Charles Krauthammer Despises ‘Fairness,’ Dagnabbit

  america's great newspaper columnists

Why is Gordon Brown trying to anal poison Trig?The best thing to come out of this Greatest Depression would be for the Washington Post to go out of business. It would truly be a “silver lining.” Because Dana Priest and the other few hot-ticket reporters could easily find new jobs at other out-of-business newspapers. And the major upside of the Post going out of business would be the total decimation of its editorial board and op-ed columnist stable. Fred Hiatt, Richard Cohen, Charles Krauthammer, George Will, David Broder. Imagine a media world in which these names no longer existed. They only exist now as a sort of institutionally-guarded trolling scheme, so why not BOMB the institution? VERY GOOD YES? Oh. Well, Charles Krauthammer wrote something stupid today.

Krauthammer takes the issue of bank seizure and car company aid very seriously. He thinks they’re major constitutional slights, and the Constitution is not to be swept aside. He is so serious about this stuff and its bite-sized ironies that his super serious attitude towards it all is “amused,” and for some reason we have to fucking read about it:

In fact, we are now so deep into government intervention that constitutional objections are summarily swept aside. The last Treasury secretary brought the nine largest banks into his office and informed them that henceforth he was their partner. His successor is seeking the power to seize any financial institution at his own discretion.

Despite these astonishments, I remain more amused than alarmed. First, the notion of presidential car warranties strikes me as simply too bizarre, too comical, to mark the beginning of Yankee Peronism.

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Yes, government-backed warranties on American-made cars are too “minor” — “minor” is the word he is looking for, “minor” — to mark the point when America became a third world country in South America.

Then we read about Obama’s sinister Secret Plan for Fairness in the richest country in the world. Now he could make his conservative argument in a different way, by calmly stating that he doesn’t think the national government of a country as large as the United States is capable of bringing about social change, and that if it’s going to happen, it will come about through the private sector and invisible hands and interest rates and shit. But instead it is a SECRET PLOT in which, believe it or not, Barack Obama isn’t concerned about the impossible financial crisis at the heart of the most massive global economic collapse in modern history. For that and the motorcars are merely Diversions! Witch Craft!

Second, there is every political incentive to make these interventions in the banks and autos temporary and circumscribed. For President Obama, autos and banks are sideshows. Enormous sideshows, to be sure, but had the financial meltdown and the looming auto bankruptcies not been handed to him, he would hardly have gone seeking to be the nation’s credit and car czar.

Obama has far different ambitions. His goal is to rewrite the American social compact, to recast the relationship between government and citizen. He wants government to narrow the nation’s income and anxiety gaps. Soak the rich for reasons of revenue and justice. Nationalize health care and federalize education to grant all citizens of all classes the freedom from anxiety about health care and college that the rich enjoy. And fund this vast new social safety net through the cash cow of a disguised carbon tax.

Obama is a leveler. He has come to narrow the divide between rich and poor. For him the ultimate social value is fairness. Imposing it upon the American social order is his mission.

[...]

If Obama has his way, the change that is coming is a new America: “fair,” leveled and social democratic. Obama didn’t get elected to warranty your muffler. He’s here to warranty your life.

Isn’t “fairness” a good pick for “ultimate social value?” It’s kind of like “justice,” to which we nominally dedicate an entire branch of government? Krauthammer isn’t making it clear whether his problem is simply with Obama wanting the government to bring about fairness, or whether he just REALLY FUCKING HATES the concept of “fairness,” some dumb gay thing no doubt. He is using the word “FAIR” as a pejorative.

(Also, all of his facts are wrong.)

Obama’s Ultimate Agenda [Washington Post]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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106 comments

  1. BillyClubb

    What’s not to like about “presidential car warranties”? Before the election I had a “Obama is My Homeboy” bumper sticker. Now I’ll just replace it with “Obama is My Car Warranty”.

    Also, love that photo of Krauthammer as a chicken with a beer can up ass. Freudians, please interpret this image.

  2. shortsshortsshorts

    I had no idea the carbon tax would pay for EVERY initiative Obama is proposing. Thanks for that information.

  3. Roger Williams hates your ways

    In a fair American society, everybody has their own pair of TRUCKNUTZ.

  4. freakishlystrong

    What the fuck did Newell google to get that picture, which is perfection. Why does Douchehammer have any credibilty on anthing also.

  5. Serolf Divad

    Obama has far different ambitions. His goal is to rewrite the American social compact, to recast the relationship between government and citizen. He wants government to narrow the nation’s income and anxiety gaps. Soak the rich for reasons of revenue and justice. Nationalize health care and federalize education to grant all citizens of all classes the freedom from anxiety about health care and college that the rich enjoy. And fund this vast new social safety net through the cash cow of a disguised carbon tax.

    Either that or Obama has simply realized that health care costs are bankrupting us and making our industry un-competitive, that American labor cannot compete against slave-labor in China, and if the standard of living for the average citizen is to be kept above 3rd world levels then some sort of wealth redistribution has to take place.

    Oh yeah… and you can’t fucking spend trillions upon trillions of dollars while cutting taxes for the top 1% and expect out country to last for very long, you fucking moron!

    Sheesh!

  6. qwerty42

    From Sullivan on Krauthammer’s article:
    “…
    My sense is not this, although I agree that Obama has a liberal’s core instinct that government can and should take more responsibility for the well-being of its citizens than I’d like. What Charles misses is that Obama is not an ideologue the way Charles is. This is, in other words, classic projection.
    Obama wants to use government to balance what he regards as the growing imbalance of the last three decades in which most Americans trod water or sank and, empowered by globalization, a small elite really triumphed.

    In so far as conservatives keep reaching for ideological purity to gain their balance in this unsettling time, they will lose against a skilled pragmatist like Obama. They seek clarity by defining an “ultimate agenda” because they are so lost in responding to the actual one.”

  7. Doglessliberal

    Fair IS a bad word to him, and many like him. It means rich, white guys don’t get to run this country as if it were their own plantation, complete with darkies pouring their drinks and actually doing the income-producing work. When you start to let those darkies get some larnin’, it can only go bad. They get ideas about being “equal” to the white man. Nothing good comes of this.

  8. Custersdeadhorse

    Charlie could get away with this shit were it only still 1960. Sorry Charlie, you and Helen Thomas should just shrivel up and die, quietly preferably, and soon Also.

  9. comradepaulson

    I’m buying a parrot just so I can see it shitting on this column and the entire Post Editorial Page, save Robinson and Dionne.

  10. Doglessliberal

    [re=280689]Roger Williams hates your ways[/re]: AND, if you work hard and save, you can get a pair in every color! THAT is America!

  11. CorkPopper

    Well sure, everybody can see that if the government allows poor people to stop worrying about health care and getting a decent education, then…then…they might finish school! And get jobs! And become taxpayers! And stop going to jail and being on welfare, both of which are funded by taxpayers!

    I’m really trying to see the conservative objection here, but I got nuthin’. Unless it’s just as simple as “I got mine, fuck you.”

  12. WadISay

    Preview of next week’s column: Krauthammer exposes Claudia Schiffer as someone who’s just trying to look beautiful.

  13. NoWireHangers

    On a side note, those beer butt roasted chickens are actually really good. And easy to make. Use a decent beer though. Not that Budweiser shit.

  14. One Yield Regular

    I treat Charles Krauthammer the way I treat all other conservative commentators who, for the last eight years, cheer-led Bush’s disasters. So I trust that they’ll understand if, for at least the next eight years, I skip listening to anything they might have to say.

  15. Come here a minute

    Is this that Fairness Doctrine that the conservatives are all in a tizzy about? What does this have to do with radio?

  16. V572625694

    What, Barry’s going to circumcise the auto industry? That’ll teach Rick Wagoner a lesson…oh, too late.

  17. smellyal8r

    [re=280696]Serolf Divad[/re]: And, uh, didn’t Reagan and Bush II rewrite the social compact between the government and the people? Reagan kicked every crazy in mental institutions out into the streets and Bush continued to crank down policies that drove a bigger wedge between rich and poor, have and have-not, churched and un-churched? I view Obama’s attempts at simply righting the balance a bit (the right wing federal courts will continue Bush II’s dangerous policies will into the 2020s).

    As to the Post, when I lived in DC, I started treating it like the Wall Street Journal. I read everything BUT the Ed and Op-Ed pages. They are awful, which is amazing in a paper that is generally that good (and often much better than the NY Times).

  18. CorkPopper

    [re=280709]NoWireHangers[/re]: I disagree. Any beer will do…except you have to drink half of it before shoving the chicken’s butt onto it, so if you really can’t do that, get whatever elitist beer that comes in a can and makes you happy.

  19. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    I remember Krauthammer protesting the suspension of habeas corpus and the NSA surveillance.

    No?

    Perhaps I remember that he detached his catheter and urinated directly into his own mouth on Fox News.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Fairness is bad because it means guaranteeing equality of outcomes, not equality of opportunity. So for instance, fairness would mean that if your aunt Mabel got her hand chopped off as a result of unsafe practices in the factory where she worked, she would be entitled to compensation automatically. This is socialism and punishing entrepreneurs who create jobs.

    Under the Republican plan, your aunt Mabel would have the opportunity to stand in front of the CEO’s office and beg his secretary for a moment to ask him for some money. And the CEO would have the opportunity to call security and have her ass thrown out onto the street. See the difference?

  21. rmontcal

    [re=280683]The Cold Sea[/re]: The longest .5 seconds of my life are those many half seconds a day when I mouse over a Wonkette picture and wait…

  22. NoWireHangers

    [re=280716]CorkPopper[/re]: Budweiser isn’t fit for a chicken’s ass, let alone for drinking by people.

  23. V572625694

    [re=280696]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=280715]smellyal8r[/re]: Krauthammer sounds like the elitist’s Glenn Beck here, parroting Republican talking points about “socialism.” It’s pretty clear Beck hasn’t any more idea of what socialism is than he does what logical positivism is. But Krauthammer ought to be better at this, you’d think — wasn’t he lefty himself once years ago?

  24. Suds McKenzie

    I always expect to wake up one day to learn Charles Krauthammer has invaded Poland.

  25. teebob2000

    Because of course the current chasm between our rich and poor is just tickety-boo the way it is!

  26. snideinplainsight

    Boo Charles Krauthammer! Boo! Boo!

    On a more personal note, our second child was born this morning, a son. Mrs. inplainsight and the baby are doing well. Me, I could use a little sleep.

  27. wheelie

    OMG, Obama’s policies “could sink the economy and poison his public support”. Does this outcome remind you of any President in recent history, Charlie?

    And [re=280706]lightninglouie[/re] is right. You really are Monk-looking in that photo.

  28. Come here a minute

    I’d like to, in a Bidenesque fashion, ask Krauthammer to stand up and take a bow for this fabulous column.

  29. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]: Many congrats! You only have about eight months of enforced celibacy to go unless you hire a nanny.

  30. PomPom

    Reminds me of another famous socialist, Teddy Roosevelt:
    “When I say I believe in a square deal I do not mean to give every
    man the best hand. If the cards come do not come to any man, or if
    they do come, and he has not got the power to play them, that is
    his affair. All I mean is that there shall be no
    crookedness in the dealing.”
    Do you kiss Mother Liberty with that mouth, Teddy??? Also!!

  31. PomPom

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]: Congrats! May we wonketteers name the baby? *fingers creossed, please say yes please say yes*

  32. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    “Nationalize health care and federalize education to grant all citizens of all classes the freedom from anxiety about health care and college that the rich enjoy.”

    Um…bummer? How terrible?

    Does this really sound bad to the mouth-breathers, who would all benefit from it?

  33. cheeto_jeebus

    forgive me if i’ve said this before. I wouldn’t piss on that man if his frakkin’ heart was on fire.
    There, now that’s out of my system.

  34. widestanceromancer

    ‘Fairness Has Consequences’ is the title of Krauthammer’s new book. Also, he looks hot naked.

  35. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    It’s not so much about fairness as it is that conservatives just hate the idea of the poor and uneducated/unemployable (aka teh bitterz) being satisfied with their lives or being able to have a decent standard of living. They look at Europe, where even the chronically unemployed have it fairly good and this really, really pisses them off.

    It’s kind of a neo-Calvinist way of looking at the world.

    http://yglesias.thinkprogress.org/archives/2009/03/charles_murrays_praise_of_human_misery.php

  36. WadISay

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]: Hide baby immediately! Obama will come and tax its wee arse off for teh Socialismz. (Seriously, that’s great, cheers!)

  37. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    You only have about eight months of enforced celibacy to go

    Right. Sexing up your baby before they’re eight months old is wrong. Doctor Spock sez so.

  38. freakishlystrong

    [re=280743]WadISay[/re]: That’s it, that’s the name: hideinplainsight! Wait, what?

  39. Monsieur Grumpe

    I love beer can chicken and loath Charles Krauthammer. Hey Chuck, aren’t wheel chair ramps a socialist concept?

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]:
    Congratulations! You’ll get your sleep in about 5 or 6 years unless you have more kids.

  40. gjdodger

    [re=280711]One Yield Regular[/re]: I treat Charles Krauthammer the way I treat all other conservative commentators who, for the last eight years, cheer-led Bush’s disasters.
    Well, after all, it was Dubya who said the Constitution was “just a goddamn piece of paper.” C’mon, Chuckles, be consistent.
    [re=280684]BillyClubb[/re]: love that photo of Krauthammer as a chicken with a beer can up ass. Freudians, please interpret this image.
    Both Krauthammer and the chicken are sitting on metal that’s worth more than they are.

  41. trondant

    [re=280740]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: Krauthammerdammerung is a cyborg. Pissing on his heart might short it out.

  42. jagorev

    Mmm… I’ve never had beer can chicken, but the idea is solid in theory. You’re likely to get a moist, flavorful interior while the outside gets nicely charred on the grill. Now, if only there was a way I could try it in my apartment… where I have only a broiler.

  43. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    [re=280758]jagorev[/re]: You can bake it in the oven after clearing out a rack or two and putting the last one on the lowest level. Not as good as on the grill but it’s pretty easy.

  44. Pragmatist

    “Krauthammer wrote something moronic” does not rise to the level of “Dog bites man.” It’s more like: “Dog Pees on Fireplug.”

  45. Terry

    [re=280709]NoWireHangers[/re]:

    What happens if you use a full and unopened can of beer? I’d like to try that, but in someone else’s kitchen.

  46. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=280709]NoWireHangers[/re]: Dr. Pepper is better than beer–it’s sweeter. Just something to try on a Friday night!

  47. snideinplainsight

    [re=280738]PomPom[/re]:

    Sorry, we tried that with a different website a while back. Cool Ranch Cheetos Plainsight has never really forgiven us (yet).


  48. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=280785]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Uhh did you read the “alt-text”?

  49. Trace

    [re=280777]Jim Newell[/re]: Presumably the result of a BUTTFUCK.

    I just like saying that now that you’ve said it and brought it to my attention.

    Today we are all buttfucks.

  50. qwerty42

    [re=280709]NoWireHangers[/re]: I think Cooks thought the bud was better (but they did recommend the 16oz size)

  51. frumious_bandersnatch

    [re=280724]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Only rarely have I been so enticed to hump someone’s leg while remaining entirely ignorant of their gender. Which may mean I’m back with the fence-straddlers. Or might mean that you’re a hermaphrodite or intersex individual, in which case ROCK ON WITH YOUR SEXXAY SELF!

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]: Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladmir? Even a girl? (congratulations to the entire inplainsight clan!)

  52. MarieDeGournay

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]: gratz, get some sleep, you’re going to need it.

    Also, wtf is wrong with these people? Is the idea that the commonweal should exist to protect people from the ravages of fortune so abhorent to them that they’d rather snort powdered glass than allow some poor, desperate fellow citizens the ‘opportunity’ to actually survive, or worse, thrive? I hate them with the density of a nuetron star.

  53. McDuff

    [re=280707]CorkPopper[/re]: “‘I got mine, fuck you.’” Pretty much sums up the philosophy of Charles’ favorite saint, Ayn Rand. I’m betting Charles goes to sleep every night with a copy of “Atlas Shrugged” under his pillow — too bad he doesn’t have the Truck Nutz to really go Galt and disappear into a black hole.

  54. j6n

    I love how at the bottom of the page, it says:

    Understand more about:

    Barack Obama
    James Madison
    Anxiety
    General Motors
    Joe Biden

  55. Fear of a Black Reagan

    I say we do like Krauthammer says. Fuck fairness. Let those griftin’ handout groups fend for themself. And I say we start with cripples…

    Gimp yer ass up them stairs yo’ own self, Chucky! Wonketteers recquisition your wheelchair for bobsled practice!

  56. Hooray For Anything

    It’s always easy to say crap like this from the pages of the Washing Post OpEd. but not so easy when you, say, have to declare all of this in Flint Michigan or Cleveland So my proposal is that any Conservative asshat who goes around writing stuff like this has to then do so at a UAW meeting or some inner city Church in Baltimore.

  57. El Vista

    My old textile company went out of business. What’s so special about some newspaper?

    You eventually get a new, lower-paying job and get on with your life. It’s the American whey.

  58. SayItWithWookies

    [re=280806]frumious_bandersnatch[/re]: Well thanks — though since most leg-humpers tend to be male, it’s probably not gonna work out on a quickie sorta level. Though if you’re one of those rare, tomboyish female leg-humpers — especially if you’re into heavy drinking — we might could work something out.

    [re=280807]Tommmcatt[/re]: Juan Peron’s brother, Emilio “Yanqui” Peron — tried out for the Brooklyn Dodgers, spent a couple of years in the minor leagues, then went to Cuba, where he instigated a revolution. It’s said that if he coulda thrown a decent slider, he never would’ve ended up where he did — buried up to his neck in an anthill by General Batista back in ’54.

  59. NoWireHangers

    [re=280796]qwerty42[/re]: Cooks Illustrated? Not that I get the newsletters or anything…erm

  60. Zadig

    Every week I get more and more convinced that ‘Charles Krauthammer’ is just Dick Cheney’s pen name. He got the idea from some of Bush’s doodlings, wherein he tried to formulate porn names for himself.

    I mean, honestly. I don’t think there are any journalists left in America capable of the lamprey-esque suction on Bush’s miniscule member that Charlie Cockknocker maintains de riguer.

  61. SomeNYGuy

    Dr. Krauthammer is still offering free diving lessons to all Americans. Be sure to sign up today!

  62. DoctorCulturae

    [re=280875]PsycGirl[/re]: In Krautenheimer’s world he should pick himself up by his chicken-lickin’ bootstraps. And btw, he needs to get his Merriam-Webster out to check that ‘fair’ definition.

  63. CorkPopper

    [re=280764]jagorev[/re]: Tip: put the whole thing on an aluminum pie plate to catch the chicken fat so your smoke detector doesn’t go off. MMMMMM, schmaltz.

  64. Hedley Lamar

    Somebody sneak up on K-Hammer and affix Trucknutz to back of his wheelchair. It’ll be fun watching him trying to look back.

  65. MarSF

    [re=280702]comradepaulson[/re]: I have a parrot and I won’t let her shit on Krauthhammer because it might poison her anus.

  66. 1ofUS

    What’s a Krauthammer?

    a) A hammer used for to hammer krauts with.
    b) Somebody who hangs out in the kraut.
    c) A sauerkraut garnished ham floating in a French sea.
    d) Ten dozen black and tans.
    e) A man whose face is permanently twisted into the grimace of a man trying not to show that he is choking on a pretzel.

  67. Keram2

    You know what’s fair? I can walk and this war-mongering Neo-Con — *ahem* “Democratic Globalist” — can’t. Life is sweet.

  68. Red Zeppelin

    [re=280732]snideinplainsight[/re]: [re=280736]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: Yeah, but make sure the nanny’s hawt, otherwise you won’t be able to bang her!

    No, srsly, congrats.

  69. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=280789]Jim Newell[/re]: Yes, I did & amazingly still typed that. Hmmm…don’t know if that’s a result of too much drinking or not enough!

  70. qwerty42

    [re=280863]NoWireHangers[/re]: I think it may have been a sidebar in one of their special editions or something. not that I can actually, you know, cook or anything.

  71. zhubajie

    [re=280739]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Allow the conservafundies to have their own schools teaching creation science, etc. Then they will stay powerless forever.

    Zhu Bajie

  72. zhubajie

    [re=280834]Hooray For Anything[/re]: You can be sure Craptower never takes a chance on talking with someone who might disagree to the point of hitting him. He only talks with his fellow conservacrooks.

    Zhu Bajie

  73. Keram2

    [re=281100]zhubajie[/re]: Hey, he had that super-feud with Francis Fukuyama that was entertaining for a bit. Although critiquing a guy who declared that history was at an end is kinda like tripping a blind kid… or challenging someone in a wheelchair to a foot race. ZING!

    Note: I do feel bad disparaging the handicapped normally, but not Krauthammer. Something about advocating for war, War, WAR! while being physically prevented from serving really irks me. Especially since his theories most likely influenced a lot of decision makers to push for a war of choice that has destroyed countless lives. Krauthammer is human garbage.

  74. stopmebeforeitypeagain

    No more socialist wheelchair ramps for you, friend.

    When you can finally roll on your own two wheels, we’ve got a gummint-issue polevault with your name on it. Fly high in the friendly sky, fuckhead, and just go sailing through those revolving doors.

    Also.

  75. imissopus

    There is a famous story I read about that foul shitspeck Charlie K attending Yom Kippur services at his synagogue just a couple of weeks after 9/11. There was a guest rabbi (from Israel, I think) giving the sermon. He started talking about Arab rage and the need to engage the Muslim world in dialog and end the cycle of violence etc etc. Charlie K started yelling at the guy from his chair, right in the middle of the fucking sermon! In synagogue on the holiest day of the year! When I was a kid my parents got mad if my brother and I so much as whispered to each other during Yom Kippur services.

    Anyway, Charlie K was telling the rabbi he was full of it, we should not waste time talking to the savages but should go to war and kill them all or somesuch. How the congregants avoided pulling an alternate-ending-of-It’s-A-Wonderful-Life on that guy, I’ll never know.

  76. donner_froh

    Charles K, meet a real Republican–one of the last, Theodore Roosevelt:

    “The man who wrongly holds that every human right is secondary to his profit must now give way to the advocate of human welfare, who rightly maintains that every man holds his property subject to the general right of the community to regulate its use to whatever degree the public welfare may require it.”

    My new favorite quote.

  77. kapish

    What a sour kraut!

    My hard drive failed. Now I have a new one.
    Glad to be back – I think.

  78. josereyes.theroof

    Even though I know his disability does not extend the impairment of speech, I still hear Krauthammer’s columns in a Vocoder-enhanced voice. Makes them palatable.

  79. bakeneko

    [re=280706]lightninglouie[/re]: Good thing I have both a keyboard and screen protector, or I’d be suing you for the beer I spit all over my laptop at the Monk reference. FTW!

  80. mrpuma2u

    What a dingleberry Krauthammer is. He should spout this shit to some disabled Iraq war vets, and then (hopefully) they would get so pissed they would beat him to death with their prosthetic limbs.

Comments are closed.