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BIGGER THAN JESUS

John McCain’s Twitter Thinks It’s Better Than Our Lord Jesus Christ

'I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity. '
The super-dumb full-of-shit jingoistic Magic 8-Ball known as “John McCain’s twatbot” crapped this out today: “America has been and remains the greatest force for good in history.” Eric Spiegelman wonders why John McCain is pissing on Christ’s grave. [Bus Your Own Tray]


1:58 PM on Fri April 3 2009
By Ken Layne
1907 Views

  1. CivicHoliday says at 2:07 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Jesus < America < Bratz Dolls

  2. Deepthroat says at 2:08 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    what about buttsecks?

  3. Gurkman says at 2:09 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    everyone knows jesus was a blond, white, anglo-saxon american. it’s in the bible.

  4. NewSpence says at 2:09 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    I’d have to agree with John McCain. Any nation that refuses to elect him ain’t half bad.

  5. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! says at 2:10 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    And no mention of ShamWow and the slap chopper? Jesus never punched a hooker, I’m sure. Walnuts, not so much.

  6. AllHat says at 2:10 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Can we talk about something important? Like, has anyone actually tried this new Quiznos ‘hot torpedo’ thing? Is it any good? Is it even possible to order one with a straight face?

  7. Czn939 says at 2:11 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    I think he’s paraphrasing Reagan, so technically
    he’s blaspheming twice.

  8. AngryBlakGuy says at 2:13 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    …I don’t know about that, those “Power Rangers” sure killed a lot of monster!

  9. AngryBlakGuy says at 2:15 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    …when did “America” become a cult?!?!?!?

  10. magic titty says at 2:15 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Yeah well Mary didn’t think it was so good when just fooling around turned into “WTF, are you serious?”

  11. One Yield Regular says at 2:15 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    This story makes me want to Twitter a cross in the dirt.

  12. Chain Tattoo says at 2:15 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Was the Zombie God Jesus really a force for good?
    Did he invent American football?
    Did he bring fast food to the world?
    Did he dig the Panama Canal?
    Did he know how to party like its 1999?

    Do the math.

  13. Czn939 says at 2:16 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    I won’t be upset with McCain’s religious shenanigans until he starts blaspheming against the One True God: Haruhi Suzumiya.

  14. Come here a minute says at 2:17 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Bigger than Jesus? Okay. Bigger then John Lennon? That one? No and no.

  15. Giant Robot says at 2:17 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Greater than beer cans with vented lids?

  16. Serolf Divad says at 2:18 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    True story: Years ago I was watching the crafting of the GOP platform. At one point a Republican delegate rose to amend one portion of the document. His objection to the current language went something like this (quoting from memory): “Mr. secretary, the paragraph x line y of the working document refers to America as ‘humanity’s last, best hope.’ However, as a Christian I believe that Jesus Chrsit is humanity’s last, best hope. So I move that that language be altered to reflect that fact.”
    At any rate, his objection was considered, debated, and ultimately rejected.

    Win!

  17. “Hey, you kids! Get off my Twitter!”

  18. CivicHoliday says at 2:20 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    One Yield Regular: win! (but you have to do it in Vietnamese)

  19. Monsieur Grumpe says at 2:23 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    He obviously had never met Mr. Rogers.

  20. SayItWithWookies says at 2:23 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Jesus dispensed free health care, was notoriously soft on crime, and must’ve been anti-Israel since — well — you know. Therefore Jesus was un-American.

  21. El Vista says at 2:24 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Twitter typo — or “twippo” as they call it at AARP.

    Farce for good?

    Horse for god?

    Pours four guards?

    Wh_wh_wh_wh_?

  22. Fox n Fiends says at 2:25 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Who Would Jesus Twitter?

  23. The Cold Sea says at 2:27 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    One Yield Regular: Serious Win

  24. Anarchitect says at 2:28 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Everyone except the registered Republican voters know that the GOP hates hippie peaceniks like Jesus Christ. Love your enemies and wear sandals, throw the moneylenders out and feed the masses, free healthcare… Jesus was obviously a socialist liberal.

    McCain just let his neo-con overlord speak through him for a moment.

  25. The Cold Sea says at 2:31 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Anarchitect: That was Jeebus in his Henry IV, Part II stage. Full on Jeesbus Henry V was a fire-breathing war demon. Just as W. Jeebus is all about shock and awe.

  26. DeathOfIrony says at 2:37 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    CivicHoliday: What about Real Dolls?

  27. Custersdeadhorse says at 2:48 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    AngryBlakGuy: Sadly, I think it was when we, and I include myself, elected Reagan. He was better than the peanut farmer whose wife made her own clothes and may still. But, as our current leader leads us out of this shithole, hopefully we will never return.

  28. Come here a minute says at 2:50 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    What is ericspiegelman’s Wonkette nickname? Admit it, you are one of us!

  29. Gorillionaire says at 2:51 pm, April 3rd, 2009
  30. CivicHoliday says at 3:24 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    DeathOfIrony: I was referring to things that lonely, unintelligent tweeners flock to. If we’re bumping up the age bracket, then the equation goes like so:

    Jesus < Real Dolls < America < Fleshlight < TRUCKNUTZ

  31. Yaybuls says at 3:25 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    When he says “America” I’m guessing he’s referring to Brazil, Chile, Bolivia, Coloumbia, etc.?

    Because that America is the greatest force for good TIMES in history.

  32. Guppy06 says at 3:35 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Czn939: There is but one Miyamoto, and Mario is his prophet.

  33. MarieDeGournay says at 3:40 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    And Jesus is like ‘meh.’ He lived through the most efficent, and well maintained Western Empire in history. We can’t even build public baths or main our infrastructure.

  34. totoro says at 3:44 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Sarah Palin wants to punch a hole in the United States the size of Alaska. I am afraid.

  35. Tommmcatt says at 3:48 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    MarieDeGournay:

    On the other hand, our leaders have fewer orgies that involve horses.

  36. As a geographical location occupying physical space, the United States of America always has been and always will be bigger than Jesus.

    Prove me wrong, Christ Child.

  37. Vartan84 says at 3:53 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    That’s what McCain gets for being so cliche, bully for Eric Spiegelman!

  38. pondscum says at 4:16 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    AllHat: Would you really eat a sandwich from a place that used a fur turd as their spokesperson?
    http://www.fanpop.com/spots/legendary-ads/articles/56/pics/2

  39. Formerly Fred says at 10:31 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Most of the Jesus’s I followed lately had fairly high batting averages. But now all the sports channels list something called slugging percentages, and I’m sure McCain’s slugging percentage is hirer than Jesus.

  40. Formerly Fred says at 10:34 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    Oops, spell check didn’t catch that one.

  41. lampadadog says at 11:41 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    The John/Eric dialogue is a brilliant summary of the essence of today’s GOP.

  42. Hagar77 says at 11:51 pm, April 3rd, 2009

    He’s a lock for the Nobel Prize in Physics because he just proved that it’s possible to be so fucking stupid that you warp the space-time continuum: America was Teh Awesomest thing in existence even before it existed, in History, also Time! Wrap your heads around that fly shit, librul Muslin bitches!

  43. Jukesgrrl says at 8:34 pm, April 5th, 2009

    Hagar77: I thought Levi Johnston was getting the Nobel Prize in Physics because he managed to have only one illegitimate baby.

  44. Repuke bag o' taint says at 1:21 am, August 5th, 2009

    Now according to Christian Righties…and they know, I mean they totally chill with Jesus every weekend: he’s white, has a funny accent, hates jews and has big muscles. Oh and he totally kicks the ass out of Satan…wait a minute, anyone seen “End of Days” aside from me? stupid question. Well in it Ahnie beats Satan’s fat, flabby falwell-esque ass back to hell…thinkin’ what I’m thinking? Oh yeah, Ahnie isn’t so popular with the right these days, my bad. I’m thinking the GOP is THIS close to naming Palin the empress of stupid and Bachmann as her empress in waiting…or maybe Bill Kristol will just dream about a threesome again. Either way…

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