professors of literature and of linguistics at universities and university colleges;
    3. Previous Nobel Prize Laureates in Literature;
    4. Presidents of those societies of authors that are representative of the literary production in their respective countries.

    Does Wonkette have any of those?

    If The Nobel Prize Committee turns the application down, we can start organizing people to send them case upon case of TruckNutz!™ and get some HaX0rSz to replace the graphics on their website with blingees.

  • AxmxZ

    Give Ken the Schnobel Prize!

  • eclecticbrotha

    How many “you peoples” does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Pop.

    I never knew Walnuts moonlighted at Wonkette.

  • Tra

    Hey, what’s with the open letter to Dana Milbank?

  • The Unfairman

    This is why Ken is my fav’rit. Also Sara is my fav’rit. Jim too. But mostly Ken and Sarah and Jim.

  • montresor

    “…some wise-acres are making fun of the news, perhaps commenting in a humorous or satirical manner about topical events. (This may have even occurred before those wacky fake newscasts on Saturday Night Live, but of course there’s no way to know for sure.)”

    There was “That Was the Week That Was,” a BBC-TV half-hour from 1962 and 1963. Wiki: “Off-screen script-writers included John Albery, John Betjeman, John Bird, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Peter Cook, Roald Dahl, Richard Ingrams, Gerald Kaufman, Frank Muir, Denis Norden, Bill Oddie, Dennis Potter, Eric Sykes, Kenneth Tynan, Keith Waterhouse and others.”

    American version: “An American version of TW3 was on NBC, initially as a pilot episode on 10 November 1963, then as a series from 10 January 1964, to May 1965. The pilot featured Henry Fonda and Henry Morgan, guests Mike Nichols and Elaine May, and supporting performers including Gene Hackman. The recurring cast included David Frost, Henry Morgan, Buck Henry and Alan Alda, with Nancy Ames singing the opening song; regular contributors included Gloria Steinem, Tom Lehrer and Calvin Trillin. The announcer was Jerry Damon. Woody Allen was also a guest, performing stand-up comedy; the guest star on the final broadcast was Steve Allen. A running gag on this version of the show was a mock feud with Jack Paar, whose own program followed TW3 on the NBC Friday schedule; Paar would repeatedly refer to TW3 as ‘Henry Morgan’s Amateur Hour.’ After the series’ cancellation, Lehrer recorded a collection of his songs used on the show, ‘That Was The Year That Was,’ released by Reprise Records in September 1965.”

  • Zadig

    It’s like, Jeebus. If Our Important Journalists wanted fucking blogs, nobody’s going to stop them. If Time says nay, then Mark can blog under his pseudonym, Hark Malberpin. But no. These guys don’t dick around when they talk about meaningless bullshit. The end of Jurnalizm was in sight the day Rick Sanchez replaced the ticker with a twitter feed, making it the first “For Realz” news program to have a FUCKING COMMENT THREAD.

    People have bitched about Britney Spears and other celebrity bullshit being headline news for a while now, but it’s always been with an attitude of “that’s not real news.” The real problem was always that we already fucking have People and Star and just heaps of celebrity rags. And newspapers/news magazines/cable news just can’t let a newer form of media come along without trying to emulate the shit out of it.

  • FlipOffResearch

    I don’t know. I kind of like the light banter in between the local news and weather. Makes them seem human. Of course, no one would consider the local news as a serious commentator on world events. A distinction Time seems to be vying for.

  • JadedDIssonance

    [re=282436]Internally valid[/re]: I only read it when someone left a copy on my el seat and I’m not going to be sitting down long enough to pull out a real book. The Red Eye is pretty sad. Remember their issue on Racism? All these Conservative College Kids kept carrying it around.

    [re=282506]Tra[/re]: Oh That Dana, all ahead of his curves ‘n shit.

  • SteveCharb

    This might be a good time to point out that Mark Halperin is like the number one most uncreative person in the whole world. He called his page “The Page.” You think he stood up all night thinking up that one?

    P.S. one time he was speaking here in the GREAT STATE OF MAINE, and at the beginning, he asked the crowd to forgive and understand that he had a cold and thus “sounded like Elmer Fudd.” What vivid imagery our President weaves to describe the ornery common cold. Gotta love him.

  • Keram2

    WAAAAARBLOOOOOOOOGGG!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    You can’t blame the morons from being desperate. HAHA IT IS TIME FOR SHORTS’ WING-NUT COMMENT of Monday, April 6, 2009.

    We should blame the elderly and poor for the media. After all, they watch all day— being all elderly and poor-like, with a tee vee bought on credit, and they’re all like BLAME MEDICAID and STUFF. So Time Magazine is Messrs “we are no longer a real source of news” so they want to appease the crowds and be funny about things that they cannot understand, like reality. BUT WHO CAN BLAME THEM. As they burn into bankruptcy, we can only hope for this same theme of horseshit. Whatever helps the economy.

  • S.Luggo

    Not amused.
    — Bill Keller

  • gurukalehuru

    Oh, lighten up. They are about as bad at being funny as Ken Layne is at trying to be serious. Well, O.K., no, they’re much worse than that, but they’re dying anyway, so just leave them alone…or not…actually, i don’t really care one way or another, i just wanted to get a comment in.
    feel free to disregard

  • obfuscator

    Ken, will you move to Iowa with me?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=282533]S.Luggo[/re]: “Not amused.” – George McCarthur (probably after dopamine), 1944.

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=282473]Atheist Nun[/re]: Okay then. Professors it is. After all, I think nearly every Wonketteer is a cunning linguist and can manage to persuade a lit prof or two. (hint: with the buttsecks)

    Although I’d think we’ve got to have a Swede or two up in here.

    Fess up now kids, who’s got an Uncle Gunther that’s totally insies with the committee(s)?

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=282313]Yaybuls[/re]: Where’s the snark? Dude, don’t get all Denby on us now.

    [re=282473]Atheist Nun[/re]: Tho also, I like the TruckNutz idea too, also, obviously, also. We need some TruckNutz ads up in here, Ken. Enough with the SarahPAC. Truly, I hope the TruckNutz people realize what they have in Wonkette–the most enthusiastic audience this side of a West Virginia NASCAR rally. Fer reals.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=282522]Keram2[/re]:
    Werewolves of London

    An Acorn organizer,
    Lib agenda in his hand,
    The streets of Chicago like Soho,

    Lookin’ for Rahm Emmanuel
    While Pumas eat,
    Their big dish of sorrow

    Aroooo, Werewolf of London

    You better stay away from him, bitch,
    He’ll rip your lungs out, Mitch .
    Huh, I’d like to meet his tailor
    He was doin’ The Werewolf of London

    Arooooo

    i saw Lon Chamey Jr., doing the werewolves of London.
    I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walkin with Michelle,
    Doin the werewolves of London,
    I saw Tim Geitner drinkin a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
    And his hair was perfect.

    ahhhooooo, Werewolves of London

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I’m sorry Ken, but I stopped reading after your first 144 characters.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=282545]S.Luggo[/re]: 5 Whore Diamonds for that. While whore diamonds may be expired in this market, you deserve 1,000 FUTURE AMEROS because THAT WILL BE OUR CURRENCY NEXT ‘MORROW. Either way, well done in the impersonation AND creativity departments.

    Now us beasts of doom can sleep.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=282548]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You’re 4 characters ahead of me.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=282540]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    Dopamine (Discovered 1958)
    Romulan Ale (2322)
    Flintstones Chewable Morphine (1999)

    History is history,

  • CuntryFirst

    I read it all, which is saying a lot since I only come to Wonkette because the stories are usually only one paragraph long. But this, this was just fucking brilliant.

  • davesnothere

    Sheeit. Right on.

  • TGY

    In this post-Hunter S. Thompson world, what I desperately want is a martini. Alas, I only have a mammoth-sized bottle of orange Grey Goose, purchased by mistake. ORANGE! By a quirk of fate, it’s four-fifths empty. Don’t ask.

  • WIld Turkey

    “What the fuck, really? Will TIME just start making up cover stories?”

    Of course not. No respectable news organization would put something like this on its cover. What? Oh…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axis_of_weasels

  • Doglessliberal

    Amen, bro. Why is the bar news media are reaching for the lowest common denominator? Why are we letting the measure be “a story that can briefly hold the attention of overcaffeinated 15 year old boys who cannot pay attention to anything longer than 30 seconds” instead of say, an accurate and objective reporting of the news? When did we start finding the biggest moron and using his opinion as the one we strive to satisfy?

    Fuck.

  • tiger

    Fabulous. I think i just came…thanks Ken!

  • tiger

    Funny this is, i was all, “oh, is Time magazine still around?”.

  • momus

    He touched Michelle and Michelle touched the QUEEN, OH NO!

  • Mustang

    Mr. Layne has a very good point. I have a theory that the generation who raised this generation of racoons threw out a whole bunch of babies with the bathwaters. It is a generation sick of constraints and useless rules and controlling religions who cried, “Bullshit! I’m not subjecting MY kids to this!” But in their well meaning editing of society’s constraints, they ignored a bunch of rules that make things nicer, and they turned out a bunch of half-wit boors. It goes beyond the callowness of youth. I see lots of evidence of a sort of inability to know what is appropriate.

    What? This is rant blog day.

  • Norbert

    sounds like teh WOnkette is afraid of a little competition, heh heh.

    just wait for the cover of, I don’t know, the Economist: “BUTTSECS 4 ALL!” — then what?!?

  • Cranky Old Batt

    why did this rant make kinda warm and tingly?

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