Wonkette
Over the weekend, North Korea pwned the capitalists by launching its dumb rocket over Japan and around the sea. After about 2,000 miles it crashed in the water, the end. American officials determined that it was one of Kim Jong Il’s famous Taepodong-2 missiles, which are not quite at “Full ICBM” quality, but still pretty baller. Eventually one of these things will be able to bomb Sarah Palin’s house in Alaska. AND YET the North Koreans are still pretending that this rocket was only launched to drop off its satellite payload in space, and they’re insisting that it was successful, despite the fact that it FELL IN THE WATER.
Why we thought we could hear something from space this morning!
Washington and Seoul said the North Korean rocket launched on Sunday failed to thrust a satellite into orbit. But on Monday, seeking to garner political gain from the test, the North Korean media praised Kim Jong-il’s leadership, insisting that a communications satellite was circling the Earth, broadcasting patriotic songs.
[...]
The people in the tightly isolated country have little access to news from the outside world, where the satellite launch was considered a failure.
When North Korea first flight-tested the Taepodong-2, in July 2006, it blew apart 40 seconds after take-off…
This time, the official KCNA news agency asserted, “storms of hurrays shook the room” as the satellite entered orbit.
Hurray! North Korea, where the news reports are still commensurate to man’s capacity for wonder. Wait until they hear about Barack Obama — or Africa in general!
North Korea Seek Political Gain from Rocket Launch [NYT]
That picture’s makin’ me il.
THAT is the worst picture, the most disturbing image, yet on Wonkette…
NoWireHangers: plowman: I knew you’d love it!
…the North Korean rocket launched on Sunday failed to thrust a satellite into orbit.
Yeah, this is what happens after a vasectomy.
Jim Newell: And you even blessed it with alt text. What is this, Newellian Christmas?
BillyClubb: I almost spit coffee on my monitor. Almost.
Hopefully, Barney Frank will never see that photo.
Oh, fine. All this talk of the NK ‘Type O Dong’ dropping it’s ‘payload’ and THEN THAT PIC.
You think they’d at least attempt to co-opt reality, like insist that the damn thing was designed to express the glory of North Korea to whales, and the whales are right this moment grooving on the patriotic songs. Then demand money.
Looks like the Type O’ Dong 2 is a real softy.
…and then Glorious Leader made sweet love to Morgan Fairchild….yeah, that’s the ticket…
I’m Il not sick.
But my watch sick.
And my drop sick.
i can see north korea suck from my house.
NoWireHangers: ManchuCandidate: MOAR impotence jokes, plz.
For shame! That is NOT Rich Lowry. Clearly, it’s the bastard love child of Mark Penn and Yoda.
Too early in the week for a blingee contest??
I always wondered what became of the little psychic lady in ‘Poltergeist’.
What a shame we didn’t try to knock it down with Bush’s “missile shield”. We could have matched them fail for fail.
Unless our state-run media is lying to us about this. I would check the North Korean English language news site for the facts, but it appears to be blocked by the U.S. firewall.
Seems to me they are just practicing the policy the Bush Admin executed so well for 8 years, and Dickhead Cheney still is using: If you say it enough times, it is true.
But, please, no pics of naked Dick Cheney.
Think of the number of people that were killed in the effort to get this picture out of Pyongyang!
is that some sort of plastic thong he’s wearing? why can’t i stop looking? why does it make it better that he is sucking his teeth and eyeing me?
it hurts all over.
TGY: ManchuCandidate: Actually the Tape O’ Dong rocket is named after the Glorious Leader’s favorite fetish, which involves a roll of scotch tape and … um, y’know? Nevermind.
They also claim that they only lost their soccer match to South Korea due to POYSIN!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7985154.stm
WTF PRK? Can’t take a ross rike a man?
Has someone’s Manhunt account been hacked?
That picture is making it very hard for your fuckinredneck to ‘bate to wonkette today.
Oh well, I’ll keep trying!
All I can think is “when is he going to get that piece of ‘broccory’ out of his teeth so we can finish our game of Mario Brothers”.
I need help.
…“Taepodong-2 missile”? Sounds like something you could find at your local sex shop.
how 1984 of them to brainwash their own peeps. is that a hidden microphone underneath that napkin he’s wearing? it’s too early in the morning to see his kibbles and bits.
Are “storms of hurrays” followed by “showers of huzzahs”?
DPRK’s satellite is in orbit, and Iraq’s WMDs have been found.
It doesn’t matter - it’s just the ocean.
He is the Frito Pendejo of North Korea…
I am glad the idea of broadcasting patriotic music from a satellite did not occur to anyone in the Bush administration or we’d all be listening to C&W ballads about kickin’ ol’ Osama’s ass 7×24.
At least we have FOOOD, Long Jong Ilver.
In the original North Korean reports, Dear Leader piloted the rocket into space personally, hand delivering it’s peaceful communications satellite into orbit himself and then was carried back down to Earth on the backs of a pair of long-winged cranes that chirped patriotic music all the way back to Earth. He thus became the first human being to explore the mysteries of space travel.
Guppy06: Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
When I first saw that pic, I thought that he had an ashtray with some stubbed out butts in it and a liquor bottle with a large white label on it like Laphroaig scotch or something.
Oh, that is what it is? Whoa!
Kim Jong Il is aware of all ICBM traditions.
DagNabbit:
LOL, I wonder how many people got that
Hillary needs to send Dear Leader a re-launch button. Or, given the regrettable state of paper napkin manufacture in the DPRK, a case of Bounty extra-large so he can have more complete Taepodong coverage during photo ops.
Thanks Newell. Shit. Also.
We should totally announce that we shot down their invisibul satellite.
widestanceromancer: i peed a little. hahahaha!!
Here’s the Daily Show on the last missile launch that Kim & Co. attempted:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=118871&title=headlines-missile-command
“Invisible DPRK satellite triggers Italian earthquake, NATO mobilizing.”
Rush: Never too early for Blingee, contest or no:
[URL=http://blingee.com/blingee/view/87814845-Kim-Naked][IMG]http://image.blingee.com/images16/content/output/000/000/000/53b/404625783_273268.gif[/IMG][/URL]
[URL=http://blingee.com]Build your own Blingee[/URL]
My eyeballs were just kidnapped to make a movie in my mind of Emperor Pantsless there.
The proletarian masses of Wonkette salute the publication of a photograph of Kim Jung Il in his new tuxedo, which he successfully designed and knitted himself from the silk of worms he had grown in gardens he successfully had planted and cultivated. In the photo he is dancing at a People’s ball with the 12 lovely women he has living with him in his humble palace, which Kim Jung Il successfully carved from a single boulder using only a nail file and a sharp stick. Taking the leftovers from the carving of the palace and People’s duct tape, he successfully designed and manufactured the digital camera that took his photograph before it was safely stored on board the satellite that successfully circles the Earth, which Kim Jung Il successfully designed and created in seven days using only his party-sanctioned omnipotence.
North Korea completely baffles me. I wonder if, when the regime is one day toppled, hundreds of thousands of North Koreans with flood the globe, screaming “Why the fuck didn’t you DO anything to help us, you assholes?”. Or if they’ll just stay put.
Real Talk: Not enough!
Guppy06: The absolute best possible outcome.
When these fuckers were threatening war with Japan, I kept thinking that this would be the first time in history that Koreans would be glad to see Japan just conquering the shit out of the peninsula.
Jim, the most terrifying thing about that picture is the possibility that you did the photoshopping yourself, and thus stared at the damn thing for upwards of five minutes or so.
What a marvelous pic. Thanks!
First I’m all like..scroll……scroll…SPEW!!!
Note to self: no more Wonkette at lunch.
I alway wanted one of those pot-bellied thingies for a pet, but thought they were Vietnamese.
Also.
Rush- it is never too early for Blingee… http://blingee.com/blingee/view/87814845-Kim-Naked
Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich thinks the U.S. should take out the North Korean missiles with our mighty space lasers. Yes, he is from the deep-thinking side of the Republican Party.
Here is a North Korean patriotic song:
Kim Jong Il’s got a type 0 dong.
DagNabbit: I’m afraid it was over my head. Or under the radar. Or something.
speechless
picadillythirds: Whoa! Lisa Frank meet Fisa Lrank!
Come here a minute: Great Moments in Sports! Which World Series was it during which a the catcher missed the tag on a sliding runner who missed the plate, which was all all right because the ump missed the whole play watching something else? That’s the way the game is played by the pros!
“The people in the tightly isolated country have little access to news from the outside world…”
Wait until they hear FOX Noise is looking for Barack Obama’s birth certificate and Bristol Palin’s sperm donor! That’ll keep ‘em busy down on the co-op.
“Storms of hurrays shook the room” as the satellite entered orbit.”
Yes, because now Kim Jong Il will not have them all executed for failing. Or he will allow them food. Hooray for eating!
NoWireHangers: Starbursts! Wooo!
North Korea is the clearly the country that would have resulted if the Lord of the Flies kids had been allowed their full fruition. Our missile did SO fly! Our soccer team was poisoned(and if they weren’t before the match, they certainly have been now)! We ARE the scariest country in the WORLD! We ARE! We ARE!
The World should say, “Missile? What missile? I didn’t see any missile.” (Only in Korean)
Zadig: Yeah, but you’d be wrong. Just like George W Bush was wrong to think that because Iraqis hated Saddam they’d support foreign occupation. No, they just let the Yankee infidels capture Saddam and then they unleashed all hell.
Well, according to Sean Hannity, if Newt was President, he would have personally swam the Pacific, taken out two divisions of North Korean regulars, and then swallowed the missle like a python (or, like the Republican he truly is).
That is what true leadership looks like people!
How is the alt-text on that photo NOT “I’m so ronery”?
doloras: The primary difference is that the Japan of today would depose His Roneriness, leave immediately, and apologize profusely for the inconvenience they caused the DPRK.
The satellite is going round on its routine orbit. It is sending to the earth the melodies of the immortal revolutionary paeans “Song of General Kim Il Sung” and “Song of General Kim Jong Il” and measured information at 470 MHz. By the use of the satellite the relay communications is now underway by UHF frequency band.
I urge you all to regularly read KCNA news. It will assure you that although Republicans are indeed sometimes at odds with reality, we could have it much, much worse here. Not that it makes Republican reality palatable or acceptable. Just sayin’.
hobospacejunkie: True. Dubya rigged an election, but he never rigged one to say 100% TURNOUT AND 100% VOTE FOR ME!!! Although perhaps we shouldn’t give him any ideas.
Zadig: I think the point I was making is that one of the main ideological props that keep the “Workers Party of Korea” is in power is hatred and fear of the Japanese. Any Japanese intervention in the DPRK would be like, I dunno, Osama bin Laden invading South Carolina to distribute the stimulus money.
Jim, I was looking for an excuse to cut back on the food and get into summer speedo shape….you just gave it to me.
That photo would cause even the most ardent rice queen to choke up some bile.
“which are not quite at “Full ICBM” quality but still pretty baller.” I see what you did there, is euphemism…
Forget it. I am done with women.
This is what I have been looking for all of my life.
Just like Matt Lauer, he has a “wide stance.”
Sarah Palin lives in Alaska? I thought she was defendin’ us from the Rooskies, how is she also gonna defend us from the Koreeans?
I always thought Kim Jong-il was George Bush’s role model.
Zhu Bajie
“In the photo he is dancing at a People’s ball with the 12 lovely women he has living with him in his humble palace”
Only 12? I thought he had a harem of 500 or so? He’s been known to have his secret service kidnap actresses he lusted after.
Zhu Bajie
AnnieGetYourFun: Probably run to the nearest part of China, in search food. Which is why the current PRC leaders don’t want to change the situation too much. It would get worse before it got better.
Zhu Bajie
doloras: Usually it’s only 99%.
Zhu Bajie
You know, they do have a short wave broadcast in English, 8:30 am, Beijing time. It’s incredibly boring, mostly Kim Il-sung’s speeches in English. Asia Times Online has probably the best news on the place.
Zhu Bajie